Feeling Life
Patterns of Emotions
Krystyna C. Laycraft
Copyright © 2014 by Laycraft, Krystyna C., Ph.D.
FEELING LIFE: Patterns of Emotions
ISBN# 978-0-9937359-1-2
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be recorded, re-produced, or stored in any form without the express written consent of the author.
Published by: AwareNow Publishing (www.awarenow.ca). Victoria, BC, Canada.
First printing – June 2014
Editor: Rick Mickelson
Book Designer: Louise Beinhauer
Printer: First Choice Books, Victoria, BC
Cover: Mixed media artwork “Consciousness” by Krystyna C. Laycraft
Also by Krystyna C. Laycraft
Creativity as an Order through Emotions: A Study of creative Adolescents and Young Adults
as they have developed more trust of the processes going on within themselves, and have dared to feel their own feelings, live by values which they discover within, and express them-selves in their own unique ways.
Carl R. Rogers,
On Becoming a Person
Our hopes, fears, and desires influence how we think, per-ceive, and remember.
Joseph LeDoux,
Table of Contents
INTRODUCTION
iii
BREAKTHROUGH
1
RESOLVING CHAOS
8
OBSTRUCTION
13
HOLDING TOGETHER
17
OPPRESSION
25
PROGRESS
29
LIBERATION
33
FOLLOWING
39
SPLITTING APART
42
FELLOWSHIP
47
CONDUCT
51
RETREAT
56
QUIET ACCUMULATION
62
GREAT STRENGTH
67
PEACE
72
TEMPTATION
75
WANDERER
80
THE CREATIVE
82
PUSHING UPWARD
102
FINAL CONCLUSIONS
110
APPENDIX
112
The Psycho-Evolutionary Theory of Emotions 112 Revision and Extension of the Psycho-
Evolutionary Theory of Emotions 116
I n t r o d u c t i o n
The book, “Feeling Life,” has emerged through a process of reflective meditation. Ireflected upon and deeply explored my actions, choices, and decisions. My persistence in the process of understanding, interpreting and evaluatingled to the discovery of unexpected and surprising aspects of my life. I discovered a richness of emotions I’d experienced during the significant events in my life and learned how these emotions guided me through complex, difficult and challenging situations.
I organize this book into twenty chapters that contain the special emotional events from my life. At the end of each chapter, I summarize and analyze the emotions that were ex-perienced during the specific episode, and then generate the emotional patterns by applying Plutchik’s Theory of Emo-tions1 (see Appendix). These patterns served as a conceptual
tool to enhance an understanding of the role of emotions in my life.
Because of experienced emotions, I remember and retrieve these events with great clarity and intensity and can experi-ence them again and again in an almost similar way to those experienced during the original event. Can you imagine how boring and colorless our lives would be without great stories to tellthat contain an abundant variety of emotions?
1 Plutchik, R. (1980). Emotion. A Psychoevolutionary Synthesis. New York,
According to Sartre,2 emotions are mechanisms that link
impulsive actions to those perceived and experienced. He writes, “The emotional consciousness is primarily consciousness of the world…It is obvious indeed that the man who is frightened is afraid of something…In a word, the emotional subject and the object of the emotion are united in an indissoluble synthesis. Emotion is a specific manner of apprehending the world.”
Emotions can be shaped by focal attention. Attention can be directed either toward oneself, or external objects of percep-tion. It is tied to what the event means to each individual. Emotion thus transforms the world. Sartre3 writes: “In every
emotion, a multitude of affective pretensions extends into the future and presents it in an emotional light”.
It is the predictive character of emotion that is important in making decisions. My life stories provide direct evidence that emotions influencemakingdecision.
Damasio (1994) proposes that emotions play an essential role in decision-making. He argues that when we make a choice, a variety of mental images or thoughts regarding that choice appear and disappear continuously in consciousness. We also experience some feelings related to the choice. Damasio calls these thoughts and feelings “somatic markers” because they come from the body. They may lead to the rejection of some options or to the acceptance of others. He defines somatic markers as “a special instance of feelings generated from secondary
2 Sartre, J-P. (2002). Sketch for a theory of the emotions. London and New York:
Routledge Classics (pp.34-35).
3 Sartre, J-P. (2002). Sketch for a theory of the emotions. London and New York:
emotions. Those emotions and feelings have been connected, by learn-ing, to the predicted future outcomes of certain scenarios.4”
Loewenstein and Lerner5 distinguish two ways that
emo-tions impact decision-making. One involves the expected emo-tions, which consist of predictions regardingthe consequences of decisions and another involves the immediate emotions,
which are actually experienced during the actual decision-making process. They think that most theories of decision making include only expected emotions and assume that peo-ple predict the emotional consequences associated with alter-native courses of action and then choose the actionsthat will maximize positiveemotions and minimize negative emotions. Loewenstein and Lerner propose that the essential role in de-cision-making involves immediate emotions that direct atten-tion to important events, provide useful informaatten-tion about different courses of action, and generate the motivation neces-sary to implement a chosen course of action. The main benefit of expected emotions is that they guide behaviours affecting the long-term consequences of one’s actions, while the main benefit of immediate emotions is that they provide infor-mation about the key intangibles not captured by expected emotions.
Other researchers6 suggest that emotions influence the
choice, intensity and duration of actions. They alsoargue that emotional intensityleads to high quality performance.
4 Damasio, A. (1994). Descartes’error. Emotion, reason, and human brain.
Pen-guin Books. (p.174).
5 Loewenstein, G., and Lerner, J.S. (2003). The role of affect in decision
making. In R.J.Davidson, K.R. Scherer & H.H. Goldsmith (Eds.), (pp. 619-642) Handbook of Affective Sciences. Oxford University Press.
6 Seo, M., Barrett, L.F., and Bartunek, J.M. (2004). The role of affective
Freeman7 (2000) identifies emotion as the anticipation of
intentional action. He writes: “The key characteristic is that the action wells up from within the organism. It is not a reflex. It is di-rected toward some future state, which is being determined by the organism in conjunction with its perception of its evolving condition and its history”.
Plutchik8 (1980) goesbeyond Darwin’s idea that emotions
are adaptive reactions to the basic problems of life. He says primary emotions come in pairs of opposites—one for adapt-ing to positive situations (opportunities), and one for adaptadapt-ing to problematic situations (obstacles).
