ROTC holds ariti sit-in sit-in at lecture

(1)

By R. RAMJET

Last Monday twelve cadets of the R.O.T.C. department held a thirty minute sit-in dem- onstration at the Civilization lecture on Karl Marx.. V

Reliable sources have it that certain segments of our campus have been greatly alarmed by the last semester's rash of

"unpatriotic" activities here.

To counter these doings, a newly formed group, compos- ed of responsible young indfc viduals, elected to hold an an- ti-sit-in sit-in.

I made it a point to get to Alumni Hall early so as to enjoy the spring morning (nine degrees, variable cloudiness with intermitent periods of sleet and freezing rain).

Civilization class was in full swing under the able rule of the Venerable Old Professor

<the names have been deleted in the name of journalistic dis-

cretion). V The student turnout was the

best in weeks; even though half the students were snoring loudly and the other five were busy drawing uncomplimentary

pictures of the Venerable Old Professor in their notebooks.

Things began to happen when the Venerable Old Pro- fessor asked, "Now, just who was Karl Marx,"

"He was a Commie," growled a voice from the rear of the auditorium, and in strode eleven R.O.T.C. cadets (in full uniform), led by the ramrod straight Cadet Colonel and a Military Science instructor (a major), short and built rather like a truck driver, who walk- ed with something between a strut and an amble.

"What is the meaning of this?" demanded the Venera- ble Old Professor.

Only after the strangers had completely iftnged, the podium (including the Venerable Old Professor) and sung a chorus of "Join the Action Army"

did one of them speak up. I moved in close to get every word on my tape recorder.

The Major cleared his throat and growled: "Sir, we feel it our duty to inform you that you may not teach vile and dis-

gusting Communism to these

impressionable freshmen." I noted that the Major spoke slowly as if words over two syllables gave him trouble.

Before the Venerable Old Professor could answer, he was startled by the Cadet Colonel,

"ATTENTION! DOWN SIT!"

And all the RO.T.C.ites sat in a circle around the podium and you know who.

So loud was the Cadet Col- onel's mouth that it attracted people from all over the campus to Alumni Hall. Even the Administration, ever bu s y, managed to find its way up there in the persons of the Dean of Students, the Dean of

the College of Liberal Arts (who for some unaccountable reason kept yelling "Moral Harassment" throughout the proceedings), the Dean of the State College of Ceramics and the ever vigilant Dean of Wo- men.

The Major, apparently filled with confidence; took a written statement from his pocket and began to growl slowly:

"We, the United Non-violent Committee in Opposition to

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Two texts on Marxism helped to spark the ROTC sit-in.

if1!

FIAT NOX

ALFRED UNIVERSITY'S STUDENT NEWSPAPER • SINCE TODAY

VOL. 1, NO. 1 ALFRED, NEW YORK, JANUARY 16, 1968 PHONE 587-5402

Un-American Teachings Here, or simply U.N.C.O.U.T.H., are dedicated to the proposition that the teaching of Godless, atheistic Communism shall not hence forth and forever, be taught at Alfred University.

He paused a moment, obvi- ously proud of his reading abil- ities, then said: "Me and my boys have nothing against the Venerable Old Professor, it'«

just that if you don't stop the Reds at Alfred you'll have to stop them at Cortland or Gen- eseo. We can't allow Redism to spread. We have to protect our wives and daughters."

Here the major began to weep in a moment of overpowering emotion, "Look what went on last semester; all kinds of wreaths and fasts and . . . and even a nice clean-cut, deoder- ized United States Army r e

"Yeah!!" shouted the Cadet Colonel in a burst of uncon- trolled fervor.

"Shuddup," growled the Ma- jor, "this is my shtick. Get your own show."

"I can see your point, men,"

said the Dean of Students,

"but after all we didn't let that other group get away with sitting-in and, in the interest of fair play you must realize what you've done to the Venerable Old Professor."

Indeed the old fellow stood frozen in the apex of the circle, motionless and apparently in a state of severe shock at having his lecture interrupted.

'Wow," said the Dean toC Students, "are you going to move these boys?"

"No."

"Oh, isn't this horrible?"

asked the Dean of Ceramics of

President Kilometers decrees:

Alfred to combine with Oxford

cruiter couldn't even recruit the Dean of* Women.

without being sat around!" (Continued on Page 4)

ISC patrol nabs Frosh

By I. M. PHURST At the most recent meeting of the board of trustees, the newly elected President Le- land Kilometers disclosed his startling but unique ambition for Alfred University. Presi- dent Kilometers explained that for the satisfaction of his personal interests he accepted his position at Alfred with the se- cret intent that within the year 1968 the present campus in its entirety would be trans-

ported to the adjoining lands of Oxford University in Eng- land—the alma mater of Sir Thomas More, the sixteenth century statesman and Cath- olic bishop.

