Abstrusion Candice james

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1

Abstrusion

Written by

Candice James

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2 TABLE OF CONTENTS

4. Gleaming

11. Sweet Hungry Fever 12. The Deep

13. The Key 14. The Pledge

15. Beyond The Shadow 16. The Truth Is

17. While You Lay Sleeping 18. Whisper My Name 19. Your Court

20. Whenever I Hear Your Voice 21. And Still We Plunge Deeper 22. Hate/Love

23. The Awakening 24. Branding Irons 24. The Edge

35. Spectacular Nights

36. There Used To Be Lightning 37. Unchained

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3 39. When You Smile

40. Before You Looked Away 41. Lost

42. Crab Cakes & Jazz 42. Starlight Skating Rink 43. Even Brighter

57. Always Searching

58. At That Crucial Moment 59. Broken Too Long To Be Fixed 67. Sleeping Awake

68. That Moment In Time 69. The Remaining

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4

GLEAMIING

It’s wet and gleaming with a deep intrinsic beauty And it’s not even raining.

It’s you reigning over an ocean of emotion, Water streaked with kisses

That dance like diamonds on the surface of this dream

We’ve fashioned with our passion.

Your face is the mirror I shine in. I was lackluster and unpolished. Then you plucked me from the dust Of some long forgotten wish

And made me come true.

You made wishes become horses And now I ride the winds of change Into the eye of this needle.

It’s gleaming so bright I’m blinded by its light

But sight is no longer required.

All that’s required is you.

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EVENTUALITY

I’ll always acquiesce to your wishes

On all levels On all fronts

Because my happiness Is contingent on yours.

I would that I could Reach into my being

And pull out the essence of my spirit And shape it into a beautiful pulsating star That would light all your pathways with love From here to eternity.

I reach for you and in doing so Reach for myself

Reach for heaven Reach for eternity

And cast my wish into the universe That I may spend every second Seeing only your eyes

Seeing me.

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6

SHORELINE

I have abolished all shallow water

And left yesterday’s sea as a distant shadow Bereft of all vessels

Save the love I sail on, Destination your heart.

The breeze and I renew acquaintances And bond even deeper

For this final quest of quests. The wind knows you well.

She whispers your name incessantly

As I breathe in its echo with quiet desperation.

Morning has broken

And I see you looming large On the horizon of my dream. Adrift, thirsting and burned By the elements of life,

I stretch to grasp your bright looming shadow, That I may lay in the coveted cool of it

And be whetted by your love As it splashes me into reality.

You are the shoreline

I’ve been waiting to reach

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7

NAKED AND NEEDING

Into the fire,

Naked and needing, I jump heartlong

Onto the licking tongue of the flame you create.

It quenches the thirst, Satisfies the hunger

That has run rampant within me

All those centuries I spent before you came to me.

Sliding down the blade of your knife At last I feel the true cut of love Taking me higher,

Making me fire.

To bathe in this fire you’ve created,

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8

WRITTEN AND ENGRAVED

Yes, without a shadow of a doubt,

You’re my soul inspiration, my Muse.

It’s just after 10 PM and I had to call you Just to hear you voice,

As tender as slippery silk on the skin of my soul. As precious as golden pebbles

Skipping through the cool blue lakes in my mind Causing the currents of love to suddenly surface In a whirlpool of passion.

There have been other moments in my life But none as monumental or indelible As these moments of you.

You cannot split the second I don’t think of you. You’re constantly with me.

Written and engraved on my soul.

YOUR ABSENCE

Your Absence

Never gives way to relief.

When you’re gone

It’s a pause between centuries.

Everything ceases to please

Your absence

If it ever became permanent Is something

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SANCTIFIED

We lay on a sanctified carpet of love Blessed by each caress we exchange. Hot rain mixed with cool blue sunshine.

Wise men and angels

Could never feel or even be privy to

The depth of emotion you’ve aroused in me.

Red neon icing melting in my mouth.

I thank you for this thrill. This escalation of spirit, This total loss of self

Inconceivable to most souls.

You

Surpass the beauty of any Rembrandt In my eyes.

You

Pale even the most vibrant sunset In my eyes.

We lay on our sanctified carpet of love Wielding the brush of emotion

Creating a masterpiece never to be forsaken.

We are the lost love letter

Written in the eye of emotion’s storm. You, and only you,

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SOMETIMES

Sometimes I think I can’t live in a tense Or a person.

I seem to become mired and mirrored in the past And the future simultaneously.

The present somehow mysteriously eludes me.

When I’m in it,

It is surreal

And elusive, almost non-existent And yet

It’s where I most desire to be.

Sometimes I think

I’m not even real.

Then, I see your face

And suddenly everything makes sense again.

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11

SWEET HUNGRY FEVER

It’s such a sweet hungry fever

Your primal kiss presents me with. Should I die to be reborn within it? Or should I shrink from it and hide

Inside someone else’s smile?

Too Late!

I’m already drowning in the tender afterglow

Of your warm embrace.

Smile

Just for me.

No one else but me.

Smile from your soul and pierce my being. I will turn it to gold and cherish it

Until 7 becomes 6

It’s such a sweet hungry fever you create in me. It’s fast becoming something

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12

THE DEEP

It’s a feeling that fills my being totally, Yet still manages to somehow claw Even deeper into my soul.