Frijda9 goes even further by proposing that emotions are
not guided primarily by seeking to adapt to environmental niches, but rather by expanding those niches. He proposes that emotional experiences provide novel motivations and knowledge that lead to entirely new emotions and actions. Frijda writes, “It creates future: the awareness of future that allows true intentions.” For example, emotions such as joy, interest, curiosity, and creativity expand the domain of activities and skills. Individuals feel “at home” in a wider environment ex-panded by their knowledge and imagination. Frijda suggests that such expansions also promote growth in the world of emotions.
7 Freeman, W.J. (2000). Emotion is Essential to All Intentional Behaviors. In
Marc.D. Lewis and Isabela Granic (Eds.), Emotion, Development, and Self-Organization. Dynamic Systems Approches to Emotional Development (pp.209-235). Cambridge University Press (p. 214).
8 Plutchik, R. (1980). Emotion. A Psychoevolutionary Synthesis. New York,
Cambridge, Philadelphia, San Francisco, London, mexico City, Sao Paulo, Sydney: Harper & Row, Publishers.
9 Frijda, N.H. (2007). The Laws of Emotion. Mahwah, New Jersey, London:
B r e a k t h r o u g h
On Christmas night, 1989, my husband and I decided to watch the news on television. For almost four years we hadn’t watched television at all. We wanted our children to focus on creative activities instead wasting their time watching foolish television programs. But this night was different. We wanted to see with our own eyes what was going on in Eastern Eu-rope. The first images we saw, to our complete shock, in-volvedthe execution of Romanian Dictator Nicolae Ceausescu and his wife Elena. We’d heard and read about the political situation in Eastern Europe, but didn’t imagine that the changes would be so dramatic. We were thrilled with those changes and started to think about returning to Poland. We’d lived in Calgary for almost eight years. We worked at the Uni-versity of Calgary, had a group of mostly Polish friends, and were Canadian citizens. However, we still hadn’t really put our roots in Canadian soil.
cities, there was an enormous shortage of apartments for young families at that time. Any available apartments were going to be outrageously expensive.
I started to worry about what would happen if Jolka’s brother didn’t move out. Where would we live? We still had five months to prepare for this big move, as well as sell our home and all our belongings. We also had to quit our jobs and pack all the essential things we would need for the first few months in Poland. I constantly thought about my future in democratic Poland. One possibility was to open a private school in Warsaw. I’d always dreamt about running my own school.
During those eight years in Calgary, we’d created a small school for our children and the children of our Polish friends. The idea of creating that school emerged while I was working as a physics instructor at the University of Calgary. I’d been surprised by the lack of student preparation for university study and felt that Canadian undergraduates needed more training, especially in mathematics and physics. Their level of education was comparable to the levels of vocational students in Warsaw where I’d been teaching physics part-time when our children were small.
excited and offered their full support. Stefan, a doctor and scientist from Foothills Hospital, wanted to teach Polish histo-ry, Janusz, a computer programmer, offered to teach the theo-ry of computers, Jurek decided to teach chemisttheo-ry and biology, Andrzej, a geologist, wanted to teach geography, and I decid-ed to teach physics and mathematics. We had a problem find-ing someone to teach Polish literature, but finally, a young female teacher from Poland contacted us and expressed a de-sire to teach it even though she didn’t have any children of her own.
We prepared a room in the basement of our home for the classes. Jurek built tables and stools for the kids and I decorat-ed the area with maps and other decorat-educational materials. Twice per week, children gathered at our home and quickly adjusted to those activities. They became a real community and thor-oughly enjoyed the companionship of each other. They called this school “Ark.” Janusz designed a logo and I put it on the certificates that were given to the kids who finished their courses.
Now we were going back to Poland. Why? I was totally confused. I knew that our decision was real and that in five short months we’d be living in Poland. Our lives in Canada had been much better for us than our lives under Polish com-munism. Both of us were employed at a Canadian university; we had a nice house; we were surrounded by friendly people and we had enough money for vacations and entertainment. But we always felt like we were only in Canada temporarily and that we’d be going back home after a long vacation. We came here because of the great employment opportunities and the hopeless situation in Poland. But now, as Poland became a democratic country, we felt deeply that we should go home and do something positive for our own people. Poland attract-ed us like a sattract-eductive lover. Where did its power come from? I asked myself why we were attracted to this difficult and chal-lenging country, to its language and culture, to its rich but tragic history. The images of my parents and former friends came to my mind.
I’d started to experience feelings of dissatisfaction with my life in Canada. It had become too stable and predictable. I felt like I needed a change. Moving back to Poland would provide this change. I’d never been a fearful person—on the contrary, I was curious, courageous and open to new challenges. I’d al-ways joked that I felt good in chaos and knew intuitively that in chaos, something interesting could happen.
whether it had been enough. Would their classmates accept them? I believed in their strength and resilience, but how would they feel there? I began to doubt our decision. I likened it to a black hole that sucked all my energy, thoughts, and feelings.
Immediate Emotions
Attention toward the world
Initially, my attention was directed toward the political situation in Eastern Europe. Because I cared deeply for what was going on in Poland, news about the changes there evoked the emotions of surprise, delight (surprise & joy),and curiosity
(surprise & acceptance). These elated emotions became an emotional turning point of decisive significance for my family and me. Curiosity and joy created an emotional state of attrac-tion/temptation. My attention was continually focused on Polish news. It was like an obsession that triggered the idea of returning to my native land.
Attention toward myself
Attention toward the children
Subsequently, my attention shifted to my children who meant everything to me. I was ultimately responsible for their lives so the uncertainty of living in Poland made me feel
confused (anticipation & surprise), nervous (surprise & fear), and anxious (anticipation & fear). I started to have doubts
about my decision.
Expected Emotions
In spite of my doubts, I feltenthusiastic/willing (anticipation & acceptance & joy), open-minded (anticipation & acceptance & surprise), and hopeful (anticipation & joy & sadness). I was very much oriented to the future and anticipated it with a feel-ing of uncertainty. I reasoned that thfeel-ings might, or might not work out, and felt that the future would bring either joy and happiness or sadness and disappointment.
