i
“
THE FADING SHADOW
”
THESIS
Submitted in Partial Fulfillment
of the Requirements for the Degree of
Sarjana Sastra
TRIYULI
NIM: 392012010
ENGLISH LANGUAGE AND LITERATURE DEPARTMENT
FACULTY OF LANGUAGE AND LITERATURE
UNIVERSITAS KRISTEN SATYA WACANA
SALATIGA
v
COPYRIGHT STATEMENT
This thesis contains no such material as has been submitted for examination in any course or accepted for the fulfillment of any degree or diploma in any university. To the best of my knowledge and belief, this contains no material previously published or written by any other person except where due reference is made in the text.
Copyright @2016: Triyuli and Suzana Maria L.A.F, M. Hum.
All rights reserved. No part of this thesis may be reproduced by any means without the prior written permission of at least one of the copyright owners or the English Department of Satya Wacana Christian University, Salatiga.
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DEDICATION AND ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
This thesis work is dedicated to my beloved family, who loves supports, prays of day
and night make me get such achievement during the struggle of graduate school and
life. There is the greatest blessing of God I get especially having you in my entire life.
I would like to thank my sister’s friend, who inspired me with her life in writing this
work.
In addition, a thank and appreciation to:
1. Eva Merdekawati, Ivana Erlinda, Kezia Elika, Kristina Dwi, and Laurensia
Pamela as my best friends. Thank you for your time, and words to support me
when I was down with my obstacles during finishing The Fading Shadow. 2. Ibu Esriaty Sega Kendenan as my academic advisor. Thank you for your
advice and guide.
3. Ibu Deta Maria Sri Darta, as head of the English Literature, examiner, and
teacher who introduced me to Literature world. Thank you for your time and
energy, and comment for The Fading Shadow.
4. Ibu Purwanti Kusumaningtyas, as ex-head of the English Literature and
teacher who introduced me to Literature world.
5. Ibu Suzana Maria as my supervisor in writing The Fading Shadow. I admire your patience your attractive and creative ideas in conveying me in writing
fiction. Thank you for your time in guiding me.
6. Ester, as my boarding-house friend. Thank you for your kindness to lend me
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7. Peder B. Helland. Thank you for composed instrument music, which helped
me a lot in concentration while writing my story.
8. Halidon Music channel. Thank you for uploaded classic music instruments of
Mozart, Haydn, Handel, Strauss, and so on in your “Youtube” channel. It
helped me in regaining my creativity.
Salatiga, 9th January 2017
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Table of Contents
Title Page ……….... i
Pernyataan Tidak Plagiat ………... ii
Pernyataan Persetujuan Akses
………
. iii
Approval Page ………. iv
Copyright Statement ………...
v
Dedication and Acknowledgment
………. v
i
Table of Contents ………
.. viii
Logbook ………
.. ix
Reflective Paper
………
. xiv
ix
LOGBOOK
Name : Triyuli
Student Number : 392012010
Project Title : The Fading Shadow
Date Activities Progress Problems Advisor Suggestion Advisor’s
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to in service for more than two
xii
09/16
10/24
/16
11/21
/16
11/23
Watch some drama
with women as the
main character
Giving the draft to the
advisor
First meeting
Write the novella
Some storyline in
drama give me some
ideas and I write ¾ of
novella
I edited the flashback
Struggle to develop the story
Reduce/omit some
unimportant scene/dialog in
the flashback story. Put
several flashback stories in
present time in order the
readers do not lose your story
xiv
/16 the novella
Bibliography
Dare, Tessa. 2012. Once dance with a Duke. Jakarta: GagasMedia.
Doraemon. 2014. Retrieved July 2016 from http://filmbagus21.com
Stoltz, Adrienne and Ron Bass. 2013. Lucid. Jakarta: Mizan Fantasi
xv
REFLECTIVE PAPER OF
THE FADING SHADOW
Prepared by:
TRIYULI
NIM: 392012010
ENGLISH LANGUAGE AND LITERATURE DEPARTMENT
FACULTY OF LANGUAGE AND LITERATURE
UNIVERSITAS KRISTEN SATYA WACANA
SALATIGA
xvi
REFLECTIVE PAPER
Triyuli
Satya Wacana Christian University
The equity of women and men has already accepted by many parties and has been applied in the communities since the feminist activists fought for the sake of women. However, there are some public point of views that makes a wide gap in this equity, especially about marriage and work. There is a small number of female employees in big companies and most of them sit in low positions. Actually, in many cases, there are women who have the responsibilities as the backbones of the families who are in charge of working to fill the needs of the whole families. It is probably difficult for women to find jobs because many companies reject female workers due to psychical conditions. Therefore, it is very rare for parents approve their daughters to work and prefer their daughters to marry with an assumption that the husband would support them. From these anxieties, I got the idea to raise this issue into a story. This case can be found easily in real life which has been experienced by my sister's friend from which I got inspiration to write this project. Based on the informal interview, I learned her parents forced her to marry because of their relatives, demand.
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position, some people will underestimate her. However, these women managed to prove that they capable of doing them.
It is very difficult to finish this project. I had been through many unexpected obstacles during the process either in terms of facilities, physical condition, limitations in developing story ideas and lack of understanding about the theme and hard to concentrate. Therefore, I have to spend a lot of time and budgetary fund. In order to solve all these limitations, I tried to read more books, ask for others’ opinions and help, looked more data on the internet and find a quiet place to write while listening to music classic in order to trigger my creativity and concentration. The most difficult case is I need to focus the story line to the gist of the story’s theme that has been planned and to do that, I need the creativity and knowledge in writing.
xviii
Bibliography
Adnan bin Dhaifullah Alu asy-Syawabikah. 2008. Wanita Karir, Profesi Wanita di Ruang Publik yang Boleh dan yang Dilarang dalam Fiqih Islam”. Retrieved December 9, 2016 from https://muslimah.or.id
0
Triyuli
–
392012010
THE FADING
1 April 14, 2015 2:00 PM — Pemuda Bus Stop
Blue sky swept by gray clouds covering the afternoon sky. Few times a ray of sunlight was trying to peek from between the clouds but did not reduce at all the blowing cold air which was making people outside the house shiver, except me. I could not feel anything on my white skin. And with my own eyes, I saw the walkers in front of me kept hugging their body and docking their thick jackets as if it was not sufficient to warm them up from the early rainy season air at the end of this month. I lost my emotion and feeling sense toward people around me. I did not know since when I lost it. I was not feeling sensitive to the feelings of others even my own feelings. With a flat stare, I tried many times to feel the cold that the others feel. But I failed. Even though I let the jacket zipper open. Perhaps it would be more effective if I took off it but I threw that lunatic idea from my mind because if I did it, I could make sure people around would really realize that I was weird or crazy.
