W ESLEYAN H ERITAGE Library
Autobiographies/Biographies
T HE L IVES OF E ARLY M ETHODIST P REACHERS
V OL . VI
Edited By
Thomas Jackson
“Follow peace with all men, and holiness, without which no man shall see the Lord” Heb 12:14
Spreading Scriptural Holiness to the World
Wesleyan Heritage Publications
© 1998
THE LIVES OF
EARLY METHODIST PREACHERS
Chiefly Written By Themselves
Edited, With An Introductory Essay, By Thomas Jackson
Fourth Edition, With Additional Lives, In Six Volumes
Volume VI
London:
Wesleyan Conference Office, 2, Castle Street, City Road;
Sold At 66, Paternoster Row
1878
London:
Printed By William Nichols, 46, Hoxton Square
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THE LIVES OF EARLY METHODIST PREACHERS
By
THOMAS JACKSON.
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Digital Edition 09/16/97 By
Holiness Data Ministry
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THE LIVES OF EARLY METHODIST PREACHERS
By
THOMAS JACKSON.
CONTENTS
Life Of John Valton Life Of George Shadford
Life Of Jasper Robinson Life Of Thomas Hanson Life Of Robert Wilkinson Life Of Benjamin Rhodes Life Of Thomas Tennant
Life Of John Allen Life Of John Pritchard Life Of William Adams
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THE LIVES OF EARLY METHODIST PREACHERS
By
THOMAS JACKSON.
THE LIFE OF MR. JOHN VALTON, WRITTEN BY HIMSELF;
EDITED; WITH MANY ADDITIONS AND LETTERS, BY JOSEPH SUTCLIFFE, A.M.
"They that be wise shall shine as the brightness of the firmament; and they that turn many to righteousness, as the stars for ever and ever." (Dan. xii. 3.)
THE LIFE OF MR. JOHN VALTON
It is a remark of a judicious minister, that he read books in general to enlarge his knowledge and improve his mind, but he read Christian experience with a view to bring his heart into a good frame.
He was, certainly, correct; for nothing can excite and revive our piety more than models of the most enlivened piety. A personal knowledge of the subject of the following memoir enables me to say, with confidence, that he was such a model, while he remained in private life, as well as when he moved in a sphere of great usefulness, and and enlarged acquaintance with the church of God.
In the present age, our magazines and religious periodical narratives abound with experiences, which sometimes fail to excite that interest which is desirable in the religious world, because of the sameness of sentiment and expression which predominate in those accounts. And, with regard to virtuous persons recently deceased, those who collect the narratives are apt to overlook instructive deviations, and flatter the piety of the dead to please their families. The author of the following narrative will not, I think, be accused of this: we here see the man, the Christian, and the minister, as he was.
On this delicate subject, a noble lady on the Continent, being importuned to favor the church with some account of the great things which God had done for her soul, replied, "I could have wished that they had required me to publish, with the same exactitude, the greatness of my sins, and the dissipations of my life. This to me would have been much more consolatory. My hands being tied on this head, nothing remains but to conjure the reader ever to remember, that among all the saints converted to God, I do not remember one who is a greater debtor to redeeming grace. When I consider the resistance which I made to the grace of God, and the pleasure I seemed to take in resisting, I am overwhelmed at the idea of the patience and long-suffering of God towards me, who so long opposed His Spirit by the resistance of my nature."
Mr. Valton felt similar sentiments on the same occasion. Prior to his entrance on the ministry, he wrote his experience, in six volumes; but very much diminished his Journal amid the laborious
avocations of a Methodist preacher. This defect is in some sort supplied by a synopsis of his labors and experience, in a seventh volume. He left an additional manuscript, containing an account of his life and labors for the last ten years. This volume commences by a letter to the venerable Wesley, in these words:
"REV. AND DEAR SIR,
"I have long resisted your importunate desire to give you a short account of my experience, being desirous to conceal my insignificant life till I was no longer interested in the honor or dishonor that cometh of man. But your last letter on the subject, Connected with the same opinion of Mr. Fletcher, [Vicar of Madeley,] has at length convinced me, that I owe it to God and His church. I therefore humbly submit an extract to the perusal of candid people, imploring the benediction of God to accompany it."
Mr. Valton, respecting his family, observes a delicate silence. Though they were reduced, and in a dependent state, yet we gather from several circumstances that they were the remote branches of a noble house. Some of them had been distinguished in Church and State. On the invention of printing, when valuable manuscripts were eagerly sought for the press, one of the Valtons was possessed of an ancient copy of the Greek Testament, which contained the remarkable verse on the Trinity, (I John v. 7,) and which is denominated in our books of Biblical literature Codex Valtoni.
In a Compendium of Theology by Professor Turretin, reprinted at Amsterdam in 1695 4to. edition we have the following reply to the Arians, who say that the verse was foisted into the text: — "Nay it was extant as St. Jerome affirms in the most ancient Greek copies (Hieron in Epist Canon.:) and he notes further, copies of the best repute: — and Erasmus confesses, it was extant in the most ancient Copy of Britain, and in the most laudable editions; the copy of the Complute. of Antwerp, of Arias Montanus, of Valton, which are the best in use, have the place." Imo' antiquissimis codicibus Graecis extitisse notat Hieron. in prologo in epist. canon: et Erasmus fatetur, extare in codice Britannico vetustissimo; et laudatissimae editiones Complutensis, Antuerpiensis, Ariae Montani, Valtoni, quae optimis codicibus usae sunt, hunc locum habent.
Respecting the family of the Valtons, when at Midsomer-Norton, I learned from Mrs. Rooke, that Mr. Valton had once told her in free conversation, that his father had come to England as page in the suite of George the Second. — We shall now hear his own words:—
My parents were natives of France, and of the Roman Catholic communion. They came to London in the year 1738, two years before I was born; so that it was my providential lot to be born and[1]
brought up in England. I was first put to a dayschool to learn English; and then removed to the school of a priest, where a French woman was employed to teach that language. During my early years I was trained to a regular attendance at the Romish chapels in London, as were also my brother and sister.
When I was nine years old, my mother took me over to Boulogne, in France, and placed me under an abbot, who had a few boarders; giving him a particular charge to perfect me in the French language. The abbot used to say mass two or three times a week, at an adjacent chapel, and to employ two of his pupils to assist at the altar. In a while I was allowed to participate of that honor,
and was not a little proud to wear a surplice. In this school I remained six months, bowing to images of wood and stone, and wax, and imbibing the baneful potions of idolatry and superstition. My mother now coming over, took me with her from Boulogne to Paris; and being once in the church of Notre Dame, I was so delighted to hear the little choristers chant and sing, that I used my earnest endeavours with my mother to procure me a place among them; and she seemed willing to comply, but had no friend in the place to procure me the situation. As the priest with whom I had been entrusted rigorously observed all the fast-days of the saints, which half-starved the boys, I shrunk at the idea of returning, and prayed my mother to have me removed. She complied, and endeavored to place me in a convent of Jesuits. Not, however, agreeing on the terms, I was placed for three months longer at a private school, while she went to visit her friends in France. Here I can once remember with pain and praise making auricular confession, and receiving the absolution and benediction of my confessor. What a mercy that all this had not irrevocably grounded me in the errors and principles of the Romish Church, and indelibly stamped me a Papist! But God had determined otherwise, as the sequel will show.
My mother now brought me home to London, where having been for three months, my father was persuaded to place me at a grammar-school in Yorkshire, to perfect me in the rudiments of the Latin tongue. The clergyman who was head of the school, not knowing that I had been rigorously educated a Roman Catholic, sent me to church with his own sons. And I have often marveled that I should so readily comply. However, I can well remember that serious impressions were made very early on my mind; but I had no one to guide me in the way that I should go.