I was also ready to welcome the unknown (anticipation & joy & surprise). That meant not being locked into a particular way of doing things, but appreciating some new possibilities.
R e s o l v i n g C h a o s
The first time I went to Canada without children. Poland was still under martial law then. Jurek sent me a telegram from Calgary saying he was in a hospital and needed me. That night when I received that telegram I was typing up some Sol-idarity material.
Suddenly, I heard a knock at my door. “Who could come so late at night to my home? Maybe the neighbours saw a light in my apartment or heard me typing and denounced me to government officials.” This thought passed through my mind like lightning through the air. I immediately hid the typewriter under my bed, and broke into a cold sweat. I was both furious and frightened. Then I ran like a zombie into the hall and, through a little hole in the doorway, saw a soldier. “My God, they’re coming for me. They’ll arrest me. What’ll happen to Bogusia and Bartek? ” I was shocked and traumatized. I opened the door and saw a young soldier who greeted me with a nice smile and handed me a yellow piece of paper. He said, “This is a telegram from Canada. Because post offices are closed, our responsi-bility is to deliver telegrams.” With relief, I took the telegram and closed the door behind me. I was shaking as I looked at the piece paper without any comprehension about what it said. It was too much for me.
That night, I experienced the intense emotions of surprise,
anger and fear. When they combined with each other, second-ary emotions were created. I felt the strong emotions of alarm
and panic (surprise & fear), regarding what might happen to my children. My thoughts that someone had denounced me evoked outrage (surprise & anger). Finally, a combination of anger and fear created a state of frozenness, and attentive immo-bility. I found myself in a hopeless position. I was caught in a “fight” or “flight” situation, but was able to remain mentally alert.
kids with you. We’re giving you permission to go for one month. After that, you must return to Poland. ” I was devastated.
There was no communication or transportation between Po-land and the outside world—it was a completely closed state. I couldn’t send him this news, or phone him. I was completely confused. I wanted to see my husband, but what was I going to do with our children? I couldn’t sleep so around four a.m. I called my father for advice. I knew I could count on him and after listening to me, he said, “I think you should go and decide what to do next later. Bogusia and Bartek can stay with us for the month.” This was great advice that gave me energy for action. I decided to go to Jurek. Surprisingly, I was able to book a seat on a Canadian aircraft reserved for Canadians who worked in Po-land, but wanted to leave Poland in this uncertain environment. This plane was to fly to Montreal. There I would have to disem-bark and catch another plane to Calgary. Poland was a country in a state of confusion and there were no regular flights to Can-ada. I’d been very lucky to get this particular trip.
In two days, I was ready for departure. I packed a small suitcase, kissed the kids and my parents, and promised them I’d be back in a month. A friend of mine, Danuta, took me to the airport. On the way, I constantly heard Bartek’s sweet goodbye in my head, “Mom, don’t worry. During your absence, I’ll be work-ing on grandpa and grandma to become Solidarity supporters.”
In Montreal, I had to wait for four hours for the flight to Calgary. I called Jurek and informed him when I’d get to Cal-gary. I also told him that I was travelling without the kids. He shouted into the phone: “Why? Why? Why?”
“I’ll explain later,” I replied.
easy task. Finally, with the help of friendly people from the Polish Consulate, we found a flight to Warsaw through Am-sterdam. I promised Jurek that I’d do everything I could to come back—with the children. We hoped thatthe government policies would change soon. Martial law couldn’t last forever.
As promised, on June 1, (the Day of the Child – Dzien Dziecka), I appeared at the front door of my parents’ apart-ment. It was a happy surprise for all of us. I brought presents for everyone. I bought a unique series of Smurfs for Bartek and Bogusia and some salami and smoked salmon for my mother. These gifts were rarities during those tough times. Bartek and Bogusia were ecstatic to see me. In my suitcase, Bogusia spotted the Dutch clogs I’d bought for her in Amster-dam while waiting for my connection back to Warsaw. She tried them on and was so fascinated with them that she went to sleep without taking them off. For the next few days she marched proudly to kindergarten with those wooden shoes clattering noisily on the pavement.
This trip had energized me and given me new hope. I had a clear plan to return to Canada. First of all, I had to talk to Jurek’s professor and ask him to sign the documents, which would allow him to continue to stay in Canada. He was sup-posed to do that task a long ago, but somehow forgot.
I also learned that the Polish military council was begin-ning to become more lenient for families who had been sepa-rated by martial law. They created a new rule allowing family members to apply for passports so as to join any kin living outside of Poland. I applied immediately for passports for each member of our family.
O b s t r u c t i o n
I had one more problem to solve. My mother-in-law was opposed to me leaving Poland. She was afraid of being left alone during this difficult time. Her health was deteriorating and she had symptoms of malnutrition. On a few occasions I had to accompany her to a hospital because she had a strange feeling that her head had come away from the rest of her body. None of the doctors knew how to help her. They sug-gested she relax and eat properly. “But how could anyone eat properly during that difficult period?” Everything was in short supply and she didn’t have the energy to line up for food. I frequently had to bring her the basics such as bread, butter, and meat. But I wasn’t able to check what she was actually eating on a daily basis. Once my departure became a reality, my mother--in--law became more and more fearful about be-ing left alone without help from me.
asked her whether or not she’d received a letter from the gov-ernment. She said, “A few days ago, I got a letter, but didn’t open it because I was sure they rejected my application.” I jumped with excitement. “Please, show it to me. We’ll see what they wrote,” I said. My mother-in-law then handed me the letter.
I couldn’t believe what I was reading. They’d agreed to is-sue her a passport and informed her that she could pick it up anytime during regular office hours. Both my mother-in-law and I were in a state of utter disbelief. “Wow!!! This implies that significant changes are happening. They’re beginning to treat people like human beings,” I exclaimed.
My mother-in-law got her passport, but also needed an American Visa. How was she going to get one? I thought about the American family who came to stay in my home in Warsaw before there was martial law. I knew that Sharyn, the mother of the family, was working in the American Embassy and might be able to help us get a visa. I contacted her and asked if she could do it. She replied, “Yes, of course. Please, bring me your mother-in-law’s passport. I’ll be waiting for you to-morrow at the gate for American citizens. Please come at nine in the morning.” A few days later I had both the passport and the American Visa.