The black clouds coiled and grew thicker and thicker. The wind blew hard. Walkers began to back away to the road shoulder to take shelter in the shop and bus stop where I stand up dazed looked at the dark sky. It began full by people.
“Excuse me”
Suddenly a man forced himself into the crowd and urged others at the bus stop. A few people mumbled a protest to the man who carelessly broke into the crowd and made us harder to move in this narrow space. Sometimes my body pushed by someone but I just kept silence and got busy with my empty mind, ignoring the noise which was like the buzz of a mosquito to me. Absolutely it did not disturb me.
“Excuse me…. Sorry….” The man dismissively barged into the middle crowd
so few people were pushed out and eventually forced to move to another place. The murmurings stopped when raindrops were falling to humidify the earth. The air was getting colder and making people snuggled to others so the room space became narrower.
2
Quite. Nobody answered the question. The question was forgotten like a breeze on the sidelines of the sound of rain. Suddenly a hand blocked my view. It shook in front of my face. I turned my sight quickly towards the impolite owner of that hand and tried to put a curt face, though I was sure my face showed a strange reaction, flat with the right eyebrow raised. For a few seconds, none of us started to talk. The man was silent waiting for my other reactions. His body is quite high approximately 15cm from my height with tan skin. The difference height and distance we were pretty close making him need to bow his head a bit to look at me. This angle made my eyes could see his face quite close. If I rated from one to ten, I thought his face got seven. His face was quite handsome with thick eyebrows and a little high cheekbone and firm.
Fiuh. The man suddenly exhaled. I blinked once. Silence. We still looked at each other. For others, it would be a strange scene. But to me, it did not mean anything. Fiuh. The man sighed again. I grew impatient and a bit annoyed with his attitude. Why did not he just talk? Yes, at least he explained to me the reason why did he do something like that, by blocking my view with his hand? We did not know each other.
“You..” He finally spoke but then closed his mouth. He might think about something. Perhaps he was looking for the right words to talk to weird people like me.
“Don’t you feel cold?” He said formally. Not strange. Almost everyone who talks to me always uses formal language. Does my face look old so people should talk so polite and formal like that?
“No,” I replied reluctantly, returning my gaze toward the road.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
“That’s odd. People at this bus stop feel so but you don’t. Are you sick?”
“No.”
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“What?” I turned to him again. “What does he mean? Is this person just insulted me? Or Did I just mishear his words? His voice was a bit sketchy between the
sounds of rain.” knew me even after talking for thirty minutes while discussing something with me.
My colleagues at the hotel where I worked were as good examples. I felt they did not think of me as part of them because my attitude was very stiff while interacting. I would be considered by them if there was a field of research tasks. They would come to see me to just talk about the job. They would ask my opinion but it was only their niceties toward me but my answer was not included in the report files. It was because of I look antisocial. It was not strange for people if they got the task of research and must be paired with me always end up looking tired and their patience is running out. They felt like they had done all the reports by themselves and I did not really help them in charge. In fact, I've collected a lot of data for the research that we need. They just need to read the data I gave or if the data were inadequate they could go to the same place looking for further data. But they are too lazy to read it and require a verbal explanation from me. That's why I was the last person who used to get an offer from other colleagues for cooperation but sometimes no offer. I never feel betrayed because I enjoyed my loneliness time and my work performance becomes better and stands out when I work alone. Therefore, my boss always provides the individual tasks to me because he was very confident I could finish them well.
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I did not immediately reply him. I turned my gaze towards the road. Heavy rain was still pouring earth. “Damn! Why is rain falling so long this time?” The sound of rain usually able to calm me down when I felt confusion and fatigue heart to think the complexities I faced each time but now it even pisses me off. I want to go home and get some sleep. I missed my soft bed in a room and wanted to forget this entire calamity that happened in my life.
“Sorry .. I didn’t really mean to offend you.”
“Yes. I know.” I knew he was not accusing. His voice sounded sincere to say
it. His tone was low and smooth but firm. Unlike the tone of apology that delicate and hasty, but also a bit indicating that it is forced apology because he did not want his interlocutor getting angry but also felt that claim did not reduce the confidence of speakers that his offending words were wrong.
“Today’s weather is different like the rain in previous days. The warm morning that makes many people thought today will be a sunny day but unexpectedly darkening clouds in the afternoon. It was beyond prediction of people who don’t
notice the weather report today like me.” said the man quickly changed the
conversation subject. I thought he was not the type of person who uses his spare time to relax and do one thing to get bored, but he spent it doing useful things like socializing.
“Yes. Nothing in life is predictable. No one can guess what will happen today. They can only deal with it. But I always prepare myself to deal with whatever would happen. Since that day. The same day. The same date. The same morning. Almost everything looks the same. A day where prediction always fooling people who do not know anything in her life.” I said it quietly to myself. My memory was back on the worst day of my life.
“What do you mean?” He was surprised at the words that I just said. He didn’t look sure about what is he just heard or is it my thought that so weird?
5
date that occurred a few years ago. A sunny morning, I had no idea what would happen then. A shocking news and flip over my life. Perhaps the cycle of my life changed a much since the bad things that happen simultaneously with the happiest days for me ... Nothing in life is predictable.
06.45 AM —Dini’s House
Six years ago….
“Bye, Mom. We should leave now! I love you, Mom."
"Be careful on the way. Honey, don’t speed off! Keep our child safe.” Mommy smiled and waved her right hand.
“Yes, Your Grace1!” My father replied with a smile and then laugh. I smiled
happily seeing this warm scene of my dear parents.
Then our car began to move out of my house. I waved my left hand to say goodbye to Mom who still had not entered into the house. I just shut the window when our car was already far out of the residential.
“Take the lunch box. Eat it. I don’t think my princess will be able to concentrate during the first lesson if her stomach is in hunger,” said Daddy suddenly between his concentrations in driving the car. I took the gray lunch box and the glass bottle of chocolate milk next to me.
"Wow! Thank you, Dad. Daddy is the best and the greatest father in the world!” I said, leaning forward and kissing the left cheek of my father. My father laughed.