Is it a brand new emotion

Or is it reminiscent of an old enchantment Faded & buried so deep in my psyche, So deep I’m not certain

It ever lived and breathed before?

No use to philosophize

Or burn the midnight oil sifting memories Because that was then and this is now. This is real and this is happening, Racing at breakneck speed, Raw Emotion

Never before so cutting yet comfortable.

I tenderly caress it with the fingers of my heart, Whisper it softly through the canyons of my mind. I touch it, hold it, nurture it and lovingly build it Into a poetic dream I can polish to perfection.

I dance with it, feel its rhythm pulsate through my core And change the beat of my heart.

I grasp it to my soul never to let it go, For this is eternal magic, eternal flame Never to be put asunder.

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THE KEY

Whenever you’re gone

The Sun doesn’t shine as bright.

The rain doesn’t feel as fresh or wet,

The moon loses its luminosity. I lose myself.

There’s an indescribable ache,

An unequivocal emptiness. Oh I get by,

But just barely.

The world becomes hazy

And the code to happiness becomes elusive And indecipherable.

Without you I’m locked

Inside a universe that doesn’t suit me.

You’re the only key

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THE PLEDGE

I pledge my soul to you.

If ever a sad feeling starts to form in your eyes, I will lasso the wind

And transform it into a towel for your tears. I will capture the Sun

To warm the coldest moments You spend in uncertainty.

If ever you feel empty I will fill you up.

If ever you feel needy

I will exceed your requirements. If ever you feel frightened

I will slay your dragons.

If ever you become lost I promise,

I will find you

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15

BEYOND THE SHADOW

Sometimes in the course of the day,

When I’m away from you,

There are moments that feel like years. They ache with a life of their own

Chasing ghosts just beyond their shadow.

When you’re not with me

There’s a skulking numbness that pursues me

And corners me in darkened alleys. I become the shadow of a shadow, Lost in life’s fog.

Sometimes the need to touch you Is so prevalent and all pervading -- I can almost feel the fabric

And temperature of your skin.

Sometimes I close my eyes And I swear I feel

The brush of your breath on my neck.

Moment to moment

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16

THE TRUTH IS

The truth is,

It has to happen fast or it doesn’t happen at all. I say “I love you”.

You say “ You don’t know me, or anything about me .”

The truth is,

Somewhere and someplace in time

I’ve known you forever.

I know everything I need to know about you.

I see you through my eyes And you are beautiful to me, So I paint a picture

Of who I believe you are in my mind. I engrave my vision of you carefully And carve it meticulously

Into the blazing stone fireplace in my mind So it can never change.

This is who you will always be to me. I will always love the you I have painted. It is a masterpiece.

It is You Forever.

The truth is

This masterpiece I have painted of you Will never ever change

Because I am the Artist. I have signed the painting, And,

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17

WHILE YOU LAY SLEEPING

While you lay sleeping I look at you.

I see all things beautiful.

Your tenderness is a warm vacuum of tingling nerves That I eagerly climb into without fear.

As I lay awake beside you, While you lay sleeping,

I thank whatever Gods may be That they brought

You To Me

The One who’s needed you so much.

As I gently caress your body I lay my cheek softly on yours: To listen to your breathing,

To get a little closer to your dreams, To be near you wherever you have gone, While you lay sleeping.

Pressing my body to you,

I feel my spirit melt through yours.

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18

WHISPER MY NAME

Whisper my name And I will hear it.

Even though you’re far away from me tonight,

I keep you safe in the warm hold and gentle fold of my spirit.

I frame wings with my thoughts And fly them straight to your heart On the winds of love

Across the universe tonight

I’m holding you,

Caressing you, Kissing you, Loving you

Somewhere this side of heaven. Invisible,

Indivisible, Indelible

Imprinted on the fabric of eternity.

Vulnerable

Only to a deeper degree of love.

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19

YOUR COURT

I spend most of my lucid waking moments Touching you with the fingers of my mind.

Every moment I’m breathing

I want to hold you, Kiss you,

Touch you, Love you.

I’ve spent most moments since I met you

Thinking of you

And wanting to hold you close to me forever.

The ball is in your court. Return it to me

If you’re ready for the real thing

Or

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20

WHENEVER I HEAR YOUR VOICE

Whenever I hear your voice

Something ethereal whisper to my heart.

It’s like a cool waterfall flowing over me

In a torrid blazing fire.

It’s like a midnite sun beating down On a cold hard winter night.

Whenever I hear your voice Magical moments rush in On a swift incoming tide

Washing through every corner of my mind.

Whenever I hear your voice

I realize just how alive I actually am these days.

The world spins a little faster, Shines a little brighter

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21

AND STILL WE PLUNGE DEEPER

We slid down

The hot steel blade of love’s knife

Unscathed.

No wounds, No bleeding,

Just a deeper more profound understanding and respect For this deep emotion.

We rolled our hearts like loaded dice

Across the valley of love’s landmines

Undamaged

And today they still beat

In perfect rhythm with each other, Only for each other.

You’re so very close to me

Sometimes I’m sure you are me, and I am you

Inside this netherworld exchange we nestle in nightly.