“My God, mother, you’ll soon get tired carrying all this. I asked you to travel lightly,” I whispered to her with disappointment. I also requested that she refrain from smoking on the plane, as Bartek was very sensitive to the smell of cigarettes. However, the minute my mother-in-law found out that she was sitting in the plane’s smoking section, she took out a cigarette and lit it. Bartek looked at her and with anger said, “You promised me yesterday that you wouldn’t smoke during our trip. What the heck are you doing? I can’t trust you anymore. I’ll never write to you.”
relief. We had to wait another two hours for our connection to Calgary, where Jurek was waiting impatiently for us. He hadn’t seen his kids in two years.
During our journey to Canada, I felt very happy (joy & sur-prise), and excited (joy & anticipation), that we were going to join Jurek and come together as a family again. But, I had a lot of uncertainty (anticipation & surprise), anxiety (anticipation & fear), and doubt (anticipation & surprise & fear) about our fu-ture. I was also disappointed (surprise & sadness), annoyed, and
H o l d i n g T o g e t h e r
One day, soon after I got home from work, the phone rang. “Krysia?” my mother-in-law shouted into the phone. “Can you come to see me? I’ve got some strange Americans with me and they’re carrying a letter from Magda. I don’t understand them and don’t know what they want from me. I’ll keep them outside on the stairs. You know how to speak English, so you’ll know what they want.”
“Ok,” I answered calmly, “But first I have to pick up Bo-gusia from kindergarten and Bartek from my parent’s place— then I’ll come. I’ll be there in about half an hour.”
walked very slowly. The Americans were tired after the long trip from Gainesville. Bartek was trying to push Steve’s bags. On the way home, I wondered how I was going to put them up in our small apartment. Where would they sleep?
Most of the time, they were quiet—keenly observing the streets and buildings. James was more talkative than the rest. He explained how they’d received a letter from their close friend Magda, who was my husband’s sister. James was a graduate student at the same university where she was work-ing as a postdoctoral researcher. When Magda learned that James had received a Fulbright research scholarship to study Polish advertising in relation to its economics, she wrote a letter to her mom requesting help during their first days in Poland. Magda was not aware of the psychic and physical conditions of her mother. She didn’t expect her mother’s reac-tion. In my opinion, a research study on advertising in Poland was a joke. The Polish economy had collapsed completely and there was no need for advertising products which only ap-peared sporadically in stores while people waited in long lines for hours to buy them. However, I didn’t say anything, I just nodded.
I was embarrassed and ashamed of my country because disorder and disorganization had become normal. In my dark-est moments I felt hopeless. That’s why I continually dreamt about a Poland that could make its citizens feel proud, secure, and happy. That’s why I became one of the first members of the Solidarity movement, which had started to organize spon-taneously at the Technical University where I worked. I hoped that organized action could introduce radical changes in Po-land. The word “change” was the most common word spoken in the discussions of Poles at that time. It was not feasible to live properly and raise healthy children in this system. That was why, even for a short period, I wanted to join Jurek in Canada. I wanted to experience a different life and to give our children a chance to live in better conditions. But, from the other side, I wanted to be active and involved in the fight against this monster of Communism. I also felt that my old parents needed me, but they never complained that I was planning to leave them. Rather, they encouraged me to go and experience a better life. I was confused about what to do in this difficult and complex situation.
When we entered our apartment, I asked them to put their luggage in the children’s bedroom where they would be sleep-ing. There were two beds and I brought two additional mat-tresses in. Bogusia and Bartek were excited that they would be sleeping in my room. Bartek would sleep on a folded bed while Bogusia would sleep with me.
They were very thirsty, so James grabbed a cup and ran to take some tap water. However, I stopped him and explained that water always had to be boiled first. Then I quickly pre-pared a simple dinner and asked them about their plans for the next few days. James had to go to the university to check out where he’d be working, but Sharyn didn’t have any plans. I’d been very busy at the University with two students who were finishing their theses under my supervision. They knew I was going to leave Poland soon, but still required a lot of help. I’d already postponed my trip to Canada a few times so that my students could finish their theses. The first reserva-tion had been set for November 17th, then it changed to the 1st of December and finally to December 15th. Jurek was not pleased with these changes as he’d already rented an apart-ment for the whole family, and paid a lot of money for it.
The next day, when I returned from work, I found out that James hadn’t been able to get into the university because the students were controlling the entrance. They were only allow-ing the people with identification cards to enter. Unfortunate-ly, he didn’t have such a card. He required a photo of himself to get one so I promised to go to the university with him the next day to assist him in this pursuit.
I often invited my close friends, Waldek and Andrzej, to help me bring coal up from the cellar and make a fire in the furnace. This had been Jurek’s responsibility, but before his trip to Canada he’d asked them to help me with this task. They were surprised to see strange people in our apartment. I intro-duced them to the American family and asked them to speak English in their presence. Waldek was in heaven having a chance to speak English and started to eloquently describe the political and economic situation in Poland. He portrayed the state of our country in such dark colors that James and Sharyn became seriously worried about their lives. “I’m so surprised that you came here without doing any research into what’s going on in Poland. You can’t imagine what can happen here—inevitably they will shoot people and blood will flow,” Waldek told them. The night he told them that, a light stayed on in their room for a long time.
apartment in a new building that was considered extravagant by Polish standards.
A very funny incident happened when they went to see the apartment. James asked quietly, “Krysia, can you ask the landlord where the cellar is and if there’s enough coal for the winter?” I answered, also in a very quiet voice, “Don’t worry about that. I’ll tell you later why you don’t need to ask this question.” Living with us, James thought all apartments were heated by coal or firewood and didn’t realize that coal or wood furnaces only existed in old buildings. In new buildings, apartments were heated by hot water coming from a central power station. These two ways of heating apartments had pos-itive and negative features. Having a coal furnace involved a lot of work because you had to order the coal and create the fire. But at least that way people could rely on themselves to adjust how hot they wanted their places. On the other hand, in the new buildings, people could not control the central heating system and very often suffered from the cold. I knew that be-cause my parents lived in an apartment with a central heating system and my mother was constantly complaining about how cold it was, starting as early as November. The first day you could start heating apartments was the 15th of November.
