DearFellowParent,
Asparents,wehavethemost importantjob intheworld.There is nothingwedoinourlifetimesthatismoresignificantthanhowwe raiseourchildren. It’sachallenging,full-timejobthatlasts throughout ourlives,nomatterhowoldourchildren get.Whileparentingpresents uswithstrugglesandtrials,it alsooffersusmanyrewards.Thoserewards, too,canlastthroughourlives.
Thisbookletaddressescertain strugglesandtrialsofparenting and highlightssomeofitsmanyrewards.Theinformation isbasedondecades ofresearchonparenting,aswellastheexperiencesofactual parents andexperts inparenting.Thebookletisdesignedforparentsofevery background,fromfirst-time parentsto grandparents,sothatanyonewho interactswithchildrencanbenefitfromthisvaluableinformation.
Parentingisnotonlyvital toourpresent,butalsoto ourfuture,asour childrenthemselves becomeparents.Raisingchildrenisanadventure, fullofsurprisesandchanges.I hopethatthisinformationhelpsyou to shapeyourownparenting practicesand beliefs,asyou embarkon your ownparentingadventure.
Sincerelyyours,
Alan E. Guttmacher, M.D.
Director
Eunice Kennedy Shriver National Institute of
How
and
Can
Help
You
Be
a
Successful
Parent
NICHD
Table
of
contents
2 Adventures in parenting
5 Respondingtoyourchildinan appropriatemanner
8 Preventingriskybehavioror problemsbeforetheyarise
12 Monitoringyourchild’scontactwithhisorher surroundingworld
16 Mentoringyourchildto supportand encouragedesiredbehaviors
20 Modelingyourownbehaviorto provide aconsistent,positive exampleforyourchild
23 Now what should I do?
24 Is your child under three?
Thenread this...
35 Is your child between ages fourand ten?
Thenread this...
47 Is your child between ages eleven and fourteen?
Thenread this...
61 References
62 Acknowledgements
63 For more information...
A
Adventures
in
parenting
Have youheard the latest advice about parenting?Ofcourseyouhave.From expertsto otherparents,peoplearealways readytogiveyouparentingadvice.Parentingtips,parents’survivalguides, dos, don’ts, shoulds, andshouldn’ts—newones comeouteveryday.
Butwithsomuchinformationavailable,howcan anyonefigureout what
reallyworks? How doyou knowwhoseadvicetofollow?Isn’tparenting just commonsenseanyway? How cantheexperts knowwhatit’sliketo be aparentinarealhouse?
What’s a parent to do?
TryRPM3—ano-frillsapproachtoparenting fromtheEuniceKennedy ShriverNationalInstituteofChildHealthandHumanDevelopment(NICHD).
Forover30 years,theNICHDhasconducted andsupportedresearch inparentingandchild development.We’vetalkedto experts,parents,
and children.We’vecollectedstatistics,identifiedmyths, andtested suggestions.Theresultis RPM3.
TheRPM3guidelinesaren’tmeant tobe justanother parenting“howto,”tellingyouwhat todo.Instead,RPM3 separatestheusefulinformation fromthenot-so-useful sothatyou can makeyourowndecisionsaboutparenting.RPM3does morethantell storiesaboutwhatpeoplethinkaboutparenting,it incorporates30years ofNICHDresearchtotellyouwhat reallyworks.
RPM3confirms somethingthatyou alreadyknow:parentsdomatter.
Youmatter. Readon tofindoutjusthowmuch...
Parents
do
RPM3
Thefirstsectionofthisbookletexplains eachitem inRPM3,responding,
preventing,monitoring, mentoring,
and modeling,inmoredetail.These
lessonsdescribe howRPM3canhelpyou makedailydecisionsaboutparenting.The remainingsectionsofthebookletgive examplesofhowsomeparentshaveusedthe lessonsofRPM3withtheirownchildren.
Asyouread,youwill noticenumbers,like
1 or7 nexttocertain words.Thesenumbers
relatetotheresearchthatsupportsanidea orconcept,listedontheReferences page. Thesereferencesgiveyoumoreinformation aboutNICHDparentingresearch.
So where do we start?
Thefirstthingyou needtoknowis that therearenoperfectparents.Parentingisn’t all-or-nothing.Successesand mistakesare partofbeing aparent.Start tothinkabout thetype ofparentyou wantto be.RPM3 offersresearch-basedguidelinesforbeing:
▪ Aneffective parent
Yourwordsandactionsinfluenceyour childthewayyouwantthemto.
▪ Aconsistent parent
Youfollowsimilarprinciplesorpracticesinyourwordsand actions.
▪ Anactiveparent
Youparticipateinyourchild’slife.
▪ Anattentiveparent
Youpayattentionto yourchild’slifeand observewhat goeson.
RPM3
Byincludingresponding,preventing,monitoring,mentoring,and
modelinginyourday-to-dayparentingactivities,youcanbecome amore effective,consistent,active,and attentiveparent.
Onceyou havelearnedabouteachRPM3guideline,goto thesection thatdescribesyourchild’sageto seehowsomeparentsusetheseguidelines intheireverydayparenting.Thinkaboutstepsyoucantake tousethese guidelinesandideas inyourownday-to-dayparenting.
Beingamoreeffective,consistent,active,and attentiveparentisachoice thatonlyyoucanmake.
Keep in mind...
Asyoulearn abouttheRPM3guidelinesand readtheexamples,remember thatresponding,preventing,monitoring,mentoring,andmodelinghavetheir placeinparentingeverychild—including thosechildrenwithspecialor differentneeds.
Allchildren—be theymentallychallenged,mentallygifted,physically challenged,physicallygifted,orsomecombinationofthese—canbenefit fromtheguidelinesinRPM3.Thechildrendescribedinthebooklet’s examplesmightbeinwheelchairs;theycould haveleukemiaorasthma;they maytakecollegelevelcourses;ortheymightbeinspecial classesforkids withattentiondeficitdisorder.
Thestoriesdon’tspecificallymentionthesetraitsbecauseall kidsneed day-to-dayparenting,including thoseinspecialsituations.Theguidelines presentedinRPM3focusonhowtohandle day-to-dayparentingchoices, inwhichachild’sabilitiesor disabilitiesarenotthemost important
factors.Thebooklet’sexamplesalsoapplyto familiesofanyculture,religion, livingarrangement,economicstatus,andsize.They addresssituationsthat allfamiliesexperience,evenifthespecificfamily detailsareslightlydifferent.
Let’sbeginbylearningthelessonsthatRPM3hastoteach,startingwiththe
R
Responding
to
your
child
in
an
appropriate
manner
RPM3
Thisguidelinemayseemobvious,butrespondingismorethanjustgiving yourchildattention.Thewordsareactuallysayingtwodifferentthings:
1)makesureyou’rerespondingtoyourchild,notreacting;and 2)make sureyourresponseisappropriate,notoverblownorout-of-proportion, toocasualor minimal,ortoolate.
Are you reacting or responding to your child?
Manyparentsreacttotheir children.Thatis,theyanswerwiththefirst word,feeling,oractionthatcomestomind.It’sanormalthingtodo, especiallywithalltheotherthingspeopledoevery day.
Whenyoureact,youaren’tmaking adecision aboutwhatoutcomeyou wantfromaneventoraction.Evenmorethanthat,ifyou react,youcan’t
choosethebestway toreachtheoutcomeyou want.
Respondingtoyourchildmeans thatyou takeamomentto thinkaboutwhatis really goingonbeforeyouspeak,feel,oract. Respondingismuchharderthanreacting becauseittakesmoretime andeffort. Thetimethatyoutake betweenlookingat theeventand acting,speaking,orfeelingis vitalto yourrelationshipwithyourchild. Thattime,whetheritbeafewseconds,five minutes,oradayortwo,allowsyou tosee thingsmoreclearly,intermsofwhatis happeningrightnowandwhatyouwant tohappen inthelong-run.
What is an appropriate response?
Anappropriateresponseisone thatfitsthesituation.Bothyourchild’sage andthespecificfactsoftheoccasionareimportantindecidingwhatafitting responseis.Forexample,afittingresponseforababywhois cryingdiffers fromafittingresponseforafour-year-oldor a10-year-old whoiscrying. Afittingresponseforaninstanceinwhichachild isrunningdependson whetherthatchildisrunning intoabusystreetorrunning totheswingset ontheplayground. Yourchild’sphysicaloremotionalneedsmayalsoshape yourdecisionaboutafitting response.
