If the narcissist in your life is, in fact, an overtly maladjusted narcissist, don't despair. The narcissist in your life can best be characterized as spoiled as well as dependent.
Spoiled-Dependent
See if you can identify his or her type from the lists of behaviors below. Of course, if you know this person's childhood history, you may already have some useful clues.).
Deprived-Dependent
Vulnerability to harm or illness. Exaggerated fear that imminent catastrophe will strike at any time and that you will be unable to prevent it
Enmeshment/undeveloped self. Excessive emotional involvement and closeness with one or more significant others (often parents) at the expense of
Surrendering too much control to others because you feel compelled to—usually to avoid anger, revenge, or abandonment. Excessive focus on voluntarily meeting the needs of others in everyday situations at the expense of your own pleasure.
Unrelenting standards/hypercriticalness. The underlying belief that you must strive to meet very high internalized standards of behavior and
As a result, you may be inclined to act out your schemes of self-sacrifice and submission by giving in every time the narcissist in your life activates the “play” button on your internal ribbon. The more you surrender to your beliefs of self-sacrifice and submission, perhaps by enabling the narcissist's bad habits or by remaining silent as required, the more power these beliefs will gain to hold you back. Mistrust/Abuse: With this schema, your relationship with the narcissist when they are in their abusive or abusive mode feels like a re-enactment of the past.
You compromise pleasure and spontaneity in an effort to meet the narcissist's standards. Now, as you read the following list of schemes typical of narcissists, notice how the narcissist tries to fight or overcompensate for his schemes. If you have an abandonment schema - one that predicts an exaggerated number of losses and rejections -. you may, in spite of your efforts to evade it, end up singing the old familiar verses of the scheme.
Louis’s Story
To understand the power and possibility of change, we need to take a closer look at the brain's elegant and intricately complex apparatus and how it relates to both nature (genetic precursors such as temperament) and nurture (the safety or lack thereof within) parent-child - ratio). This is an example of your brain on a mission to seek the familiar and predictable. We are all pleasure seekers who rely on the power of the brain (which is hard-wired to avoid pain) to help us find our way out of unpleasant situations.
Your life's learned experiences, along with your innate desire, inclinations, and idiosyncratic makeup, are recorded in many categorical memory folders in your brain. The story of your experience is powerful and can dominate your reactions, but it is not necessarily relevant to the here and now. As part of the human condition, we are fundamentally driven by memories, both explicit (those we remember vividly) and implicit (those we remember without knowing we are remembering them).
Young Louis: The Burgeoning Narcissist
If you're like most people, you'll find that different schedules seem to fit. In this exercise you will also consider what leverage you have to attract the attention of the narcissist in your life and position that person for change. Now that you have become aware of difficult thoughts, emotions and sensations and experienced how your breathing can soften their impact, you are conjuring up an image of the narcissist in your life.
Later in the chapter, you will learn more communication skills and have more chances to rehearse successful interactions with the narcissist in your life. When you engage in the show, you realize that you are in the company of someone who hungers for the adoration and envy of others. When dealing with bullies, recognize that you are in the company of someone who has a rigid distrust of people and their motives.
Wrapped in the comforting embrace of your strong inner advocate, you are clothed in courage and integrity. When dealing with the self-soothing addict, recognize that you are dealing with someone who is in a state of unsuspecting avoidance.
Samantha and Todd’s Story
The offended partner must feel safe enough to accept the narcissist's changes and to recognize and appreciate any signs of empathy he shows, whether solicited or unsolicited. That said, the narcissist's skill at using his charm can make it difficult to determine if he is truly unserviceable. Being angry and fed up temporarily thickens your skin against the narcissist's condescending behavior, or so it seems.
You don't have to compromise your values or integrity in the face of the narcissist's demands. But to advance your interpersonal effectiveness and achieve more rewarding results, you need more than a fit mind and aligned inner wisdom; you really need to understand who the narcissist is. Instead of tuning in to others, the narcissist remains caught up in the distracting pursuit of approval: How am I?
Sue and Don’s Story
The Art of Mutual Respect
You accept the narcissist's different point of view or preferences without becoming critical, defending your point of view, or discarding your own opinions. You are committed to understanding, compromise and mutual respect for each other's thoughts, beliefs and desires. Let's say your husband tells you, "I've decided who I'm going to hire to take care of the lawn and garden this season," and you have a different take on the subject.
You respond in a way that communicates mutual respect: "I can understand how strongly you feel about hiring Mr. I feel a little conflicted about our options because my friend Jude's son is in such desperate need of work right now, and I'll feel bad not giving him the job. Perhaps you can help me see why this may or may not be the best solution." Should the narcissist respond in an entitled, impatient, or condescending manner, you can refer back to Chapter 7 to use the Implicit Rule of Assumption (which gives the other person the benefit of the doubt) and establish reciprocity.
The Art of Self-Disclosure
The Art of Discernment
Although you are offended by his malice, you understand the power of his leadership schemes. Then you say, “I know you're busy, but I need a few moments of your time. You are right: we have made the journey many times and know exactly how long it takes to get to your father's house.
I understand the pressure you are feeling at work and the burden of maintaining our lifestyle. Look, honey, it's me - the one who knows you and thinks you're doing a great job, the one who really understands you. I know you're trying to be closer to him now that he's slimmed down a bit.
The Art of Collaboration
If the situation remains heated, consider taking a time-out so you can both cool down and engage in self-reflection before meeting again. While you can't always predict what will trigger you and the narcissist in your life, you can artfully offer the gift of cooperation. And if you want to shop, you'd better plan an early lunch or a late dinner.
You have worked hard on this relationship and can largely accept that your mother has many limitations when it comes to expressing her love and appreciation for you. Before you respond, remind yourself that you love your mother, even if you're not always sure why. With that, you can go back to the phone and say, “Mom, look how hard it is for us to ask for what we need from each other.
The Art of Anticipating Clashes
Unfortunately, dealing with him is not the same as the sharp bend in the road on the way to work. So far, you have been unable to find a way to avoid the confusion in your relationship with your father and maintain a securely intact you. You know that he overcompensates for his feelings of inadequacy through his work and competitiveness, and you know that he can become defensive when confronted about his carelessness towards his loved ones.
You also know that he needs time to synthesize information and is not responding well at the moment. I know that you are sensitive to my opinion of you and that you care about me very much. I know you're not into "touchy-feely" talk, as you call it, but I miss you and I'm disappointed when you cancel our dates.
The Art of the Apology
I know how important your work is to you and how everyone in the family has benefited from your success. Therefore, you model an apology that is based on a compassionate understanding of how and why certain messages hurt him in the hopes that he will learn how to offer an apology that also reflects an appreciation of your sensitivity. You are grounded in the other person's experience, not focused on a mission of personal redemption.
But lately you've been distracted, stressed, and prone to being late, even with him. You know you've been sloppy about managing your time and availability lately, but you haven't been honest about it. I know how you felt forgotten and even stupid in the eyes of others when your mother was not responsible.
The Art of Reflective Listening
Wasn't I the one who single-handedly took this marketing team to the top last year. You've been listening quietly with your eyes fixed on him, though he only occasionally looks directly at you. But now that he's given an opening for a reflective, elaborative, and supportive response, you reply, “It's clear you feel very upset.
Narcissists are usually not the type of people to voluntarily seek help, coaching, or any assistance in breaking down their impenetrable emotional walls. In the Resources section, you will find contact information for organizations that can help you find a therapist. Living Your Best Life: Ten Strategies for Getting From Where You Are to Where You Should Be.