When about thirteen years of age, the Bishop of Chester came, and confirmed between two and three hundred young persons. I attended with these, and the bishop laid his hand on my head; but the next day my conscience sorely reproached me, and I thought I should be damned for what I had done, having been baptized a Papist. I was sorely troubled for a time; but it wore away.
In my fifteenth year, I happened to meet with Hervey's "Meditations;" and cast my eye on that part which treats of the resurrection of the dead. I was now sensibly affected, and resolved to amend my life, and to pray that the resurrection might be a welcome day to me. For several days I had a deep impression on my mind, and was careful not to offend God; but, alas! this also was soon effaced.
At seventeen years of age, I returned to London, and was placed in an academy to learn book-keeping. While here, I was appointed a clerk in the Office of Ordnance, and sent to Portsmouth; where God, in the midst of temptations, was pleased to restrain me in an extraordinary manner.
While here, a carpenter often came to heat his glue-pot at the office-fire. He being a Methodist, the clerks used to surround the fire, to have a little diversion with him. They would say, "Well, John, is there yet any hope for us? Shall we all be damned?" This would sometimes bring on serious discourse; but we, like the swine, trampled the pearls under our feet. He one day said, when I was out of the office, that he had some hopes of John: but though I then laughed at his words, I have since found that the bread cast on the water was found after many days.[2]
After residing for two years in Portsmouth, I was removed to Greenwich, still ignorant of the things which belonged to my peace. But I had not been there long before I was ordered to embark with the army for Portugal, as clerk of the stores, and assistant to the pay-master of the artillery.
Though a high martial spirit had made me a volunteer in embarkation, many fears soon assailed me, lest I should perish at sea, or fall in battle, and my soul become a prey to the worm that never dies.
What a pity that the good impressions on the minds of youth should be hid so much from the eyes of the church, and escape her fostering care!
After being in Portugal for nine months, peace being restored, the army was ordered home. During my stay in that country, I became intimate with some of the priests; and having a passion for splendor, the decorations of their churches, and the brilliant dresses of their images, occasioned my frequent visits; yet the issues were, that I felt no sorrow for having escaped the "mother of harlots."
On my return to England, a desk was again assigned me at Greenwich. I had not been here long before a sore trial made me think of God, and drove me to prayer for some days. In these exercises I found happiness, and a prospect of heaven, to which I thought I was then hastening. — [This is understood to have been a love affair, which greatly affected his health, and laid the foundation of that nervous complaint which more or less followed him to the grave.] — At this time Mr. Romaine's
"Sermon on the Dry Bones" providentially fell into my hands. It seemed fraught with impossibilities, that I should live conformably to what was there required, being surrounded with gay companions;
and the odious epithet of Methodist was so revolting, that my Babel religion soon fell to the ground.
In short, by associating with the officers of the army, I had contracted a habit of swearing, and indeed most other vices of the army, and was become quite a libertine. For swearing I was often reproved by my friends, which happily operated in the issue in a total renunciation of that vice.
Providence, whose designations are always gracious, now interfered to remove me from a dangerous group of companions. In December, 1763, I was ordered to the king's magazines at Purfleet, to do duty there. This seemed cruel, that I, who was but just returned from foreign service, during the campaign in Portugal, should be ordered to this isolated station, while two younger clerks were allowed to stay! When I arrived, I expected to meet with a kind reception from the young engineers; in which, however, I was disappointed; and remained for some time almost a solitary stranger.
[Mrs. Weaver, mother of the venerable Mr. Weaver, clerk in the king's works at Woolwich, and local preacher, was then living at Purfleet. She told me, that Mr. Valton came there quite a gay and pleasant young gentleman; and as he excelled on the violin, they rented a room, where he played in the evenings, and the young people danced. But, she added, when he turned Methodist, we turned Methodists; and the room, which had been shut up for some time, was re-opened for prayer and reading. In a while, he procured Mr. Wesley's "Sacred Harmony," and began to use the fiddle again in teaching us these new and engaging tunes. Of the rise and progress of this work of God Mr. Valton gives the following account.]
There was at Purfleet a lady of the name of Edwards, whose husband was an officer in the king's service. Soon after my arrival, they invited me to dine, and treated me with many civilities. Mrs. F.
was a member of Mr. Wesley's society in London, and the only Methodist in that part of the country.
I often spent a leisure hour at their house. One evening the conversation turned on religion. I threw in my mite, probably more from complaisance than inclination: it made, however, a strong impression on her mind in my favor. This conversation became, what God willed it to be, less tiresome to me in some succeeding evenings, and I went so far as to join the family in singing hymns. This pious woman, persevering in her good designs, lent me Baxter's "Saints' Rest;"
Rutherford's "Letters;" and Law's "Serious Call." By her conversation, and by the reading of these books, I began to see my soul as the moth fluttering about the flame. Fear now prompted me to pray, sometimes with, and sometimes without, a form. I left off my grosser sins, and sacrificed my accustomed amusements, as a sort of atonement for my past transgressions. To these, some little charities were added, and acts of self-denial; which I considered as highly meritorious, and as tending gradually to blot out the handwriting which stood against me in the book of God.
But, here again, this good woman, whom I may call my soul's friend, beat me with much difficulty out of these Papistical notions, which still floated in my mind, and convinced me that nothing would avail without faith in Christ; and that salvation was the free, unmerited gift of God, through the redemption that is in Him. The books I was then reading confirmed all she said, and shone with increasing light on my beclouded mind.
I was now sorely embarrassed with notions in my head, conflicting with sins in my heart. I knew not what to do. In fact, I began to despair of salvation, and thought to recede; but this I could not well do, having, as it were, by the kindness of this family, taken the bounty-money, if I may use a military term; and to retreat now would be shameful. I could not pray with devotion; my addresses to the throne of grace were irregular and dissipated, and prayer seemed a burden. At length, encouraged by my friends, I unbosomed my whole heart to Mr. Wesley, in an anonymous letter, soliciting his advice. The answer I beg leave to transcribe for the benefit of those who may be in the same state.
"LONDON, January 31st, 1764.
"It is certainly right with all possible care to abstain from all outward evil. But this profits only a little. The inward change is the one thing needful for you. You must be born again, or you never will gain a uniform and lasting liberty. Your whole soul is diseased, or rather dead, — dead to God, dead in sin. Awake, then, and arise from the dead, and Christ shall give you light. To seek for a particular deliverance from one sin only, is mere labor lost. If it could be attained, it would be little worth; for another would arise in its place. But, indeed, it cannot, before there is a general deliverance from the guilt and power of sin. This is the thing which you want, and which you should be continually seeking for. You want to be justified freely from all things, through the redemption which is in Jesus Christ. It might be of use, if you should read over the first volume of [my] Sermons seriously, and with prayer. Indeed, nothing will avail without prayer. Pray, whether you can or not.
When you are cheerful, and when you are heavy, still pray. Pray with many or with few words, or with none at all: you will surely find an answer of peace, and why not now? I am
"Your servant, for Christ's sake,
"J. WESLEY."
This letter seemed fraught with impossibilities, and I should have misconstrued the whole, had not Mrs. B. explained it, and very much to my satisfaction. I now determined fully to enter into the service of the Lord of Hosts, and to seek the deliverance described in the letter. I saw now the gracious hand of God in removing me from Greenwich, and in my being unnoticed by the officers when I came to Purfleet; for had I contracted an intimacy with them, all this good might have been frustrated. Nearly at the same time, a little child, about seven years of age, came to drink tea with me:
I happened to call her a little angel, and she rejoined, "O, sir, I dreamed last night that you was an angel, and that I saw you flying up into heaven, and that I called after you, but you would not stop for me; and I asked my father's leave to come and take tea with you, that I might tell you my dream."