Responding to your child in an appropriate manner allows youto:
▪ Thinkaboutall the options
before youmakea decision.
Thiswill helpyouchoosethe bestway to getfrom thecurrent situationtotheoutcomethat you want.Bytakingtime tosee aproblemfrommanysides,for instance,you aremorelikely to choosethemost fittingresponse. Forsituationsthathappen often, yourwell-thought-outresponse canbecome almostautomatic,like picking upacrying baby.
▪ Answersome basicquestions:
Doyourwordsgetacrosswhat you aretrying tosay?Doyour actionsmatchyourwords?Areyour emotionsgetting intheway ofyour decision-making?Doyou know thereasonsforyourchild’sactions orbehavior?
Did
you
know...?
Parentsdo matter!1
Ofallthe thingsthat
influenceyourchild’s
growthanddevelopment,
oneofthemostimportant
RPM3
▪ Consider previous,similar events
and recall howyou handled them.
Youcanremindyourchildoftheseother timesand theiroutcomes,toshowthat youarereallythinkingaboutyourdecision. Youcanuseyourpastexperiencesto judgethecurrentsituation,decide the outcomeyouwant,and figureouthow toreachthatoutcome.
▪ Be a moreconsistent parent.
Yourchildwillknowthatyouarenot
makingdecisions basedonwhim, especiallyifyouexplainhowyoumade yourchoice.Yourchildwill bemore likelytocometo youwithquestionsor problemsifheorshehassomeideaof whattoexpectfromyou.Warm,concerned, andsensitive responseswillalsoincrease thelikelihoodofyourchildcoming toyou withquestionsorproblems.
Rememberthatconsistentparenting does
notmeaninflexibleparenting.
▪ Offeran example ofhow to makethoughtfuldecisions.
Asyourchildgetsolder,heorshewill knowyourdecision-making processandwill appreciatethetimeyou take.Yourchild mighteven patternhimorherself afteryou.
▪ Build a solidbut flexiblebond oftrust between you
and your child.
Asolidbondholdsupto toughsituations;aflexiblebondsurvivesthe changesinyourchild andinyourrelationshipwithyourchildthatare certainto occur.
Nowyoucaneither gototheexamples,orreadontolearntheP inRPM3.
Did
you know...?
As aparent, youcan
haveclosecontact with
yourchildfromthe
timeheorsheissmall.
Thattypeofcontact builds
trust;withtrustcomes
commitment. Parentswho
are committedtotheir
child’swellbeingcan
haveaverypositiveeffect
ontheir child.
P
Preventing
risky
behavior
or
problems
before
they
arise
Seemseasy enough.You“childproof”yourhouseto makesureyour crawlingbaby ortoddlercan’tgetinto thecleaningproductsorelectrical outlets.Youcatchyoureight-year-oldjumpingonthebedand makeher stop.You makeyour12-yearoldwearhishelmetwhenherideshisbike, nomatterhow“dumb”hethinksitmakeshimlook.
Butpreventiongoesbeyondjustsaying“no”or“stop.”Therearetwoparts toprevention:1)Spottingpossibleproblems;and 2)Knowinghowto work throughtheproblem. Let’slookat eachonealittlecloser.
Spotting possible problems
Considerthesemethodsforspottingproblems beforetheyturninto
full-blowncrises:
▪ Be actively involvedin your child’s life.
Thisisimportantforallparents,no matterwhattheliving arrangements. Knowinghowyourchildusually thinks,feels,andactswill helpyou tonoticewhenthings beginto change.Somechangesarepartof your child’sgrowingup,but otherscouldbe signsoftrouble.
▪ Setrealistic limitsand enforce them consistently.
RPM3
theoutcomeof hisor heractions;makesuretheharshnessofthe punishmentfitsyourchild’s“crime.”Asyourchildlearnshowlimits workandwhathappens whenheorshegoespastthose limits,he orshewilltrustyou tobe fair.
▪ Createhealthy waysforyour
child to express emotions.
Much“actingout”stemsfromchildren notknowinghowtohandle their emotions.Feelings canbe sointensethat usualmethodsofexpressingthemdon’t work.Or,becausefeelingslikeangeror sadnessareviewedas“bad,”yourchild maynotwanttoexpressthemopenly. Encourageyourchildtoexpressemotions inahealthyandpositive way;letyour child seeyoudoing thingstodealwith yourownemotions.Once thesefeelings areless powerful,talkto yourchildabout howheorshefeelsandwhy. Makesure yourchildknowsthatall emotionsare partofthepersonthatheorsheis, notjustthe“good”or happyones.Once yourchildknowshisorher rangeof emotions,heorshecanstartto learnhow to handlethem.
ofwhetheror notyou
livewithyourchild,
it’simportantthatyou
maintainapositive
relationshipwithhim or
her.Apositiverelationship
givesyourchildastable
environmentinwhichto
grow,so thatyouare one
ofthepeopleyourchild
learnstodepend on.
Knowing how to work through the problem
Becauseproblemsarequitedifferent,howyousolve themalsodiffers.To solvetoughproblems,youmayneed morecomplexmethods.Keepthese thingsinmindwhentryingtosolveaproblem:
▪ Knowthat youare not alone.
Talk tootherparentsor atrustedfriendorrelative. Someofthemmight bedealingwithorhavedealtwithsimilarthings.They mayhaveideason howto solveaproblem inaway youhaven’tthoughtof. Or,theymight shareyourfeelings,whichcanalsobe acomfort.
▪ Admitwhen aproblem isbigger than youcan handlealone
orrequires specialexpertise.
No oneexpectsyoutosolve everyproblemyourfamilyhasbyyourself. Someproblemsarejusttoobig tohandlealone,notbecauseyou’re a“bad”parent,butsimply becauseofthenatureof theproblem. Be realisticaboutwhatyoucanand can’tdoonyourown.
▪ Get outsidehelp, if needed.
There willbe timeswhenyoujustwon’tknowhowto helpyourchild; othertimes,you trulywon’tbe abletohelpyourchild.That’sokay; someoneelsemayknowhowto help.Useall theresourcesyouhave tosolveaproblem,including gettingoutsidehelpwhenyouneedit. Rememberthatit’snotimportanthowaproblem issolved,justthatitis.
Where can I go for parenting help?
▪ Otherparents
▪ Family membersand relatives
▪ Friends
▪ Pediatricians
▪ Schoolnurses andcounselors
▪ Socialworkers andagencies
▪ Psychologistsand psychiatrists
▪ Pastors,priests, rabbis, andministers
▪ Community groups
Ifyou’dlike,turn tothesectionthatmatchesyourchild’sage toread moreabouthowsomeparentshaveincludedpreventing intheirdaily parentingroutine.Oryou canreadonto learnabouttheM3 inRPM3.
TheM3 inRPM3describesthreecomplex,but centralprinciples ofparenting:monitoring, mentoring, and modeling.Manypeople areconfusedbythesewordsbecausetheyseemsimilar,buttheyarereally verydifferent.Itmightbeeasiertounderstandtheseideasifyou think ofthemthisway:
▪ Being amonitor meansthatyoupaycarefulattention toyour
childandhisorher surroundings,especiallyhisorhergroupsof friendsandpeersandingettingusedto school.
▪ Being amentormeans thatyouactivelyhelpyourchildlearn
moreabouthimorherself,howtheworldworks,andhisorher role inthatworld.Asamentor,youwill alsosupportyourchildashe orshelearns.
▪ Being amodel meansthatyouuseyourownwordsand actions
asexamplesthatshowyourbeliefs,values,and attitudesinactionfor yourchild onadailybasis.
Nowlet’slookat eachone moreclosely.Monitoring yourchild seems straightforward,solet’sstartthere.
RPM3
M
Monitoring
your
child’s
contact
with
his
or
her
surrounding
world
Doyouneed tobe asuperherowithx-rayvisionandeyesintheback ofyourheadto beacarefulmonitor? Ofcoursenot.You don’tneedto bewithyourchildeveryminute ofeveryday,either.Beingacareful monitorcombinesasking questionsand payingattention,withmaking decisions,settinglimits,and encouragingyourchild’spositive choices whenyouaren’tthere.