I never figured out who made that decision. Why couldn’t they be flexible and allow heating to occur in relation to the actual weather?
there are many products, but not many people. But in Polish stores, there are a lot of people, but not very many products.”
We had a great time together. My English skills had im-proved by then. I showed them the TOEFL exams and they tried to take some tests. They were surprised at how difficult they were and very often got the wrong answers.
The American family had a roof under their heads during their first days in Warsaw and an enthusiastic guide and advi-sor who taught them how to live in this difficult time.
O p p r e s s i o n
Two days before my journey to Canada, I waited for a phone call from Jurek. Three large suitcases had been prepared and were ready for the trip. I’d packed the most essential items required for the first few months in this new country. Usually, Jurek called at about 6:00 a.m. By 6:30 a.m. I still hadn’t received his call and was starting to get a bit nervous. “What’s going on? Why isn’t he calling?” I checked the phone—there was no signal. Then I checked to see if it was plugged in, thinking that the kids could have disconnected it while playing. The phone was con-nected so my anxiety started to build. I then switched on the TV, and was shocked to seeGeneral Jaruzelski giving a speech,
“Our homeland is on the edge of an abyss. The achievement of many generations and the entire Polish nation that has been built from dust are about to turn into ruins. The conflicts, misunderstandings, hated causes, and moral crises have now surpassed the limits of toleration. Chaos and demoralization have reached the magnitude of a catastrophe and our people have reached the limit of their toleration. Many are struck with despair. The responsibility that falls on me at this dra-matic moment in Polish history is huge. Today I declare that the Mili-tary Council of National Salvation has been formed. In accordance with the Constitution, this State Council has imposed martial law throughout the entire country.”
the regular civilian government fails to function effectively.” I was in shock and disbelief. I feared that my trip to Canada would be cancelled, but I hoped that wouldn’t happen. I decided to wake Bartek and Bogusia and ask Krzysztof if he knew what was going on. Since he was an Army Officer, and the father of one of Bartek’s school friends, I thought he’d know. We went out onto the street and found that every building wall was posted with martial law proclamations—Obwieszczenie.
Many people had gathered and were energetically discuss-ing these postdiscuss-ings. Like me, they were in absolute shock. Most of them knew the situation was serious but nobody expected somethingas drastic as this.I met Krzysztof on the stairs of his building. He greeted me, and said without hesitation, “Krysia, it’s really serious. You won’t be able to go. All the borders are closed and all flights to foreign countries are cancelled.” I couldn’t believe it and decided to take a taxi to the airport to check my flights. Before I did, I went to my parent’s home. They hugged the kids and me to give us energy for any future struggles. I left the children with my parents, ran out into the street, and hailed a taxi. The driver told me he’d just returned from the airport and noted that tanks and soldiers were blocking the highway there.
to her wardrobe and took out my father’s best sweater. She then handed it to me. “Here, give this tothe prisoners,” she said, “They need it more than we do.”
The days continued to pass without any hope for im-provement. Because of martial law, my friends could no long-er stay at our place. Food supplies wlong-ere now worse than they werebefore Martial Law had been declared. Prices rose expo-nentially.
My first letter to Jurek was written on December 21st, and
sent to him by James, the American friend who worked at the American Consulate in Warsaw. Normal communications were completely blocked. I wrote, “I wonder what information you have about our situation. It’s not good, but I can’t give you any details because this letter could be censored. I’m completely de-pressed, lethargic, empty, and even unable to pray. Only occasional-ly our kids are able to wake me up. I’m doing everything mechanical-ly due to Martial Law. We eat onions and garlic because I’m able to buy it right now, but I’m not sure for how much longer. One egg now costs 20-50 zl. People are great, but I’ll tell you more when we next see each other. I bought some coal but it isn’t generating a lot of heat. I’ve got to burn a whole bucket of it to get even a little bit of warmth. All your fish have died because I forgot to switch on the heater. Mother and I have great neighbors who bring us food so we won’t die of starvation. Your mother received a package from Magda, which gave her something extra to eat. I visit her every day and hope to spend Christmas with her, as well as with my own parents. How are you going to spend the holidays
When Martial Law was declared, I felt shocked (surprise & rejection/disgust), and confused (surprise & anticipation). Lat-er, I felt alarmed and even awed (surprise & fear). Eventually, I felt outrage (surprise & anger), and deep disappointment (sur-prise & sadness). At first, I had energy (anger & acceptance), and determination (anger & anticipation), to help the interned activists by collecting clothes and personal items for them. But when many days passed without any changes, I became frozen,
unemotional, and empty (fear & anger). Then my anger, com-bined with rejection/disgust, generated a strong feeling of con-tempt, and my sadness and fear produced feelings of despair and
embarrassment. My sadness and rejection/disgust created a feel-ing of misery. I felt resigned (sadness & acceptance), pessimistic
P r o g r e s s
Long before the trip, I decided I’d do everything I could to obtain work as a physicist at a reputable university in Canada. I was aware that the biggest obstacle was my low level of working English. That’s why I’d been working hard on im-proving it. I had to pass the TOEFL (Test of English as a For-eign Language) Exam and had been preparing for it. Jurek had sent me a study book for this exam, and I’d been practicing test questions and memorizing words, phrases, idioms, and sentences. I’d been listening to BBC Radio and completely immersing myself in this new language. I knew that, to be admitted into a university, I’d have to be fluent. I’d even taken this exam at the American Embassy in Warsaw, but my score was too low for acceptance as a graduate student. I’d planned to try the test again in Calgary.
money and was then able to take the kids to McDonalds for a hot chocolate or to K-Mart to buy them some clothes or toys. However, my English was still poor because I couldn’t find many Canadians to talk to. I had to find some way to com-municate with others. Every day on the way to school, I’d buy a newspaper and study the classifieds. I then called business people pretending that I wanted to buy their products, just so I could speak with them. I even pretended that I wanted to rent an apartment or buy a house. These conversations helped me become fluent in English.