This little incident gave me, for a day or two, great comfort;. because I received it as a token from God of what He was about to do for my soul, by fitting and preparing me for a better world; for since my trial and affliction at Greenwich, I had ceased to wish for length of life.
But all this was transient. Satan now began to assault me with skepticism in its most dreadful forms, — that there was no God, else He would hear my prayers. I was tempted also to disbelieve the Divine authority of the Holy Scriptures, and almost every doctrine of revelation. In short, I quarreled with every book I read, as dark, mysterious, and irrelevant to my case.
March 6th, 1764. — I was today very unhappy, and thought that God had abandoned me. I sought for a form of prayer, but could find none that suited me. At last I drew up a form, partly out of the Prayer-Book, and partly out of Dr. Horneck's "Happy Ascetic," which I used for a few days; and then laid it aside, as not uttering the language of my heart. I now prayed, sometimes with words, and sometimes with none. But when I could utter a few words, I had sometimes a gleam of hope from an overclouded sun.
In the evening, a religious young man came to spend an hour at Mr. Edwards's, and I was invited to meet him. He related his experience, which very much agreed with mine, while groping the way to peace of conscience, as it were, over a dark mountain. We spent the evening in very profitable conversation, and closed with singing and prayer. I never, in all my life, enjoyed such happiness as this evening afforded me. I came home, and offered up my addresses to Heaven with an unusual flow of words. My prayers were interrupted only with tears, the effect of heartfelt joy. I could have spent the whole night in praising God: my pillow was easy, and when I awoke in the morning I arose and prostrated myself before the God that never sleeps.
11th. — This day being the Sabbath, I attended the morning service at church; and prayed very earnestly to God. In the afternoon, I spent some time with Mr. Cawley, a carpenter, who had come from London, partly with a view to inquire after the welfare of my soul. Before I had been half an hour in his company, I loved the man, and became united to him in spirit. Alexander the Great once told Diogenes, that if he were not Alexander the Great, he would desire to be Diogenes. But I could have said, I would rather be Mr. Cawley than Diogenes. We closed the interview with singing and prayer. Yet neither singing nor praying has any lasting effect to raise my mind. I ever sink back into that nervous gloom to which my constitution is inclined. My petrified heart seems unwilling that a tear should drop from my eye. Nay, such was the apathy I now felt, that bad my relations been bleeding at my feet, I think it would not have moved me. I sometimes thought that God had entirely given me up.
On relating my feelings to my good mother, I observed that she shed tears. She assured me that I should soon receive comfort, notwithstanding the agonies of my mini She encouraged me to look to the Savior, adding that "the vilest sinner should never despair." These last words reached my heart, and caused the tears plentifully to flow from my eyes. My heart swelled, and my eyes so overflowed, that I left the house; a spark of celestial fire now kindled in my breast, which dispelled the gloom, melted the rock, and diffused Divine love through all my heart. My soul exclaimed, "What acknowledgments shall I make to Thee, O Fountain of Divine love, for Thy goodness to a worm!
How incomprehensible is Thy love to sinners, and how ready art Thou to forgive, and to meet them when they return! How inexcusable am I to distrust Thy goodness, seeing every object around me proclaims Thy goodness and love!"
In the afternoon of this blessed day, I found the river of joy swelling in my breast by the influence of the heavenly shower. The Sun of Righteousness has indeed risen on my soul with genial warmth, and called forth the enlivened seeds of gratitude. I was not disobedient to the heavenly influences, but instantly on my knees acknowledged the blessing, and prayed that the Lord would no more hide His face from me, but pardon my impatience, my pride, and unbelief. I could now bless God for the hidings of His face for my peevishness and distrustful reasonings; for I found that without His gracious restriction, I should sink back into all the bad habits of my fellow-sinners.
In prayer also, I found that God had now loosened my tongue: I could pour out my soul, and speak as the Spirit gave me utterance. I could now pray that the Lord would grant me such of my petitions as tended to the welfare of my soul, and at such times as He saw best.
2lst. — My soul for the last three days has been gradually sinking; but today the strong man rose upon me with uncommon violence. I discovered anew the latent evils of my breast. I felt pride, repining, and discontent. Ah! how is it that I, who but the other day had such overflowing peace and joy, should now sink so low! — "Ah! little did I think," exclaimed I, in my anguish, "that religion would bring me to this! Surely I never found evil passions so predominant in my career of worldly pleasure. Well, I shall now lay religion aside!" These were my words. But I reflected that I never found any real pleasure or lasting good in the world; and to return to it would be but to increase my misery in this world, and endless torments in that which is to come. A faint hope now shone upon me, that faith and hope would yet again spring up in my mind.
While in this weak and depressed state, I was asserting something of importance, which was disbelieved by the person to whom I spoke: I felt great anger, — et ira est furor, — and called God twice or thrice to witness the truth of what I said, and, in the agony of my mind, silently vowed to abandon religion. O, how I was stung with my own words! I was like a madman. I dropped on my knees to pray; but could not. I fell prostrate, but could not remain so; fearing lest God should strike me dead, and send me to everlasting fire. I could scarcely stand all the day, I was so greatly affected.
I could but remark the difference in my feelings between this and the former conflict, after offending God. Then I was all apathy; nothing moved me: now everything heaped a mountain on my depressed spirits. I wished to hide myself in some dark retreat, being burdened with the light of the sun. At night I ventured to pray, but without much hope. In the morning I was much the same. However, about eleven o'clock the Lord gave me a token of His love and goodness in my heart. I exclaimed,
"O God, let me never more offend Thee by anger, nor despair of Thy mercy and love; but be always resigned to Thy gracious will!"
April 6th. — I went to London, and called on a gentleman, to whom I had once written on business, to direct me to hear a sermon. While I was there, Mr. Mark Davis (then stationed in town) came in, and I accompanied him to Wapping, and told him all my heart and state. I hid myself in this small and rough-looking chapel under the pulpit; and though much annoyed with the people's coughing and noise, yet I was delighted with the discourse on "Quench not the Spirit." It seemed to be wholly on my account. How happy are the Methodists who have ministers that know how to speak a word to him that is weary!
Sunday, 8th. — I attended at West-Street, Seven Dials [bought for a chapel in the Establishment since the purchase and rebuilding of Queen-Street chapel]. The great decorum and strict attention of the congregation inspired me with reverence and awe. The unaffected piety, the correct, uniform, and decent responses of the people, were very moving, and I may say to me, as a stranger, astonishing. The singing was heavenly, and seemed to come from the heart. In the evening, I attended at the Foundery, (Mr. Wesley's first chapel,) and heard an excellent sermon, which stirred me up to press towards the mark for the prize of my high calling; and should have found more good if I could have retired for prayer; but, lodging with a great family, I had no opportunity. How favored are the Methodists to enjoy such ordinances and sermons as these! And yet my heart, my vain heart, is afraid to have it known that I am become a Methodist.
22d. — Today I went to Snow's-Fields chapel to bear Mr. Maxfield, and stayed the sacrament, but found the enemy so harassing my mind with temptations, that the reasonings with him took away much of the good. The sermon, however, was very affecting, and kept me in tears most of the time.
Surely these are workmen who know their work, and know the hearts of men!
30th. — Though I have been in a good frame of mind the last few days, I now found a return of old temptations. It has been my method at those times to fall down on my knees and pray; that being the most advantageous posture in which to resist the enemy.