Whenyourchildisyoung,monitoringseems easybecauseyou arethe onemaking mostofthedecisions.You decidewhocaresforyourchild; youdecide whatyourchildwatchesorlistensto;youdecidewho your
childplayswith.Ifsomethingorsomeonecomes incontactwithyourchild,you’reusually one of thefirst toknow.
Things maychangeasyourchildgets older,especiallyafterschoolbeginsand into thepre-teenand teenyears.Askidsbegin tolearnabouttheir ownpersonalities, theysometimesclashwiththeirparents’ personalities.Aparent’sabilityto actively monitorisoftenone ofthefirst things tosufferfromthisclash.
RPM3
Beinganactivemonitor canbeassimpleasanswering somebasic
questions:
Youwon’talwayshave detailedanswers tothesequestions,butit’s
importanttoknowmost oftheanswers,mostofthetime.
Youmayalsowanttokeep thesethingsinmindwhenbeing an
activemonitor:
▪ Openthe lines ofcommunication when your child
is young and keepthose linesopen.
Itseems obvious,buthonestcommunicationiscrucial.Whenyour childisyoung,talkopenly aboutthingsyou dowhenyou aren’twith yourchild;then askyourchildwhat heorshedoesduringthose times.Asyourchildgetsolder,keepupthistypeofcommunication. Bothyou andyourchildhaveto takepartinopen,two-way
communication.
▪ Tellyour child what thoughts and ideals youvalue
and why.
Forinstance,ifbeing respectfulto adultsisanideal youwant yourchildtohave,tell himor her;evenmoreimportantly,tellhim orherwhy youthinkit’simportant.Don’tassumethatyourchild knowsyourreasonsforvaluingone practiceorwayofbehaving overanother.
▪ Know what your child is watching,
reading, playing,or listeningto.
BecauseTV,movies,video games,theInternet,and musicaresuchalargepartofmanyofourlives, theycanhave ahugeinfluenceon kids.Besure youknowwhat yourchild’sinfluencesare.You can’thelpyourchildmakepositivechoicesifyou don’tknowwhat websitesheorshevisitsor whatheorshereads,listensto,watches,orplays.
▪ Know the people your child
spendstime with.
Becauseyoucan’t bewithyourchildall thetime, youshouldknowwho iswithyourchildwhen you’renot.Friendshave abiginfluenceon your child,frompre-schoolwellintoadulthood. Muchof thetime,thisinfluenceispositive,but notalways.Withalittleeffortfromyou,your childmightsurroundhimorherselfwithfriends whosevalues,interests,andbehaviorswillbe “pluses”inyourchild’slife.Yourchildalsospends alotoftime withhisorherteachers.Teachersplayavital roleinyour child’sdevelopmentand overallwell-being,sogettoknowyourchild’s teachers,too.
▪ Givedirection withoutbeing rigid.
Insomecases,notbeingallowed todosomethingonlymakesyour childwantto doit more.Istheanswerjustplain“no”ordoesitdepend onthecircumstances?“Yes,but onlyif...”isausefuloptionwhen making decisions.
To findouthowsomeparentsusemonitoring intheir dailyparenting practices,turntothesectionofthisbookletthatrelatestoyourchild’s age.Oryoucan readonto learnaboutmentoring.
RPM3
A special note to those of you with pre-teens or teenagers4,5
Keep in mindthat even ifyou’re themostcareful monitor, your child mayhave friends andintereststhat you don’t understandor don’t approve of.You may notlikethe musicshelistens to,or theclothes hewears, orthegroup she“hangs out” with. Some of thesefeelings are a regular partof therelationship between children andadults. Beforeyou take away the musicorforbid yourchild to see that friend, ask yourselfthis question:
Is this (person, music, TVshow) a destructive influence?
Inotherwords, isyour child hurtinganyone orbeing hurt bywhat heorshe isdoing, listeningto,wearing, orwhoheorshe is spending timewith? If theanswer is“no,” you maywant to think beforeyou act, perhapsgivingyour child someleeway. It’slikely that taking musicaway, notletting yourchild watch a certainshow, orbarring yourchild from spending timewitha friend willcreate a conflict between you andyour child. Makesure thatthe issue is important enoughto insistupon. Thinkabout whether youractions willhelp orhurt your relationship withyour child, orwhether your actionsare necessary foryour child to develophealthy attitudes and behaviors. You maydecide thatsetting a volumelimit forthe radio is betterthanhaving a fightaboutyour child’s choiceof music.
Beingyourchild’smentorcankeepyourchildfrom beinghurtbyencouraging himorherto actinreasonableways.Nowlet’sthinkaboutmentoring.
M
Mentoring
your
child
to
support
and
encourage
desired
behaviors
Whenyouweregrowingup,didyouhaveaspecialperson yourlife
whodidthingswithyou,gaveyou advice,orwasagoodlistener ?
Thispersonmayhavebeen arelative
orfriendofthefamilywho wasolderthan
you.Ifso,then youhadamentor.
Sincetheearly1980s,formalmentoring
programsthatpairchildrenwithcaring
mentorshavebeenhighlysuccessful.
Mentoring,whetheraninformalrelationship oraformalprogram,hasafocusedgoal:
guidingchildrenthroughadolescenceso
theycanbecome happy,healthyadults.
Youmayknowthatallchildrenneed mentors,butdidyouknowthatparents
makegreatmentors?
Whatdoes it mean to be a mentor?
Amentorissomeonewho providessupport,guidance,friendship,and
respectto achild.
Soundsgreat.Butwhatdoesthatmean?
Beingamentorislikebeingacoachofasportsteam.Acaringcoach seesthestrengthsandweaknessesofeachplayer andtriestobuildthose strengthsandlessenthoseweaknesses.Inpractice,coachesstand back andwatchtheaction,givingadviceon whattheplayers shoulddonext, butknowingthattheplayers maketheir owngame-timedecisions.
Mentors
help
kids
reach
their
full
potential,
which
includes
mistakes
and
tears,
as
well
as
successes
RPM3
Coacheshonestlypointoutthingsthatcanbe donebetterand praise thingsthataredonewell.Coacheslistento theirplayers andearnplayers’ trust.Theygivetheirplayers aplaceto turnwhenthings gettough.
Mentorsdothesamethings: developachild’sstrengths;shareachild’s
interests;offer adviceandsupport;givepraise;listen;be afriend.
Mentorshelpkidstoreachtheirfullpotential,whichincludesmistakes
andtears,aswellassuccessesand smiles.Mentorsknowthatsmallfailures
oftenprecedemajorsuccesses;knowing
thisfact,theyencouragekidstokeeptrying
becausethosesuccessesarerightaround
thecorner.
Whatcan I do to be a mentor?
There isnomagic wandthatturns
peopleintocaring mentors.Justspending
time withyourchildhelpsyoubecome
amentor.Youcan doordinarythingswith
yourchild,likegoinggroceryshopping
together;youcandospecialthingswith
yourchild,likegoingto amuseum or
aconcerttogether.Theimportantpartis
thatyou dothingstogether,whichincludes
communicatingwithone another.
Did
you know...?
Kids whohave
mentorsare less
likely to takepart in
risky behaviors.
Children whohave
mentorsare 46 percent
lesslikelyto useillegal
drugs,27percentless
likelytouse alcohol,and
52 percentlesslikelyto
skipschoolthankidswho
don’thavementors.Kids
withmentorsalso report
thattheyaremore
confident oftheir school
performance,morelikely
togetalongwithothers,
andless likelytohit
someone.
BigBrothersBigSisters
Youmaywantto keepthesethingsinmind asyouthinkaboutbeingamentor:
▪ Be honest aboutyour own
strengths and weaknesses.
Ifyou knowtheanswertoaquestion, sayso;ifyou don’t,sayso.To build atrusting,but real,relationshipwith yourchild,youonlyhave tobe human.Allhumansmakemistakes; youhave,and yourchild will,too. Yourchildcan benefitfromhearing aboutyourmistakes,including whatyouthoughtbeforeyoumade them,howyourthoughtschanged afteryoumade them,andhow
youchangedyourthoughtsorbehaviors toavoid theminthefuture.Achild whothinkshisorherparentisperfect buildsexpectationsthatparentscan’t possiblylive upto.
