Building a Relationship
The following are guidelines for building a relation-ship with a client:
1. Seek to establish a nonthreatening atmosphere in which the counselee feels safe to communicate fully his or her troubles while feeling accepted as a person.
2. In initial contacts with the counselee, you need to“sell” yourself—not arrogantly, but as a knowledge-able, understanding person who may be able to help and who wants to try.
3. Be calm. Do not laugh or express shock when the counselee begins to open up about problems.
Emotional outbursts, even if subtle, will lead the counselee to believe that you are not going to under-stand his or her difficulties, and he or she will usually stop discussing them.
4. Generally be nonjudgmental and nonmoralis-tic. Show respect for the counselee’s values, and do not try to sell your values. The values that work for you may not be best for someone else in a different situation. For example, if the counselee is premaritally pregnant, do not attempt to force your values toward adoption or abortion. Let the counselee decide on a course of action after a full examination of the prob-lem and an exploration of the possible solutions.
5. View the counselee as an equal. Rookie coun-selors sometimes make the mistake of thinking that, because someone is sharing intimate secrets, the counselor must be very important; they then end up
C
ASEE
XHIBIT5.4 Summary of Key Guidelines in Counseling Clients
1. Establish a working relationship
a. Introduce yourself and begin with a little small talk.
b. Have the client talk about his or her concerns by saying something like“Do you have some con-cerns you’d like to talk about today?”
c. After the client discusses his or her concerns for 3 or 4 minutes,“connect” with the feelings by saying something like,“How are you feeling about this?” “This must really be difficult for you,” or “I sense you’re feeling (such and such) about this.” Such “connections” with a client generally facilitate the client comprehending
that the counselor understands and cares about his or her feelings and concerns. Such “con-nections” validate the client’s feelings and concerns.
2. Explore the client’s concerns in depth.
3. Explore alternative solutions to the concerns with the client.
a. In doing this, please first ask the client what he or she has tried, and what he or she is thinking about trying.
b. Don’t give advice, but instead phrase your res-olution options as suggestions, such as“Have you thought about trying _________?”
*This section on“How to Counsel” is reprinted from an article of the same title written by me in The Personal Problem Solver, Charles Zastrow and Dae Chang, eds. Copyright © 1977 by Prentice Hall. Reprinted by permission of Charles Zastrow.
creating a superior/inferior relationship. If counselees feel that they are being treated as inferior, they will be less motivated to reveal and discuss personal difficulties.
6. Use “shared vocabulary.” This does not mean using the same slang words or the same accent as the counselee. If the counselee sees your speech as artifi-cial, it may seriously offend him or her. You should use words that the counselee understands and that are not offensive.
7. The tone of your voice should convey the mes-sage that you empathetically understand and care about the counselee’s feelings.
8. Keep confidential what the counselee has said.
All of us by nature have urges to share“juicy secrets”
with someone else. But, if the counselee discovers that confidentiality has been violated, a working rela-tionship may be quickly destroyed.
9. If you are counseling a relative or a friend, there is a danger that, because you are emotionally involved, you may get upset or into an argument with the other person. If that happens, it is almost always best to drop the subject immediately, as tact-fully as possible. Perhaps, after tempers cool, the sub-ject can be brought up again. Or it may be best to refer the counselee to someone else. Many profes-sionals refuse to counsel friends or relatives because emotional involvement interferes with the calm, detached perspective that is needed to help clients explore problems and alternative solutions.
Exploring Problems in Depth
Following are suggestions to guide counselors in help-ing clients explore problems in depth:
1. Many rookie counselors make the mistake of suggesting solutions as soon as a problem is identified, without exploring the problem in depth. For example, an advocate of abortions may advise this solution as soon as a single female reveals that she is pregnant. A counselor should take the time to discover whether this person is strongly opposed to abortions, really wants a baby, or intends to marry soon.
2. In exploring problems in depth, the counselor and counselee need to examine such areas as the extent of the problem, its duration, its causes, the counselee’s feelings about the problem, and the phys-ical and mental capacities and strengths the coun-selee has to cope with the problem, before exploring alternative solutions. For example, if a single female is pregnant, the counselor and counselee need to
explore the following questions: How does the person feel about being pregnant? Has she seen a doctor?
About how long has she been pregnant? Do her par-ents know? If so, what are their feelings and con-cerns? Has the female informed her partner? What are his feelings and concerns? What does she feel is the most urgent situation to deal with first? Answers to such questions will determine the direction of counseling. The most pressing, immediate problem might be to inform her parents, who may react criti-cally, or it might be to secure medical services.
3. When a problem area is identified, a number of smaller problems may occur (for example, planning how to tell her partner, obtaining medical care, obtain-ing funds for medical expenses, decidobtain-ing where to live, deciding whether to leave school or work during the pregnancy, deciding whether to keep the child, and making plans for what to do after the child is delivered or the pregnancy is terminated). Explore all these subproblems.