“Hey! Don’t do it when Daddy is driving. You can get us into a car accident!”
Dimas, my brother, who was sitting beside my Daddy, pushed me up dropped back to the backseat.
1
6
“Hey! Don’t push me like that! You envy me because of Daddy being so dear
to me?” I infuriated him.
"Tch! I never envy you as Daddy and Mommy give me a lot of affection to me than you. Am I right, Dad? "
He just smiled and nodded answering Dimas’s question.
“If so why are you pushing me rudely if you don’t envy me? Could you be
more subtle and polite to me? I'm older than you. You aren’t allowed to treat people like that especially to older individuals.” I smacked his seat headrest with a hard knock.
Dimas pulled his headphone roughly and turned his head towards me with a hatred face.
“Hey! You make me dizzy! Don’t you see that I'm studying?” Dimas yelled at
me. I stuck my tongue out at him.
“Stop it, kids.. Don’t fight! Dini, you have to eat your breakfast quickly we will arrive at your school soon.” said Dad tried to break up our fights.
I obeyed Daddy’s command. I took a full bite of bread. I chewed it with pleasure while looking at the scenery outside through the car window. The highway was quite chock-full but was not jammed as usual. It was a fortune for me because it helped to arrive more quickly at the school before the gate closed. When the quarrel ended, Dad gave advice to Dimas.
“And Dimas ..” said my father went on in a serious tone, “Don’t scream like
that to your sister. Not only it isn’t a polite attitude to elders, but it is also the worst behavior of a man who treats a woman like that.” Dad advised him seriously.
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Dimas looked at me with a hatred sight. He wanted to deny my words but he remained silent along the way.
**
07.15 AM — Buana High School.
Thump thump… Thump thump… Thump thump…
Huft…Huft… Ba-dump.. Ba-dump..
“Just a little more!”
I stoked my legs to keep running. My breath was gasping and my heart was beating very fast. I pushed myself through the crowd that also seemed in a hurry. Twelve minutes later I arrived in front of the classroom door that still wide-opened and the noise of the children was still chatting and playing.
I ambled toward my desk. My classmate, Elis was busy reading a novel that I was sure she read romance story again. Mia, my best friend was working on physics questions. She always learned all the lessons before teacher taught them. Because she thought it could help her to understand the material easier when the teacher repeated what she has learned. It also made her always be the most outstanding student in school. Even she was one of the top ten highest marks scored students in Java. I felt lucky to have a friend like Mia because she always helped me to understand some of the subjects that I did not understand if it was not taught as much as possible. She was always being patient toward the slowness of my brain.
They were too busy in their own world and they did not notice a little bit to me, who was walking lamely toward them like a drunkard because of too exhausted. I stopped in front of my desk that between them and slammed my bag on the top.
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“DINI!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW?!” yelled Elis while she looking at
me angrily. Her face is look alike a witch who wanted to send me to hell.
“Dini, Don’t you see what am I doing now? Mrs. War will come to class soon
and there are still many questions that I have to do. Can’t you come quietly without disturbing others?” Mia said quietly.
I could not help being amused to see their reactions. I laughed silently because I was afraid they were really going to hit me. I tried to hold back myself so that I do not laugh out loud.
“Okay, my bad! I won’t do it if you two aren’t too busy every time I come.”
Mia and Elis ignored me back.
“SIGH! You guys are boring. I think we're not really friends over the years. You two are never being friendly and warm to me.”
Reluctantly, they rose from their chair and came to hug me.
“Good morning, Din. Please don’t be late again tomorrow.” Mia was the first
person, who hugged me.
“Yes, master. I think I need your help for that, Mi. I need you be my alarm. If
it is you, I wouldn’t be late getting up again.” Mia pinched my cheek exasperatingly.
“Morning, my naughty Dini… Tonight you have to go bed earlier so you don’t
come late and make a noise like before! Or I would be struck your head with my novel and throw your bag to the front-yard.” Elis glared at me but she tousled my hair annoyingly.
“Please, don’t do it, Elis. I beg you. You know how thick all book you have
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Elis shuddered in disgust look at my silly act. I just grinned excitedly look at my friend's reaction. Since our first meeting on the first day of high school, I had a premonition that both of them would be my best friend and true, it happened.
“Sit back to your own seat calmly now!”
I almost fell crashing my own chair when I heard a blaring sound as surprised. Fortunately, Elis quickly shored up my elbow to avoid my body fell to hit the chair. I turned toward the front of the class finding out who the owner of that noisy voice that made my bad luck list getting longer.
“Why are you still standing there, Dini Permata Haryanto? Sit down now!” Mrs. War glared at me sharply.
I stumbled back to sit on my desk when I knew the voice owner. I took a deep breath while Mrs. War is seeing me with her eagle eyes. Her face was a middle-aged woman, who looked very strict and scary with wrinkled skin with a thick red lipstick on the lips and Boboho2’s thick and round glasses perched low on her pointed nose and she was always carrying a carved cane in her right hand. Her style made her look like a witch than a teacher to me. I could see her cold aura coming to reach me.
“If you don’t want to sit now, go out of this class, Dini. Waiting for me
outside!” I could see horns on Mrs. War’s head every time I saw her in anger.
Everyone just watched me in silence. I chose to sit down immediately rather than being slaughtered! I cursed myself foolishly did not recognize that evil voice of Mrs. War.
I had to suffer for fifteen minutes under the supervising gaze of Mrs. War during the morning devotion. I kept my head down without the slightest courage looking to her face. The torture prison ended when Mrs. War went out the classroom. I got feeling that my bad luck was not ended just like that. It seemed my curse kept rolling toward me.
2
10 **
I was expelled from physics class. Mr. Haris, a very disciplined teacher kicked me out because I did not bring all the physics books.
For two hours I sat at cafeteria unexcitedly while eating meatballs. After the bell rang, Mia and Elis joined with me immediately.
“There is no bad things happened while you wait for us, right?” asked Mia while eating a gado-gado3.
“Well! Some teachers asked me why I was here while the lesson is just starting.”
“Why don’t you just pretend being sick and go to the infirmary?” asked Mia
curiously
“Hahahahaha .. Is it possible a hyperactive student like her would be getting sick? You're being silly, Mia.” Elis laughed as she looked at me and Mia.
“Sigh! I really got my bad day.”
“No need to act like that. You forgot about something! It all happened because
of your fault.”