We rock in our cradle of love, Polished to brilliant stone

Sprinkled with the burnished orange stars we’ve created.

This is a deep as it gets And still we plunge deeper

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22

HATE/LOVE

I hate you

And yet I love you.

I hope you miss me so much you break, And yet I hope you never break.

I hope you cry all night long with no respite,

And yet I don’t wish even one tear to stain your face.

I hope you’re cold as ice each night without me,

And yet I wish you warm blankets and dreams.

I hope your feet and back ache incessantly, And yet I wish you freedom from all pain.

I hope you are so depressed you can’t function, And yet I wish you total happiness and serenity.

I hope your heart aches in agony And yet I wish you peace and joy.

I wish you were still mine,

And yet I’m thankful you’re not.

I hate you,

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THE AWAKENING

When you’re starving, crumbs will not suffice. When you’re just hungry they will.

If a feast isn’t to your liking

You’ll leave the table still wanting.

I wanted

The things that remained ungiven I wanted

The tarnished golden ring to shine I wanted

The you that you hid so well.

When I tried to dream my wishes to life Reality became so hazy.

I saw things as they really weren’t.

When the alarm clock in my dream screamed to be heard I was forced to open my eyes.

A new dawn splashed A shock of cold water On the face of my heart.

The smoke and mirrors disappeared. Reality suddenly seemed so real So harsh.

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24

BRANDING IRONS

Sometimes I fear you And your source of tears;

Jewels trickling down the cheek Of a hazy cherished memory.

You blend your evil and your magic So magnificently

In the guise of primal passion.

You have tied me to the secrets That hide in your blood,

And so we mingle With lost innocence.

Behold,

Our hands are branding irons

As we touch each other’s soul.

THE EDGE

I’m at the edge of your embrace

Teetering on a shaky precipice.

I’m at the edge of my sanity

And ready to jump if you leave me.

I’m dying here at the edge of a sad song And begging you to save me.

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25

BROKEN

If I ever needed to win something I need to now.

I lost everything when I lost you. Disillusionment runs rampant

Across the barren landscape of my heart.

I’m having a very bad day today

Bourne of missing you monumentally.

I’m desparate

For your touch, For your voice.

Everything I am is tangled up in you.

I can’t face people. I can’t face the world.

I can’t even leave the house today. My condition is too fragile.

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26

CREEPING DAMP

And now the empty days begin To match my empty heart,

Like two lost earrings in a sea of tears.

The numbness crept in, With immediate effect, On tiny wornout slippers. It was over in a heartbeat,

A single heartbeat that shook the heavens And broke my soul.

We went through so many heartbeats together Yet in one fell swoop our heartbeats separated Like the Red Sea parting.

We were the deposed Pharoahs

Engulfed by this disaster we were destined for.

Star crossed, right from the beginning, And too focused on the moment To check the darkness

Lurking in the corners,

We murdered the love we so coveted.

Some things, even though pre-destined Never come to fruition,

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27

EVEN LESS

I’ve looked at love from all sides now, Waxing, waning, disseminating

On the moonlit shore of dreams.

I’ve seen this miracle awaken

I’ve watched it break down to nothing.

I’ve looked at love

Through childhood’s page

Through teenage fears and middle age.

I’ve tasted its honey.

I’ve wasted its money.

I’ve exalted it. I’ve faulted it.

The golden years are here Strewn with silver tears

And threaded through the eye of yesterday’s needle.

I’ve looked at love from all sides now

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I SUCCUMB

Moping and groping,

Searching to find a tranquil thought To stave off this infiltrating insanity.

What happens to the heart

When you realize the one you count on

Isn’t going to be there ever?

What happens to the mind When the emotional turmoil Becomes so tightly wound The threads of sense break?

An empty gnawing feeling

Begins to claw its way into the soul Perhaps to nap

Perchance to sleep the endless sleep.

Unravelling to the 23rd degree For the 24th time

I succumb

To the numbness

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29

LOVE’S METAL

The tears I cry

Are wetter than ever before As I watch them fall onto

The imaginary mirror of this page.

I see reflected in them “the possible” And “the impossible”.

I see you. I see me. I see us

And then I don’t see us.

The teardrops meet and blend And I see the dream I had for us.

The dream I’ve tried so hard to make come true. It’s reduced to teardrops,

Adrift on a tide of raw emotion.

It’s still intact,

But it’s heavy with love’s metal.

I can’t pick it up by myself.

Maybe you could help me lift it So we can hold it to our hearts And make them new again.

Right now,

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NEVER LOST

When you can’t find a song to thrill you anymore,

I will be your music.

When you can’t find a dream to build on anymore, I will be your foundation.

When you can’t find the passion that flared before,

I will be your candle in the wind, your primordial spark.

When life is unfair and you’re world weary,

I will bring you fresh new moments Laced with the fragrance of flowers Sprinkled with morning dewdrops.

When you’re soul is thirsting,

I will be your water, your river, your lake.

When your chest feels tight and the air becomes thin, I will be your breath.

When you feel a frost starting deep inside you,

I will be your fire. I will vanquish the chill and destroy the ice.

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31

NO STRANGER

The wind whispers your name And drifts daydreams of you

Through the canyons of my reverie.

You’re no stranger to this secret territory.

