CONDUCTED BY UNCLE EPIGLOTTIS.
Broadcasted from the Famous Station, 3NAB.
Hullo, children! Uncle Epi. speaking. Now, I have a long story to tell you.
to-night, so I am going to wish you all a happy birthday. Shake hands with your.
little friends for me, and have a happy time. And if you look in father's obstetric bag you'll find something nice the Wireless Bird brought for all expectant mothers, and which he will lend you for to-night. So, kiddies, seize your little comforters and listen in.
THE SPECULUM. 159 Now, children, I hope you all say your prayers every night, because my story is about a little boy called Wiley Mann, who wouldn't say his prayers. One night when he was fast asleep the Devil came and took him down to Hell. On their way the Devil showed Wiley a lot of men, who frequent hospitals, suffering from a dread disease called Retention, and said : "Wiley, all these men are called Prostates, and you will see how we torture them in He11. 4
When they reached Hell, the air was black with wriggly things, called Spiro- nemes, which bite the Prostates with their carious canines, and then roll round and round and laugh with glee. The Devil shoved some of them away, and took Wiley into his private office. Now, any fathers that are listening, instead of having dinner, this was just to show Wiley what nice medicine they give all new admis- sions. On a shelf, children, were a lot of bottles (like some in father's cupboard), labelled "Fine Old Scotch." "Of course, Wiley," remarked the Devil, "you are too young to drink this, but it is my first joke on all Prostates, because, when they see it they seize it, like you children would a tart." And, calling up his chief chemist, he said : "Gimbernat, refill those bottles with Haustus Croton Oil nix."
Gimbernat, like all good servants, did as he was told.
Now, Russell, darling, you remember to do what Nursev tells you in future, Mid remember not to kick her, as it does so predispose to carcinoma.
Well, children, soon the Prostates for the evening began to arrive, and, as I said, their eyes lit up when they saw the bottle.
"You silly old men," said the Devil, "you know this stuff will only make your Retention worse ; but you can have one dose each. And, Wiley," he continued,
"this mixture is good for them, because they often suffer from another complaint called constipation."
So, children, you might tell your mothers about it. It is better for your coated
tongues than California Syrup of Figs, and just as easy to take. All kiddies will love it. When you reach your fourth year, darlings, you will understand its action.
Having given the Prostates their medicine, the Devil took Wiley along to another part of Hell, where Prostates, whose Retention had reached an acute stage, were jumping round in agony upon the sulphur sward. "This, Wiley," said the Devil, "is the special form of torture reserved for all these bad old men." Now, there is only one way to relieve Retention, and it is done by a wonderful machine called a Katheter. You might find one in daddy's bag, and ask him to explain how to use it. As they say in the advertisement, dears, the man who thought of
"Specula" was a clever man, but the man who thought of Katheters a genius.
At any rate, in this suburban Hell were a lot of Prostates dancing round, trying to reach the Katheters, which were hung up on dead Spironemes, just out of their grasp. Here they are kept till Vesica ruptures, and then they die. Ask daddy anything in this you don't understand, as the Wireless Bird didn't explain it all to me.
Now, children, it's getting late, and I must stop. Eileen, dear, don't forget to take your extra drop of atropine to-night, and all of you say your prayers.
Kiss mummy for me, and to-morrow tell you another story. Good-night.
Good-night.
T.
When Eve first saw her reflection in a pool, she sought out Adam and accused him of infidelity.
160 THE SPECULUM.
Experiments in Camaraberie-14o. 4.
It was a bright and cheerful morning, and this, combined with the fact that I'd gone to bed at a Christian hour the night before, resulted in my appearance at the, hospital at an unusually early hour.
After putting on a white coat--a new one, it so happened—and packing stetho- scope and plessor in the right-hand pocket, I found there was quite half an hour left before our surgeon, Mr. X., would clinic us in the wards.
I determined to spend it profitably. I had been allotted one patient on the women's side, so, on the principle of ladies first, made my way to her. She had been operated on the day before by Mr. X., and I had "assisted." You know, my brothers, the extent of the "assistance" !
The patient in question was quite an appealing little lady, of the type who calls you "doctor" in all sincerity. She was eager for details of the operation, and seemed quite thrilled to know that I had "assisted." As well as I could, I gave her some idea of the mutilation her anatomy had suffered, but I'm afraid a salpingo oophorectomy necessitated by Niesserian infection is a difficult basis of conversa- tion to maintain for one of my modesty.