The president's arguments indicated his thoughtful consideration in proposing such a manuevre. He assured the board who were sceptic of any change that the beloved, aes- thetically perfect Concord Ed- el structure would arrive without further distortion.

Further, to gain support from the trustees, he compli- mented them on the new white face of Alumni Hall; this new painting, he commented, will present an edifice which will not prove a disgrace to the admirable Medieval architec- tural suroundings.

With regard to the new science center, Kilometers announced that ever since the building was begun each brick was numbered secretly to in- sure an easy reconstruction in the transport.

Since the iboard appeared reluctant to agree with the president's dream, Kilometer's

praised the successful transplant of the Gothic which was moved by the support of the same trustees. The president felt that with similar outstand- ing ingenuity his plan could be completed.

To carry out his scheme from which Alfred would finally emerge as a first, Kilometers hopes to convince conservation authorities to flood the Alfred valley with a more effective dam on the Kanakadea.

With this massive body of water, Kilometers intends to discover a Northeast passage to the Atlantic whereby the campus can easily be shipped to England.

When questioned about his motives in action, Kilometers stated, "A transplant to Ox- ford will demonstrate to un- beliving alumni and faculty that there is a richer tradition existing outside of Alfred, 'the mother of men.'"

Last week in the Brick, two underclasswomen were discovered discussing sororities. This type of discussion is a definite violation of the rules set up by ISC.

The conversation of the violators went as follows:

"Will we live in Kruson next year?"

"Unless we join a sorority."

"How many sororities are there?"

At this point one girl start- ed to name the sororities but was interrupted by an ISC pat-

SWA praises visitation liberalization

The discussion at last Tues- day's SWA (Society of Women at Alfred) meeting roared to a climax when SWA president Cookie Heffner announced that the long-awaited Univer- sity decision on the apartment visitation procedure had been reached.

The representatives cheered and stomped their feet at the announcement that Dean of Women, Jayne Locksail had officially approved the SWA resolution amending the long- standing but unenforced regulation that prohibits women students from entering men's apartments.

The regulation, in the form of a tentative interim pro- posal, has been amended to read "Undergraduate women students who have not yet reached the age of 21 may not enter men's apartments without written parental permission."

The new regulation will go

into effect on Sept. 1.

Permission forms wifllL foe sent to each coed during the summer months. If signed by both parents, and certified by a C.P.A. and/ three witnesses, not more than two of whom may be Alfred alumni, the permission slip will be caiisid- ered valid for a period of three monthls.

All certified permission slips will be photostated by the Uni- versity. The photostated1 copy will remlain on file in the office of the dean of women.

The coed is to retain the original copy! She must be able to present it to any in- vestigating official of the Uni- versity upon 24 minute notice whenever she is found in a man's apartment within a 37 mile radius of Alfred.

Failure to present the docu- ment may result in tempor- ary suspension of the student ait the discretion of the dean of students In consultation with the dean of women and

the faculty representative to the Women's Senior Court.

However, the administration pointed out that the student would incur no penalty if she remembered to carry her validated permission slip with her at all times and Com- plied with the regular SWA regulations regarding signing in and out of her residence.

The University reminds the Student foody that this new ruling permitting women to ên- ter men's, apartments is no way erases the existing rule which prohibits men students from allowing women to enter their apartments.

One expected result of the new ruling is an increase In the number of applications for apartments submitted to the office of the dean of men. It appears that the competition to acquire University-approved off-campuS housing will be considerably more i n t e n s e than in previous years.

rol which leaped in from a fire escape to enforce the ISC rules.

According to these rules, freshmen are not allowed to mention the word "sorority,"

walk within a block of one of the houses, or show any sign of partiality tô a house in one way or another.

Conversation with a sorority member is allowed on special occasions,but only if members of the other sororities are present.

If there are any questions concerning the sororities, such as "Where are they located?"

or "Which girls belong?", they may be asked, but only after the inquirer has been a sister for two years.

The alert ISC patrols which form the police force for the council are made up of members of each house who roam the campus 24 hours a day in search of violators.

Along with wiring the dormitory rooms and listening in on telephone conversations, they are the chief means of enforcing ISC rules.