▪ Respect your child’s thoughts
and opinions withoutjudging them.
Evenifyoudon’t agreewithyourchild, makeitclear thatyou wantto knowwhat hisorher thoughtsare,withoutthethreat of punishment.Ifyourchildis afraidof being punished,heorshemaystopsharing thingsentirely. Letdifferentpoints-of-view co-existforawhile;theywill allowyourchildto thinkmoreaboutan issue.Rememberthatthereis animportantdifferencebetween, “Idisagree withyou,”and“You’rewrong.”
Did
you
know...?
whoareharshintheir
disapprovalmayhurt
theirchildren’sselfesteem;
parentswhonever express
disapprovalmayraise
childrenwhocan’t deal
withanycriticism.Tryto
findabalancebetween
expressionsofapproval
anddisapproval.Be
consistentinyourrewards
▪ Support your child’s interestsand
strengths, butdon’t force things.
Kidsspend theirchildhoodtrying to figure outwhotheyare,howtheworld works,andhowtheyfitintothatworld. Makesureyourchildhasenoughroom to explore.Ifyourchildhasnointerest inanactivity ortopic,don’tpush. Yourchildwill soonbeginto dreadthe “forcedactivity”and willfindwaysto getoutofdoing it.
▪ Introduce your child to thingsthat
you liketo do.
Thisis ausefulway foryourchildto learn moreaboutyou.It’ssometimes hard forkidstopicture theirparentsdoing thingsthatotherpeopledo,likeplaying aninstrument,volunteeringat a
nursing home,watching movies,playing asport,orknowingaboutart.Ifyour childsees youdoing thesethings,you become moreofa“regularperson,”rather than“just aparent.”
Toread moreabouthowsomeparentsfit
mentoring intotheirdailyparenting
activities,turntothesectionof thebooklet thatrelatestoyourchild’sage.Or,readon to learnaboutmodeling.
RPM3
Mentoringgiveskidsthesupport theyneedto becomethepeoplethey aremeantto be.Butwhataboutyou? Areyoutheperson youwanttobe? Takesometimeto thinkaboutbecomingabettermodel foryourchild.
Did
you know...?
forparentstokeep the
linesofcommunication
open,so thatvital
adviceandfeedback
getstotheir children.
M
Modeling
your
own
behavior
to
provide
a
consistent,positive
example
for
your
child
When I grow up, I want to be just like you.
Hasyourchildeversaidthisto you?
It’sabittersweetstatement foraparentto hear.On theone hand,it’s touchingto haveyourchildlook upto youinthisway;ontheother, beingarolemodelcomeswithgreatresponsibility.
Role modelscomeinallshapesandsizes; theydoall kindsofjobs; theycomefromany country orcity.Somechildrenview athletes astheirrolemodels;otherchildrenlookupto authorsorscientists.And,believeitor not, manychildrensee theirparentsasrolemodels.
Alltoo often,parentingbehavior isguidedby adults reactingtotheir ownchildhoods;that is,manyparentsthink:I don’tever wantto be like myparents;oritwasgood enoughfor me,soit’sgoodenough formy kids.Rememberthatreactinginsteadof respondingpreventsyoufrom makingdecisionsthatcanchangethe outcomeofasituation.Tobeamoreeffective,consistent,active,and attentiveparent,it’sbest tofocusonyourchildrenand theirlives.
Does thismean thatyouhavetobe perfectsoyourchildwill growup to beperfect,too?Ofcourse not.Nooneis perfect.But,you doneed to figureoutwhatkind ofexampleyou aresettingforyourchild.
You may want to be the kind of role model who does the following:
RPM3
▪ Do asyou sayand sayas youdo.
Children wantto actliketheir role models,notjusttalklike them.Children learn asmuch,ifnotmorefromyour actionsastheydofromyourwords. Don’tjusttellyourchild tocall homeif heorsheis goingtobe late;makesure thatyou callhome whenyou knowyou’re goingto belate. Don’tjusttellyourchild not toshoutatyou;don’tshoutat yourchildor atothers.Thiskindof consistencyhelpsyourchildform reliable patterns oftherelationshipbetween attitudes andactions.
▪ Show respectforother people,
including your child.
Formanychildren,thewordrespect
is hardto understand.It’snotsomething they cantouchor feel,but it’sstilla very importantconcept.To helpyour child learnaboutrespect,you may wantto pointoutwhenyouarebeing respectful.Forinstance,whenyour child startstopickouthisorherown clothes,you canshowrespectfor those choices. Tellyourchild, “That wouldn’t havebeenmy choice,but I respectyourdecisiontowearthat plaid shirtwiththose stripedpants.”
Did
you
know...?
Childrenare
greatcopycats.1,3,14
Haveyoueversaid a
cursewordinfront
ofyourchild,onlytohear
himor herrepeatingthat
wordlater (usuallyat
theworst possibletime)?
Kidsarehighly imitative,
withbothwords and
actions.Ifyouare
aggressive,yourchild
maycopyyoutobe
aggressive,too.Ifyouare
verysocial,yourchildwill
probablybeverysocial,
too.Makesureyouare
astrong, consistent,and
positiverolemodel,to
fosterbetterbehaviors in
yourchild.
▪ Be honest withyour child about
how youare feeling.
Adultsgetconfusedaboutemotionsallthe time,soit’sno surprisethatchildrenmight getconfused,too.Forinstance,youmight haveashorttemperafterareallystressfulday at work,but yourchildmightthinkyouare angrywithhimor her.Ifyou findyourself actingdifferently thanyou usuallydo,explain to yourchildthatheor sheisn’tto blame foryourchangein“typical”behavior;your childcan evenhelpyoubylighteningyour moodoralteringyourattitude. Youcan prevent alot ofhurtfeelingsand confusion bybeinghonestwithyourchildaboutyour ownemotions.
▪ Make sureyour child knows
that being angrydoes not mean,
“not loving.”
Disagreementsand argumentsareanormal partofmostrelationships.Butmanychildren can’tseparatelove fromanger;theyassume thatifyouyellat them,then youdon’tlove themanymore.Evenifyou thinkyour childhas asolidgrasp ofemotions,you maywanttobe specificaboutthispoint. Otherwise,youruntheriskofhaving yourchildthinkheorsheisnotlovedevery time youhaveadisagreement.Mostofall, be alertto changesinyourchild’semotions soyoucan“coach”yourchildthrough moments ofangerorsadnesswithout brushing-offtheemotionorignoring it.
Did
you
know...?
eachother. Yourchildsees
howyouworkthrough
everydayissuesand uses
yourinteractionsasthe
basisforhisor herown
behaviorinrelationships.
Thenexttimeyouinteract
withyourspouse,ex
spouse,orsignificantother,
askyourselfwhether or
notyouare providinga
positiveexampleforyour
child.Doyouwantyour
child toactthe same
wayyouareactingwith
thatpersonor another
person? Ifnot,youmay
wanttoreconsideryour
▪ Pinpoint thingsthat youwouldn’t
want your child’s role model
to do, and makesure youaren’t
doing them.
Forinstance,supposeyourchildviewsa sportsplayerashisorher rolemodel. Ifyoufoundoutthatplayerusedillegal drugs orwasverballyor physically abusivetoothers,wouldyoustillwant yourchildto lookuptothatperson? Probably not.Nowapplythatsame standardto yourownactions. Ifyoudon’t wantyourchildtosmoke,thenyou should notsmoke. Ifyouwantyourchildtobe ontime forschool,makesureyouareon time forworkand othermeetings. Ifyou don’t wantyourchildto usecursewords, then don’tusethosewordsinfront of yourchild.Reviewing yourownconduct means beinghonestwithyourself,about yourself. Youmayneedto makesome changesinhowyouact,but bothyouand yourchildwill benefitintheend.
RPM3
Did
you
know...?
Howyou feelaffects
your child.6,9
Yourchild tunesintoyour
thoughts,feelings, and
attitudes.He orshecan
sensehowyoufeelabout
something,even ifyour
wordssaythatyouare
feelingsomethingdifferent.