May 3d. — Today, Mrs. Edwards being sick, the severest trial of all my life came upon me: I was forbidden to go to the house of my soul's friend, the blessed mother in Israel, who, under God, had been the instrument of saving my soul. The enemy, for some weeks, had been stirring up the mind of Mr. E. against me. He was determined to prohibit my access to his house, and had for some weeks been secretly and openly defaming me; and in such sort, that the gentlemen in the king's service despised me. Among the rest, he accused me of insanity, and thought that my religious conversation and prayers contributed to augment the rheumatic fever and affliction of his wife. "They laid things to my charge that I knew not of."
I went to my room full of anguish, and of the most horrible temptations. I spent the whole night in prayer, sometimes on the floor, sometimes on the bed. The reproaches of the ungodly brought all my sins to my remembrance, and seemed to overwhelm me with a sense of the wrath of God. While in prayer, the Almighty seemed clothed with angry aspects, and with thunder in his hand. Meanwhile
the Savior presented Himself in His priestly garments, interceding for my soul. For a time the Almighty seemed inexorable, but at length dropped His vengeful arm, as though He had said,
"My Son is in my servant's prayer, And Jesus forces Me to spare."
This view of God and the mediatorial throne continued with me for several days, and was followed with much peace.
4th. — This day, by acute pains, Mrs. Edwards became delirious. The gout having reached her stomach, she was not expected to live; and, I believe, her affliction was much augmented by the grief of her mind. My prayer was, that God would not separate us, but cut short His work in me, and take me to the realms of bliss, whither I thought she was going. About ten o'clock I retired, and wrestled with the Lord, that He would ease her pain, and remove her delirium: and it pleased the Almighty that very hour to grant what I asked; which greatly increased my faith, and strengthened my hands in prayer. From this time also, Mr. E. seemed reconciled to me. Perhaps it was the affliction of his wife which made him so angry with me; but, Lord, what is man?
10th. — Today I also was taken ill, and feared lest I should lose my senses. Great trials always augment the infirmities to which my constitution is inclined. I spent most of the morning in prayer, and in much distress of mind. A plot had been laid to get me removed back to Greenwich, among all my old and wicked companions. Providentially, I was enabled so to remonstrate as to break the snare. I have, in this instance, realized the note of Mr. Wesley, Matt. iv. 1; that after the strongest consolations we may expect the sharpest temptations.
15th. — This being the Sabbath-day, I met Mr. Watkins at the church-door, an officer who had served with me in Portugal. I was ashamed to say that I had turned Methodist; and yet I durst not let him go without telling him of the danger his soul was in. The ship was lying off Purfleet, in which he was going out to Peniscola. I took him to dine. Our conversation soon made him ready to exclaim, with the gaoler, "What must I do to be saved?" We wept and prayed together, and sung hymns. He told me that he had a strong conflict, as the ship was to sail that evening, whether he should venture ashore to take leave of me; but something unaccountably said within him, "I must see him; I must see him." I gave him all Mr. Wesley's Sermons and Notes, and other books that I had, accompanied him about a mile, and was fully persuaded that God, who had begun a good work in his soul, would finish it to the day of Christ. My soul was knit to him in affection, as the soul of David to Jonathan.
— After parting from him, I cried, "O Lord, the Keeper of Israel, into Thy hands I commend him.
Save and defend him, that he may renounce the world, the flesh, and the devil, and be a true follower of the Lamb!" — From this time, I felt an unaccountable desire for the salvation of souls, and resolved to speak to individuals whenever I could find opportunity. A little fruit encourages the labors of the husbandman.
July 14th. — I went to London to hear Mr. Charles Wesley on the ensuing Sabbath. His word was with power; and I thought my Savior was at hand, never being so sensibly affected under a discourse before. In the evening, I heard him again at the Foundery, and all seemed to be comforted or affected by his word. On returning, I lost much of the good by joining rather than reproving the discourse of
the passengers. My conscience severely accuses if I join in any unhallowed levity of conversation.
Surely my heart is a composition of sin, at enmity with God, and subject to the prince of this world, the spirit that now works in the children of disobedience.
31st. — My father and my brother paid me a visit today, and my mind was much hurt by their conversation. My poor father inquired, whether I did not sing Whitefield's hymns; assuring me, at the same time, that if I followed the Methodists, I might never more expect preferment. My brother is altogether averse to religion, especially to Methodism. The way is too narrow.
August 4th. — This morning, in consequence of reading certain books, I was more strongly tempted to believe in absolute predestination than ever; and to believe also, on account of the evils in my heart, that I was one of the reprobates. In the course of the day, I named these thoughts to a friend, who replied, "If predestination be true, you ought to rejoice and be happy, because, being convinced of sin, you have one of the first marks of being elected." This afforded me a momentary comfort. But, ah! I sink again into anguish and pain, and cannot believe that there is one saint in glory that ever was so wicked as I have been. Yet, bad as I am, the price which my Redeemer has paid is such as the Father can accept: therefore I am encouraged to believe, that I shall yet have a place in glory at the Savior's feet.
12th. — This morning I had sweet Communion with God on my way to the church. But, on thinking what I should say at night, when five of us met for Christian fellowship, several pertinent texts came into my mind. Here, again, Satan stirred up the latent pride of my heart. This may arise chiefly from my evil nature; but, from whatever source it may spring, it seems to contaminate all my thoughts, and words, and actions. I have not read or heard of anyone who has had such sore and bitter conflicts with the evils of nature, and the temptations of Satan, as have fallen to my lot. Perhaps the Lord is, by these conflicts, forcing me from seeking to be justified by the law, or preparing me to be useful to others. This thought gave me comfort.
15th. — This morning Satan seemed to concentrate all his heavy artillery against my soul, in a way he had never done since I began to seek the heavenly kingdom. Pride appeared also in its strongest forms. I was shocked at the aspects of the temptation; and, falling down on my knees, resolved to surrender myself wholly into the arms of God, that, if He would save me, I would resist no more. Presently my eyes were bathed in tears; and now a concurring thought seemed to say within, that this was the very thing I ought to do.
16th. — This was to me a happy day. I went to the office, having shaken off my legal chains, and sought no more to fulfil the law in my own strength. Leaning on my Savior, I felt Divine support, and entered on duty without fearing the seductive habits of company. I was obliged indeed to be social; but all the while I was happy in God. He kept me as a little child, and showed me that I knew nothing as I ought to know. Here was a lesson I had never learned before.
17th. — This was a sore morning of temptation to my soul. "Ay," said the enemy, "you are now become light and trifling." A messenger of Satan was allowed to buffet me with all the reasonings and excitements to unbelief. I walked the room in a state of distraction. My cry was, "Save, Lord,
or I perish." My soul chose strangling rather than life; and, had not the Lord been on my side, I had fallen a prey to the enemy.
31st. — During the whole of the last fortnight, I have passed through deep waters. Satan takes great and grievous advantages of the nervous infirmities of my constitution. He upbraids me with my past sins as a monster of wickedness; and tells me that all my religious intercourse with the friends is pride, hypocrisy, and deceit. If at any time I have enjoyed what they call "the drawings of the Father," he then assails me, that I am become light, trifling, and vain. Often I am assaulted to renounce religion altogether, and give up myself to despair.
Saturday, September 1st. — This morning I was greatly comforted in reading the Holy Scriptures;
and going to London, I heard Mr. Wesley for the first time. Next morning I heard him at Snow's Fields, on Matt. iii. 2: "Repent ye; for the kingdom of heaven is at hand." He observed, that the unawakened sinner is under the power of evil, and sin prevails; the justified has grace and sin, but grace prevails. He thence proceeded to show the necessity of having the kingdom of heaven set up in our hearts, in order to sanctification. O, how much I was blessed by hearing this discourse! I heard him again at Spitalfields, and twice received the sacrament today.