The two girls involved in this incident will receive the usual punishment. They will never be allowed to join a sorority or speak to any of thé members. If they demonstrate suitable behavior during the next three years, the latter/

part of their sentence could possibly be withdrawn.

It was suggested that the one girl be suspended for men- tioning one sorority before the other two when naming them.

It is doubtful, however, that such an action will be taken.

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Phi Upsilon to rush President

"I wanna do it"

Even back in the good old days, the remote, primeval an- cestors of the Rogues and of Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band were swinging away with their lutes and lyres.

In 1941, the scandal-concious public was shocked by "rag dancing" and an editorial tried to discuss the situation intelli- gently, as editorials are prone to try to do.

My predecessor wrote:

"It is not our purpose to criticize the new dances nor ¡to eulogize them. As far as we are concerned we fall to see any harm in the more moderate of them, when performed in good company.

"But we do see harm in the indulgence of a few people in these dances at a dance where it has been expressly forbidden and we see more harm in the insistance of these people even after being requested, in Some cases several times, to confine themselves to the approved two-step, waltz, schottische, and plain Boston.

"Is it even gentlemanly or lady-like to ignore every request of the committee that they stop "ragging."? Is it right that a few people should, through pure selfishness, give the social com- miittee grounds for refusing to give us more dances?

Are the interets of the majority to be sacrificed to the de- sires of the few? Or must we all suffer the consequences of this lack of consideration on the part of the minority? We trust not."

That is what he wrote. It would be easy enough to tie it in with that quotation from Aristole, or some ancient Greek, about "What's this younger generation coming to?"

But I am not going to tie it in with anything. I am not going to suggest that my worthy predecessor meant his editorial as an allegory, nor am I going to hint ithat I mean this one as such.

Take from it what you will.

Take from this paper what you will. Inread all you want;

it will probably be good practice for your English finals. Engage in a glorious quest for symbolism and double-entendres. Let this paper or this editorial call to mind any current situation that is on your mind.

Study hard, ace your finals, plan ahead for a glorious April Fool's Bay, and If you have read this far in, this editorial and feel a desire to reread it, remember that Snoopy, hero of our generation, says "Todaüce is to live."

Or was it "To live is to dance?"

FIAT LUX

ALFRED UNIVERSITY'S STUDENT NEWSPAPER ALFRED, NEW YORK 14802

Editor in Chief: Miriam Hils ( Contributing Editors: Steve and Betsy Carry

Letters to tbe Editor Editor: Panl Köhler Sports Editor: LeUa Tapper Fashion Editor: Alex Yunevich Foreign Bureau Chief : Robert Mittenbahler

Cug Reporter: Larry Dale Asst. Cub Reporter: Jane Pickering

Bepretented by

National Educational Advertising Service, Inc.

Member of the United States Student Preee Assoc.

Member of Associated Collegiate Press Opinion* emprsued under byHne* i s fMt m m - W y ^ « » not neeesMrdy Mom of Tho Editorial

It was revealed today, by I.F.C. president Peter Dobson that Phi Upsilon Pi has made an attempt to rush Leland Kil- ometers. It has been noted, on several occasions, that Leland has been surrounded by a bo-

dy guard of the Phi-Up broth- erhood1.

Although Phi-Up's r u s h seems highly persuasive it appears that Leland will be un- able to be tapped because of scholastic difficulties. Besides the calculated rush on Kilo- meters, Phi-Up has also con- tacted. the respective deans.

This new approach in fraternity rushing, designed by Pe- ter Dobson and other members of the I.F.C., has been looked upon as a device that will definitely strengthen at least one fraternity (Phi-Up).

It is gratifying to realize that Pres. Dobson and Phi-Up have so much foresight and concern for the fraternity system at Alfred.

Phi-Up has also set up a fully paid trip to Florida for the whole male freshman class.

The president of Phi-Up stated that this trip would be purely educational and in no way would be facilitated to influ- ence the freshmen in their choice of a fraternity.

Alfred's beanie-clad president leaves for a rush party.

These self sacrificing ges- eventually lead to rebuilding of the fraternity system at Al- fred.

Phi-Up revealed today that tures by Phi Upsilon Pi should

be looked upon as only the start of a program that will

Pre-dawn raid cramps infirmary

By A. P. ROITERS The Fiat Nox's special cor-

FIAT NOX

2 ' Alfred, N.Y.

January 16,1968

respondents have learned from informed sources that the un- usual iback-up of sick students in the infirmary is due to the sudden abduction of our doctor and his competent staff.

