What you're telling me is that you have a lot of reasons to believe your story about him not being allowed to smoke. Noga: And when you figure that out, you can teach me how you did it.
Gleaning Thoughts: IDENTIFYING YOUR SUFFERING
The Rant
Chana: And how do you react when you think Katlyn thinks you're a slob. She's doing the dishes and the thought of Katlyn thinking you're a slob doesn't exist.
The Survey
Chana: What you can't do when you believe that weak people are shallow. Chana: Can you reach your weight and health goals by believing that skinny people are shallow?
The Thought Bank
When they are stuck in your mind, it is as if they were locked in the vault. Meredith: It seems like I'm in my business, but in reality it is more than I am in my children's business - as if their lives will be destroyed if I do not play with them.
The ATM
How do you react when you believe the thought that you are out of control. Chana: You're out of control and that means you're in danger, isn't it true.
Tower of Babble
As with a real building, it's easier to topple the central pillars in Tower of Babble than trying to topple the entire structure at once. Identify the key thoughts that keep a Tower of Babble up when you are overwhelmed by a particularly challenging belief.
Just Desserts Chart
I asked Melanie to visualize her life ten years into the future with a man she considers a "winner." She could see everything from what their home would look like to how they spent their time together. Such a chart collects all the beliefs that support the Tower of Babble about why Melanie has not moved forward in this area of her life.
In order to build a solid bank of thoughts on the subject, I gave her homework to complete what I call a just-dessert chart. Using the Just Desserts Chart, Melanie was able to build a Mind Bank that served as the basis for the next few meetings.
The Obstacle Course
Rather than trying to overcome something so intangible, it's easier to work with actual words. Dan: That I've always lived in a city and it's ridiculous to think I'd ever actually move to a lake.
Words to Suffer By: DISSECTING YOUR SUFFERING
Should-Ing Belongs in the Outhouse
Chana: Have you ever said or done something to someone else that felt like a “stab in the back?”. Or when I read about a stabbing in the news, I imagine it over and over again in my head. You can feel more peaceful by not stabbing others in the back or replaying those images in your head.
One fascinating byproduct of Should statements is that they always lead us in the opposite direction to what we intended.
Fishing for Trouble
Chana: What else comes when you believe the thought that your father should support your choices. Chana: What you are unable to do when you believe your father should support your choices. Chana: Can you think of a peaceful reason to hold the view that your father should support your choices.
Chana: Can you think of a peaceful reason to hold on to the idea that your father should support you?
Monsters Under the Bed
Chana: What do you think would happen if you didn't believe you were going to say something completely wrong. Chana: So if you don't believe you can say something, then you will say something. Chana: And how do you react when you believe the thought that you are worthless.
Chana: What can't you do if you believe the thought that you are worthless.
Caught up in Dramatics
Imagine sitting on the bus without the thought that you can't stand the commute. So too with experiences we call "a pain in the butt", "horrific" or beyond our ability to "handle". Randy's dramatic language makes her feel panicked, tired and upset. Notice what happens to you when you believe it is like an oven, and you are packed like sardines.
It's important to identify these language pitfalls so you can more consciously choose how to tell the story of your life.
Double Bind Study
The statement on which he scored the highest was: "Rich people are evil." Immediately we knew Greg was caught in a Bind of lose-lose. Greg no longer wanted to be a loser in the money game, so we used Inquiry to question his thinking. Chana: Now look what happens when the belief that rich people are evil comes up.
Greg: Yes, I want to grow as a person and I want my business to be a vehicle for that.
Dead Weight
You know you're carrying around Dead Weight when something you desire is dragging around something you loathe. Chana: So, when you believe that if you ask for help, people will think you are weak, what is the thing you desire. Can you absolutely know that it is true that asking for help means you are weak.
Now, how do you react when you think that asking for help means there is something wrong with you.
Reaction Contraction: EXPERIENCING YOUR SUFFERING
The Anatomy of Feedback
In my workshops I like to give participants a taste of what I call the Anatomy of Feedback: their unique physiological and psychological response to truth or untruth. Now you have your unique Anatomy of Falsehood on paper as a reference for the future. Take three more slow, deep breaths, open your eyes, and write down your answers (if you are guiding someone else, repeat each question one by one).
Use the Anatomy of Feedback if you are unaware of your psychological or physiological response to stressful thoughts.
The Experience Buffet
In the dialogue below, you will see many of the "dishes" in the experience buffet in action. Can you think of a specific time when you harbored the belief that she did not respect you. And in that moment, how do you treat yourself if you believe she doesn't respect you.
And what can't you do if you think she doesn't respect you?
TheTime Machine
Chana: When was the first time you remember thinking you might take advantage of someone? Chana: What can't you do if you think you're taking advantage of Dad? Chana: Now imagine sitting there doing your homework and not thinking you're taking advantage of Dad.
Chana: Is that how you feel when you think someone is taking advantage of you?
There’s No Business like Your Business
There is so much we can do to provide service, to make a difference in the world - no matter how big or small our circle of influence. If we are exposed to these issues and are concerned about them, then they lie within our Circle of Concern. It is also true that the more I invest in my Circle of Influence, the more it expands and the more effective I am in the world.
When we revolve around the part of our circle of worry over which we have no control, we tend to feel angry, sad, or frustrated.
The Courtroom
Chana: And tell me what you can't do when you believe your thoughts. This is your power center; there you have the energy that vitalizes you, sustains your body, and drives your actions. Heather: My thinking doesn't work to show me all the ways I've tried to achieve my goals.
Use the Courtroom image to better understand how, by assessing yourself, you left your company.
The Addiction Loop and Aggression Tailspin
Chana: How do you respond when you think things aren't going well for you? We can go in and out of the Addiction Loop and Aggression Tailspin, so it's important to think of them as a linked system. Chana: Can you absolutely know that it's true that things never work out for you?
It's working for me, even though I was hesitant at first to start sharing my ideas online.
A Fresh Pair of Lenses: UPENDING YOUR SUFFERING
The Little Green Troll
Chana: It bothers you more that he's coming into your room or that you're not sleeping at night. Sam: He depends on me for everything and is used to asking me for help when he needs it. He doesn't know how to sleep, so if he wakes up, he comes to me.
I find personification not only useful, but playful and fun; The little green troll is not so bad when he swallows Snickers.
Lessons from Your Opponent
The thought that my mother doesn't love me contains many lessons that can be revealed by saying the opposite. Chana: Give me three reasons why it's true that your mother doesn't love you, and that's okay. Chana: Can you give me one more reason why your mother doesn't love you and that's okay.
Chana: I want you to finish this sentence: your mom doesn't like you and she means it.
Action Superhero
This repetition can reinforce the belief that he is clumsy, and he will interpret every misstep through this lens and use it as further evidence of his clumsiness. Over the years, the neural connections around the belief become denser and stronger, further encouraging him to jump to "I'm awkward" whenever he wants to understand a situation where his body isn't working perfectly. He might not try out for soccer when he's friendly, or he might hesitate to learn to cook because he's afraid of handling dangerous kitchen utensils.
He wants to believe that his behavior is justified, so he will further reinforce the idea that he is clumsy with other supportive thoughts such as "I'm not coordinated," "I've never been good at sports," or "Cooking isn't my thing thing." Action has the dual effect of strengthening the original neural connections and building a web of beliefs around them, a veritable Tower of Babel.
Afterword
Bibliography