Instantly my blood recognizes you And my pulse quickens.

I see your image

Across every sunlit sky. I smell your essence

In every raindrop that touches my skin. I feel your love everywhere,

Surrounding me, Sanctifying me, Keeping me safe

Inside the warm hold of your heart.

We never were strangers. We were one

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ETERNAL

Where we are concerned

There is no beginning, middle or end. Our love always has been,

Always is,

And always will be.

Eternal.

You claim me just by looking at me. You own me just by touching me.

You keep me safe just by speaking to me. You transform me into pure love

Whenever I hear you whisper my name.

When I speak of love I speak of you. There has never been another. There never will be.

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SURVIVAL

Candice James Copyright 09.27.2008

Don’t ever doubt

The depth of my love for you.

It’s a perpetual circle

That begins and ends In the vortex Of your very being.

It transcends all levels of reality, Known and undiscovered.

There is no music

When you’re gone.

There is no sunshine Without your smile.

There are no dreamscapes Without your eyes.

There are no sensations Without your touch. There is no love Without you.

I become lost in a damp fog Whenever you remove yourself From my world.

Return to me. Smile for only me.

Touch my heart to bring it alive again.

Bring back the music, The sunshine,

Bring back the dreamscapes, The sensations.

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THANK YOU

Thank you

For the nights in white satin;

For the days strewn with sunshine; For the moments of glory;

For the glimpse into infinity; For the creative inspiration.

Thank you

For all the little things; For all the big things; For the magical mornings; For the mystical evenings; For all the indelible days.

Thank you

For holding me so close; For kissing me passionately; For caressing me tenderly; For touching my soul; For loving me.

I always knew

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SPECTACULAR NIGHTS

The nights of you and I Those spectacular nights

Glittering with the dust of diamonds, Alive with the touch of silk,

As we lay feathered together Inside our pillowed dream.

Glory abounded and heaven smiled As we exchanged each other

Inside the breathing bullet we fired.

We touched each other’s soul And layed claim to love.

We embraced, and touched the sun. We kissed, and entered heaven.

We made love and became pure spirit.

Some things can’t be stopped:

A tidal wave;

An erupting volcano; Our love.

Those spectacular nights of you and I Will live forever

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THERE USED TO BE LIGHTNING

There used to be lightning

To illuminate my darkened universe. It flashes no more.

There used to be a key

To access a world of happiness But tears have submerged the door.

There used to be soft raindrops To cleanse and wash away the hurt That careless words created.

There used to be sanity To understand the emotions We were spinning

Til sense became too inebriated.

There used to be so much love Before we became lost.

There used to be lightning. Now,

There’s only a faint echo

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UNCHAINED

Chained to a ghostly speck of dust The weight was unbearable.

Lost between pulse beats The silence was defeaning

So I dove into a sea of forgetfulness And became suffocated with memories

Burned by an icy finger,

Warmed by a frozen palm print,

Silver pathways began to form and disappear Flashing off and on

In some bizarre neon dimension of soul.

A snowdrift of anti matter

Swept me off my fountain of fear. I floated through many universes Finally coming to rest on you.

No longer chained to a ghostly speck of dust I languish safely

Inside your red hot deafening pulse beat And it is enough.

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UNSEARCHABLE

`

As the rain falls,

Sky tears mingle with mine As I become one

With this coldest night of nights.

I’ve seen fire,

But tonight I can’t even recall what it felt like.

This chill is too encompassing. This rain is too hard.

Sometimes I feel I’m part of the rain, Or it’s a child of mine

Stillborn inside a veil of sorrow.

I’ll wrap this rain around me

To save me from myself Until I am the rain.

I’ll fall softly through oblivion

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39

WHEN YOU SMILE

When you smile and your eyes sparkle,

I catch a fleeting glimpse of the many magical moments to come. I see virgin lands of love laying wantonly in wait

For the fingertips of my mind to discover.

From this one glimpse into paradise

I can and will create a coveted new fabric to clothe your soul in.

If I could:

I’d harness the moon and stars

To light your darkest hours;

I’d lasso the wind and weave it into a tender towel

To dry your wettest tears;

I’d package the soft summer rain in a golden vial To soothe your fevered brow;

I’d glean the colors from a beautiful sunset

To paint your life with enchantment and love.

If I could do these things for you Believe me, I would.

Smile once, for only me, That I may save it

To keep me dry on a rainy day.

When you smile,

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BEFORE YOU LOOKED AWAY

You were my world.

My sun rose and set on only you. You were my moonlight.

My dreams turned to gold inside your embrace. You were the brightest star in my sky,

Spilling dust on my heart to warm it. You were my greatest passion. The flame burned so hot Some embers will never die.

You were the love of my life,

And though we’re parted

You remain the love of my life.

The last time I saw you

I looked at you hard with love And saw the story of my life Written in your eyes

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LOST

Molten lead

Dripping from the Universe’s pencil Runs through me onto these pages And creates the comfort I so covet.

Steel teardrops

Stolen from the sea of love Lacerate my eyes.

Indigo dreams,

So dark they hide magical moments. Never quite real

And now,

Almost forgotten.

I’m lost.

I’m searching for that part of me I lost inside you.

If I can find it,

I won’t be lost anymore.