At four a m. last Thursday, a squad of Israeli commandoes seized the health staff and disappeared with them. On Saturday morning the administration received a cable from Jerusalem explaining the un- orthodox intrigue.

The official communique identified Dr. Ernst FriedriCh Wolf-Meyerhausen as a fugi- tive from international justice.

Director of the Commission on Experimental Sadism and the Volkspirit from 1933 to 1945, Dr. Woltf-Meyerhausen wias personally responsible for countless atrocities.

Such heinous crimes iais ob- serving how long it would 'take for an append;» to burst before treatment, how much X- radiation the human skin can safely take and the effects of mis-diagnosis of 7,000 patients are cited, as but a few in- stances.

In addition, Dr. Wolf-Meyer- haiusen is indicted for the an- nihilation of 300,000 patients without dirtying his smock.

Awaiting trial along with our former physician is his entire staff. Loyal to the doctor during the period in ques- tion, they fled with him from the Fatherland, first to Ar- gentina, then to Angola, and finally to Alfred.

"We always obeyed. For this we are to be tried?" wonder- ed Mrs. Packt, his first as- sdlstant. "So is loyalty treated in this country of mongrels."

Dr. Wolf-Meyertiausen sto- ically accepts his change of fortune. "I never thought they'd find me here. But I suspected it this year. First the sit-ins. Of course, I'd be next. Bolshevism's red fingers leave nothing sacred. More and more of them are coming to Alfred."

The administration w a s questioned by the Fiat. The deans deferred comment to the president We axe awaiting his return from an inspection

tour of the corn crop in Iowa Student reaction is general ly one of sympathetic shock

"He seiemed an efficient doc tor to me," the Fiat was told

"Never had any trouble with him." "No complaints."

The comments were from frelshmen who had never vis- ited the Health Center.

The Fiat is grieved and

¿hocked that our infirmary could be indicted. We are sure of Dr. Wolf-Meyerhausen's in- nocence in spite of his repeat- ed confessions. To plead the doctor's case, the ¡Fiat Nox has reached down into its pocket to send Dr. Melvin BurnStone to Jerusafliean. We urge the student 'body to stay calm, Stay welt and keep out of drafts until our medical staff returns in triumph.

its future plans include: a rush for all the male faculty, a program of offering bids to brothers of other houses, and setting up a junior chapter of Phi-Up in Hornell High school.

WATCH THIS

SPACE NEXT WEEK!

tSSINS HAS, THROUGH THE

"AGES, BEEN GIVEN A WIPE VARIETY OF IMPLICATIONS...

SOCIAL.HISTORICAL, MORAL AND EVEN MAGICAL. PL1NV, A ROMAN NATURALIST OF THE FIRST CENTURY, PRESCRIBE?

KISSING A DONKEY AS A CURE FOR A TOOTHACHE.

^ H E PERFECT EXAMPLE OF THE INTRI- CACIES BROUGHT TO THE KISS By SOCIETY IS THE HAND KISS. POST WWH COMMUNISTS PECLAREPTHE PRACTICE A "CAPITALIST HANGOVER." RUSSIA HAP OUTLAWEP IT IN 1924, YET TODAY IT IS FREQUENTLY SEEN ON

SOVIET TV.

HE BEARD BOOM OF TODAY WOULD HAVE CREATED HAVOC IN THE I8TH CENTURY.

POPULAR BELIEF HAD IT THAT IF AN UNMARRIED TEENY BOPPER MSSED SOMEONE WITH A MUSTACHE AND GOT A WHISKER IN HER MOUTH THE POOR GIRL WOULD BE

AN OLD MAID.

ROBABLV ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT INFLUENCES ON KISSING, ALONG WITH THE TOOTHBRUSH HAS BEEN THE DEVELOPMENT CP THE MOUTH FRESHENER, SPEAK EASY, A POCKET SEED AEROSOL WITH AFRESH PEPPERMINT TASTE DMT COVERS POOP

AND DRMi ODORS.

s

(3)

L E T T E R S T O T H E E D I T O R

Pinning problem pricks Frosh Essay on unimportance:

a pause that refreshes

To the Editor:

I have a problem. There is no one else that I can turn to so I have decided to turn to you. My roommate says I am hopeless and the girl across the hall is Ou)t so I turn to you as the last resort.

Never in my feeble exist- ence did 1 think that I would ever be doing such a thing as this, yet, alas, it is true.