“No, I don’t. It’s my real reality, Mi. Today is my bad day. It happened to me
starting from I came late and then I’ve kicked from our first class.”
“You make your own bad day. If you have prepared everything last night,
11 “Hello! What is it, Mom?”
I heard my mom sobbing and that made my curiosity grew bigger.
“Mommy? What is it? Is something wrong?” The tone of my voice suddenly trembled.
“Dad ... Your dad, Din…”
My Mommy's words made me shake violently. Suddenly the air around me turned cold. I tried to stay calm. Several times I cleared my throat so that my voice was hoarse.
“Please calm down, Mom. What's wrong with Dad?” I felt like a fool of myself. I asked my mother to calm down while I was dying to think positively so that my petrified body regained a positive aura.
“Your Dad was in a car accident on the highway, not far from your school.”
Her sobs were more audible in my ears.
“Is he badly hurt?”
“I don’t know. He was unconscious and they immediately took him to the nearest hospital...”
I immediately stood up and left Elis and Mia without saying a word. I walked quickly to the classroom to take my bag.
“What’s going on, Din? Is your father fine?” Mia just got to class immediately
stopped me at the door.
“Sorry, Mi. I have to find Dimas now. Do you know where the closest hospital
to our school is?”
“Harapan Center Hospital!” Elis emerged from behind Mia back.
12 11:25 AM — Harapan Center Hospital
Dream! It was definitely a dream!
I was alone in the waiting room. Mommy and Dimas were home taking care of things for Daddy. He passed away. I was supposed to help my mother instead Dimas, but I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to be alone. I also banned Mia and Elis who wanted to meet me after school. I decided to head home. Today was the hardest day for me as if the day drained my body like a zombie. Everything happened today like a dream to me even the statement of the doctor felt unreal.
"Mr. Bagus Haryanto is suffering from liver disfunction since last year and developing into cancer. This happens because he was too often directly in contact with many chemicals and x-rays that make the radiation effects on his body.” the words of doctor such as a documentary film that continued to spin in my mind.
I thought I would spend forever with my Dad, but he left me instantly.
The light outside of the hospital was darker. But my heart was even darker. The sunny morning turned into overcast noon. A ray of sunlight was trying to peek from between the clouds, but it did not reduce the cold air which was making people outside the house shiver, unless me. Nature showed her grief to me. A sunny day turned into gloomy as a melancholy heart such my feelings. I could not imagine what happened to me. Nothing in life is predictable.
May 8, 2015 22:45 PM — Dini's House
“Where have you been?Don’t you think it is late? ”
“I have a lot of work to do today immediately.”
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“I’m sorry. Ever since Dad died all I did was work. But it's for Mommy and
Dimas. As the oldest child, I have the responsibility of being the backbone of our family.”
“Your salary as a Controller is more enough to cover the needs of our family,
Din. The income of Mommy’s boutique also always steady and even increase every month.”
“I’ll be promoted super quickly at this rate. Mr. Agung promises me to give
assistant general manager position. I have to keep working hard so the image of my performance is not decreased.”
“Please forget all of that. Tomorrow you don’t need to go to work. Just for one
day.”
I looked at mother disconcertedly. I waited for a more detailed explanation from her.
“Mommy have arranged a meeting for you. I want you meet someone
tomorrow.” My mom's voice sounded very suspicious.
“Mom, I've repeatedly begged you to stop match me up with any stranger. I
could set up my own life, my love life even better that I don’t think need a partner in my life.”
“How can you have such thoughts? You are a woman. Everyone will be talking about you, including our relatives.” She replied with a high voice. Her eyes looked very frightened as was overshadowed by the enormous guilt.
“Yes, I’m a woman. I know it even since I was elementary. Is it wrong if a woman lives alone? As long as I could guarantee my own life fee, why should I need anyone else? After all, I still have Mommy and Dimas.”
"You can’t live alone, Dini. You need someone else than your family. You need the help of others in the future day because Mommy and Dimas can’t always be near you. "
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“It won’t happen. In the future, your brother also has his own family. Don’t tell Mommy that you have planned to ban your brother to get married?”
“If Dimas already plans to build his own family in the future and chose to leave us. I still have you, Mom, right?”
“I’m getting old, Din. I couldn’t stay by your side forever. When that happens,
what would you do?” She looked deeply into my eyes.
“I'm still going to live alone either with or without Mommy and Dimas by my side. Mommy doesn’t need to worry because I’m able to do everything by myself like now.” I said it with a steady stare straight into her eyes. But I was sure she insisted against my wishes and wanted to realize her own will. Without waiting for Mommy finished her debate, I walked away leaving the living room into my room before my defenses completely collapsed in front of my family.
**
08:00 AM — Cakra Hotel
“Good morning, Ms. Dini. These are files you asked for yesterday.”
“Thank you, Maya. And please give this file to the HRD Manager, Ms. Mia.”
Mia and I worked at the same company. Apparently, we are predestined to be together since childhood. Since graduating from high school, Mia and Elis moved out of the city to pursue their dreams. At the beginning of the new school class high school, Elis and I had planned to enter the same university, while Mia was entranced the university that recommended by our school because she got a scholarship. But since I could not leave my family, I had to postpone my desire and chose to stay. When we started working, we like to reunite. Mia was moved by the hotel where she worked to the main office hotel where I was working. Since then we became colleagues who were helping each other and sharing our advice.
Knock knock knock
“Come in!”
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“Good morning, Mr. Agung! Please sit down, Sir.” I was surprised to see him come to my office. “Are there any important issues to the General Manager came to see me this early?”
“Sorry to bother your work. I come to give you some good news. First, I’ve
enrolled you to be one of the Assistant General Manager candidates. The voting will take place next month.”
“Thank you for your trust and support to me, Mr. Agung. I’ll continue working hard to develop this hotel.”
“I’m the one who should be thankful and grateful that you are being part of this hotel because of your effort and idea this hotel is developing so much, Dini.”
“I’m only doing my duty as best as possible, Sir. I still have many things to learn from you.”
“Hahahaha .. This is what I like from you, Dini. I like your humble and willing-to-learn personality. I’m glad that I didn’t make a mistake in the decision to directly accept you as my subordinate. Since I saw you in our job interview, I saw that you’re going to shine in the future, and it is realized now!” Mr. Agung constantly complimented me. I just responded with a smile, nod, and said thank you.
“Oh.. I have other good news. Some employees started their new day today.