Then I expounded the marvels, of modern surgery, and, under the stimula- tion of her evident admiration and misconception of my share in her operation, ventured an occasional "we" in referring to the deeds of great surgeons.
When I left her she thanked me warmly for all I had done, and I felt exalted, albeit somewhat hypocritically so. I left the ward, marching with the "great surgeon tread." You know—that impressive, firm-footed, head forward, purpose- ful walk so characteristic of our honorary surgeons.
There still being some time before the advent of Mr. X., I decided to go across to the men's side, and have a look at "Mac's" arm. "Mac" is a chronic, and there is but little, he does not know of hospital life.
Full of elation after my inspiring time in the women's ward, I approached Mac with the customary "Goodmorninghowareyouletmehavealookatyourarn'f greeting. With the confident assurance of the chronic, he answered : "I think I'll leave it till 'Doctor' X. comes along. He conies of a Thursday, don't 'e, to give youse boys yer lesson ?"
I turned and left the ward, to seek solace in a cigarette. The great surgeon walk was gone.
Ebe herbalist.
The "Heathen Chinee," upon whom immortality has perhaps been conferred by Bret Harte, lives no less to-day in the role of herbalist. At least, that is the popular conception, for one thinks of a Chinese herbalist rather than one of another race. On the whole, however, the Chinese variety appears to be comparatively innocuous ; it is chiefly to their white confreres that this article refers.
Herbalism is a phase in the development of allopathy, long since passed, yet its exponents persist in their misguided activities, with no small degree of financial success. This, doubtless, is a testimony to the inherent optimism of the human race; doubtless, also, a testimony to its ignorance and leaning to the mysterious.
Nowhere better can you observe the paranoid tendency of mankind to rationalise upon false premises than amongst those who uphold the merits of herbalism.
THE SPECULUM. 161 Herbal remedies, they will tell you, must, of necessity, he much more valuable than mineral, for they are nearer allied in composition to human flesh. Epsom salts, a mineral drug, is violently rejected by the intestine—a patent demonstration of its unsuitability as a therapeutic agent. "Vegetable Laxative Pills" should, therefore, be much less distressing ; yet personally I find them extremely potent, if colic may be taken as a measure ! Organotherapv should have immense scope in this connection.
But herbalists may he a reputable body of men. I have often been told by one of their protagonists that they are men who have had years of valuable
experience of disease. Surely this must qualify them to practise with success ? Alas ! "experience is fallacious," empiricism is their watchword, and lobelia the most successful of their "remedies."
Probably the best known of the dodges that have been employed by quack practitioners relates to the treatment of cancer in such accessible situations as the lip. Here, a plaster compounded with arsenic ensures an area of necrosis after an appropriate interval, and, with luck, the growth is replaced by an ulcer. With more luck, and a robust constitution, the ulcer may heal, with beneficial results to the quack and deplorable results to the patient. That, however, is between his gods and him.
Gallstones (and any attack of pain in the right hypochondrimn, or elsewhere, for that matter, may be conveniently diagnosed as "gallstones"), are a profitable source of revenue. Soap, judiciously administered, provides the basis of beauti- ful "choleliths," which are later passed P.R., and collected and treasured by the grateful patient. The pain has probably ceased by effluxion of time.
Another wily gentleman, not content with the orthodox methods of chicanery, resorts to a more complicated manoeuvre to prove his skill in treatment. His patient is fed upon a mixture of starch, bismuth and kino eucalypti. 'Constipation ensues, and the treatment is continued until the unhappy victim is on the verge of stercoral ulceration. Follows a brisk purge, when the scybali that are passed are a delight to the eye, a relief to the patient, and a testimonial to the herbalist.
The man who employs this means of augmenting his income is still practising in Melbourne, and charges £1/1/- to £2/2/- for consultation and prescription.