My problem is this: my best friend's former pinmate has decided that he is now in love with my roommate who in turn is pinned to my best friend's former p i n m a t e's roommate's best friend.

Now, my roommate has mentioned to me that she real- ly no longer cares,for her pinmate .and so would like to break the ties that bind, yet she feels that ¿he Should not leave 'him alone.

The guy that siits next to me in Civ. told me that he would like to go out with my

Critic doubts use of word in article

To the Editor:

I wish to clarify a point made by Mr. Friedman in his most recent diatribe rebutting my refutation of his original query regarding the sincerity of my letter to the editor of Jan. 3, 1922.

His point is well taken, but I cannot for a moment understand his use of the word

"knoll" in the seoond sentence off tlfe third paragraph. It has always been my understand- ing, and a ¿lance at Roget's Thesaurus supports my con- tention, that the word means

"hill, hillock, rise (of ground), mound, hummock."

He seems to have meant the word in reference to a geo- graphical phenomnon as large as the Tech ski silope. I do not wish to make a mountain out of a knoll hall, but I be- lieve your reader« would be well advised to substitute the word "druimlin" for knoll wfeen referring to a land mass as high as that cited by Mr.

Friedman in the above-mentioned paragraph.

Yours faithfully, George Gordon Noel Lord Byron

best friend; my beat friend's former pinmate wants to go out with my roommate; and I, last but not least, wish to cease being a wallflower and go out with my roommate's pinmate.

Oh, by the way, my roommate's pinmate has declared love to me while waiting for my roommate to get ready and I have gleefully answered him with similar statements.

Please rush an answer as I want desperately to get a date out of one of these guys

for St. Pat's.

Yours faithfully,

"How did I getintothis?"

Editor's Reply:

It never ceases to amaze me what situations of near trauma you freshman girls can get yourself into and not seem to safely get out of. There is little advice that one can give you in your time of distress, yet I do have for you a few words of wisdom passed on to me by an old Turkish friend and cohort of mine: "Go back ten yards, and punt!"

Here we are pushing 20 (some of us). "A quarter of our lives are almost palst."

"(Daimn Be Here Soon" by the Lovin' Spoonful). Shazam.

(SHAZAM standis for Solomon, Hercules, Atlas, Zeus, Achil- les and Mercury) we're almost over the hill.

So here we are, nostalgical- ly tripping down trivia lane, with adl the important things

,:n life: Viet Nam. pot and student demonstrations, perhaps we might do well, every once in lawhiiie, to bust our brains thinking of nothing at al.

AU unsolvoble curfew problem solved

Two seemingly unsolvable problems of tha University Rules Committee were dis- solved this week by a single stroke of geniuls o nthe part of General Mills.

The problems of women's curfews and the relative im- portance of R.O.T.C. on the collège campus were simul- taneously erased by the general's rcommendation to place all undergraduate men under full-time control of the R.O.

T.C. department

General Mills, who heads the national R.O.T.C. adminis-

tration with offices on the third ramp of the Pentagon complex in D.C., explained to local University and R.O.T.C.

representatives that the plan has proved effective on several campuses across the nation.

The plan, okayed by the

plan has provoked a variety of opinion from students, faculty members and the administration-

While some contend that the restrictions on the men arc too extreme, others point to the long-standing limitations on the undergraduate women as sufficient precedent for the recent ruling.

In a series of impromptu orations at special house meet- ings called in the various women's iresiiJdiemices on Thurs- day evening the administration explained another phase of the Mills suggestion.

According to U n i v e r s i t y spokesmen, the administration plans to phase out the women's curfew system at Al- fred, now that the men are

securely under lock and key.

The problem of a double standard has not been oblit- erated1 by this new system, but a University spokesman expressed the feeling thit it seemed only fair that after numerous years of a double standard in favor of the male population, it was time for the coeds to enjoy freedom while their beaus abided by strict regulations.

The University expressed its recurrent theme that all curfews might eventually be eventually eliminated.

The new plan will remain in effetot for a trial period of one semester .after which it will be reevaluated by the Com- mittee on Student Conscienc- es.

ine piali, v m j c u u j / . I ' l l *

board of trustees in an early

InnOVdtlOIIS tO h i g h l i g h t dOrfTl

morning session on Thursday, ® « is now in effect. Under the set- The Building Development

up, all men are due back in the barracks by 10 o'clock.

Lights out Is at 11 p.m.

Concerning week-ends, the general suggested that those students who pass inspection during the week ba granted a two-day pass every third week- end of the fiscal year.