Soanegative reactionor
outburstfrom yourchild
maynotbe withoutreason.
Itcouldbe yourchild’s
wayoftellingyouhow
youfeel.
Now
what
should
I
do
?
Nowthatyouknow aboutRPM3,it’stimetoputtheseideasinto action. Findthesectionthatmatchesyourchild’sageand readthroughitto see howparentslikeyou havebroughtRPM3into theirlives.Takesometime tothinkabouttheexamples,answer therelatedquestions,and make decisionsabouthowRPM3canfitinto yourstyleofparenting ona dailybasis.
0-3
Responding
to
your
child
in
an
appropriate
manner
YEARS
Theexamplebelowwillgiveyouabetterideaofwhatit meansto respondtoyourchildinanappropriatemanner.Asyou read,thinkabout thesequestions:
▪ Is the parent in the story reacting
or responding?
▪ Is her responseappropriate to the child’s age?
▪ Is her responseappropriate to the situation?
▪ How might you respond to your child
in the same situation?
Caroline
and
Abby
(Age
1
1
/
2
)
7What’s the Story? Abbyspendsthedayatadaycare centerwhile
Carolineisatwork; Carolinedropsheroffat7:30a.m.andreturns forherat
5:30p.m. Whentheyget homeintheevening,Caroline getsdinnerready
whileAbbysitsinherhighchair. CarolinekeepsthechairturnedsothatAbby
isfacingherwhileshecooks,sothattheycanwatch,smileat,andtalkto
eachother.
IttakesCaroline alittle longertomake dinnerbecausesheoftenstopsto play
peek-a-booorbends downto talktoAbby ather eye-level. Theyhavetheir
ownconversations,inwhichAbby“talks” andCaroline “answers.” IfAbbyis
crankyor upset,Caroline usesthistimetocalm herdownand figureout why
she’sbeingfussy.Caroline hasfoundmanywaystokeep Abbycalm asaresult
ofthisdinnertimecontact, thatarealsohelpful whenthe twoare outofthe
Caroline Says:ThattimewithAbby,whileI’mcooking,is reallyimportant
tome.I canconnectwithher, getto knowherbetter. I lookforwardto it,
evenaftera fulldayatwork.Ithashelped metolearnwhatshelikesand
whatshedoesn’t.
What’s the Point? Carolineis rightabout theimportanceofher
dinner-timecontactwithAbby. Researchshowsthat childrenneedto spendpositive,
engaging,playful timewiththeirparentseachday.1 This“special”time
allowsparentsto bondwithchildren, tolearnwhatmakesthemsmile
orlaugh,what kindsofnoisestheyrespond
to,howtheyrespond, andwhatfeelings
theirtoddlers’“words” convey.Early
andconsistentcommunicationbetween
parentandchild isessentialtoforming
attachments,aswellastobuilding
betteremotional,intellectual,andsocial development. Setting asidethiskindof timeevery dayalso letskidslearn
abouttheirparents. Theycantunein
tofacialexpressions, bodylanguage,
andtone-of-voicetoknow theircaretakersbetter.
0
-3
YEARS
I would love to do this with my child, but...6
... my child just won’t sit still that long.
... I don’t have time to cook, so we eat out most of the time.
... my kitchen is too small for everyone to fit.
... my child eats dinner with another caretaker.
... I sometimes work the afternoon and evening shift
and am not always home for dinner.
... I have to drive my other children to their after-school
activities.
... I don’t get home from work until late in the evening.
Inaperfectworld,youcouldspend allday,everydaywithyourchild,never missingamealoramomentoftogetherness.Intherealworld,however, thisis oftennotthecase.Regardless ofhowyoumanageit,you shouldtry tomaketimeforthiskindofinteraction withyourchildevery day.The specificsof where,how,orwhenyou spendtimewithyourchildaren’t as importantastheactualtime youspend withyourchild.
Preventing
risky
behaviors
or
problems
before
they
arise
Thenextstoryshowshowyoumightpreventproblemsbeforetheyarise. Asyouread,thinkaboutthesequestions:
▪ Are the parents active in their child’s life?
▪ Is the problem bigger than the parents can
handle alone?
▪ Should the parents seek outside help?
▪ Howmight you handle a similar situation with
your child?
Molly,
Ron,
and
Stefanie
(Age
4
weeks)
7What’s the Story? StefanieisMollyandRon’sfirstchild. BeforeStefanie
was born,thecouple plannedforMollyto takethreemonthsofparentalleave
fromher jobafterthebabywas born. Now,onlya fewweeksafterStefanie’s
birth,Mollyishavingproblems
caringforthebaby.
Ron Says: Mollyjust
doesn’tseemto wantto be
withStefanie.Thereare
timeswhenIwalk inthe
doorandhearStef
wailingbecauseshe’s
hungryorneedstobe
changed; then Ifind
thatMollyis sittinginthe
Sometimessheforgetsto feedStef—howcanyouforget tofeed ababy?66I’m worriedthatStefanie isn’tgettingget theattentionsheneedsduringthe day.
Imean,sometimesMollydoesn’tevenget dressedduringthe day.IwishIknew
howtomake thingsbetterfor allofus.
Molly Says: Iknowthat alot ofwomen dothemomthingeveryday, butI’m
justnotasgood atitastheyare. Sometimes, it’slikenothing Idoisenough forher. I tryholding her,rocking her,feedingher,playingwith her,butshestill cries. Ican’tdoanythingright.
What’s the Point? Whileit’struethatmillionsofwomen “dothe mom
thing”everyday,noneofthemwouldsayit’seasy.Being amother takesa lot
ofgettingusedto;infact,beinga parenttakesa lotofgettingusedto.
Butitsounds likeMollyisgoing throughmorethan gettingusedtobeing anew
mom. For nearly10percentofwomen whoarepregnantor givebirth,the
weightofbeing anew momisdoubledby post-partumdepression, anillness
thatresultsfromhormonalchangesrelated topregnancyandgivingbirth.15
Womenwithpost-partumdepressionneedmorehelp thantheirspouses or
partnerscangive,morethantheycangive themselves,actually. Formany
womenlikeMolly,professionaltreatmentfroma psychiatristorothermental
healthprofessionalisthebestwaytobeattheso-called“babyblues.”
Ifanyparent,nomatterwhat theirgenderis,finds ithardto relatewiththeir childina playful,positiveway,thentheyshouldseek outsidehelp immediately.
Mollyand Ronmightwantto talktoher obstetricianabouthowtheyare feeling
andhowthings aregoing. Thedoctor mayhavesome ideasthatcouldhelp,
likehiring ababysitter afewdayseachweek,orhavingeachparenttake
“alonetime”during theweek. Thedoctor mightalsorefer themtoa psychiatrist
oranother mentalhealthprofessionalsotheycangethelp throughcounseling
andmedication.
Havingababy changeseverypart ofparents’lives,includingtheirrelationship
toeachother. Many times,one orbothparentshavea hardtimeadjustingto
allthechanges. Parents shouldknow thattheiremotionalhealthhas abig
impactontheirchild’semotional health. Gettinghelp rightawayis thebestway
Monitoring
your
child’s
contact
with
his
or
her
surroundings
Howcanyoube acarefulmonitor?Thisnextexamplemayhelpyoudecide. Asyouread,thinkaboutthesequestions:
▪ Is the parent being an active monitor?
▪ Is she being flexible?
▪ Does she know who the child is spending time with
or what the child is doing when she’s not there?
▪ How might you handle a similar situation with
your child?
Maria
and
Luis
(Age
9
Months)
What’s the Story? Mariaistakingherson,Luis,to hisfirstmorning ofday
care. Shesignedup withthecenterseveral monthsago,becauseithadthebest
location,andvisited thecenteronce duringthelastmonth. Mariaknowsthat
state lawrequires thatdaycarecentershaveathree-to-one ratioforchildren underone yearofage—thatis,onedaycarestaffpersonwillcare forherLuis
and onlytwootherchildrenhis age. Shefeelsbetterknowinghewillgetmore
personalizedcare throughouttheday. WhenMariacalls thecenterduringthe
dayto seehowLuisisdoing,thestaffperson onlyreplieswith,“He’s fine.”
