There are many inconsistent men.
But the ,doctor tops the lot;
He says you need a change, and then Takes all the change you've got.
McNab: "I want sixpennyworth of strychnine."
Chemist : "What for, sir?"
McN.: "Tuppence !"
89
He was a 'mournful looking bloke who had applied for the position of wardsman, and after an interview with the matron told us his sorrows: "She asked me all sorts of questions; was I married, did I drink, was I strong, was I ruptured, an' then she asked for a look at me testimonials—an' all for the want of a bit of edication, I've lost the blinkin' job !"
Well-meaning Member of Crowd: "Ah! this poor man is drunk, I see."
His Cobber : "Drunk, me eye; no, he ain't; I just seen 'fin move."
Two soldiers had been discussing Staff Officers, Brass Hats, and other natural flora—
Said one to the other, "If bread is the staff of life, what is
the life of staff!"
"Suppose it must be one long loaf."
90 THE SPECULUM. Oct., 1919'..
Extract from the "Gippsland Standard" under Shire notes :--
"Regrading and renewing D. M'acLeod's outlet, £10."
Rather cheap at the price, Eh!
Visitor—"And how is the little girl to-day?"
Mrs. Little—"Law Miss, the doctor 'e examined her with "is telescope an' took her 'temper' an' all, an' then 'e looks down 'er throat, an' says, 'Don't you worry, Mrs. Little, it's only 'er utensils is irtflammed, and she's Ja bit confiscated.' "
Isaac MacTavish and Jeannie entered a cafe, and he ordered
a meat pie. After some moments silence his companion hope- fully enquired after its welfare.
MacT. replied: "My, it's fine, Jeannie ; you ought to try one."
A new disease has recently been discovered, called Dentosis;
allied to Teratoma, and consists of growth of teeth round the anal margin.
First symptom is nibbling buttons off railway carriage seats..
A Cinquaine
"To-day
"I cauterise,
"Because I never thought
"That summer night on which I caught Her eyes."
Professor B.: "Before commencing my series of lectures on' the abdomen, I would like to know if any of you have read
Hare on the Stomach !"
M.O.: "If you found a person had fainted in the street, what would you do?
St. John Pupil: Give him brandy.
M.O.: Suppose you had no brandy, what then?
St. J. (after pause) : "Promise him some."
A young officer had been to the theatre with a nurse. Shc suddenly realised she had to be back at hospital at 11 p.m.
Hailing a taxi, the driver was instructed to drive hell for leather to the Women's Hospital.
Oct., 1919. THE SPECULUM. 91 On arrival the lady stepped briskly out and the driver was heard to exclaim, "Thank God, we're in time, sir !"
Student (endeavouring to see anything serious?"
4th Year Man (who knows the end he passed a good deal
P.M.). "What did he die of-- his Path.) : "No, but towards of blood-stained flatus."
"Is this a healthy town?" inquired the home-seeker.
"I should say so," was the answer. "When I came here, I hadn't the strength to utter a word, 1 had hardly a hair on my head, I couldn't walk across the room, and I had to be lifted from my bed."
"You give me hope. How long have you been here?"
"1 was born here."
Sunday School Teacher : "And now, Marjorie, what do you know about Solomon?" . •
-Marjorie: "Be was a very wise man, and fond of animals."
Teacher: "How do you know that ?"
Marjorie: "'Cause it says in the Bible he had a thousand wives and seven hundred porcupines.''
Well-known Authority on Mosquitos (after lengthy dis- course) : "Yes. It's most interesting; and a curious thing, only the female mosquito has the power of biting."
Female Listener (absently) : "What wonderfully sharp eyes You must have."
In a rural district a trophy was being presented to the first family to produce triplets. The father was obviously un- strung, and, in replying to congratulations, concluded: "And do I have to win it three years runnin' before I keep it?"
Honorary: "Now, my good woman, how many children have You? ,
Woman: "Eight, thank you, sir."