In the latter sermon, on II Kings v. 12, I was pleased with his criticism on Nanman's words. He said, that our versions contained an egregious blunder, in reading verse 18 in the future instead of the past tense. It should be, "When thy servant hath gone into the house of Rimmon, and hath bowed," &c. His conscience accused him of worshipping an idol, instead of the God of the whole[3]
earth.
3d. — I attended preaching at the Foundery at five o'clock, and at ten a friend took me to Miss Marsh's meeting for Christian communion. The friends spoke their experience, and they greatly encouraged me by giving their opinion that I was in a justified state. At the close of the meeting, Mr.
Manfield whom a good bishop had ordained, to prevent Mr. Wesley from preaching himself to death administered the sacrament. While they prayed, I thought the Lord gave me the witness of His Holy Spirit.
[Miss Marsh was a lady of good education; and, having a small independent fortune, devoted her life, and all she had, in doing good. She sometimes made excursions to Bristol, and other parts of the country, where she met classes, &c.]
25th. — Since the 8th of this month, I have been confined to my room by a fever; but, by the grace of God, I am recovered. O, how good and gracious was the Lord to me in my affliction! My temptations were suspended. My cry was, "Father, take me to Thyself!" I had a longing desire to depart, and be with Christ. I had no doubt but that I should see and enjoy the Lord for ever. God gave me such tokens of His love, that I could not be silent. I once exclaimed, in the words of Addison,
"Come, see a Christian die."
In the beginning of this affliction I had examined my heart, and seen myself as deserving the heaviest wrath of God, and knew not how to escape; but instantly I found a trust in Christ, which I thought would keep me from perdition. Satan again assaulted me with predestination. For six or eight
hours my conflicts, accompanied by many tears, were so great, that the sweat ran down me like water; but from this time I began to recover.
30th. — Today I came to London, but much harassed with the thought that I was flying from persecution, and leaving the cross behind. My design was to get food for my soul; and I was much blessed under Mr. Richardson's sermon, as also Under Mr. Olivers's prayer.
October 16th. — I have had a relapse of my fever for the last ten days; but while under the chastisement of my heavenly Father, my mind was kept in peace. I tasted much of His presence and love in my affliction, and felt a longing desire to depart, to be with Christ. I have held fast the promises in this illness, and wait to see them fully accomplished.
17th. — I went to see my father, and found him low and dejected. He said it was chiefly occasioned by my being turned a Methodist; for my patrons would hear of it, and cast me off to provide for myself. I told him, that since the late change in my views, I durst not now spend my time and money in taverns and theatres. I now neither dared to swear, nor lie, nor commit the least known sin. I asked, if he found me less obedient, or affectionate, or in anything altered for the worse. He was silent, and seemed satisfied with my defence.
18th. — I was this evening admitted into the band-meeting, and was much blessed in hearing those pious and holy souls who have long walked in the way speak their experience. I went also to another meeting, where the Lord's supper was administered, as before.
23d. — This day I returned to Purfleet, much refreshed and strengthened in my soul. Glory be to Thee, O God! Do Thou, O Lord, preserve my soul when I am distant from the Shepherd's tent!
Supply from Thy fountain such wisdom and knowledge as my soul may need; and make me a faithful steward of Thy bounty, whether temporal or spiritual, that I may freely give of Thy store, conformably to the designs of Thy providence.
November 7th. — The Lord was pleased to suffer my ague and fever to return, and sometimes to be accompanied with delirium: a disease which affects many in these low and marshy grounds. I have not been able to keep my thoughts stayed on the Lord, but have comforted myself with the thought, that I was in the wilderness state described in Mr. Wesley's sermon: and yet, all do not pass through that state to the promised land. I have also been much tempted to doubt of the pardoning love of God which I received while in London. Because it was not incontestably clear, I feared it was not really the case; and that my comforts were only the drawings of the Father.
20th. — My fever and ague still continue, and my inward conflicts and temptations are unabated:
I could scarcely think of God; nay, I seemed angry with Him, because He had not favored me as some others who had not sought Him half so long. I felt also many sins and foolish desires rising in my heart, but did not give way to them. My mind, however, was greatly relieved in hearing Mr.
Wesley, on Luke xxii. 31, 32, in which he showed how Satan was allowed of God to sift His children, as wheat, that the chaff might be blown away. I saw that I had undergone that sifting, and much in the same manner as Mr. Wesley had described. I was, indeed, much edified when I heard that other believers had been assailed with the horrid temptations which had long pursued me.
21st. — This morning my soul was very happy in prayer, though my fever still continued. And when I am thus happy in God, my bowels most yearn after the souls of poor sinners. I have collected a few of these to attend our evening meetings, and pray and talk to them for two or three hours together, notwithstanding my fever. They have not been able to resist my words, but melt and weep under my feeble exhortation. While thus arguing and pleading with them, and seeing them unable to resist my words, I have myself found surprising comfort and joy; and my memory has become so retentive, that pertinent texts have poured in upon me with uncommon light and force.
December 2d. — This day I read over Bishop Taylor's "Rules of Holy Living," and fell down on my knees, praying that God would forgive all the loose speeches and slanders of my tongue. The book enlightened my conscience with regard to many of my sins. While in Portugal, I had wronged my deputy of £23. Had he complained to the Board, it is probable that they would have given it in my favor. But I was not sure that they would not have given it against me. No matter; though several years had elapsed, my conscience now compelled me to pay him the money.
Sunday, 9th. — Mr. Windsor met our little class in Purfleet. He was lively, and his words were blessed to us all. His words indicated earnestness of soul, strength of faith, and ardour of love. He greatly assisted me in the method of pouring out my soul to God; and he was the instrument of many blessings conferred upon me, particularly in his method of thanksgiving in certain parts of his prayers: no wonder that David should delight in the society of saints.
Next day, in reading Mark xi., the 24th verse was much blessed to me. I said, "Lord, I do believe that all Thy promises shall be fulfilled to me." And, indeed, in that hour it was given me to believe with the heart unto righteousness. God truly blessed my soul; and left not the least doubt of His then fulfilling His promise. The power of God rested so strongly on my soul, that I felt my bosom glow with love; and was ready to say, "Lord, it is enough. If Thou givest more, take me to Thyself!" The Lord is merciful and gracious. He will not chide for ever. He makes us to hear joy and gladness, and causes the bones which He had broken to rejoice. O my soul, remember His marvelous works, that in all future temptations thou mayest trust in Him!
11th. — This morning the Lord was pleased to give me fresh tokens of His love. He overwhelmed me with His goodness, and I felt that I could love Him because He had first loved me. My prayer was, that He would renew me in His Divine image, create in me a clean heart, and bring in His everlasting righteousness. Truly, He has heard my prayer when I had continually evil thoughts, and took pleasure in many of them. I told those things to Mr. Windsor, and was much encouraged when he said that believers in general were assailed in the same way. I named also a temptation to pride:
after giving an exhortation, I had overheard a hearer say, "What a wonderful young man is that! I hope God will bless him."
21st. — My happiness has continued till today, when, alas! while talking to a man about the wolves in Portugal, I dropped a word which was not strictly true, with regard to my having seen those wolves. It was in a moment of confusion caused by his questions. I sighed and groaned most of the day for pardon; and next day felt my peace return, but not with the faith and confidence I had before. Thanks be to God, however, that this year, which began with so much bitterness and anguish, ends with days of sunshine and peace!
January 1st, 1765. — O Lord, do Thou grant that this year may be productive of universal holiness, and that all nations may acknowledge the Savior of men. In an especial manner, do Thou bless us of this nation; and make us a holy nation, a peculiar people. Let peace be within our walls, and righteousness in our dwellings. Fill our hearts with love, and let our lives show forth Thy praise.