Whenshepicksup Luisafterwork,thestaffperson doesn’tsayverymuchabout
his dayandseems toshufflemother andchild outthedoor. Maria noticesthat
Luis iskindofcrankyandwonderswhathis daywasreallylike.
Maria Says: It tookmealongtimeto decidewhetheror notIwasgoing
to putLuisintodaycare. It’seven hardernowtoknow whetherI madetheright
decision. It’sfrustratingnotknowingwhat isgoingoninmybaby’sday. How
canI knowthathe’sbeing caredforwhenIcan’tbethere?
0
-3
YEARS
What’s the Point? Thebestwayto makesureLuisgetsthecare Maria
wantshimtohaveisto knowasmuch aboutthedaycare centerandthe
peoplewhoworkthereaspossible. Mariaisherson’sbestdefenseagainst
poorcare,butonlyif sheisactively monitoringhissurroundings. Some
daycarecentersprovideadaily diaryofeverychild’s day—whentheyfed
thebaby,whentheychangedthebaby,whoplayedwith thebaby,andwhat
theyplayedwith. IfMariahadaskedmorequestionsaboutthe dailyroutine
ofthecenterwhenshewentforher visit,shecould’vefoundout whetherthe
centerofferedthattypeofreport. Ifsheknewthecenter didnotkeepa
diaryforeachchild,shecouldhavemadeotherarrangementsforLuisat
acenter thatdidofferthedailyreport.
Ifyoudecidetoplaceyour childintodaycare,learnasmuch asyoucan
aboutthe centeranditsworkersbeforeyoutakeyourchild there. Decide
whatfeatures youmusthaveinadaycare center. Youmay
wantyourchild toget alot ofone-on-oneattention;or you
maywantyour childto bearoundkidsthesameageso
thatheorshecanbuildsocialskills. You maywant
areport ofwhat happenstoyour child
throughoutthe day. Remember,though,
thatmoreattentivecare oftencostsmorethan thealternatives.
Onceyouknowwhat youwant,findaplace
thatmeetsallyour needs. Visitthecenter
beforesigninganypapersorgivinganymoney.
Ifyou can,make oneortwounannounced visits
to thecenter,sothatyou canseehowwellitruns on
a normalday. Contactyour locallicensingagencyto makesurethecenterhas
all ofthe requiredlicensesand permits;findoutif therehavebeenany
problemsreported forthecenteror itsemployees. Youcanalsoask theday
care centerstafffor references,whichallowsyou tochecktheirworkhistories.
Themoreworkyoudoupfront,themorepleasedyouwillbe withthecare
Mentoring
your
child
to
support
and
encourage
desired
behaviors
Nowlook atthisexampleofparentsbeingmentors.Asyou read,think aboutthesequestions:
▪ Are these parents being thoughtful mentors?
▪ Are they being honest about themselves?
▪ Are they judging their child?
▪ Are the parents supporting the child’s interest or
forcing the child to develop one?
▪ Howmight you handle a similar situation with
your child?
LiMing,Yeung,
and
Chang
(Age 3)
4What’s the Story? Readingisa bigpart ofLiMing andYeung’s lives.
Theybothenjoyreadinganddoitasoftenastheycan,usuallyreading
atnightinsteadofwatchingTV. WhenChangwasborn,theyasked their
healthcare provideraboutreadingto him. Whenshouldtheystartreading
tohim? Whenwillhestarttoreadonhisown? What isthebestwayfor
themtohelp himlearnto read? Now theytrytoreadtoChangevery night
beforehegoes tosleep.
LiMing Says: Eversince Iwasyoung,I’ve alwayslikedto read. When
YeungandI gottogether,readingwasone ofthe thingsweshared. Itseemed
onlynaturalforustoextendour passionforreadingtoChang.
0
-3
YEARS
Yeung Says: IthinkChanglikesreading,too. Hehelps turnthepages,
pointsto thepicturesherecognizes,and chatters. Heknowswhat isgoingto
happennextand tellsmewhenI’ve skippedsomething. He’sbeginning to
recognizetheletters andtheirsounds. Hehas his favoritebooksandwants
tohearthemagainandagain.
What’s the Point? LiMingand Yeunghavegiven alot ofthoughtto being
Chang’smentors. By readingtoChang, theyintroducedhimtooneoftheir
interests. Theyencouragehimtochoose hisownstoriesand tointeract with
themandwiththe bookwhilethey’rereading. As hegetsolder,Changwill
knowthathis parentsreada greatdeal. Hemay decideto joinhisparentsin
theirhobby.
Theymaynotknowit,butLiMing
andYeung arealso helping
Changbuildhis readingskills.
Studiesshow that,inthe US,
morethan 50percentofchildren
are readto bya familymember
every day.8 Inthese studies,
family readingisrelated tobetter
readingcomprehensionand
greaterschoolsuccess.
Readingtoyour childalso
improveshis orher emergent
literacy—theknowledge that
thewordsprintedinbookshave
meaning. Oneofthekeyfactors
inemergentliteracyisbeing ableto recognizeletters ofthe alphabet;other
factorsincludeknowingthesounds oflettersatthebeginningand endofwords.
Readingto yourchildimproves theseskills,whichcanimproveyour child’s
Modeling
your
own
behavior
to
provide
a
consistent,
positive
example
for
your
child
Takealookat thisexampleofaparentbeingamodel.Asyou read,think aboutthesequestions:
▪ Is this parent being a positive role model?
▪ Do his words and actions match?
▪ Is he being honest with himself about his own actions?
▪ How might you handle a similar situation with
your child?
Marco
and
Sabby (Age 2)
1,14What’s the Story? Marcocaresforhis sonSabbyontheweekends.Now
that Sabbyiswalking andtalking,Marco hastowatch himmorecloselyso
thathedoesn’tgetinto trouble.Afewweekendsago,Sabby stucka metal
bookmarkintoanelectricaloutletthatMarco leavesuncoveredsothathecan
pluginthecoffeemaker inthemorning. Sabbyblewout allthe fusesinthe
house,butluckilywas nothurt. DespiteMarco’sscolding, Sabbystill goesnear
theoutletwhenhegetsthechance.
Marco Says: Idon’tknowwhyhekeepsdoingit. I’ve toldhim“no”;I’ve said
“bad”;I’ve toldhimhecouldget reallyhurt. Buthestill goesoverto thatoutlet.
What’s the Point? Sabbymaystill showinterest intheoutletbecause
Marco’swordsdon’tmatchhisactions. Marco tellsSabby,“no”;butSabby
seesMarco putthe coffeemaker plugintotheoutlet. Sabbydoesn’tknow
thedifferencebetweentheplug that’ssupposedto gointhe outletandother
WhileSabbyis atthisage,Marco needsto covertheoutletwith asafety
coveranytimethe coffeemaker isnotpluggedin. ThenSabbywon’thavethe
chancetoget intoit. WhenSabby isa littleolder (threeor so),Marcocan
explainthedetailsofsafematerials, dangerousmaterials, andelectricaloutlets.
Hecouldalso tellSabby thatonlygrownupsare allowedtotouchelectric
outlets. It seemsasthoughMarco istryingto getthisacrossbysaying,“no” or
“bad,”butheonly assumesthatSabbyknowswhat hemeans. Kids,especially
youngchildren,willcopywhattheyseeeven iftheydon’tfullyunderstandit.
Sabby’sactionisa dangerousbehavior thatcouldcausehimseriousharm.
Responding
to
your
child
in
an
appropriate
manner
4-10
YEARS
Thestorybelowwill giveyou abetteridea ofwhatitmeansto respondto yourchildinan appropriatemanner.As youread,thinkaboutthesequestions:
▪ Is the parent in the story reacting or responding?
▪ Is his response appropriate to the child’s age?
▪ Is his response appropriate to the situation?
▪ How might you respond to your child in the same
situation?
Raj
and
Amira
(Age
8)
3What’s the Story? WhenRajdecidedto bea stay-at-homedad,his
daughterwas three. He setup aroutine fortheirdays,sothatAmirawould
alwaysknow whatwasgoingto happenandwhatwasexpectedofher.