National holidays, such as the anniversary of V-J Day and John Glenn's birthday, w/11 be marked by three-day passes for all cadets who prove themselves able to pass a sim- ple test in the military strate- gy of Ghengis Khan and his lieutenants, who conquered both Russia and China in cen- turies past.

The implementation of the

Committee of Alfred Univers- ity announced that the new woman's dormitory Miill be opened for the incoming Sep- tember freshman class.

Due to a shortage of funds several changes had to be made in the original, tasteless plans of Concord Edel.

To eliminate the need for waiters during meals, frozen dinners will be used. Each floor

chairman will be responsible for cooking the meals for the ooedls on her floor.

To save the price of equip- ing and maintaining a laundry room the dorm will pass over the raging waters of the Kan- akadea. The University will provide a large, flat stone that

the girls, for a nominal fee, will be able to beat their clothes on.

The Committee members felt that inside stairs were an un-

necessary expense when the outside fire escapes could serve a double purpose.

Due to the price of glass, cellophane will be used in all windows. It will be held in place by surplus metal bars from prison cell windows.

The cost of plumbing will be suttstantijfffy cut by the installation of outside facilities.

The Administration hopes that everyone will enjoy living the new dormitory and will be filled with great pride that such a magnificent and mod- ern structure can be called a University building.

How long has it been since you wrote to your

MOTHER?

why is it thai men seem never to do

what they are supposed to when we want them to?

why is that we

should thus Inwardly cry

"with them it's hell, but without them we'd die".

JOE'S PLACE

Buy a hogie today before the price goes up or the size of the bread goea down

How high is your I.Q. (iri- sigmiicanue quota). Try soim/e oi these just loir the goOf.

It you aiiswer more than half of these questions, well then, hats off to you as well as Larry.

"•Hats off to Larry by Del Shannon recorded by Big Top Records).

And' if you think that know- ing that O.P. Heggie played the blind beggar in . Son of Frankenstein and' the Maria Ospenskya played the Gypsy Woman in ithe Werewolf ^'Ev- en he who is pure in heart, and says his prayers at night, can become a wolf when the wolfs- bane hlows and the autumn moon is bright") is common knowledge, well then "Good Grief" and "Leaping Lizards"

(in that order).

However, if you get less than five, well then you might just as well go back to meih-, orizing screen crdiits and old T.V. Guides, 'cause yon just ain't making it and you can't hang out.

Questions:

1. What was the name of Peter Pan's pixie sidekick?

2. What wias the Peanut Gal- lery?

3. What is the name of the coach in Archie comics?

4. What was the name of the St. Bernard (ghost, of course) in the Topper series?

5. Who sold vegetables out- sidte Abbot and Costelio's apartment?

6. Name 5 members of Our Gang.

7. In Little Lulu comics, what did Tubby say after solv- ing a case?

8. Who is Gladstone Gan- der?

9. Who sang "Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavor on the Bedpost Over Night?"

10. What is Hugh Heffner's middle initial?

11. Who is Holden Caul- field?

12. What '^builds strong bo- dies 12 ways?"

13. Who was George Stevens?

14. What were the names of the two little Mouseketeers on the Mickey Mouse Club Show?

15. What is the most desir- able monopoly in the Parker Brothers game of the same name?

Answers:

1. TinkenbeH; 2. Whene the kids salt on the Howdy Doody Show; 3. Coach Cleats; 4. Neal (he drank, remember); 5. Mr.

Bachagaloop.

6.Spanky, AMaMa, Darla, Sti- my, Porkey, Buckwheat, Tub- by! 7- 'the Spider spins again!"; 8. Donald Duck's lucky cousin; 9. Lorenie Donni- gan.

10. M; 11. SaBinger's "hero" in The Catcher in the Rye.

12. Wonder Bread (it used to only build them in 8 ways);

13. The Kingfish of Amos and Andy fame; 14. Karen and Cubby; 15. Boardwalk and Park Place.

Join the PIECE CORPS

'Vor King and Country"

FIAT NOX Alfred, N.Y.

January 16, 1968 3

(4)

Mess boasts cess pool

By TWO SIC (sic) EPICURIANS

There has been a rumor circulating on the Alfred campus that Edel Hall, the men's "mess" hall, offers its unwilling cus- tomers cuisine for the grand sum of approximately $275 per semester,

To investigate this paradoxi- cal rumor, we decided not only to sample the delicious food, even though we were reluctant to db so, buit also delve into the food's source. And did we come up with some interesting discooveries!