Molten lead, steel teardrops and indigo dreams Are my constant companions.

When the last spark of love I feel for you has finally died,

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42

CRAB CAKES & JAZZ

Whenever I think of crab cakes and jazz

I’ll be remembering you.

When I recall heartaches and tears

I’ll see a vision of you.

Whenever I lose something I want

I’ll be thinking of you.

As the years pass by and we’re far apart, In a hazy memory,

Your image will flash

On the screen of my mind -- Sometimes dripping with love; Sometimes drenched with tears;

But whenever I think of crab cakes and jazz

I’ll remember you.

STARLIGHT SKATING RINK

I’m skating on starlight just outside your vision.

Showering in moonbeams, turning to silver.

All my moments are filled with loving Candice James

I’ll pass your way again, and if you’ve got your skates on Reach out for me and I’ll grab your hand and never let it go.

We’ll dance together forever in this starlight skating rink

I built for only you, just outside of heaven’s door.

I need to always be with Candice James

I’ll offer you the key. If you touch it gently

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43

EVEN BRIGHTER

You’re my water

When my spirit is dying of thirst.

You’re my sustenance

When my soul is bleeding with hunger. You pour your essence over me.

I’m alive again.

In my eyes You shine

Like a beautiful multi-faceted diamond. I know all your edges.

To my body

You feel like rich luxurious velvet Burning new descriptions

Indelibly into my fingertips.

To my mind

You are life and death

And the long winding pathway Through ecstasy and agony.

To my spirit You are my soul

You stoke the embers in my mind. You create my fire.

You will never be homeless.

You’ll always live inside me.

I breathe on your flame

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44

I CAN’T RUN –

I CAN’T HIDE

The cracked sidewalks I’m traveling, Shift haphazardly and yawn a warning Into my deafened soul.

I try to run. I try to hide

As the landscape of my heart Breaks into brittle needles & pins.

I feel the vines of prophecy Climbing like ivy in my mind Seeking their own truth As they slide around my neck To handcuff my breath.

It’s a long slow kind of death

I never chased down, But somehow it found me And became mine

When you waltzed into my life.

I can’t run. I can’t hide,

But I can dance this song to death That I may be reborn

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45

ME WITHOUT YOU

It’s like walking to the bedroom,

But when you arrive

You feel like you’re only halfway there.

Sometimes I find myself turning around And waiting for myself to catch up with me.

It’s a rabid displacement of all things

Familiar and forgotten. Memories flash off and on, Haze in and out.

The good ones try to outsmart the bad ones, But they all end up

On the slaughterhouse floor of my heart.

It’s like walking into your own heart And not recognizing it.

Somehow it’s become a total stranger

Wandering haphazardly through your mind.

It’s like walking through heaven’s door

And ending up in hell. This is me

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46

MOVING

Moving through these unknown times

I’m spinning on a dime Pretending it’s a quarter, Fooling only the sad clown

In the last row of this theatre of doom.

Moving through this night so long

There’s no whisper of light, No lure of warmth,

No blanket to hide under Except this sheet of tears This space of ice.

Moving through this hard edged desperation

There’s only crimes

And suicides of the heart To be investigated;

To be dissected; Then blessed; Then divested.

Eventually Moving through Becomes

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47

NO WAY OUT OF YOU

Candice James

Copyright June 3, 2009

You pulled that rug right out from under me

When I wasn’t expecting it.

Good thing I’m an experienced cat not a kitten

I managed to land on my feet And only broke my heart.

I’m direly in need of some exotic catnip

But unfortunately you’re the only source I know And you’re not supplying me anymore.

I’m teetering on a high voltage tightrope

Too frightened to open my eyes And too scared to take a step For fear of falling into the truth.

I should have checked for a safety net

Before I entered the circus ring in your dangerous heart.

I’m stuck in the middle with no supplier and no safety net

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48

OBLIVIOUS

I always seem to be

Running up against horizontal zippers In a vertical world.

I never get to fully open the fabric of this nightmare So I never can see everything all at once.

I just get fleeting glimpses Into these pockets of hell, Searching for a heaven That just cannot be found.

So I’ll just keep spinning

Round and round

In this square prison of water I find myself trapped in. Drowning,

But happy in the knowledge

That you won’t notice the tears.

In fact,

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49

THE BRUSH OF YOUR BREATH

Smoke rings rising in images of you.

I see all possibilities in them for a moment For all time, and then,

I see only one possible moment.

The altered atmosphere, Creates and molds a statue, A cathedral unto itself,

Sculpted at the edges of castle deep.

Left behind and dissolving Into a beckoning sea,

All negative vibrations suddenly disappear With the brush of your breath on my soul.

I’m a vagrant of love

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50

THE PLEDGE

I pledge my soul to you.

If ever a sad feeling starts to form in your eyes, I will lasso the wind

And transform it into a towel for your tears. I will capture the Sun

To warm the coldest moments You spend in uncertainty.

If ever you feel empty I will fill you up.

If ever you feel needy

I will exceed your requirements. If ever you feel frightened

I will slay your dragons.

If ever you become lost I promise,

I will find you

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51

SOME ENDINGS

Sometimes I have 20/20 vision

And other times I’m almost legally blind.