Continue to us the means of grace, and grant that we may never provoke Thee to withdraw Thy favors. Glory be to Thee, O Father, Son, and Holy Ghost!
O my soul, stay upon thy Savior, and hang upon His word: is it not music to thy ear, and health to thy bones? Last year, at this time, thou sawest no beauty in thy Savior, nor comeliness that thou shouldest desire Him: nay, thou didst despise and reject Him. Thou didst account His life folly and misery below. But now, O my soul, go forth with the voice of singing, and declare His righteousness to the ends of the earth. The Lord hath redeemed thee, and plucked thee as a brand from the burning.
He hath brought thee out of darkness into marvelous light, and given "the knowledge of salvation by the remission of sins," through our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
5th. — Two days ago I felt much encouragement while praying for the prosperity of our little class and this morning the Lord seemed to receive my prayers when I besought Him for my relatives in London and in France.
2lst. — This evening, being in London, I attended the bands, and happened to sit on the next bench to Mr. Wesley and the preachers. His eye caught me; and he asked me, whether I found it good to attend the means of grace. I answered in the affirmative. He inquired again, whether I did not feel an anxious desire after preferment. I rejoined, "No;" my one desire being to love God. I then sat down; but was much harassed that I had not spoken my experience. The truth is, I was not then so happy as I had been in the beginning of the year. But O! before the meeting closed, I was much comforted to hear two or three souls praise God, and tell of His marvelous grace. O Lord, hasten the time when I shall praise Thee without ceasing, and when all my heart "shall be holiness to the Lord!"
What avails it that Thou hast pardoned my sins, if Thou dost not renew me in Thy image, and give me that mind that was in Christ!
"Give me Thy only love to know, Give me Thy only love!"
February 3d. — I have spent a comfortable hour with two or three persons who have a desire to save their souls. But pride began to rise in my heart from what one said of me. Alas! it mixes itself with all I do. It is neither decent nor wise to praise men to their face. I was buffeted also with hypocrisy, for talking of the love of God, when I felt but little of it in my heart. Yet my conscience acquits me of doing this to seek the praise of men.
6th — I rose this morning at my usual hour, before five o'clock, and read the lessons and Psalms, and a sermon by Mr. Wesley; which course I now always pursue. It happened to be the sermon on the witness of the Spirit. Some things in it staggered me, because I could hardly say that it was my experience. However, after reading, I went to prayer, and was much comforted.
7th. — Today I wrote to my father, and gave him an account of the change which grace had wrought in my heart. I ventured also to point out to him some prominent errors of the Church of Rome. And being very happy in the love of God, I wrote also to Mr. Windsor, at whose band-meeting my soul had been much refreshed.
27th. — I have been in a deplorable state of mind for some days past, and felt all my former peevishness return. O my nature! my nature! I really believe, had not God directed me to the sermon of Mr. Wesley, on "We are not ignorant of Satan's devices," my spirit would have failed before the Lord, and I should have given up my hope as lost. My unholy tempers, and the men with whom I have to do, make me cry for entire renovation of heart.
March 6th. — I have been exceedingly tried and tempted for the last four days. I have been too dead to God; and if I trifle but for a moment, I receive condemnation. The voice of God, by the secret influence of His Holy Spirit, warns me of the least danger. It seems as though the Lord were calling me off from terrestrial things to close communion with Himself. Lord, I bless Thee, that Thou hast put it into my heart to pray for this; and hast discovered to me my utter helplessness, that without Thee I can do nothing.
I have lately read in "the Christian Library" a treatise on Fasting, by Robert Bolton; a holy minister, and a skillful surgeon. It is either by fasting twice a week, or by early rising, that I am so weak as not to kneel upright in prayer for any length of time. If it proceed from the latter, I am sure it will be a far heavier trial to lie in bed than to rise at an early hour.
10th. — I heard Mr. Wesley preach a charity sermon at Spitalfields chapel, for the benefit of the poor weavers. He observed, that by giving one pound the Methodists might gain ten, and stir up the Church of England to charities. At night he kept a lovefeast, and was in great spirit. Next morning he was about to set out on his long journey to the north of England and Scotland till October I believe there were few dry eyes in the place My prayer was, "O Lord God, do Thou accompany him wheresoever Thou shalt call him; and make Thy face to shine upon him! Do Thou give him a mouth, and wisdom that none of his adversaries shall be able to gainsay or resist and receive him at last to Thy kingdom of glory!"
16th. — This morning I made a bold, I do not say a wise, request to God I asked, having a strong sensibility of His presence in my soul, that He would finish His work, and take me out of the world to my Redeemer's kingdom. The request was followed with so much peace and joy, that I thought He was about to take me away. O, with what rapture did I anticipate dying! My hope was full of immortality. I could sing the pilgrim's hymn with delight. I want no foot of land, (unless it be under ground,) nor wife, nor children, nor honors, nor pleasures, nor preferments, nor any creature. Christ supplies all these to me, and ten thousand times more.
2lst. — I have not been so happy for the last three days as I was before. Notwithstanding, a friend to whom I had unbosomed my state, said, he believed that I had received the abiding witness of the Spirit. I believed his words, and felt happy; and prostrating myself before the Lord, I felt abundant joy to overflow my heart. But, alas! in the midst of my joys, a man from Greenwich came on business to spend the evening with me. His conversation was loose, jocular, and carnal, and much
mixed with profane swearing. I often tried to divert the conversation to better subjects, but failed in courage to reprove him. O, how I was condemned for allowing him to take the name of God in vain, almost in every sentence! The Holy Spirit spoke once, yea, twice; but I did not obey the heavenly Monitor. When he was gone, a cloud was left on my mind; and I besought a pardon with cries and tears. Having to breakfast with him next morning at an inn, I prayed the Lord to restrain him from those shameful words; and, blessed be the Lord, I do not remember that he swore once all the time I was with him.
April 5th. — This being Good Friday, I fasted till near six in the evening. O that I had abstained also from sin! But in the course of the day I gave way to anger against a person; and it was nearly an hour before I could recover an even temperature of mind. O Lord, I fall every moment without Thy special support. Boot out of my heart every plant which is not of Thy planting! Sometimes, when I have been delivered from a temptation, I have thought that I would never distrust the Lord again. I find, however, that if Satan be driven from one retreat, he enters at another, and laughs at human resolutions.
7th. — This being Easter-day, I had a gracious season at the Lord's table; for the Lord was in the means. In the afternoon I was both comforted and tempted. I have often thought that the Lord would send me out to publish His Gospel to perishing sinners; and yet I know I have not gifts for it, but am aware that I have pride enough; and, I believe, zeal, but fear it is not "according to knowledge." I prayed for humility, and that God would never suffer me to speak in His name, no, not even privately, in my own spirit, or wisdom, or knowledge. Are there not murderers enough of souls already? Surely there are special receptacles in hell for false teachers. These are the armour-bearers of Satan, the captains of his thousands. What a blow he strikes at the kingdom of Christ when he gets one of these into commission!
25th. — O, how has the fear of losing my leg by amputation tormented me for the last four days!
[Mr. Valton told me, that the complaint in his ankle came at first with a chilblain. The complaint seemed to go away, and he walked for twenty years without any appearance of lameness. Sea-bathing was recommended as an antidote. However, in the course of thirty years, the bone became carious, and ultimately, after suffering the severest pains, it occasioned his death.]
28th. — Mr. Windsor paid us another visit, and met us at Mr. Healey's. "As iron sharpeneth iron, so does the countenance of a man his friend." When in company with good men, all my fears and nervous agitations vanish away.