The art of diagnosis, so difficult to acquire as a student, troubles your herbalist not at all. One, be it said, has gained sufficient from his experience to use a stetho- scope. He applies it, not to the heart or lungs, but to the part affected. This erudite citizen, who was proceeded against in a New Zealand court for damages on account of unskilful treatment of a goitre, had used his stethoscope with ex- cellent effect by placing it upon the neck of his patient. Information thus obtained enabled him to state confidently that the patient's "kidneys were badly sprained, one lung was practically gone, and the water was an inch from her heart." The goitre, he explained, was a secondary matter. In the ensuing fourteen months, he presumably made a brave attempt to jack up the kidneys, rebuild the lung, and dam the water a little further back from the heart. The patient died before he could make a start on the goitre.
Another Melbourne herbalist diagnoses by observation of the finger nails, and particularly by slightly raising one from its bed. Not a little painful. Still another advertises that he diagnoses solely by feeling the pulse, which "records every change in the body."
Opium, in the form of Tinct. Camph. Co. largely, plays not a small part in the therapeutics of the herbalist. Paracelsus is said to have owed his success in treatment to a store of opium, collected during his wanderings.
• In the case before the Supreme Court of New Zealand, quoted above, the
162 THE SPECULUM.
defendant had a woman under treatment for goitre. She had been advised by It friend to refuse operation in favour of herbal treatment. After examining her
with a stethoscope applied to the neck, the herbalist advised a course of pills, a plaster, a day mixture and a night mixture. The nature of the pills or the plaster was not disclosed in the report of the court proceedings, but the day mixture was a commonly used tonic, containing a proportion of strychnine, while the night mixture contained gr. I of opium to the dose. Under this treatment the patient was declared to have improved for a short period. Later, when the symptoms became more pressing, the night mixture was occasionally substituted for the day mixture. The patient would then sleep twelve or more hours, and was over- 7 joyed. Shortly her health definitely became worse, and she died fourteen months after commencing treatment. At his first visit, the herbalist told her, "It is a lucky day for you that you called me in. Had you gone to the operating table in that condition you would never have come off it alive. In three months vou will he running about." • Damages to the extent of 1600 were awarded against him.
Some years ago, several of us spent a holiday at Woodend. One afternoon, golf being contradicted by rain, we were sitting by the fire in the hotel, when a car stopped outside, and disgorged a man. He wandered in, hatless, wet, and a little drunk. He was wearing a composite outfit—the trousers of a defunct dinner suit, stiff shirt, with appropriate collar and tie, an ordinary waistcoat and coat, dancing pumps, and purple socks. His hair was long, black, greasy and untidy.
It appeared to have been shingled. He sat down, pulled out a paper full of sand- wiches, and commenced to eat. We fell into conversation with him, and learned that he was a herbalist. He had been on the vaudeville stage, but found that herbalism was more profitable.
A suggestion that a hot bath might be an advantage met with disfavour. It produced the' sweat, we were told, and hence Pneumonia and asthma. That re- minded him that he had removed a cupful of mucus from the bronchials of a man who had pneumonia. Questioned as to the aetiology of asthma, he gave a garbled but vaguely correct description. His treatment indicated that he was aware of the value of lobelia.
His knowledge of tuberculosis was confined to T.B. of the lung. He explained that it was like a pack of cards, which gradually stacked up and replaced the lung.
He could cure it effectually. I have since seen one of his advertisements, in which he claims to have cured a returned soldier of T.B. of the spine. Apparently his acquaintance of T.B. has extended in the interim.
Cancer could be treated by herbs. We were offered a private viewing of the cancers, with their roots, which he had removed, if we would call at his Melbourne address.
Syphilis he regarded as a "blood system disease." He had cured 2337 cases with Gum Guiacum, Rhubarb and Sulphur.
Questioned as to whether he had a reliable abortifacient, he remained uncom- municative, but declared that he had had excellent results in the treatment of sterility.
• King Ned, he said, had brought in appendicitis. Treatment consisted of inversion of the patient, massage of the stomach, into which the poison drained, and finally a purge to get rid of it.
His knowledge of anatomy was nil. When asked the location of various organs, he said that they all corresponded to the signs of the Zodiac.
He had had one great triumph. On one occasion he had "defied" the X-rays_
A patient had been rayed at the Williamstown Hospital, with a negative result.
Our herbalist, when consulted, did not examine the patient, but went into his
THE SPECULUM. 163
"studio" and sat down and thought. After thinking for some time, he had grasped the patient's condition. His verdict was : "A spot of blood on the fourth • or fifth lumbar." We were not enlightened as the significance of the spot, nor its treatment.