One of them will work with you. Have you met him?”
“Yes. I've heard about the recruitment of new employees, Sir. But I do not know that we've got them and I have not seen him today.”
“Actually we don't recruit him from the job interview. He was transferred from one of our hotel branches outside the city. So he has enough experience about this work. Maybe you'll meet him soon.” I did not give any comment but nodding after listening to his explanation.
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“Have a nice day, Sir!” I said before Mr. Agung shut the door. I could not hide my happiness feeling for a longer time after hearing the encouraging news of my candidacy become Assistant of Mr. Agung.
I returned to continue my work. Suddenly I remembered the words of Mr. Agung about the new employee. It was strange! Why did Mr. Agung suddenly find a new employee to help me? Anyways, I’ve got my promotion already. I could not obtain the exact answer for my curiosity question that suspicious.
Because I was too busy with my thoughts, I did not pay attention around. I did not even realize someone came into my office. When a man's hand was waving up in front of me and called me, then my consciousness reverted to the real world.
“Yes, what can I help you?” I was surprised to see a stranger in my office. I did not know this guy. What does he want to see me?
“Good morning! I'm sorry I startled you, Ma’am. I came here to say hello to
my new colleague.” The man smiled happily.
“Aren’t you taught how to behave properly when you entry someone’s room at
your previous job?”
“I'm so sorry. I don’t mean to enter without permission from you, Ma’am. But I've knocked on the door many times but there was no answer. I guess you’re not in. I just wanted to leave this file on your desk.” He handed me an envelope file.
“So you are the new employee who will work with me.” I opened the envelope which was the data file of that man, who was standing in front of me. “Surya Teguh Hutama has experienced for two years as an assistant HRD manager and one year of experience as a marketing and sales director. You turned out to have enough experience in many fields.” I kept reading the resume of the man, who was sitting in front of me.
“Why are you still here? Aren’t you starting to work today? Please go to your
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“You could call me, Ms. Dini.” I was surprised why I was even thinking of
how Surya’s way calling my name but he continued to obey my words. “Yes, Mrs ...
Ms. Dini.”
I felt strange with this changed. For two years I used to occupy this room by myself, but now suddenly I had to share this office with a stranger. I could feel myself being watched in this desolate space. There was no small talk unless the business conversation after it was only the sound of typing, wall clock, and sheets were turned upside down and the ringing phone. The day passed quickly away.
Mia came to see me in the office. She asked me to go home together. I did not realize that it was the time for all employees had to go home, but I still had a lot of jobs that should be completed as soon as possible. I apologized to her. I felt sorry I never had much time to just hang out with Mia as we were used to unless sometimes we had lunch together at the office canteen.
I just finished doing the work while the clock was already at ten o'clock at night. I came home very late. Although it was late at night, every time I arrived home after work, I always found Mommy in the living room. She looked so furious when she saw me.
“Why don’t you ever listen to Mommy, Dini?” She said when I've just opened the front door.
"I always listen to you, Mom, except one thing that involved my private life… I've repeatedly told Mommy that this is my own life. I don’t want Mommy to interfere with my private life. "
“You don’t understand, Din. I want the best for you.”
“Mom, this is my life. I know what's best for me.”
“Din, I had been through a period of being a woman in your age, so I know what you need. You need a partner who can support you. You don’t need to work
18
“But Mommy and I are in different circumstances. Time has changed.
Nowadays we have to strive ourselves to survive. We can’t rely on anyone else. We should be independent. I want to be independent and I don’t want to be burdened with other things.” my voice rose while saying it. I could not help feeling annoyed at Mommy who never understood my feelings and opinions.
“Dini, you know how I feel so guilty because Mom and Dad overly set you free to do whatever you want to do. You’re too independent, Dini. Mommy couldn’t agree to your decision. You must remember your nature as a woman.” Mommy looked at me sadly.
“I’m really sorry, Mom. I don’t want to take the wrong lane and sacrifice my
hard efforts over the years, Mom. I want to be a success and enjoy the result of my own sweat. I don’t want to be limited and become the burden for people who became my partner later. It will be painful for him.”
“A woman must build and take care of a family instead of working desperately looking for money. Therefore, God gave a uterus in women but not men because we are assigned and serves to generate family, Dini.”
“Time has changed, Mom. Women can do what men do freely, and vice versa. I have chosen my own way.” She just looked at me, did not know what to say in front of her own daughter who never obeyed the command. I left Mommy after expressing all of that. Since that night, Mommy never talked about matchmaking. She did not wait for me again in the living room after I returned from the work. I felt guilty because I knew my words on that day were hurting her. But I'm also excited at the same time with this calmness. When I showered, I tried to throw Mommy’s words out of my mind. At another side of my depth heart, I agreed on her words about my independent habit of doing what I wanted to do by myself. It made me difficult to accept others’ opinions and help. I have high self-esteem if someone could do anything, so do I.
19
unpredictable. A tourism company where Elis worked was cooperating with our most recent project for hotel expansion.
We did not want to waste our time, I informed Mia and we spent lunch time together to share stories about our past and new life. Our new lives are now quite contrary to our high school life.
Elis told us about her happy life now because she has a partner who always there to give her support. In fact, they going to get married at the end of the year and invited me and Mia. Mia highly craved Elis's life because she has someone to share and lean on than her family. She hoped that soon found someone who could be trusted to share the fun and difficulty together. But I did not feel the same way because there were other people who share their problem lives with me it was possible I also people, especially a person who is very dear to us, at least it can reduce a little lump of our burden.”
“I'm comfortable with myself, Lis. I’ve my own way to mitigate the stress that I could do my hobbies such as reading or going to watch a movie. That way, I can relieve stress and find solutions to my own problems.”
20
“Out of sight, out of mind, I don’t think it’ll work on me even if I really meet someone who can understand me, Lis. Even my own family did not understand me. My own Mommy always imposes her will to marry me with men I didn’t know.”
“How do you know? You haven’t to try it, Din. Mommy Sophie never gives
anything bad on you. You are too afraid of other people to make decisions that you usually decide by yourself. You rely too much on yourself and never could trust anyone else who wants to help you.” Elis and Mia always called my mom, Mommy Sophie.
“I'm not like the mostly women, Lis. I didn’t face problems and solve them
with my feelings and become emotionally. Yet, I can solve with a cool head and use my logical thoughts. I've often through all my own problems so I really know what I
should do. I can solve all alone. You don’t need to worry too much about me. I’m
strong as steel.”