Saturday, May 4th. — I went up to town to hear the Gospel, and spend the Sabbath in the Divine ordinances. In the passage-boat, there were three common women. The miserable creatures swore bitterly; and one of them addressed herself to me, — from what motive I will not judge. I lifted up my heart to God for a word in season, and watched an opportunity to lay before them the greatness of their danger. I had scarcely begun to speak before one of them was pricked in her conscience.
Another, the most daring of the three, was obliged to leave the cabin. The third wept once and again.
I advised her to beg her bread, with assurance that in six months the Lord would direct her into a way of getting an honest livelihood.
6th. — Being in company with Mr. Henton, a preacher, he asked me if I had now the love of God in my heart. I answered, that the Lord was very gracious to me; thereby evading a direct answer, because my evidence of the direct witness was not clear. O Lord, why do I thus doubt? If I am Thy child, send forth Thy blessed Spirit to bear witness with mine, that I may unceasingly cry, Abba, Father! What variety of changes occurs in my Christian warfare! Now borne aloft on the wings of faith, and then cast down with doubts now one sin pushing sorely at me, and then another: one while the soul rapt up into the third heaven, and then grovelling in the dust: one day experiencing much of the Divine life, and then doubting whether it be a real work of grace. O, happy are they who experience a permanent sense of the Divine favor, and can rejoice in assurance of glory, notwithstanding the daily exercises and temptations of life.
11th. — O, how dead and lifeless have I been for these few days, and yet no way troubled about it! My thoughts were dissipated, my confessions unfeeling, my repentance verbal. I fear I have lost the substance of religion, and scarcely hold the shadow. I have often said, that if I lost ground or abated my earnestness, I should be the most miserable being alive. In this I was mistaken. It is now plain to me that we may fall away, and yet not lay it to heart. It must be, O Lord, of Thy tender mercy, and unwillingness to part with a child of Thine, that Thou layest, as the last effort of Thy Spirit, trouble and heaviness on his mind, and sendest a blast on all his endeavours, that peradventure he may recollect himself; and return to Thee again.
19th. — This evening, about six o'clock, I was at prayer, and felt so lifeless and forlorn, that I resolved not to go to the class. My eyes were swollen with weeping, and I thought my friends were no way likely to quicken me. However, after prayer, I set out, and had a refreshing time. A woman expressed a desire to meet with us; and next day her husband came, and related how he had attended the ministry of Mr. Whitefield, Mr. Romaine, and Mr. Madan in London, but had lost his good impressions by coming to Purfleet, and leaving the means of grace. She had opposed the truth in London; but now they both seem in earnest with God. Three are now added to our little flock. I read and prayed with them, and left them happier than I was myself.
June 1st. — Company coming from London, I was aware that they would expect me to dine with them; and doubting how I could do it with safety, I hid myself in a garret for prayer. At length I resolved to set out for London; but the tide would not permit. In the evening, after calling the names of the laborers, I found a note requesting my attendance at the inn. So I was obliged to go; and had not been in their company long before they began to drink filthy toasts: I avoided drinking them. At length, they called upon me to give mine. This, also, I refused. One of the company gave a toast for me, and insisted on my drinking it. This, blessed be God, I refused, and took my leave. One of my most intimate acquaintances followed me, and entreated that I would not estrange myself from all my friends. Another of my old friends followed me; and seeing my views were changed, he very much approved of my steady adherence to my religious principles. Thus, through the blessing of God, my soul escaped, as a bird from the snare of the fowler.
Sunday, June 9th. — A small party of us, taking our dinners in our pockets, walked to Benley, to hear the good vicar, the Rev. Mr. Piers. He was one of the first clergymen that opened their churches to Mr. Wesley, and gave him the right hand of fellowship. He preached an excellent sermon to a[4]
dull congregation, on Paul's description of charity. In the afternoon we walked to Wellen, and heard one of Mr. Wesley's preachers.
15th. — Three weeks ago, I went to the shop to visit our carpenter, who had lately joined the class; and last night I was present at his departure, I would hope, to glory. He was cut off by a fever, in seven days. On being taken ill, he sent for me, and said he knew that his Redeemer lived. I doubted of this, as he had a quarrel with his neighbor. He bewailed his hasty temper, and I got them reconciled; and they received the sacrament together. A day or two before his death, he said, "What reason I have to bless God that I ever saw you! ay, to love you better than my own father:" with many other feeling words. Yet I was suspicious that the wound was only slightly healed; not so by me, for I preached the law to him, and applied but few Gospel promises, and prayed a whole day for his salvation.
2lst. — I went again to London, that I might enjoy Christian fellowship in the classes and bands, and hear the word of God. Next day I paid a visit; to my father. Alas! how often did he take the name of God and Christ in vain in ordinary conversation! How strong must that infatuation be, when one who lives in gross sin can be assured of his salvation, because he fancies that he belongs to the true church; and that another, who prays and strives, cannot be saved because he is not of his faith!
On Monday, 24th, I heard Mr. Jones, on Matthew iii. 8, 9. While expounding John the Baptist's[5]
sermon to the Scribes and Pharisees, a man wept aloud, and went out. We got him into the Vestry, and prayed with him. My soul, blessed be the Lord, was much refreshed during this visit.
July 9th. — This morning Jesus did anew most sweetly reveal Himself to my soul. "All His garments smelled of myrrh, aloes, and cassia." I could rejoice in His salvation. Yet in the midst of these manifestations, it would be suggested that I was under a delusion. How was it possible that I should be so happy in the love of God, whose heart was so wicked! Notwithstanding, I have strong assurances, that if the Lord take me out of the world, my departure shall be full of peace and joy. I can anticipate dying with great delight.
25th. — This morning brother Weaver came to tell me, with tears of joy, that he believed he had found the Lord last evening, after he went home from the class. We kneeled down to thank the Lord.
My soul participated in his felicity. I exhorted him to hold it fast: we embraced, and parted; I being in haste to go to Chelmsford assizes. This intelligence did amazingly cheer and refresh me on the journey.
[About this time, Mr. Valton began to study physic, that he might give away medicine to certain poor people, who could not employ a medical man. He began also to instruct one or more of the children, by hearing their lessons at convenient hours. Here follows a plan how his day was spent.]
My present practice is, to rise at five, my constitution not allowing me to rise earlier. Before I dress, I offer up a short ejaculatory address to God. When dressed, I pray for nearly half an hour, and read the morning lessons, and a few pages of some other book. Sometimes I substitute one of the Epistles. When my scholar comes, we read the Psalms, verse for verse, and then use Mr. Wesley's form of prayer (abridged and modified from Mr. Joseph Alleine). Before eight, I pray in few words
to God; and at nine I read another chapter, and sing a hymn, and then go to prayer. At twelve, after the office-hours, I offer up a short prayer, imploring forgiveness of the sins of the day, and that God would preserve me the remainder of the day. I then hear my scholar, and add a few short petitions At one o'clock I dine and then with my scholar read the evening Psalm, and at three utter a short prayer. At five, my scholar and I pray for pardon and protection during the night. At six, I confess the sins of the day, and implore a pardon. I then attend some meeting, or walk. At eight, I use Mr.
Wesley's form, in order to aid me the more in praying for others. I generally go to bed immediately after nine, when my prayer is but short, and presently fall asleep. Such is my daily walk with God, but much interrupted by journeys and business.
Yesterday I had a remarkable answer to prayer. A week ago, the soldier and his wife complained in the class, that they had no place of retirement for prayer; and that they were exposed to much ungodly language in the barrack. I was affected with their case, and led to assure them that the Lord would provide them a place; and yesterday the surgeon came to me in a considerable degree of warmth, some things having been stolen from the hospital: he insisted that the woman should be displaced. This enabled me to give the key of the room to the soldier's wife, where she and her husband could often retire for prayer.