Finally, I was ready to take another TOFEL exam at the university. At the exam site I met a very nice man named Pi-otr. He was Polish and quickly realized that I was Polish too. He’d graduated at the Technical University of Warsaw, where I’d worked as a scientist for four years before coming to Cana-da. We discovered that we knew many of the same Polish uni-versity people. I invited him over to our place for dinner as he lived close to our home. He was our first friend in North America. Subsequently, he introduced us to his mother and sisters, who visited him frequently and gave him lots of moral support. He felt very lonely in this new city and needed con-tacts with friendly people.
take trips to the mountains and other places. Finally, my TOEFL results arrived, but they were still too low for ac-ceptance into graduate school. I decided to meet with the Dean of Graduate Studies to discuss this matter. He was an older gentleman with a strong English accent. I showed him the computerized exam results, which indicated scores within an acceptable range, and explained to him that my TOEFL marks were preventing me from continuing the graduate studies that I’dalready begun. In fact, my marks in thermodynamics were very high. Fortunately, he was very understanding and wrote me an acceptance letter without hesitation. I was overjoyed and sang and danced like a child.I always act that way when I’m very happy. When I got home, I immediately called my mother and shared this delightful news with her.
L i b e r a t i o n
In graduate school, I studied physics, conducted research, and taught undergraduate students. I created some helpful routines in my daily life to facilitate success. One of those ac-tivities was going to the library to look for journals on plasma physics, which had been my specialty at the Technical Univer-sity in Warsaw. It was my intention to continue studying this subject at the University of Calgary. When I found interesting papers there, I copied them and sent them along to Dr. War-tanowicz, a Polish professor I was still communicating with. Frequently, I received letters from him requesting the specific information he wanted. Often those letters had been censored. I found it quite humorous that large holes were often cut out of them, as if the officials of Poland’s Martial Law assumed they contained important information concealed by secret codes.
I liked spending time in the university library. It was my world. I loved being with books, selecting and searching through journals, and making notes on all the subjects that interested me. From childhood, I’d loved books and my fa-vourite places had always been bookstores and libraries. I loved the smell of books and the silence of libraries and bookstores. In those enclaves, my mind could wander into deep places. I could then connect different concepts and solve the problems of physics and mathematics that intrigued me.
I could rely entirely on myself. After a short talk with him, I found out that we had a common interest and he wanted me to explore it. This subject involved the mechanism of accelera-tion for elementary particles, which move from the Sun along magnetic fields to the ionosphere. Somewhere, on the path from the Sun to the Earth, particles speed up drastically in some astonishing way.
In September 1992, I started working as a physics instruc-tor. Most of the students were from the Department of Educa-tion and hadn’t studied any physics in high school. They didn’t have a clue about the subject. My approach was to give them a twenty-minute introduction to the experiment they would conduct during the rest of the class. I remember my first class vividly. It felt like I could hear the lecture as an echo coming back to me. I was shocked by the low level of my Eng-lish and wondered how the students understood me. At home, I constantly practiced English pronunciations by listening carefully to how people talked—then I imitated them. Giving lectures was not so bad, but it was difficult when students began to ask questions about the experiments. Very often I had not understood their questions, but I found some novel ways to deal with them such as asking, “If you want my help, please speak slowly and clearly.”
problems. However, the relationship between the supervisor and me was not so great. He was not only a poor supervisor, but also a very weak scientist. I had to rely entirely upon my-self. I showed him my results almost every week. One day he remarked that he would present the results of my research at a conference in Montreal, due to my poor English. However, one week before the conference, he withdrew and announced that he’d changed his mind and that I should present this work. Fortunately, I shared an office with a very friendly Ca-nadian physicist who patiently listened to my presentation and gave me some good suggestions.
about this situation and wanted to help. I’d even had a friendly talk with the Dean who asked me directly about my relation-ship with the supervisor. However, I didn’t say anything about it to him.
A solution came during my candidacy exam. One of the members of the committee asked me a very interesting ques-tion, which I interpreted as a job offer. After the candidacy exam, I was so tired I took a vacation with my family for a month. It was a beautiful summer and we went to the Upper Arrow Lakes in British Columbia. During my time away from work, I had lots of time to think about the question asked by that friendly professor. When the vacation was over, I decided to visit him and ask if I’d understood his question properly. “Did he really want to hire me as a researcher?”
He was pleasantly surprised by my boldness and laughed loudly, almost falling out of his chair. Then he said, “Yes, you are totally correct. Our group of researchers has won an excellence program and we need researchers to work on the Aurora Borealis. We thought you’d be an excellent candidate. But, you’ll have to de-cide whether you want to continue working on your thesis, or join us in this research”
call my mom and share this happy news with her. My mom was always the first person I shared important information with. We had a wonderful relationship. I loved her very much and could even tell her my deepest secrets. Mom was my an-gel and mentor. We loved talking to each other and sharing our lives. I frequently hoped the relationship with my own daughter would be as genuine, friendly and delightful as the one with my mother.
Prior to my decision to join the Department of Astrophys-ics, I felt disappointed (surprise & sadness), frustrated (surprise & anger), irritated (anger & sadness), and resentful (anger, sad-ness & surprise). I’d lost joy and interest in working on a thesis under the supervision of the East Indian professor. Fortunate-ly, a job offer from a friendly professor evoked positive emo-tions. I enthusiastically accepted that offer and optimistically
F o l l o w i n g
I never regretted the time spent on my graduate studies. I had learned a lot—especially during the Nonlinear Summer School in The Santa Fe Institute, New Mexico. One day, during our weekly discussions, the supervisor asked me if I’d heard about Chaos Theory. He mentioned that in the summer there’d be a special school for physicists who wanted to learn about it. He said some funds would be made available to me, if I wanted to go. I was excited and quickly accepted his offer. Luckily, my husband didn’t oppose me and promised to take care of the children while I was away. The two weeks spent at the Nonlinear Summer School listening to lectures on Chaos Theory had an enormous impact on my life. I’d fallen in love with this new theory on open, dynamic, and nonlinear sys-tems, and felt intuitively that it could be applied to many other disciplines. I especially thought it could be applied to psy-chology and education. I learned that Chaos Theory teaches us to be open, sensitive, and accepting of unpredictability— favouring instability over equilibrium.
