This chapter describes some of the approaches by which couples in midlife crisis can be helped to grow through counseling. Or, use the book to enhance the middle years program at your church, school, or. For most midyears I know, this period has brought new pressures and problems, but also exciting new opportunities.
People in middle age are enjoying life and contributing in fulfilling ways to their families, their communities, theirs. But for many others, the rich possibilities of the middle years are undiscovered and undeveloped. These three work concepts are simply different facets of an overall creative lifestyle in the middle years.
Twelve Strategies for Making the Most of the Mid-Years
In the middle years it's important to take the time to become best friends with the one person you are. Much of the anger experienced in the middle years is a natural response to the losses of these years. Since midlife usually brings accelerated loss, grief is a major component in the crisis.
The fact that tragedy, pain and loss are part of the fabric of which our lives are woven becomes increasingly inevitable in the middle years.
Enriching Mid-Years Marriages
For middle-aged couples in serious or chronic marital crisis, competent. marriage counseling should precede involvement in enrichment events. If you are a middle-aged couple who still love each other but want to spice up your marriage, marriage enrichment is for you. A well-growing midlife marriage is an achievement that both partners have a right to be proud of.
Here are some of the things that you, as a half-yearly couple, may need to do to rekindle your relationship: (a) Make a careful evaluation of where you are and where you want to go in your marriage. If you lead marriage enrichment workshops and do counseling, your approach should help couples accomplish these mid-year tasks. The use of these instruments encourages middle-aged couples who feel "stuck in a rut" to explore and develop new dimensions of their relationship.
But since reconnection is such a key skill in both midterm marriage enrichment and crisis counseling, an explicit explanation is in order. In marriage enrichment, age-mixed groups tend to be more viable than groups made up exclusively of middle-aged couples. Some middle-aged couples resist attending marriage enrichment events because. a misconception expressed by one woman: "It's for young people."
If you are a middle-aged couple with an open, growing relationship, a love of people and a. Together, create and implement a plan that will enable the maximum number of middle-aged couples in your church and community to learn how to develop more satisfying, generative, and purposeful marriages.
Revising Priorities and Values
Of course, those of us in middle age have no idea about value struggles. Due to the attachment to time and the awareness of mortality, the value crunch in midlife is even more painful for many. This pain is compounded by the fact that wrong values and decisions in the past have closed many possibilities in the present and future.
Or should you reallocate your time and energy to invest more of yourself in the things that really matter to you. The marriage examination and covenant review suggested in the previous chapter are ways to reevaluate and improve that important aspect of your life. If you've used those tools, you're already well into the process of making your life investment plan serve you better.
The books by Sidney Simons and Bryan Hall in the annotated bibliography describe a variety of value clarification tools that can be useful in midlife. Do my (our) values and priorities, and the lifestyle they produce, enable me (us) to maintain strong physical-emotional health in midlife. Gradually shifting one's energy from outward achievements to inner fulfillment is a necessary value shift in middle age.
A strong ecological or social conscience is more essential today than ever before in human history. We can have a good life in the coming decades only if we expand our circles of care beyond our marriages and family, to care for and for the whole earth and its peoples.
Methods of Spiritual Enrichment and Inner Renewal
He is a member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Counselors and the American Association of Pastoral Counselors. The fast pace of midlife makes it essential to develop effective methods of concentration -- ways of contacting and renewing inner space. 34; peak experiences," small moments of self-actualization that are one of the ways we grow.
34;now" through meditation, we can increase awareness of the moments of uplift that are easily overlooked in our busy lives and inner dullness. In plateau times, when life fails, it helps to return to these notes and enjoy reliving the peak experience of a child's smile, a breathtaking sunset, a touching encounter with a person, a sexual climax, a majestic flow of music, a sense of connection with the flow of life and with the Spirit of the universe Before any of us can be reborn into more open, loving marriages, some of the self-absorption and defensiveness that distances us from one another must die.
Peak experiences are invaluable resources for constructively dealing with the accelerating losses of the middle years. In these fleeting moments of rebirth into larger dimensions of self, relationships and Spirit, some of the larger life becomes experiential. Letting go of the childish emotions we project onto the universe can free us to experience the reality of the energizing spirit of growth and love.
The realism and spiritual hunger of middle age can give courage to risk letting go of outdated beliefs. Such experiences help us to become aware of the good - the image of God - within us.
Enhancing Mid-Years Sex
Start by letting go of the negative myths and replace them with the facts about mid-year sex. 'normal', for those who grew up in our culture at the time those in their mid-aughts did, to have some problems with sex. Many couples find it liberating to read a book together that suggests ways to increase sex. adventure and playfulness of sex - for example that of Alex Comfort, James McGary and the Hunts in the Bibliography.
The chapter "Increasing Sexual Intimacy" in Intimate Marriage and the chapter "Liberated Sex" in Meet Me in the Middle suggest attitudes and approaches that can revitalize sex in middle age. Don't expect the sex to be beautiful if any of this makes you feel exploited, cheated on, or unfulfilled in your marriage. Good sex, in terms of transactional analysis, requires turning off your inner Parent and turning on your playful Child.* This involves forgetting for a while the schedules, responsibilities and duties that often weigh on mid-year.
Turning on the inner child is difficult if teenage children (who are very capable of activating our parenting side) are still at home. These three things, along with the pressure to "succeed" in the bedroom, most often interfere with satisfying sex in the middle years. In the early years of marriage, most of us have the youthful stamina to enjoy regular late-night sex after everything else has been done.
But in middle age and beyond, it becomes increasingly important for good sex to avoid such busyness and fatigue. But heavy drinking tends to interfere with erections and orgasms, especially in middle age.
Creative Approaches to Mid-Years;
Parenting and the Empty Nest
Growth Counseling for Mid-Years Marriage Crises
Many midlife couples are in pain, including many who on the surface seem to have no major problems. Many midlife couples in marital crisis have had a functioning marriage for years. The growth counseling approach is particularly helpful in helping individuals and couples deal constructively with severe midlife stresses.
If it is asked prematurely, the caring that may still be there in the relationship is buried under anger and hurt. Many middle-aged couples feel deeply embarrassed and hopeless about themselves and their relationship by the time they come for counseling. Most of the guidelines and methods described in the first seven chapters of this book can be used in mid-year marriage counseling as well as in enrichment sessions.
A large part of mid-year marriage counseling is simply personal instruction and coaching to help a couple apply the twelve strategies (Chapter 2) in their individual lives and in their relationships with each other. For this reason, it is wise to ask all people in mid-years counseling, "Have you suffered a major loss in recent years?" If they are, and the grief wound has not yet healed, the first and perhaps most basic help they need is to complete their grief work. Affairs in the mid-aughts are often "last flings." They are desperate attempts to recapture one's lost youth or find moments of ecstasy to compensate for a dull, dreary marriage "before it's too late."
In many cases, middle-aged couples discover that they are better off staying in their long-term marriage rather than breaking up the relationship in the hope of finding greener pastures elsewhere. Midlife realism and a heightened awareness of the fleeting passage of time can help some face the fact that their only hope for a fulfilled life is ending a dead or dead marriage.
Annotated Bibliography
Discusses principles and methods that can be helpful to those experiencing mid-year losses. Descriptions of the marriage and family enrichment program and resources of twenty-one individuals or groups with experience in this area.