Either way,

I should have seen at the start

We’d never have a happy ending.

Some endings are so hard to take

You just can’t read that book again. The only evidence that you’ve read it

Is the pages that crumpled As your teardrops slowly dried And stained the ink on the page.

We became indecipherable And love disappeared Like frost on the grass.

Without warning, you broke my heart.

I still can’t believe I never saw it coming.

Some endings are too hard to take

And I just can’t read that book again,

(52)

52

STAINS

I thought about you this morning And the tears began again.

Lately they’re a frequent yet unwelcome visitor.

Thank God they are only momentary

And haven’t taken up permanent residence yet.

I see the tearstains on love’s page

And wonder at the world that must exist inside them. Some of them look lonely,

Some emanate anger, And a few special ones

Hold the remnants of lost love.

“Everything is a universe unto itself”.

I know this must be true

Because you are a universe unto yourself Far separated from love and me.

Nestled in the warm damp Of tears on my pillow

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53

SURVIVAL

When I saw you this morning You were a sight for sore eyes.

Wild and wooly, hair disheveled and hung over. You still looked absolutely beautiful to me. As you neared the car

I could feel your heat And the ice in my heart Began a silver thaw

Inside that golden moment.

We had good times. We had bad times. When I remember the bad times

Even they feel good now.

I’ve carefully wrapped them up

In their own special melancholy afterglow.

When I saw you this morning Hung over and disheveled

The flood gates in my heart opened

And I let you in once again to do more damage, But not before I put on my life jacket

And grabbed a few golf balls for you.

Because I never know where we’ll end up,

I want to ensure you’re happy And make sure I don’t drown.

At the heart of the matter,

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54

THEN & NOW

In the beginning, A meeting of the eyes, A meeting of the minds. A meeting of the bodies. A meeting of the hearts, And finally

A joining of the souls.

And then,

The anger, the disillusionment,

The airport where we boarded the future And finally

We flew apart

In our opposite wounded directions.

And now,

Teardrops in my eyes, Desolation in my mind, A chill throughout my body, An aching in my heart. And finally

A breaking of my spirit.

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55

NO TRACE

I took the little labels, Identifying the frets, Off the Dobro tonite.

Since we don’t make beautiful music anymore, I couldn’t see much sense

In you trying to play it with me again.

In a way it felt bad,

But in a way it felt so good To peel those little labels off

Like you peeled my love off of you.

As I look at the Dobro now

There’s no trace at all

That the labels were ever there.

I need to always be with Candice James

If I chance to see you again

I’m just as certain

There’ll be no trace

(56)

56

THE VIEW

When you came into view today You looked so good,

Wearing the blue Nike T Shirt I bought you for your Birthday.

Did I look good

Wearing the heartache

You bought me for my Deathday?

When I looked into your eyes I saw both confusion and care.

I thought I’d see nonchalance

But if it was there you hid it well,

Much the way you hide your true emotions.

When you kissed me, I wondered,

Was it goodbye or a new kind of hello.

When you came into view today My world started spinning again For a short while,

Before the moment ended

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57

ALWAYS SEARCHING

Winter’s creeping into this lonely city

And I want to stand in someone’s shadow.

I want to stand in your shadow. I need to hide in your shadow. I long to live in your shadow Taking up permanent residence In a land sans tears.

I’m caught in the quiet of a cloud

Flying sidelong into a mountain Of moments I may not be able to Calibrate or estimate,

And all the while

I’m listening to the breeze

As it rolls in and rocks

The ancient suspension bridge Hanging by a thread in my mind.

The book of days lays open

On a dust riddled table of dreams. The pages turn in slow motion As they erupt from their Shallow burial ground.

During these intervals of upheaval I need to find a safe place to land.

I’m always searching

For your outstretched arms,

For the safety of your smooth runway.

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58

AT THAT CRUCIAL MOMENT

At that crucial moment last night,

It was like holding shiny stardust in the palms of my hands. It was like living a million love scenes

From the greatest movies ever to grace the silver screen. It was like coming home from the longest journey ever, The thirst finally over, the throat fully slaked,

The hunger abated, the spirit sated. It was you laying beside me again after An absence longer than eternity.

I felt the depth of the thrill just as deep

As I felt the icy cut of the knife when you left me, The last time, the longest time, the most

Terrifying time, right up until That crucial moment last night,

When you came home and killed the cold.

The sheets rumpled and sighed under the weight Of your glistening body as you flowed onto

Onto me like a wave caressing the shore. I crumbled and sighed as I slid into your arms Your mouth, your body and your soul.

It felt so surreal and yet it was the only real

Life since you’ve been gone.

Inherently present in every cell that comprises me You run savagely, silently, soothingly

Freedom became lost the first time I swam In the dark of your eyes.

At that crucial moment then

And at that crucial moment last night I came full circle back to you

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59

BROKEN TOO LONG TO BE FIXED

The sun is trying to break through the clouds.

In search of a brand new moment

And I’m trying to dance with invisible diamonds

On a sea of glistening dreams.

It’s a

new dance with new music

That I just can’t

seem to comprehend.

I’m not used to the gentle steps

And the tender twists and turns

So easy to navigate.

But, alas,

I’ve been broken too long to be fixed.

Bring back the tidal waves and savage storms.