I also met many physicists from different universities. One of them was Daniel who became my companion during those two weeks of Summer School. We enjoyed walking and talk-ing about anythtalk-ing and everythtalk-ing.
and talking with you as we discussed just about anything. Needless to say, Friday’s walk was very lonely and boring. I’m not a person who shows his feelings as I’ve always felt that to do so is a sign of weakness (that’s my temperament, I guess!) Please take the following as a compliment without any wrong intentions—you’re one of the few people I’ve ever felt comfortable with from the beginning. It’s usually very hard for me to make friends, as I tend to act coldly with others. It’s just too bad you’re married!”
We continued to exchange letters for almost two years. In one of my letters, I told him about my decision to quit gradu-ate school and start working on the Aurora Borealis phenome-non. I revealed to him that during my preparation for a candi-dacy exam, I’d spent very little time with my children and they’d complained about it a lot. I felt guilty about this and decided to spend more time with them. In my last letter to him I wrote, “We’re opening a private school in our home. We already have ten students and four teachers. Recently, I closed myself into a “Polish shell.” I read only Polish literature and surround myself with Polish friends. Even writing in English is painful for me. Too bad you don’t know my first language. Last Sunday, the Polish poet Lothar Herbst visited us. He went to West Germany to cure his eye and was invited by some friends of ours to come to Canada to tell us about the situation in Poland. What he said was very encouraging. The Solidarity movement is becoming strong. An independent cul-ture is emerging with almost seven hundred journals being pub-lished. This news poured hope into our hearts. We were very happy that night.”
well as teaching your children, must be demanding a great deal of energy from you.”
During the two weeks of the Nonlinear Summer School, I
enthusiastically (anticipation & joy) opened myself up to Chaos Theory and accepted it by envisioning (acceptance & anticipa-tion) that it could be applied to many different fields. I was able to connect with other participants and become friendly
S p l i t t i n g A p a r t
After a lengthy stay in Canada, we decided to pack up and
return to Poland. I wrote to my brother and gave him our flight
details.
He promised to meet us in Frankfurt and drive us to
Poland. Before we left, we were busy with many garage sales
and parties. Almost all of our friends were surprised by our
decision. Some of them thought it was a courageous move, but
others believed we were acting stupidly and predicted we’d
come back.
Finally, the day of our departure arrived. Jurek drove us to the airport. With a heavy heart, we said goodbye to him and promised to see him soon in Poland. Jurek had to pack all our books in containers and send them to Poland by sea. We’d collected so many books that it wasn’t possible to carry them all in our suitcases. Our house sold a week after being put on the market so he had to stay with friends before leaving.
My brother was waiting for us at the Frankfurt airport and quickly spotted us in a crowd of people. He recognized Bo-gusia and me right away, but was surprised to see the hand-some boy who accompanied us. He remembered my son as a small child, but by now he’d become a young man. My broth-er always loved him and was jealous he didn’t have a son like him. He had three daughters, but always dreamt he would have a son to carry on his business.
we’ll go to Manheim to relax and stay with a professor of mine. Then we’ll go to the historic city of Heidelberg. After that, we’ll head over to my place through Berlin and stay there for about three days. By then, it’ll be time to go to Warsaw. It’s best to travel by train these days as the roads are still not very good.”
It was May—the most beautiful time of the year in West-ern Europe. After a great dinner and a short nap, we went to Heidelberg. It was a beautiful and historic town with a univer-sity campus. Young people on bikes could be seen every-where. We observed the streets and buildings with great curi-osity. Janusz would drive us to Poland the next day.
When we were close to the border of West and East Berlin, Janusz commented,
”Don’t be surprised. You’ll experience a different world here.”
We caught a glimpse of the Berlin Wall, which was nearly de-stroyed. About six months before, this wall had divided the German people. It was very interesting for Bogusia and Bartek to see directly what they’d only before seen on TV at sleepo-vers of some of their friends. A few months ago, they’d excit-edly watched the German people climbing over this wall and then celebrating their freedom. They’d even seen them chip-ping away parts of the wall. They saw this as people destroy-ing the symbols of isolation and division that had separated them for so many years. Bartek, Bogusia, and I were thrilled to see it. It was proof that changes were happening in Eastern Europe. We hoped that we’d also experience some changes in our native land. We couldn’t wait to enter Poland.
we noticed a long line-up of cars waiting for gas. This sur-prised us. We certainly had never seen anything like this in Canada so I walked over to find out what was going on. To my amazement, I discovered that the station attendants had gone for breakfast and shut the place down! I moved past many people waiting to buy gas to ask the garage officials why they weren’t serving gas. One of the men inside, who was eating sandwiches, pointed to an official, yellow document hanging on a window stating that the rules called for the sta-tion’s closure during breakfast breaks. The date of this docu-ment was 1968. I couldn’t believe that the rules from the dark-est period of communism were still in effect in a new, demo-cratic Poland.
By the time I went back to Janusz’s car, I could see that the line-up was almost a kilometer long. Some of the people wait-ing were very tired and tried to take short naps. Those with small children were feeding them, taking them for small walks, or playing with them. To my surprise, they seemed calm. “They’ve become accustomed to the stupid rules,” I thought.
position. This event became a pivotal point for change in Po-land. The Warsaw Writer’s Union, followed by the Actor’s Union, had condemned this ban after which many students at the University of Warsaw organized a large demonstration. I’d been one of the protesting students and witnessed how bands of the Communist Party, called “worker-squads”, had vicious-ly attacked us. I’d come home with a bleeding forehead and a fractured finger. I was furious, so I mentioned at dinner that night that I was returning to the protests the next day, “to fight for freedom.” My father reacted immediately by saying “You’re not going anywhere. You’ll stay home tomorrow. I won’t allow you to get involved in these dangerous activities.”
As it turned out, the people occupying our apartment hadn’t moved out and apparently weren’t planning to leave. I had to find another place to live because we couldn’t continue to stay in my parent’s small apartment. I felt homeless in own country!