“You’re so defensive. I worry about people thought about you. Your comfort in yourself and rely on your independent makes you behave too cold in others. They may think you have deviated from the normal limit of a woman. In fact, you refuse
the request of Mommy Sophie.” My jokes were not able to reduce her hot-tempered.
“I have a condition. I hold responsibility as the backbone of the family since
my Daddy left his family. I can’t underestimate that fact and play with myself. I have
to think of the future and work hard to support and fulfill my family’s needs. I think I'm doing the right things now. Even though it was tough for me at the first time, but I
always get through it all. That why I can’t accept the other person to change it and
asked me to depend on him.”
“I beg you to cease your debate. I think our talk has crossed the line that should be.” Mia who was silent while noticed us since the beginning of our conversation, trying to prevent me and Elis quarrel because the nostalgic atmosphere that was quiet and pleasant turn into tense.
“Although we just meet now after a long time no contact, I’m still Dini, the
21
realistic and open-minded person on the thought than another woman. I can do anything alone. I want to change people's views all this time that a woman could not do the hard jobs and has a career.”
“Hopefully, Mommy Sophie can be patient accept your decision, even though somewhat impossible. I know it’ll difficult and may require a very long time for you but I hope you will find someone who can understand you soon. No one can stop you when you’re extremely stubborn.” Elis's words indicated she accepted my thoughts but her eyes could not fool me that she was strongly opposed my will like Mommy’s response to me a month ago.
“Thank you for your commiseration. I hope Mom have the same thought as you said. I should go back to work now. Nice to see you again, Elis. I hope we can meet again at a time in the future. I will try to come to your wedding later.”
“Thank you! I really appreciate it. But if you're too busy with work, I give you permission to not force yourself to come. Thank you for your time and I’m glad to see
you again.” her words sounded sarcastic in my ear. But I tried not to think badly.
“Mi, I want to remind you about the employees’ document which I have asked five days ago. You don't need in hurry. You can accompany Elis if you're not too busy. You can give it to me tomorrow if it’s possible. I'm sorry if I have to leave you two.”
“I'm sorry, too cause I couldn’t immediately give it to you through Surya yesterday because there are some things that need to be completed.” I nodded and left the cafeteria.
I felt sorry having to leave Elis just like that after the debate that made the tension between us. Moreover, Elis also gave me farewell words that implied sarcasm. If I lingered staying and keeping to debate maintain my opinion or be pretending to accept her opinion, it would create greater problems in our relationship like a snowball. Finally, we met again after a long time, but our friendship that we maintain for nearly seven years was on the tip of the abyss because of disagreements.
22 June 24, 2015 10:00 AM —Dini’s House
One and a half month has passed but the relationship of me and Mommy still strained. Mommy and I were almost never speaking. She was only calling me for a meal or when we’re not accidentally met in the living room and we only talked about our work and its progress, after that there was only silence between us until one of us felt uncomfortable by the awkward atmosphere and decided to go back into our own bedroom. I felt like staying in a stranger's home. This situation made me hiding in my room, doing my job even though I was off work.
Any issues that I was dealing with, I always warned me to always be professional. I do not allow myself or people who work with me mix up the affairs of work with personal problems.
My professional attitude made people who work with me always felt depressed. Mia always reminded me in order not to be too pressuring them in working because it made them regarded me as a person who does not have a heart. Nevertheless, I could not move my men not to follow the way I work because their performances greatly affected the consequence of my work. Any results of my work were a fixed price in the eyes of Mr. Agung and other superiors in judging my work capability. I have to give the best results that I can be.
As the only woman who held an important position for Cakra hotel. I always supervised by the executive heads. If my performance was not like their expectation, they would look at me with inferior mirage because they considered that women are inappropriate to hold high office position because of limited physical ability and regulate emotions. That was why I've always been hard to my inferior as a responsible leader. I could not let my hard work was broken because of the slightest mistake.
In the middle of the concentration, suddenly Dimas barged in my room. I wanted to scold him for coming in without permission, but I saw the panic on his face, I was trying to help myself.
23
“I'm sorry because I barged in immodestly, Kak4. But we've got to go now!”
Dimas pulled me out from the work desk forcibly.
“Stop! You need to explain what’s happened in advance to me, Di.” I commanded Dimas to stop pulling me.
“Mommy passed out in the boutique. Now Nana and other employees bring
Mommy to Harapan Center Hospital. We have to hurry to go see Mommy’s conditions.” said Dimas when I packed my wallet, cell phone, and car keys into a small sling bag. Without holding out more time, we rushed to the hospital. Like a De Javu, I was scared to death if this time was a bad thing happened again.
June 27, 2015 10:00 AM — Cakra Hotel
My body was stiff. For three days, I spent my day off at the hospital to guard Mommy. Dimas and I were sharing guard duty so we could rest. Nonetheless, I spent the time for me to rest, to complete my work that had delayed. As a result, I was lack of sleep. Now I have to do my routine in the back office. Mia, who had heard about Mommy, advised me to take time off work which I had never used. However I always wanted to be a professional on the job, so I declined her offer to ask my leave letter to Mr. Agung.
I tried to focus my mind on the employees’ files in front of me. I needed to analyze them which would then be used to predict the next month project in accordance with the current staff or not. Once the document was complete then I gave the depiction data of deals to the marketing and sales director, who in charge of making cooperation deals with the agency and other companies. In order to do that, I need a concentration but the worry was always approached my mind. I fear that Dimas needed me but he could not tell me because he was worried it would disturb me who was always busy with work. The doctor’s said three days ago was also one factor that too distracting me.
“Mrs. Sophie Haryanto Wijaya is experiencing stress that causes a heart
attack. This case is common in the elderly. But it could give a fatal impact if no
4
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further action. She should avoid anything that could spark her stress because it can lead to unexpected heart attack. For what happened today does not have a serious
impact. The next attack may have serious repercussions.”
Those words haunted my mind since I heard it. There was a bit of guilt in me. I realized one of the causes Mommy got sick because of my rude attitude to her lately. Mommy would still be thinking about the incident between us that night when I asked her to stop interfering in my life. As a mother who took care of me for nine months in her womb until I was twenty-four years, the refusal certainly made her feeling hurt. Moreover, since Daddy left us, Mommy always held her grief alone and being strong in front of me and Dimas. My behavior was not much different from Mommy because I knew well how much distress Mommy up to make her sick and lay helpless in the hospital.