4. In a multiproblem situation, the best way to decide which problem to handle first is to ask the coun-selee which one she or he perceives as most pressing. If the problem can be solved, start with exploring that subproblem in depth and developing together a strat-egy for the solution. Success in solving a subproblem will increase the counselee’s confidence in the coun-selor and thereby will further solidify the relationship.
5. Convey empathy, not sympathy. Empathy is the capacity to show that you are aware of and can to some extent feel what the counselee is feeling. Sym-pathy is also sharing of feelings, but it has the conno-tation of pity. The difference is subtle, but empathy is oriented toward problem solving, whereas sympathy usually prolongs problems. For example, if you give me sympathy when I’m depressed, I’ll keep telling you my sad story over and over, each time having an emotional outpouring supported by your sympa-thy, without taking any action to improve the situa-tion. This process only reopens old wounds and prolongs my depression.
6.“Trust your guts.” The most important tool you have as a counselor is yourself (your feelings and per-ceptions). You should continually strive to place your-self in the client’s situation (with the client’s values and pressures). To use the earlier example, if the cli-ent is 17 years old, single, and pregnant, and has par-ents who are very critical of the situation and want her to have an abortion, a competent counselor would continually strive to feel what she is feeling and to perceive the world from her perspective, with her
goals, difficulties, pressures, and values. It probably never happens that a counselor is 100% accurate in placing himself or herself in the counselee’s situation, but 70% to 80% is usually sufficient to gain an aware-ness of the counselee’s pressures, problems, and per-spectives. This information helps the counselor to determine what additional areas need to be explored, to decide what to say, and to figure out possible solu-tions. In other words, a counselor should ask“What is this person trying to tell me, and how can I make it clear that I understand not only intellectually but empathetically?”
7. When you believe that the client has touched on an important area of concern, you can encourage further communication by:
a. Nonverbally showing interest.
b. Pausing. Inexperienced counselors usually become anxious when there is a pause, and they hasten to say something—anything—to have conversation continue. This is usually a mistake, especially when it leads to a change in the topic. Pausing will also make the coun-selee anxious, give him or her time to think about the important area of concern, and then usually motivate him or her to continue conversation in that area.
c. Using neutral probes. Examples are: “Could you tell me more about it?” “Why do you feel that way?” “I’m not sure I understand what you have in mind.”
d. Summarizing what the client is saying. You might offer: “During this past hour you made a number of critical comments about your spouse; it sounds like some things about your marriage are making you unhappy.”
e. Reflecting feelings. Examples are: “You seem angry” or “You appear to be depressed about that.”
8. Approach socially unacceptable issues tactfully.
Tact is an essential quality of a competent counselor.
Try not to ask a question in such a way that the answer will put the respondent in an embarrassing position.
Suppose, for instance, you are counseling a male with poor personal hygiene who has been discharged from a variety of jobs and does not know why. The man explains that employers initially compliment him on his work productivity and then tend, a few weeks later, to discharge him without informing him why.
After several possible explanations have been explored
and eliminated, you as the counselor may tactfully say
“I’m wondering if your personal appearance and hygiene may be a reason for the dismissals. I notice you haven’t shaved for a few days, and I sense you may not have bathed for a few days either. Do you think this may be an explanation?” It’s very important to confront clients with ineffective actions that are having substantial negative effects on their lives.
9. When pointing out a limitation that a coun-selee has, also mention and compliment him or her on any assets. Discussion of a limitation will literally make the counselee feel that something is being laid bare or taken away. Complimenting him or her in another area will give something back.
10. Watch for nonverbal cues. A competent coun-selor will generally use such cues to identify when a sensitive subject is being touched on, as the client will show anxiety by changing tone of voice, fidgeting, yawning, assuming a stiff posture, or appearing flushed.
11. Be honest. An untruth always runs the risk of being discovered. If that happens, the counselee’s con-fidence in you will be seriously damaged and perhaps the relationship seriously jeopardized. But being hon-est goes beyond not telling lies. The counselor should always point out those shortcomings that are in the counselee’s best interest to give attention to. For exam-ple, if someone is being fired from jobs because of poor grooming habits, this needs to be brought to his or her attention. Or, if a trainee’s relationship skills and per-sonality are not suited for the helping professions, that person needs to be“counseled out” in the interests of clients and in the trainee’s own best interests.
12. Listen attentively to what the counselee is saying. Try to hear his or her words not from your perspective but from the counselee’s. Unfortunately, some counselors are caught up in their own interests and concerns, and they do not “tune out” their own thoughts while the counselee is speaking. This guide-line seems very simple, but it is indeed difficult for many to follow.
Exploring Alternative Solutions
The following are guidelines for exploring alternative solutions with a client:
1. After (or sometimes while) a subproblem is explored in depth, the next step is for the counselor and the counselee to consider alternative solutions.