During our first days back in Poland, I experienced not on-ly disappointment and distress (surprise & sadness), but also
F e l l o w s h i p
Poland had been under the dominance of Soviet Communist since the end of World War II. Those years were character-ized by social unrest and economic depression. In early Au-gust 1980, a wave of strikes led to the establishment of an independent trade union movement called, “Solidarity.” It was an extensive, anti-bureaucratic, social movement that demanded political andeducational changes.But for real po-litical and educational transitions, the Polish people had to wait until 1989. During the first six months of that year, key members of the Communist Party, (PZPR), and representa-tives of the Solidarity movement, were involved in what be-came known as the Round Table Negotiations. During those negotiations, the Solidarity sub-committee on Education succeeded in getting the Communist Party to agree to the ideological neutrality of schools and to the loosening of state controls over the educational system. Teachers were given greater authority to select textbooks, and parents and teach-ers were granted the right to set up ‘community schools’ (szkoãy spoãeczne). This was at least a starting point for sig-nificant change in Poland.
get in touch with some of my old friends and share this idea with them. At our first meeting, most of them enthusiastically approved of my plans. We felt that, in this new atmosphere of political change and intellectual freedom, we’d be able to cre-ate something really significant for our children. We decided to create a school and place an advertisement in the local newspaper announcing its opening. After the ad appeared in that newspaper, I received more than one hundred calls re-questing registration forms for students in this ‘not-yet-existing’ school. To me, this was confirmation of an enormous need in Poland for this kind of school.
The next challenge was to find a building. I spent hours calling a variety of organizations and visiting different places to locate a proper space for the future school. Finally, I found an unfinished building belonging to a local church. The parish priest agreed to lease one whole floor to us, on the condition that we’d be responsible for all the renovations—installing windows, laying floors, painting walls, and finishing the washrooms. A few weeks later, at this same location, I orga-nized a second meeting with parents of potential students. From the very start, I explained that one of my main objectives would be to actively involve both parents and students in the ongoing life of the school. At that time, many of the attendees enthusiastically expressed their commitment to this kind of participation.
hiring teachers and administrative staff, choosing curricula and textbooks, preparing entrance examinations, developing course outlines, enrolling students, creating a summer camp for accepted pupils, purchasing furniture and equipment, and completing the necessary renovations.
The period of political and educational transition in Po-land became a time of an unexpected opportunity and re-source development for our emerging school. For example, the main library of the Communist Party had been closed and a rich collection of classic books then became available to the public. In a similar way, many of their institutions were dis-solved, and the furniture in them became accessible to new organizations.
One day, I met Professor âabanowska, my former High School mathematics teacher. She’d learned that I was organiz-ing a social school and was interested in preparorganiz-ing a mathe-matics entrance exam. She suggested giving a talk on a chosen mathematical topic, then having potential students listen to her lecture, make notes, and take tests based on the material she had covered.
My role was to link and coordinate different groups of parents. I felt enormous joy and satisfaction in observing the involvement and enthusiasm of the parents and students as we created this school.
With the help of parents, I organized a village camp near the Karpaty Mountains for students who passed exams and had been accepted into the school. The purpose of the camp was to get to know the students better and give them a chance to learn about themselves and make friends with each other.
After returning to Poland, my attention was directed to the idea of opening a school in Warsaw. I was completely open
(anticipation), and committed to this idea (surprise & acceptance & joy). I had to learn all the new educational policies and ap-ply them to the process of creating this school. I was able to influence others with my enthusiasm (anticipation & ac-ceptance & joy), and vision (anticipation & acceptance). During the first three months of this project, I developed friendship and
companionship (acceptance & joy) with many people. Finally, I felt great enjoyment and satisfaction (joy & surprise), when we actually created a new school.
C o n d u c t
It was a beautiful summer. In July, the accepted students went to a camp organized by the parents and me. But in Au-gust, I decided to take Bartek and Bogusia on a journey through Poland. I had a lot of contacts with Poles who’d visit-ed their families in Calgary and become friends with us. They’d invited me to visit them upon our return to Poland. Now I had the opportunity to visit and stay with them for a few days.
I drove from Warsaw to the historic town of Kielce, located in the middle of the Holy Cross Mountains (Góry ģwičtokrzyskie). When attending university, I hiked there frequently. Now I wanted to show my children the beauty of those mountains and teach them the history of Poland. Kielce was an amazing city. Bartek remembered from his history les-sons that Kielce had been destroyed and rebuilt many times. In the 17th century, during the Swedish Deluge, Kielce had
been robbed and completely burnt. In 1830 and 1883, many of its citizens had taken part in uprisings against Russia. Finally, after the outbreak of World War I, Kielce was the first city to be liberated from Russian rule by the Polish Legions under Józef Piãsudski. He was a Polish hero who we were forbidden to learn about during the Communistic period.
loved the history of Poland and once bought a book that con-tained an inspirational letter written by Pilsudski to the Polish people after the failed Insurrection of 1863.
“It was a sublime effort in which everyone in the land—old and young, woman and child, shared a unity of purpose so great that the vast military force of Russia, with all its government machinery, couldn’t destroy. The strength and power of that resistance lay not in the guns that were carried through the woods and marshes, but in the sublime self-sacrifices of the whole civilian community which sent forth an army and protected it. That was the spiritual height, which this nation was able to attain. It was defeated, but that defeat is one of the most beautiful leaves in the Polish crown of laurels.”
Bartek carried this book everywhere. He was proud to show it to the sister of one of my friends who lived in Kielce. That sister took us to a local museum where we were able to locate some detailed information about the dramatic and trag-ic events that Pilsudski wrote about.
Then I told him that I was organizing a social school in Warsaw with the support of many other enthusiastic people. Soon, we approached Orawa Park. When we left the car, Wãadysãaw held my arm and pretended we knew each other very well. A tall woman approached and greeted us with a big smile. Her name was Graİyna and she was one of the directors of Orawa Park. Wãadysãaw introduced me to her by saying, “This is my friend Krystyna. She’s the principal of the social school in Warsaw. She’s travelling through Poland to show her kids the beauty of our mountains.” Graİyna invited us to a dinner pre-pared with locally grown vegetables. She guided us to a large table covered with a white tablecloth that had many dishes on it. There were lots of people seated around that table and they introduced themselves to us one by one.
During dinner, I told them about my life in Canada and my decision to return to Poland. I also told them about how my friends and I had created a school in Warsaw by finding a location for it in a parish building and then registering stu-dents. They seemed to be very interested in this story.