I tried to get rid my worries but the fact did not go according to my wishes. I could not really focus myself fully on the job. Surya repeatedly caught me daydreaming while reading the report and he had always woke me back to concentrate. Even only a few months he worked under my command, but Surya always understood my condition. He knew that I hated others involved interfering in my private matters. Therefore he never tried to ask me why lately I could not concentrate at work.
“Surya, I want you to print the Jaya Tour document. I've already sent the data to your email and please give it to the Marketing and Sales Director.”
With the help of Surya, I successfully completed several reports on time. However without me knowing the results were not as good as I expected because it became threatening for my work itself. The report I made, did not match then provoked the hotel deals proposal we attached for the tender, did not manage to attract their interest. As a result, our hotel lost in the tender and could not get cooperation with Jaya Tour. When Mr. Agung found I did not do my work properly, he came to me to give me a warning firmly.
“Dini, what's wrong with you? It's not like your work normally.”
25
“But you don’t usually like this. Dini I know you're always working nicely even when you're in the problem. You can always give a professional performance in the line of duty. This time you lost your interest in work. Why?”
“I’m very sorry, Sir. This time I could not control myself. "
“Then if this still happened in future I couldn’t continue my efforts to take you as my assistant because the other party will oppose me after knowing this.” Mr. Agung warned.
“I promise to concentrate more on my works, Sir. I will perform my duties as
before. I won’t do the same mistake.”
“I hold your promise. If you don’t successfully restore your work’s way like before you usually did. I'm really forced to cancel your promotion and replace it with another candidate.”
“Well, Mr. Agung. I won’t disappoint you again.”
“Think carefully about my offer. I want you to take my words as your last
chance to show our executive officials that you deserve this job.” Mr. Agung left my
office after he said the command as an alert. I thought again what Mr. Agung have said to me in silence. Surya stared at me with a curious look while he came back after lunch.
After work, I went straight to the hospital. I decided to tell Dimas to take care Mommy. I also asked Mia looking for nurses, who would help Dimas alternately oversaw Mommy while he went to study. Moreover, he was facing final exams and assignments from campus.
“Please forgive me, Mom, because I couldn’t take care of you. If I force myself to be here all the time, I could lose my job and I can’t let that happen. I should be trying harder so that Mommy can be treated with the best service. I hope Mommy understand my choice. I’ll still go to visit Mommy after work.” I said as I rubbed
26
“I’ve asked Mia for help to find nurses who can oversee Mommy. After you have completed your college duties, you can accompany them to take care Mommy. I’ll visit Mommy after work.”
“Why you do not leave a moment like Kak Mia said? Do you believe on those
nurses easily can care Mommy well? "
“I believe KakMia will give nurses from a trusted manager, Di. I also couldn’t
ask for leave suddenly because soon I will receive a new position in a higher position than this one. So please you understand my decision.” Dimas looked angry and disappointed listen to my explanation. But he could not refuse what I have decided. The next day, Mia gave me the good news that nurses, who I asked for, would start work this morning.
“Why don’t you just take your vacation time, Din? I know you haven’t used it. So if you take a long leave, our company will give you acquiescence.”
“I don’t want to take a big risk, Mi. Mr. Agung appointed me as a candidate of
his assistant. If I take time off now, my work will be taken over by Surya and Mr. Agung can’t evaluate my work in the near future time. Moreover, I made a fatal mistake in evaluating the tender documents which caused us to lose our partnership.”
“So you chose to fight for your job rather than take care of your own mother, Din. Why did you become a workaholic like this? Dini I know always put her family first above everything.”
“Previously, I had no sense of responsibility, as now, Mi. I should be able to
put myself to survive. In these days working without any effort will not bring you any good result, which could give us a guarantee for the future.”
When I was kid, Daddy always educated me for trying hard to get what I want. Daddy once gave me a message that I always remember when I was in grade two and Dimas was still in kindergarten. I really closed to him than Mommy.
27
learning to struggle to get your wish. By that way, your brother will follow your tracks and can be very useful in the future. You must be a strong girl. When your
brother’s crying, you're not allowed to cry. But you should be able to calm him.
Daddy, do not know your plans for the future. You're smart and ha rd-working, so you'll do well and can become successful. There are passionate feelings that time and
reason can’t help. Your efforts are about to change the future. I hope you won’t give up reaching your wish no matter what. Do you understand?”
I planted that message in my mind and remembered it when I started to give up. My closeness with Daddy made me want to be like him. Kind, firm, knowledgeable and like the challenge things. Mommy always wanted to make me be a sweet and polite girl. But she could never control me who was already grown with
Daddy’s education. My behavior is contrary to Dimas who always obeyed Mommy.
"I suggest you rethink your decision before it's too late, Din."
"My decision was made, Mi. I've thought about this many times. So maybe I’ll never change my mind.”
“Now I understand why Elis said you have changed, Din. This time I agree
with Elis suggestion that you have to start to get close to someone who can help you at a time like this. You are forcing yourself for do everything by yourself. You must remember that you are human and not a machine, Din. There is no harm you to lean on even rely on others to ease your burden.”
“Why all of a sudden you're talking about Elis’s opinion? Don’t be absurd. I can still deal with all of this alone, Mi. I’ve got the solution so you can stop wasting your time just for worrying about me. As if you don’t believe me anymore.” said I curtly responded to the words of Mia because I tired of hearing the same comments.
“Alright! If you think so, I’m sorry. I'm sorry for being too intrusive your
problem. From today I won’t do it again and bother you. If you need advice, you can
28
“Why are they all opposing what I want to do? Why I always wrong in their
eyes. Why can’t I follow my own will? This is my life, but why do they always want
to interfere inside.”
I wondered why all people closest to me were so sensitive while arguing with me. I was like to make my own enemies. I tried to think positive that Mia was just being a little sensitive. I just need took a moment to let her calm down until the situation returned to normal mood.
July 17, 2015 11.00 AM
The days passed quickly. However, my relationship and Mia did not get better. I have tried to communicate with her as usual but she answered me as needed. I could not understand what was wrong with her because I never said bad things that might hurt her. I could only attempt to continually approach her and requested an explanation.