The Australian Herbalists' Association has a membership of some twenty Melbourne herbalists. This body attempted, in 1925, to obtain legal recognition.
Although, originally, there was no standard qualification for membership, it was proposed that, if recognition be given, the following would be required for admis- sion :-
A. (1) A working knowledge of the uses of properties of herbs, roots, harks, leaves, stems, seeds, etc., and their therapeutic actions on the human body.
Text book, Dr. Fox's Botanic Guide to Health.
(2) That the test of diagnosis be by symptoms of the complaint under review.
B. Physiology.—The functions of the organic system, namely, heart, lungs, stomach, liver, intestines, kidneys, eve, ear, nerves, circulatory system, and excretory functions. Text book, Mr. Furneaux' Human Physiology.
That's that !
The examiners for qualifiCation as a M.A.H.A. were to be appointed from that body itself. One presumes that, despite the simplicity of the requirements, entrances would be few and far between. A nice, close little corporation of monopolists in quackery.
"Growths" are the stand-by of the quack. Unfortunately, not all are dealt with so satisfactorily as indicated by the following extract from a letter written by a 'nurse at the Women's Hospital to her sister :--
"The sordidness depresses me ; withal it is a funny place. Such as to-day. A lass arrived here (23rd September, 1925). She had been attending a Chinaman for months, paying out a lot of good cash to have a growth treated. At the last minute he (the Chink) got the wind up, and sent her post haste in here, without telling her anything. She refused . to admit or think she was . The pain started, and became more frequent. She yelled out for a nurse to massage her, to relieve the pain, then yelled again, 'Come quick, the growth is coming away.' And away the growth came—a live male, 9 lb. weight, all on the emergency table, twenty minutes after her admittance." AR FUF.
c0,40
Prominent Personalities,
Teddy Gault.—The genial Teddy possesses a keen eye for a push bike. It is rumoured that the \V arrnambool will see him yet. Exhibitioner in Physiology, honours, elsewhere—ergo, persistent and conscientious worker. Pulls a wicked oar, and edits The Wyvern in his spare moments. At one time business manager of the Spec/dun/. Shortly to retire into seclusion, with a view to annexing the Exes. in Finals.
Jack Richmond.—Who is probably better known by the title of "Sec." A promi- nent figure in M.S.S. social activities, and a well known personality. Rowing and ability as a jockey (see Medical Derby, 1926) are among his proficien- cies. A good fellow, and always "with the boys" in work and pleasure, adversity and success.
Eric Eddy, A. H.—Wrongly called "Cliff" by a fourth year contemporary. Puts in very good work on the athletic field and in the Wilson Hall. Jumps the crossbar and the examination hurdle alike successfully. Strong, but not silent.
164' THE SPECULUM.
Hugh Burns.—Returned soldier. Has always been an.
enthusiastic worker on behalf of the M.S.S. Com- menced as year rep., finally becoming treasurer for the year 1925. True to the characteristics of the class, his administration met with marked success.
His portrait, reproduced herewith, although drawn by a denizen of the Yarra Bank, catches his grave and judicious manner. Absorptions : Rowing, tennis, and his pipe.
Bobby Munro.—Third year, Queen's. "A most noble youth." Prosector in Anatomy, and a footballer of repute. Stretcher-bearing and a capacity to smile are also attributes.
E. G. Robertson.—Familiarly known as Old Egg, but the resemblance is entirely superficial—it is almost certain that he has no albumen. An earnest and successful worker, he is well known at the various hospitals. He spends his mornings at the Melbourne, his afternoons at the Kid's, and his evenings at the Women's. In his leisure hours he amuses himself with tennis (in the summer), and his Buick (in the week ends), and Amaryllis (in the shade).
His many friends will he pleased to learn of his complete recovery from the effects of his recent confinement at Vimy House, where he was delivered of a pair of fine bouncing tonsils.
%picuta.
Small boy is annoying his sister and her inamorata, who are sitting on a s fa.
Sister : "Go away, Johnnie."
Johnnie: "Won't !"
Sister : "I'll give you sixpence if you will."
Johnnie: "No."
Sister : "I'll give you some chocolates."
Johnnie: "I want a watch."
Sister : "Well, you can't—you're too young."