In exploring alternative solutions, it is almost always best for the counselor to begin by asking something
like“Have you thought about ways to resolve this?” The merits, shortcomings, and consequences of the alter-natives thought of by the counselee should then be tactfully and thoroughly examined. If the counselee has not thought of certain viable alternatives, the coun-selor should mention these, and the merits and short-comings of these alternatives should also be examined.
For example, in the case of the unwed pregnant teen-ager, if she decides to continue the pregnancy to full term, possible alternatives for the subproblem of mak-ing plans for livmak-ing arrangements include keepmak-ing the child, getting married, seeking public assistance, find-ing foster care after delivery, filfind-ing a paternity suit, placing the child for adoption, and obtaining the assis-tance of a close relative to help or care for the child.
2. The counselee usually has the right to self-determination—that is, to choose the course of action among possible alternatives. The counselor’s role is to help the counselee clarify and understand the likely consequences of each available alternative but gener-ally not to give advice or choose the alternative for the counselee. If the counselor were to select the alternative, there would be two possible outcomes:
(a) The alternative may prove to be undesirable for the counselee, in which case the counselee will prob-ably blame the counselor for the advice, and the future relationship will be seriously hampered.
(b) The alternative may prove to be desirable for the counselee. This immediate outcome is advantageous;
but the danger is that the counselee will then become overly dependent on the counselor, seeking his or her advice for nearly every decision in the future and gen-erally being reluctant to make decisions indepen-dently. In actual practice, most courses of action have desirable and undesirable consequences. For example, if the unmarried mother is advised to keep her child, she may receive considerable gratification from being with and raising the child, but at the same time she may blame the counselor for such pos-sible negative consequences as long-term financial hardships and a restricted social life.
The guideline of not giving advice does not mean that a counselor should not suggest alternatives that the client has not considered. On the contrary, it is the counselor’s responsibility to suggest and explore all viable alternatives with a client. A good rule to follow is that, when a counselor believes a client should take a certain course of action, this idea should be phrased as a suggestion (“Have you thought about…?”) rather than as advice (“I think you should…”).
3. Counseling is done with the counselee, not to or for the counselee. In general, the counselee should take responsibility for those tasks that she or he has the capacity to carry out, and the counselor should attempt to do only those that are beyond the capacities of the counselee. As with giving advice, doing things for counselees may create a dependency relationship. Furthermore, successful accomplish-ment of tasks by counselees leads to personal growth and better prepares them for taking on future responsibilities.
4. The counselee’s right to self-determination should be taken away only if the selected course of action has a high probability of seriously hurting others or the counselee. For example, if it seems likely that a parent will continue to abuse a child or that a counselee will attempt to take his or her own life, intervention by the counselor is called for. For most situations, however, the counselee should have the right to select his or her alternative, even when the counselor believes that another alternative is a better course of action. Frequently, the counselee is in a bet-ter position to know what is best for him or her; if the alternative is not the best, the counselee will probably learn from the mistake.
5. Attempt to form explicit, realistic “contracts”
with counselees. When the counselee does select an alternative, he or she should clearly understand what the goals will be, what tasks need to be carried out, how to do the tasks, and who will carry out each of them. It is often desirable to build into the“contract”
a time limit for the accomplishment of each task.
For example, if the unmarried mother decides to keep her child and now needs to make long-range financial plans, this goal should be understood and specific courses of action decided on—seeking public assistance, seeking support from the alleged father, securing an apartment within her budget, and so on.
Furthermore, who will do what task within a set time limit should be specified.
6. If the counselee fails to meet the terms of the
“contract,” do not punish, but do not accept excuses.
Excuses let people off the hook; they provide tempo-rary relief, but they eventually lead to more failure and to a failure identity. Simply ask “Do you still wish to try to fulfill your commitment?” If the coun-selee answers affirmatively, another deadline accept-able to the counselee should be set.
7. Perhaps the biggest single factor in determining whether the counselee’s situation will improve is the
motivation to carry out essential tasks. A counselor should seek to motivate apathetic counselees. One of the biggest reality shocks of inexperienced helping pro-fessionals is that many clients, even after making com-mitments to improve their situation, do not have the motivation to carry out the steps outlined.
8. One way to increase motivation is to clarify what will be gained by meeting the commitment.
When counselees fulfill commitments, reward them verbally or in other ways. Avoid punishment if com-mitments are not met. Punishment usually increases hostility without positive lasting changes. It also serves as only a temporary means of obtaining differ-ent behavior; a person who is no longer under surveil-lance will usually return to the“deviant” behavior.
9. Sometimes the counselee lacks the confidence or experience to carry out certain tasks. In this case it is helpful to “role-play” the tasks. For example, if a pregnant unwed teenager wants help in deciding how to tell her partner about the pregnancy, role-playing the situation will assist her in selecting words and developing a strategy for informing him.
The counselor can first play her role and model an approach, while she plays her partner’s role. Then the roles should be reversed so that the teenager practices telling her partner.
Other helpful hints for counseling could be given here, but the basic format is to develop a
Other helpful hints for counseling could be given here, but the basic format is to develop a