As time flew away, I was able to focus on the job. Mommy has been allowed to leave the hospital two weeks ago. The doctor reminded me to keep Mommy’s conditions and not to make her stressful. Therefore, I was trying to avoid arguing with Mommy. Even I avoided the house so I would not meeting her too often. Another reason is I was busy preparing for my promotion which just a week away. I spent time in the office working late and had just returned when the night is already very late. While I was avoiding Mommy, I always reminded Dimas to supervise Mommy’s condition and the performance of nurses.
The preparation for facing the promotion’s day was running smoothly. I tried
to finish all work well to build Mr. Agung’s empathy to me. Surya even helped me a
29
river. I thought positively that we would make up back to normal mood someday I did not know when that day would come.
“You’re certainly the best employee I ever owned in Cakra Hotel. You’re the one employee I trust to finish the job properly. I did not wrong to nominate you to be my assistant because I believe that with your help, Cakra Hotel will continue to be stable and even grow up much than now.” Mr.Agung complimented me.
“It’s all because you always help me, Mr. Agung.” I answered humbly.
“Out of the millions of possibilities that happen, you grabbed the opportunity. Your own efforts have opened a fortune for you to reach it.” Mr. Agung words reminded me of Daddy’s advice.
My big day arrived. The happiest day for me, as well as the worst day I never wanted to remember for the rest of my life. When I was talking in podium to give a speech, I got news that Mommy has passed away. The news was like a doomsday that happened precisely in front of my eyes. I collapsed while sobbed in front of many people. Mia, who was avoiding me about a month, abruptly came up toward me and hugged me tightly.
The event backed to normal after Mia and Surya took me out of the meeting room. My body suddenly lost energy to walk alone. My mind could not think normally as usual.
“What did I do so wrong? Why Mommy leave me? Does she really hate me, Mi?”
“You didn’t do any wrong, Din. You just fight for your right and maintain what you have. Mommy Sophie realizes it and she lets you to reach your willing by this way. She doesn’t hate you. She really loves you.”
“Mommy won’t leave me so fast if I follow her wishes that are contrary to my
30 “Do you regret your decision?”
“I… I’m sad because I can make Mom happy like what I want. Everything I have now is useless if my family is gone. I don’t know what I’ve to do with my life now.”
“You still have Dimas. He needs you and so you. I’m sure you’ll get through it together because I’ll be with you if you need me.”
“I’ll keep what I have now, Mi. I need you by my side now.” I hugged Mia
Some people live for the fortune Some people live just for the fame Some people live for the power
Some people live just to play the game Some people think that the physical things Define what's within
And I've been there before But that life's a bore So full of the superficial Some people want it all But I don't want nothing at all If it ain't you, baby
And that's the only way to prove you love them Hand me the world on a silver platter
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With no one to share
With no one who truly cares for me Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all If it ain't you, baby But I don't want nothing at all If it ain't you, baby
32
grief. I felt guilty at Mommy. I regretted that I did not have much free time with Mommy and convey my apology before she left and fix our relationship. Therefore, I always came to the building rooftop garden while staring to the sky and say sorry to Mommy hopefully she heard it. I was surprised when Surya suddenly sat beside me.
"Why do you always spying on me?"
“I'm not spying on you. I just watch you from doing crazy things like trying to
commit suicide.”
“I'm not a narrow-minded person. I won’t do it because I still have a brother
who need me. I’m strong as steel.”
“Good! I’m glad that you can think clearly.” Surya gave me a sincere smile.
“Why do you want to be friend with me when other employees avoid me
because they are afraid of my temper?”
“Because I like you…” said Surya suddenly and got me speechless.
“It's not all of a sudden. I love talking to you since we met. It makes me happy. That's why I want to stay close to you.”
“From our first meeting, I’m so hard and always give you pressure. How can you assume me as a nice friend who is fun to talk with? As I remember that I never treat you well.”
“It looks like you really forget that we have met before I work here.”
“We have met before. When? Where? Why did you just tell me now?” I really do not understand what Surya said.
“We met at the bus stop in Pemuda Street while we’re waiting for the rain to
stop. At that time you’re really mean to me but you are also very open to me when the
33 “You’re really a stalker.”
“I'm not following you. I was surprised when I found out that my new boss is a grumpy girl I met at the bus stop. I confused what should I do in front of you if you also recognized me. In fact, you won’t remember me if I did not tell you. I was heartbroken.”
“I never remember the people I have met only once. Moreover, it was only a glimpse.”
“I think I left an impression that is enough to make you remember me.” Surya looks disappointed listening to my confession. “Anyway, let's try to get closer to each other.”
“I don’t think I can do it now. I want to take my time with something useful for myself.”
“Then think about seeing a man named Surya Teguh Hutama. I like you since
you were scolding me about our work. You were shining. You looked wise, smart, beautiful, and strong that I forgot you were going through a lot. I gave you the best compliment in a while.”
“Thank you. It’s the best compliment I’ve heard in a while. However, I’m not interested in seeing someone yet.”
“Please think about it once more time. Ok?”
“My head is about to burst from everything.”
“Just say that you’ll think about it.”
“If I tell you that you’ll wait for the answer.”
“So if you have time on your hands, think about it. I won’t give up.” I did not want to answer him.
34
“Stop it! You’re making me uncomfortable.” I felt embarrassing but he looked happy because he has managed to make me angry.
“Anyway, if anything comes up, call me. You know, right? From now on, think about what makes you happy. Don’t blame yourself. You’ve spent much effort to do well. ”
“Thank you. I’ll be happy now. I'm going through what I have chosen and maintain what I have achieved. I can’t continue my life in regret forever and blaming myself. Time does not stop and keep going forward. I could not repeat the time to change my mind.”
“I’ll support whatever your decision now and I will help you if you need me. Dimas, Mia and me will certainly here to support you.” Surya looked at me deeply.
“Thank you. I count on you.” I appreciated Surya’s support to me but in my heart, I was determined and I reminded myself to do my job for the sake of my happiness itself and there is no reason for me to spend my life under the shadow of other people's opinions and desires. Now, I'm not afraid of the others who will doubt my ability because I'm a woman and I’m weak but I had managed to reach the peak of my dreams. I have reached the top. There are no longer shadows that would preclude me. I would stand in my own shadow.”
**
Give me a reason
35 it’s just so painful to let go
my sad heart yearns to be with you
but my head says to let go The pill to take to stop being blue
would be to spend the rest of my days with you
since you can’t choose me even if you want to
I'll set you free I love you more than life itself
but I've got to find myself goodbye love
please set me free