Whenshestartedkindergarten,Rajchangedtheroutine tofitinthe
school-relatedactivities,suchasdoinghomework andreadingtogether.Nowthat
Amira’seight,she’smoreinterestedindoingthings withher schoolmates
andneighbors,such asplayingatherfriends’housesorgettinginvolvedin
acommunitysports team.ButRaj willnotlether takepart intheseactivities
becausehewantstokeepher onthe sameschedule.WhenRajsays“No”to
Amira,sheisdisappointedandwithdrawsfromhim.
Raj Says: Amirahasto getback onour schedule. It’s workedsowellall
thistime. Shehas beenup until8:30p.m.every nightthisweek. Onceweget
backontrack,thingswillbebetter.
What’s the Point? Rajis rightabout theneedforsolidroutinesand
schedules,butheforgotabouttheneedto beflexible. Youngerchildrendo
verywellwitha steadyschedule;itallows themtobecomerelaxedintheir
worldsandlearnwhattheirworldsexpectfromthem.
But,schedulesalsoneedto adapttonormalchangesthatoccuras kidsget
older. Amiraisjust startingtobuild friendships,akeyfeatureinnormal
socialgrowth. By now,herregular bedtimeshouldprobablybe8:00p.m.,
or8:30p.m.,depending onhowmuch sleepsheneeds. As Amiramatures,
she’llneed tobalanceschool, home,health,andher friends. Rajcanhelp
hercreateand maintainthatbalance,if heshowsherwhatitmeansto be
flexible.
Whenhestartedtheschedule,RajhadAmira’sbestinterestsinmind.With
someminorchanges,Raj’s schedulecanco-existwith Amira’sgrowthina way
Preventing
risky
behavior
or
problems
before
they
arise
Thenextexample showshowyou canpreventproblemsbeforetheyarise. Asyouread,askyourselfthesequestions:
▪ Is the parent active in the child’s life?
▪ Are the limits involved realistic?
▪ Are the limits being enforced consistently?
▪ How might you handle a similar situation with
your child?
Andre
and
Calvin
(Age
4)
1,4,10What’s the Story? Andrearrangedhis workschedulesothathecanspend
alldaySaturdaywithhis son,Calvin, every week. AfterlunchontheirSaturdays
together,AndreandCalvinspend timecleaningupCalvin’sroom. “What’s our
goal?”AndreasksCalvin. “Notoysonthefloor.” Calvinanswers.
AndreletsCalvinplaywhiletheyclean,butwithincertainlimitssothatCalvin
keepstheirgoalinsight. Andreuses aneggtimer toletCalvinknowwhen
it’splaytimeandwhenit’stimeto cleanup. He setsitforshortintervals,like10 or 15minutes,sothatCalvincanplaya littleand thencleanup alittle. Calvin
knowsthat whenhehears thebell,hehasto pickup atleastthreetoysandput
themaway. Andresetsand re-setsthetimerinfront ofCalvinandleavesitin
aplacewheretheycanbothseeit(andhearit). By theend oftheafternoon,
allofCalvin’stoysarepickedupoffthefloor.
4
-1
0
YEARS
Andre Says: Calvinneedstolearnabout goalsand limitssoheunderstands
moderation.I usethetimer becausehecansee,hear,and touchit. Eventhough
I’mtheonesettingthe timelimit,thetimer“enforces”it. Thiskeepshimfrom
gettingupsetwithme.
What’s the Point?
Settinggoalsandlimits
foryourchild isoneway
heorshecanlearnabout
boundaries. Achild
Calvin’sagehas aneasier
timelearningabout agoal
whenit’ssomething heor
shecansee,soit’sclear whenthejobisfinished. Andre’schoiceoflimit (playingversuscleaning) isalsorealistic; Calvinis
capableofpickingup
allthe toysfromthefloor. Thetimeroffersa constant
before-and-afterwayfor
Usingthetimer isagood idea,especially whendealingwith achild asyoung
asCalvin. It isa dependablewayforAndretoenforcethe limits. Because
Andreusessimilartimes, like10minutes orfiveminutes,Calvingetsusedto the
practice. And,thebell alwaysrings,whichprovidesmoreorderforCalvin.
Calvintoknowwhenhe’sreachedthelimit. Beforethebellgoesoff, thiswill happen;afterthebell rings,that willhappen. Thechild learnsthatafter thebell,
aftermomcountstothree,orafterdad countsto 10,somethinghappens. If
thechild reachesthegoal,thenpraiseandkindnessfollow;if not,some typeof
outcomeforgoingbeyondthe limitfollows,be ita scolding,a punishment,or
Monitoring
your
child’s
contact
with
his
or
her
surroundings
Howcanyoube acarefulmonitor?Thisnextexample mayhelp you decide.Asyou read,thinkaboutthesequestions:
▪ Is the caretaker being an active monitor?
▪ Is it clear why a value or behavior is desirable
or undesirable?
▪ Is the caretaker being flexible?
▪ Is the child’s behavior destructive?
▪ How might you handle a similar situation with
your child?
Keisha
and Tyrell
(Age 7)
1, 11What’s the Story? Keisha,whois 20,hasbeen takingcareofher brother
Tyrell sincetheirmother diedlastyear. Shelets Tyrellwatch TVwhileshegets dinner ready;afterdinner,theTVgoes off. Keishausuallyheads tothekitchen to startdinneraftershewatchesthefirstfewminutesofa showwith Tyrell. Lately,though,she’snoticed achange inthekindofshowsTyrellwatches.
Insteadofhis regularprograms,Tyrellnowwatchesa showthatKeishahasn’t
seenbefore.Oneevening, sheasksTyrell howheknowsabouttheshow. He
explainsthatheheard aboutitatschool.
Keisha Says: Ididn’t seeverymuchofitatfirst,butitdidn’tseemlikethe
kindofshow aseven-year-old wouldwatch. Itwasn’ta cartoon;itdidn’t have
anypuppetsor animals. So, Iaskedhimnottowatch ituntilIhada chance
toseethewhole show. Itoldhimhecouldeither watchoneofthe showsIhad
alreadyseen,orhecouldturntheTV offand play. Hewent offtoplayby
himself. It’s agood
even. Therewasa lot
oftalkabout sex,too. I knowTyrellwillbe
exposedtoviolencein
the realworld,but I don’twant himto startactinglikethe characters onthat
show. I don’twant himto
beignorantaboutsex,either,butIwant tobethe onetoteachhimaboutit. He
issimplynotallowedto watchthatshow.
What’s the Point? Keishahandledthiscaselikea seasonedmonitor.
First,shewatched thefirstfewminutesofTVwith Tyrell,toseewhathe was watching. Shealso paidattentiontothekindofshowsthatTyrell usually
watched,whichmadeiteasierforherto noticeachange. After shesaw
thechange,sheasked Tyrellhowheheardaboutthe newshow. And,she
watchedthe show,tomake surethat itwas okayforTyrellto watch.
Asitturnedout,theshow wasn’t somethingshewantedTyrellto see,soheis
nolongerallowedtowatchit.
To reallymakeherpointclear,Keishamightwant totalkto Tyrellaboutwhyshe
doesn’twanthimto watchtheshow. It maynotseemimportantforKeisha to
explainherreasonsnowbecauseTyrell issoyoung,butit’sa goodhabitforher
toget intoforwhenhegetsolder. Itmayalso helpTyrellto makebetter choices
Findingsomeviewing alternativesfor Tyrellwouldalsohelp Keishamakeher
point. Keishacanrentvideotaped moviesforTyrellwith messagesthatshefeels
are positive. Manyoftheprograms onpublictelevisionstationsare alsosmart
choices, althoughmanyareaimedatkids alittle youngerthanTyrell.
GivinghimtheoptionofnotwatchingTVatallisalso effective. Oftentimes, kids aren’treallyinterestedinwatchingTV,buttheycan’tthinkofanythingelse
to do. Simplytellingthemto turnofftheTVanddosomethingelsecanbe
a sourceforarguments. Offering a choicebetweenwatchingTVanddoing
something yourchild usuallyenjoysallows yourchild tomake hisor herown
decision. In manycases,yourchild willoptforplayingorcoloring. Your
child willappreciateyoursuggestionand yoursupport ofhisor herabilityto
make decisions.