Would you beliwe it? Un- derneath this magnificent edifice, heretofore unmenifcionted cesspool whose dimensions de- fy human comprehension. Up- on a dose analysis of ifjhls zes- ty stew, we uncovered several interesting varieties of food designed to enhance any de- prived appetite.

firstly, the mystery of the declining dog and cait population in Alfred has been solved. TTiey are now residing or should we say floating in next week's dinner which is chan- neled directly into the kitchen of Edel Hall. This is an aging process whiidh tenderizes and increases the flavor. The 'bar- barians of the Stone Age first discovered the a<Jing process.

Infected Rock Cornish Hens from the animal husbandry center as well as rejected liv-

ers also account for some of this continental cuisine.

Everyone knows where Swe- dish Meatballs originate — in the library, where else? We cquld go on and on, but why create a hunger panic in all of Alfred, which boasts of ma- joring in the human experience of eating food which is worse here than in most penal institutions.

Thus, to change the subject, let lis now relate to you our experience eating a typical Edel Hall meal. On this parti- cular night, we were blessed with Swedish baseballs, mang- led potatoes, and gange-greens.

For dessert we supped on suc- culent cherries emensed in so- lidified gel which had to be cut with a blow torch.

What was left of this meal was immediately sent to Viet- nam, either to be used as mor- tar shells or as a new type of biological warfare.

Half the fun of eating is being iservey by the "'happy faces on the other side of Mur- derer's Row." These people who were probably as sick as

AU begins construction of Jericho Hill complex

Ground was broken on Jer- icho Hill last week for the con-

struction of the new sports

•complex needed for many years at the University, the Fiat learned late Saturday night.

The 18 million dollar complex is a new departure in the designing field, the Uni- versity deciding to make the building as futuristic as possible, choosing a three domed complex in .the shape of a triangle for the new facility! As one high ranking* official commented, "Their (sic) wouldn't be a squared (sic) shaped building on campus for the next 100 years."

Domed arena

Each- dome will contain a sportsarena/ one for basketball, another for swimming, the third for indoor and outdoor track. The domes will be collapsable, splitting at the centers, and folding, away to the sides in twenty seconds.

This will make it possible for the- track to become an outdoor track in. the spring, and the pool to be (sunbaked, if the sun ever comes out.

Each leg of the complex will be five hundred feet long, each of ithem containing different facilities: The legs will be for three different purpos-.

es: wrestling, student entertainment, and sports administration.

Three legs

The student entertainment leg will have bowling allies, hand ball courts and squash courts. The wrestling leg will have one of the finest wrestling facilities in the country, coupled with a fully equipped weight lifting room.

The third leg will contain the administration facilities,

along with a small motel facility for visiting basketball and wrestling teams. Each coach is to have a three room FIAT NOX

4 Alfred, N7Y.

January 16, 1968

suite, linked by closed circuit television to any part of the gym at the push of a button.

Located at the center of the triangle will be a central lock- er room, in the shape of a circle, with the showers at the center of thecircle.

All three domes will be con- nected by underground pas- sageways, enabling the students to go from one area to another without disturbing other activities. Below the lock:

er room will be a small res- taurant fashioned as a hall of fame where the great athletes of the past at Alfred can be remembered after a day of ac- tivity or a.i Alfred victory.

With these new facilities, it is hoped that the Saxons will be able to schedule better op- ponents, and to be able to use the gym as a recruiting factor in the future.

Mono-rail

But one problem has arisen due to the building of the complex on the Hill. It is envision- ed that it will present difficulties in the students being able to travel to the facility.

At the ground breaking ceremony another high official brought this problem in to the conversation, (but announced that the problem has been licked.

The University is about to build a mono-rail from the Campus Center to the triangle, which would run at the speed of 300 miles an hour, the trip taking 40 seconds.

At this spieled it will be possible to move the entire student body to the facility in half an hour. And after heavi- ly attended games, such as against St. Bonaventure in bas ketball, the speed will be in- creased to 500 miles per hour.

The facility will probably be adequate for the student's needs in the near future, but plans are in the making for a structure similar to Madison Square Garden to be built as the need arises.

we were, are so friendly that their faces are grimmaicing from continued smiling.

We were extremely pleased to see this, but not so pleased to find a toe nail in the potatoes and some kind of hair in the cherries. Neverthe- less, we proceeded through the

line, despite its jariLtor-llke odor.

After finishing dinner or whatever it was, we proceeded to the renowned Alfred infirmary only to find that the entire staff had been flown to Israel to stand trial for crimes again'st humanity.