August 17th. — This day I had a special trial, to humble my soul: one of the workmen under my care gave me very abusive language; and yet I did not report him, lest it should be prejudicial to his bread. It harassed me all the day; meanwhile, I prayed for him, and felt nothing contrary to love.
21st. — This morning I had a propitious hour, while at morning prayer. My soul was exceedingly happy in God. I thought I could now say, "Father, not my will, but Thine, be done." O Lord Jesus, I give Thee my body, and soul, and everything else which I esteem or value on earth. Claim me as Thy right, keep me as Thy charge, fight for me in all assaults, and revive me when I am cast down!
September 3d. — During the last few days I have had but little of the sensible comforts and overflowings of joy which I have before experienced. But peace I still enjoy; peace which the world cannot take away. I now perceive that we are all but learners in the school of Christ.
October 4th. — A nervous gloom and agitation seemed to seize me. Such a day surely I have never seen. O my God, why hast Thou forsaken me? I prayed for death, life being a burden. No power to pray, no faith, no love.
5th. — My cry was, "Save, Lord, or I perish!" I had a dreadful conflict with the enemy of my soul Ah! Lord, I cannot drink this cup. O, remove it, if it be Thy blessed will! Yet not my will, but Thine, be done. I was ready to curse the day of my birth. Pity me, O Lord! for I would love Thee with all my heart and soul. The Sabbath comes, but no rest, no peace; no comfort even at church. In the evening, I met the class at twice; but on kneeling to pray, was not able to raise my voice.
"From shore to shore why should I run, When none his tiresome self can shun?"
17th. — Yesterday I came to London for succor and comfort. I had prayed the Lord to open my way, which He was pleased to do. How good art. Thou, O my God! What thanks are due to Thee, the almighty Parent of good! At the Foundery I heard Mr. Jones, at five o'clock in the morning, on 1 Cor. iii. 11-14. He comforted me much, by showing that a believer could not perish; but that he who rests in justification, and does not seek for sanctifying grace, must be saved by fire.
18th. — I heard Mr. William Darney, at five, expound the sixty-third Psalm. The dry and thirsty state of the wilderness suited my experience. I could say, "O God, Thou art my God; early will I seek Thee."
[This preacher was a native of Scotland, and educated in high Calvinistic opinions. On joining Mr. Wesley, he professed a belief in the Methodist doctrines; yet the doctrine of sanctification, as taught by Mr. Wesley, he did not believe; and his favorite doctrine of the final and unconditional perseverance of the saints, he never renounced. As a master encourages his workmen, and as a general animates his army, so we should ever encourage the saints to persevere; yet this should not be done without all the strong and salutary cautions of the sacred writings.
[With regard to indwelling sin, St. Clement, a companion of St. Paul, and Macarius, and all the primitive fathers, teach as the Methodists. But Augustine, though he had taught the same, yet, when aged and sick, fell into nervous infirmities, and became timid and fearful lest he should perish. He read the seven penitential Psalms daily, with tears, and wrote his Retractions; among which he contended that the seventh chapter of the Epistle to the Romans was not, as he had formerly said,
"delivered in a figure to bring over the Jews from legal bondage to the liberty of Christ, but was St.
Paul's own experience." Notwithstanding these opinions, Mr. Darney was a most laborious missionary man for more than twenty years, chiefly in the manufacturing districts, and in the north of England. It is true, he durst not preach these doctrines very openly; but he would do it with a friend, and in remote corners of the land. The Calvinists liked to hear him, and gave him the appellation of Scotch Will.
[Once, indeed, he was detected in a very remarkable manner, as was related to me by an aged Baptist minister in the north. He preached in a yard, and stood on a hogshead. In the discourse, he reverted to his favourite subject, perseverance: he declared that the saints could never fall; no, so sure as he stood there, they could never fall. The preacher here augmenting the powers of emphasis by a too heavy stamp of the foot, in went the head of the hogshead, along with the preacher; and it was with difficulty, he being corpulent, that his friends could extricate him. This may illustrate what Mr.
Valton adds.]
October 21st. — This evening Mr. Darney drank tea with me at my lodgings, and the conversation proved very hurtful to me. I told him, that for some time I had been wrestling with God for a clean heart, and for an instantaneous deliverance from inward impurity. To my great surprise and discouragement, he said, there was no such thing attainable on earth; that the notion was quite unscriptural; that while we are on earth we must be growing in grace, and always receiving fresh supplies of strength; and, consequently, that the notion of an instantaneous deliverance was quite unfounded! This discourse threw me back into great discouragement. I retired, and wrote as under.
"Then, Lord, if this be true, I shall one day fall by the hand of Satan, who is ever following men for destruction. Great God! and can it be Thy will that this cursed concupiscence should continue as long as there is life in man! Shall I always be in danger from this? Where, then, is Thy great salvation? Ah! come, death, thou great sanctifier, thou joint Savior with Christ, Thou that preparest us for glory, and deliver me from sin! Christ has done His part, in the purchase of redemption, and in preparing me for thy finishing hand. Come, O death, bring forth thy topstone with shouting, Grace, grace unto it!' Finish the work, and prepare me for the Lord."
After this discourse, I almost despaired of holding out to the end. I would have given a thousand pounds, had I so much money at command, not to have heard it. The consequences might have been worse, only a friend in the city had let me read a letter from Mr. Brandon, then in the Colchester Circuit, giving an account how he had attained the grace of sanctification. I thought I should, situate as I was; one day be conquered. On naming this to Mr. Darney, he advised me to marry. What a variety of helps there must be, in addition to what Thou, O Lord, hast done! Nay, death must lend the finishing hand. I almost repent coming up from Purfleet.
24th. — This evening my continual prayer was answered. Mr. Wesley arrived, in perfect health, just in time to step into the pulpit, and preach on Psalm lxxxi. 10: "Open thy mouth wide, and I will fill it." What an extensive promise, — Ask, and have! This discourse, opportunely removed my doubts about an instantaneous salvation; yet, otherwise, I was blessed under Mr. Darney's sermons.
I see, when we enter the field against the world, the flesh, and the devil, we must hang out the bloody flag, — to conquer or die; — no quarter to the old man; and victory is sure to the persevering soul.
December 25th. —This morning I rose early, and met the society at four o'clock. At night, we had buns, after the manner of the London lovefeasts; and God blessed us together. I received a very comfortable letter from Mr. Wesley, in answer to mine of the 17th. But, O! my soul for the last six weeks has been greatly afflicted with nervous gloom, and sorely harassed with temptations, often more than I thought nature could have borne. This must be my infirmity, since I have peace with God.
26th. —This morning, I could almost believe that God had cleansed my heart from sin; not from any more comfortable communion I had, with God; but I thought it must be near, and that I ought to enjoy it, as it were, by anticipation, — a sure way to bring it by believing. Lord, do Thou confirm it by the testimony of Thy Spirit! Amen.
January 1st, 1766. — By the mercy and goodness of God I am brought safely to the beginning of the new year. May the Lord grant that I may improve the mercies of my added life, and spend every hour to His glory! In the evening, I went to the renewal of the covenant at Spitalfields chapel. It was a solemn and devout season, and God was eminently present. I now find an abiding sense of His love to my soul, and confidence to believe that my sins are blotted out; yet the enemy sometimes causes me to doubt a little, though not now with either pain or fear. The cause is, feeling some emotions of pride, and a desire of the esteem of men: I start at the thought, and pray to be delivered from them.
16th. — I was much blessed this morning at prayer, and felt encouraged to believe that the Lord had cleansed my heart from sin: yet, sometimes in the day, I felt fretfulness and wandering thoughts.