Bring back the leaky boats with broken oars.

Bring back the tattered sail and the cracked mast.

Close up all the safe harbors to seek repairs in.

Launch me back into your stormy sea of shipwrecked dreams

And smile for me one last time,

As I embrace the drowning.

(60)

60

HOW CAN I ?

How can I cool my lips After your fiery kiss? How can I dream again

If you’re not part of it?

How can my arms react If it’s not your embrace? How can I hide the trace Of these tears on my face?

How can I stop the rain? How can I quell the fear? How can I ease the pain If I can’t hold you near?

How can I face this storm If you won’t keep me warm?

I can’t

(61)

61

IF I CANNOT CRY

Goodbye my love.

It’s hard to watch love die.

Please forgive me if I cannot cry.

So many questions without answers why. Too many tears made my eyes run dry.

So many pillowcases soaking wet

So many failed attempts to raise the dead. Too many writings better left unread. Sometimes I wish we had never met.

Too many times you didn’t take the time.

So many heartaches. It was such a crime. You made your stand then you walked away.

This debt’s now yours and you will have to pay.

Goodbye my love.

It’s hard to watch love die.

(62)

62

LATE LAST NIGHT

Late last night

The moon hung high in the sky,

Hazy inside it’s corona.

The inner recesses of my mind Penetrated its core

With a message for only you.

Tell him:

I’m in love with him.

I ache for only him. My tears are in the rain. My sighs are on the wind.

My heartache is trapped inside this storm

Of needing him;

His voice, His touch, His presence. His warmth, His magic.

Late last night

I fell to my knees and begged the moon To deliver this message

Straight from my heart to yours.

Late last night

There wasn’t another living soul in my world

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63

LOCKED OUT

Your image is burned into my mind, Seared into my heart,

Scorched into my soul,

And it always will be the biggest part of my spirit. I see your face everywhere,

In everything,

Even in transparencies.

I look into the mirror

And I see you staring back at me.

I’m imprisoned in an atmosphere of needles and pins.

I try to succumb to this numbness I’ve become,

Then your image flashes again And I’m hanging by a thread Turning into a rope.

I’m trying to climb back into the us I lost

Before you locked me out.

Someday I’ll find

(64)

64

REVERSAL

I parked the car the opposite way tonight Hoping that somehow

It might reverse the recent events in my life; Hoping it might change my energy field And attract you back to me.

As I walked through the underground Toward the elevator door

I was hoping it might all be just a bad dream. I got into the elevator and wished for you. Each step I took down the hallway to my door Was filled with the anticipation

That you might be inside waiting for me.

My wish came true until I opened the door

And found the emptiness you left waiting there for me.

I didn’t turn the light on right away.

I just stood there silently in the dark Listening to my heartbeat,

Wondering where yours was.

Maybe tomorrow

If I drive in reverse I can change things

(65)

65

SAFE AT LAST

It’s a summer hammock kind of feeling

On a warm breezy day. Drifting through notions And oceans of emotions,

Semi sunstruck and pierced with diamonds, We move in tandem.

We are the cyclists Burning new grooves

Deep into this highway of love we travel. Winding roads,

Hidden potholes, And looming cliffs

Don’t frighten me anymore. Because I’m traveling with you,

(66)

66

SHOWDOWN

Inside the fullest effulgence of a moonbeam Encompassing a solitary teardrop,

I sometimes believe I can see the real you Hiding inside this dampened dream.

This nocturnal film noire Starring your illustrious smile, Produced by your exceeding heat, Directed by your familiar flame Excites me even more than before

Inside the fullest meaning of my heartbeat.

The reel runs both ways,

In Technicolor and Cinemascope, Then black and white,

Dark and light,

Like a breathing bullet Searching for embodiment

Inside the fullest moment of this showdown

(67)

67

SLEEPING AWAKE

I spend my nights sleeping with sleep Caressing its invisible chanting breath

As I feel it brush the eastern side of my cheek In a westerly wind kind of essence.

I hear the chime of a distant bell Thundering inside a cloud too far. The skies eyes have narrowed in on me And every part of my mind is being

Scrutinized past the point of tears or pity. Her invisible fingers have touched my flesh. She is dissecting the arteries in my heart

Reading the lies I’ve been hiding in my blood.

I’m running down a barbed wire trail

Barefoot, headlong into the wall of Granite flecked wind that beats on my Skin but never breaks the surface. I must be heading toward a destination

But I don’t know it’s name and I can’t

Seem to find reference to it on any map. I slow down the pace for a bit

Trying to figure out exactly where I am But as I slow the pace the barbed wire

Trail I’m travelling on cuts into

My uncalloused feet and the bleeding starts.

I’ve seen this kind of bleeding before.

Once it came from my heart and my soul

At night when I’m sleeping alone,

I sometimes sense you’re beside me. I could swear I hear you breathing Into the pillow beside me.

(68)

68

THAT MOMENT IN TIME

Driving down 6th Street at that moment in time, All I saw was the back view of a man on the sidewalk, A shock of salt and pepper hair,

A cel phone to his ear

And an umbrella hanging down from his belt.

I knew in an instant, by the fit of the pants,

The posture, and the umbrella hanging down from the belt That it was you!