However Johnson Howard's had temporarily taken over- management of the 'building without even having to change the color of the roof. We were given our choice of 28 different colored pills to coat an uneasy stomach, but instead we asked for some adid to clean our intestines of all Ed- el Hall delicacies.

University sign erected on local historical site

\ \

m

ALFRED UNIVERSITY

L I B E R A L A R T S C E R A M I C S

N U R S I N G G R A D U A T E S C I

S U M M E R S C H O O L

TH15 l^i THE HUMm_ EX RERIEHO

The new sign marks the site of the center of the universe as determined by St. Pat and his corps of engineers.

ROTC stages sit-in at lecture

(Continued from Page 1)

"Yes," answered she, blush- ing ruefully.

"Suspend them for Moral Harassment!" screamed the Liberal Arts Dean.

"Be reasonable, boys," said the Dean of Students, "I'm as proud to be an American as you." This brought thunderous applause from the protestors, but none of them stood up.

Sensing his cue, the Dean of Liberal Arts made a short speech about his heart being on the left-wing and his brain on the right-wing, but no one, including myself, knew what

Low dorm ethics cause of concern

It has come to the attention of the Fiat staff that the Hon- or Dorm is allowing its stand- ards to be lowered. Specifical- ly, the Honor Dorm Commit- tee lets any student (preferab*

ly female) become a resident if she pays a nominal liquor fee. It sounds as if these hon- orables are somewhat less than honorable.

We here on the lower level of the campus center hold these girls in high esteem and desire them to enjoy the re- wards that they so richly de- serve; however, we find the action of the committee repre- hensible. Never before has a student had to pay a liquor charge tq drink in his room.

The powerful Park Street pro- tectors are often in a superb position, being without curfews to flaunt the long-standing law which states that women may not smoke after hours on the streets of Alfred. This must stop!

Pollution from their cigar- ettes and El-Producto cigars is disturbing the peaceful exis- tence of the little unknown creatures who are reportedly living in the Kanakadea stream as well as the trolls who live under Kissing Bridge.

Another example of the purposeful, willful, open, and blatant errors committed by the girls in PhD clothing, is the excessive use of the park- ing lot behind Alumni Hall.

If they continue to leave their powder blue XKE's and mousy brown Volkswagens there, a certain gentleman of reknown has promised to have the cars removed at the owner's expense.

he was trying to say.

Still the demonstrators re- fused to budge.

The Dean of Students called his cohorts aside. I was lucky enough to catch some of the conversation: "What can we do?" "Let's make up another quickie University ruling." Not that bit again."

"Call the President." We can't;

he's in Kansas." "Again? He's always in Kansas when there's a sit-in." "Call the Cadre then.'

"No good; they've all been transferred to a combat zone."

"Vietnam?" "No, Detroit." "Is- n't this horrible?" "Yes."

"Wait, I have it!"

The Dean of Students came forward, "If you don't stand, we'll suspend all of you on the spot."

"We're not afraid of suspension," yelled the Cadet Col- onel.

"I know," answered the Dean, "but what happens when

you're out of school?"

"What?" The C.C. seemed to be calling on every ounce of brain power.

The Dean smiled his usual friendly smile, "You'll be draft ed."

Within seconds the protestors were on their feet and out of Alumni Hall, the Major shouting after them: "Come lily-livered -&$$*%'s. I'll have you all shot . ... "

"Works every time," said the Dean, still smiling.

In a subsequent interview, I learned from the Dean of Stu- dents that he's proud of keep- ing the "close sense of com- munity intact" at Alfred and that, after ten long hours of soul - searching deliberation, the Administration has decided to let the Venerable Old Professor stay in shock (on that very same spot) as a per- manent monument to their wisdom and justice.

TALENT SEARCH

College students interested in a future, here is the oppor- tunity of your life. The Fiat Lux is looking for qualified person- nel to fril the ranks of the newspaper corps for the upcoming

semester. &

Any student who can comply with the minimal physical and mental requirements and possesses the initiative and imag- ination to fraud the public will be considered for this vastly expansive career.

Two years of college technical training is preferred but all applicants will be considered.

Excellent starting salary Optional hours

Liberal commissions Sales incentives Employee discount Many company benefits Accident insurance Life insurance Sickness insurance Vacation with pay

Blue Cross and Blue Shield insurance Retirement plan

Profit sharing plan

To arrange for a personal interview call 587-5402, or write to Box 767, Alfred, N.Y. All personal resumes will be held con- fidential.