4
-1
0
YEARS
Mentoring
your
child
to
support
and
encourage
desired
behaviors
Nowcheck outthisexample ofparentsbeing mentors.Asyouread, thinkaboutthesequestions:
▪ Is the parent being a thoughtful mentor?
▪ Is she being honest with herself?
▪ Is she judging her child?
▪ Is the parent developing the child’s interest or forcing
the child to develop an interest?
▪ How might you handle a similar situation with
your child?
Irit and Ari (Age 9)
What’s the Story? Ariis averyoutgoing boy,whojoinsmanyclubsand
groupsatonce. Atschool, hesignsup forscoutingtroops,sports teams,music
lessons;anythingthathehasn’t triedisinterestingtohim. Asa result,Ari leavesalot ofthingsunfinished,droppingout ofonethingto pursueanother.
AlthoughIritencouragesherson totrynewthings, sheis worriedabouthim
tryingtoomanythings atonce.
Irit Says: He doesn’tstayfocusedonanyonethinglong enoughtoknow
ifhelikesit. Hemaybe agiftedartist,or agracefulathlete,ora naturalleader. Butheneverstayswithone thinglongenoughtoreally learnitandgrow init.
What’s the Point? Ashis mentor,Iritshouldbehonest withAriabout her concerns. Sheisproud ofallthethings Aridoes,butshethinks heshouldtryto expandone ortwoofthoseinterests. Iritmay wanttoset somerulesto limit
the numberofclubs andsportsAri candoovera giventime. Aricandecide
for himselfwhichthing(orthings)hewantsto pursue. Iritmay wanttoget
involved insomeofthese thingsaswell,bybeing ascout leaderorbringing
snacksto gamesandpractices.
Ari alsoneedstolearnthatfinishing thingsis justasimportant astryingnew things. Here,again,Irit cansetup somerulesforAri. Forinstance,Iritcould limit thelessonsorhobbies thatcostmoney. IfAri choosestotakeadanceclass that costsmoney andlastsforsixweeks,then hehasto attendallsixweeks ofthe danceclass,even ifhelosesinterestafterthe firstweek. Or, shemay limit himto onlyone activitythatcarriesacost foracertaintime.Becausemost
hobbiescarrysome cost,Arican’t
doasmanythings at
once. He then hasto
focusononly afewthings
ata time.
It’salsoessentialthatIrit explainheractionsto Ari. Ifshelimitshishobbies withouttelling himwhy, Ari maythinkthathismother
doesn’twanthimtodo
anythingor haveanyfun.
Showingsupportis oneof
themainjobsofamentor.
Byexplainingher decision,Iritcanshow hersupportwhilekeeping thingsunder
control. She shouldalso makeitclearto Arithathedoesn’t havetobean
expertateverything. Iritcangive examplesofthingsshestartedbuteventually
stoppedbecausesheeither lostinterestinthem,orthey weren’tasrewardingas
otheractivities. Arineedsto knowthatit’sacceptableto dothings becauseyou wantto,evenifyou aren’tthebestatthem.
4
-1
0
YEARS
Modeling
your
own
behavior
to
provide
a
consistent,
positive
example
for
your
child
Takealook atthisexampleofparentsasmodels.Asyouread,consider thesequestions:
▪ Are these parents being positive role models?
▪ Do the parents’ words and actions match?
▪ Are the parents being respectful of others?
Of their children?
▪ Are these parents being honest with themselves
about their own actions?
▪ How might you handle a similar situation with
your child?
Andy,
Kristi,
Pat,
and
Jason
(Age 7)
2,3,4What’s the Story? Kristiand Andysplitupnearly fiveyearsago,when
theirsonJasonwastwo. Andyhasremarried,andKristi andJasonhavebeen
livingwith Patforthe lastthreeyears. Andy triestobeveryactive inhisson’s life,whichisa sourceofconflictforKristi. Shecan’tletgoofheranger
towardAndy andmakessourcommentsabout himinfront ofJason. When
Andycomes topick uphis son,Kristiusually startsanargumentwith him,
aboutchildsupport orthe timingofvisits. PattriestobufferKristi’s anger,but feelsthather attitudeisbad forallofthem,especiallyJason.
Pat Says: I’mnotsayingthatsheshouldforgiveandforgether timewith
Andy. Butattheveryleastsheshouldcurbher angerwhenJason’saround.
Thepoorkidisstuck inthemiddle. Jasonloveshis momandhis dad;heshould
issuethatisbestkeptbetweenKristi andAndy,butherattitudefillsour home with suchnegativitythatIsometimes havetochange thesubjectforJason’ssake.
Andformyownsake.
Kristi Says: Noonereally knowswhatAndyis like,exceptme. He’sthe
one wholeftmewitha toddlerandnomeansofsupport,withoutasecond
thought. PathasnoideawhatIwent through. I’mjust gettingJasonready
forthehurtanddisappointmentthathis fatheris sureto bring. It’s onlya matter
oftime beforehe leavesJason,too. Patjustdoesn’t know.
Andy Says: Kristiis out-of-control. I thoughtshehadfinallymovedonwhen
shemovedinwithPat, butI guessnot. YoucanseehowupsetJasongetswhen
shestarts sayingthosethings;it’swritten alloverhisface. Icantellitmakes Patuncomfortable, too. I’vetriedtomake itclearthatarguinginfrontofJason isnotacceptabletome. ButKristi neverstops. EventhoughItryto explain toJasonthathis momandmyargumentsaren’this fault,Iknowhe’shurt bythe wholesituation.
What’s the Point? It’shard foranychild tohearawful thingsabouthis or
herparentdayafterday;it’sevenworsewhentheotherparentisthe one
sayingthoseawfulthings. Jasonis lefthavingtochoose betweenhis mother
andhisfather. It’sanawful positionforachild tobeplaced in.
Despiteher claimsthatsheistrying toprepareJasonfordisappointment, Kristi’sactions aremorehurtfultohimthanhelpful. Itmakes sensethatshewants toprotectJason,buther actionsfocusonprotecting herself. She needsto see
thatthingsare nolongerabout herandAndy,butthatJasoniswhat’smost
important. Jasonneedsto beallowedtodevelophis ownrelationshipwith each
parent,one thatdoesn’tinvolvetheother. Hewillmakehis owndecisionsabout
hisfather andmotherand howactivehewantsthemto beinhislifeashegets
older. Kristi’s actionsmayforceJasonto limithistime withherlater inhislife.
Andy’spointaboutnotarguinginfrontofJasonisalso important. Again,
theissue isbetweenKristi andAndy; Jasonshouldnotbeinvolved,evenas
abystander. It’s painfulandconfusing forchildrentoheartheirparentsargue.
Theyoften blamethemselvesfortheirparents’wordsandactions,thinking
thatiftheybehaved betterordid betterinschool,then theirparentswould getalong. BothAndy andKristi needtoreassure Jasonthattheirfightingis
nothis fault. IfKristi is
unableor unwilling
to helpAndyconvey
thistoJason,maybe
Andy canenlist
Pat’shelp. Regardless
ofwhoreinforces
theidea,it’svitalfor
Jasonto know
thathis parents
haveproblems with
eachother,
11
-14
YEARS
Responding
to
your
child
in
an
appropriate
manner
Theexamplebelowwillgiveyouabetteridea ofwhatitmeans to respond toyourchildinanappropriatemanner.Asyou read,think aboutthesequestions:
▪ Are the parents in the story reacting
or responding?
▪ Is their response appropriate to the child’s age?
▪ Is their response appropriate to the situation?
▪ How might you respond to your child in the same
situation?
Nancy, Akira, and
Koji (Age 11)
4,6What’s the Story? Kojiis anactive, bright,11-year-oldboy. He plays
soccer inthearealeague, likescomputergames,and sleepsoverathis
friends’ houses. Healso “hates”anythingrelated toschool, especially
homework,and goesoutofhis wayto avoidall thingslinkedto school. His
parents,Nancy andAkira,knowthatKojiisavoiding hishomework andoften
punishhimtotryto changehis attitudeand behavior. Theresultis adailybattle.
Nancy Says: We’ve triedeverything. Wetellhim, “Doyour homework
ornoTV.” Or, “Doyourhomeworkor youcan’tgotoyourfriend’shouse.”
We’ve senthimtohis room,takenawayhis games,even senthimto tutors.