A couple of blocks earlier I had the feeling you were nearby And Presto! There you were

Magically appearing

Out of the universe’s bag of tricks

To fulfill this burning, yearning inside me.

There are over 100,000 people in this city

But somehow, I knew I’d see you today, Touch you today,

Kiss you today.

At that moment in time

When our hands touched and our lips met, I was home again

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69

THE REMAINING

When will you give your love to me again? And, will you give it to me again?

As I lie in bed this question repeats And repeats itself in my mind.

Where did I lose you and when? Was it on the street of faded dreams?

Was it when I wasn’t paying enough attention?

If ever you filled my heart and mind More than now,

It must have been in some other Heartbreak Hotel I built, chained up

By an icy rope of memory’s teardrops.

Everywhere I go I look for you. I search the streets and avenues, On hot sultry days

On white snowy nights, In every corner of my heart, At the far edge of my sanity. I never take a step without you.

You’ve never left my thoughts or my heart.

Where will I see you again, and will I? In life? In death? When?

Until then

I remain waiting.

(70)

70

THIS RELENTLESS RAIN

It’s raining all over my world:

Lonely days, Killer nights,

Communication breakdown all around.

I’m curled up into a ball

Trying to roll into a parallel universe Where I know the other me is happy.

I’m trying to tie my spirit to a kite

And fly high and far away from this rain.

Where am I?

I know I’m somewhere in this world But I’m so far removed from me now, It’s almost like I’m not real anymore. Like the world isn’t real anymore. All that’s real

(71)

71

WINDS OF CHANGE

Windswept, tearstained and star crossed The odds were against us right from the start.

It was like a split second

Unexpected hemorrhage of the heart. In the beginning

The color was so brilliant, So red,

So beautiful and hot,

We didn’t realize we were dying of emotion.

Death walked in the dark of us, On soft velour slippers.

We never heard it coming.

It’s shadow fell across us like a blanket of doom.

We split apart like wet kindling Never to burn together again.

The tears drowned the dream. The stars crossed again

(72)

72

WESTERN WIND

I cried to the western wind

Chanting “Please bring him back again”

The rain’s really pouring down.

Reality’s spinning around.

My blue world is decorated with

Bright red heartaches and glistening teardrops. I feel the blood coursing through my veins, Screaming your name,

Like a hard edged cut In the womb of my mind, In the tomb of my heart.

Since we’re apart

I’m only a part

Of who I really am.

You’re the other half of me.

I walk with your ghost continuously.

And I’ll cry to the western wind

(73)

73

IF I SAW YOU AGAIN

If I saw you tomorrow how would I feel?

An ocean under love’s bridge now separates us,

We who thought nothing could separate us.

I wonder if I would sense a rush of emotion Ushering in that old feeling.

Would the sleeping embers burst into flame again? If our eyes met would they lock?

Would they be able lock out the painful memories You left me to untangle alone?

Would I long to hold you close

And run my fingers through your hair? Would my lips ache to be brushed And brutalized by yours yet again? Would desire rise up on angel wings Or be quelled by the hazy mist Of remembered heartaches?

(74)

74

CLEARLY

Man of a thousand eyes And a million smiles,

I have searched the universe for you.

I’ve looked for you over a multitude of miles, On endless highways and hidden byways, Where dreams and magic and ghosts Whirl and swirl in a sea of hope,

From ship to shore, chasing your essence.

When our eyes burned through each other We both realized we were never strangers. Our paths had crossed over and over again, When the oceans were streams

And the mountains were valleys, When dreams were dust and glory Emerging into this destiny

We were destined for.

Man of a thousand eyes And a million smiles

I’ve searched for you everywhere.

When my eyes found you, I saw myself,

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75

CANDICE JAMES AUTHOR PROFILE

Candice James was born in New Westminster at Saint Mary’s Hospital in 1948 and has

spent most of her life in the City of New Westminster. She graduated in 1965 from Lester Pearson Senior Secondary School, now known as NWSS.

Candice began the rudimentary stages of her writing, at the age of thirteen, composing essays. Over the years Candice continued writing and eventually moved into the arena of Poetry, which continues to be her preferred genre of writing.

She is the Author of the surrealistic, poetry book, “A SPLIT IN THE WATER” consisting of 116 poems which was published by Fiddlehead Poetry Books/University Of New

Brunswick Literary Press in 1979 and is currently in many Canadian libraries. This 100 page poetry book is also for sale by bookstores and on the Internet.

The Spring 1980 Literary Press Group Catalogue (Association Of Canadian Publishers)

described on page 170 “A Split In The Water” by Candice James as follows: “A first book

by a self taught poet characterized by brilliant imagery drawn from all facets of modern life."

Candice spent many years employed in the financial services industry, the real estate industry, and the music industry both in the business end and on the performing side. She has continued writing over the past 30 years, mostly poetry, but also 3 screenplays

and a children’s book. She was a featured guest on CFRO radio in Vancouver, BC on

December 29, 2009 and is currently participating in poetry readings in the Greater Vancouver area of BC. Candice also has three poetry e-books on the internet.

Contact information is as follows;

Candice James

Box 5 – 720 Sixth Street, New Westminster, BC V3L 3C5 CANADA

Tel: 778-322-1131

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