Hon.: Don't thank me!"
92 fil l, SPl , ;( ' 1,1 \l.
Dunoon,
Coolamon, .S.W., 20/8/19.
Oct., 1919.
Dear Editor,—
I was most pleased to get your memo.
The name "Speculum" acts as a stimulus to many a synapse in the old boys I am sure. It vitalises those dormant arcs of memory, which, in the stresses and strains of a busy practice, too soon become molecular Rip Van Wynkles. On many a long car journey, through parts bucolic, with the motor doing its best on three cylinders, a sclerosed tyre, and the red lamps showing low colour index, has the waft of ether from a leaky bottle in the surgical bag exemplified the law of association, and cast round me the ghosts of the pals of the past. One is refreshed thereby as he conjures up in his frontal lobes pictures of plea - sant morning strolls through the "old Melbourne" with such
Nestors a Fred. Bird, "Symey," Bob Stirling, Jerry Moore, Charlie Ryan, George Rennie, Johnny Nihill, Dicky Stawell, Bob Strong, "Springy," George Howard, Harry MaudsleY.
Bill and Tom Boyd, and many others whc, taught us nearly all we know. I say nearly all we know, for one cannot forget what one owes to Professor Sir Harry Allen and "Plugger Bill." One cannot forget the "intention tremors" that accom - panied his examination mornings when to the "orals" of the latter gentleman we went "trembling like a lamb,:' Delightfu l it is indeed to throw oneself back into the mists of the past and live for a few moments in the old .dissecting room, where the
THE SPECULUM. 93 blue apron of •revitt added zest to the surroundings, and Pres- ton's cherrywood gave forth sweet incense in the spirit laden air, Speaking of W.H.P. Have you ever come across a poem written by one of the old boys on this faithful old janitor? I cannot remember the whole of the verses, but they go something like this:
You'll see 'em in his cabin, which is next the mus-e-um,
\Vif 'is pipe o' baccy 'andy to 'is chiv ;
And you'll see 'im ringing lecture bells 'an lookin' rather glum, An' bewailin' o' the life 'e 'as to live.
One or two verses missing here. But the last verse was some- what as follows:—
Then 'ere's to you, Preston, blow yer ; yer a decent sort at 'eart;
Here's wishing strength to bear your earthly load.
An' we'll drink your 'ealth in lager as for 'ome 'an graft we part At the "Apple Tree" across the bloomin' road.
I cannot recollect the author—it may have been the late Dr.
Douglas Jamison (Jammy). He was a wonderful writer on topics medical, and, to my knowledge, was only equalled by McKie—the McKie of "Bulletin" fame one time medical student, or Jack. Campbell (now Dr. Campbell). Many an
old-time student song comes floating on the air of night, when melancholy and alone I have been hurried out of a warm bed to calm an importunate midwife, or decide on a tracheotomy, or pour words of wisdom or a dose of morphia into one of my
"best" patients suffering from an attack of gout. The chorus of "Susianna" will time and again crop. up :—
" Winds from the sea, Blowing so free,
Blow away those years of graft And make me an M.B. ; And oh do not stay, But come future gay,
When Her and Me will go a-stetescoping All the day"
A. W. Bowman, now of Holbrook, N.S.W., used to sing it badly at the commencements and, other frivolous gatherings.
When one is away from the shades of "Tin Pot Alley" so long, one wonders if such a place as the old University Medical
94 THE SPECULUM. Oct., 1919 School exists, for, honestly, one forgets at times. It is then that the following lines bubble up like foam :-
" Is the old Shop in the same old place?
Do the ducks still wander by the lake?
Do the first year fellows wear the same old trenchers?
The Ida's chew the same old cake?
Does old T,ommy Marsham ring the same old bell, That takes as to our lectures grey and glum?
Is the old dead whale still a-stickin to his tail, In the shadow of the lifus-e-um?
By the way, the above used to be sung to the tune of "Is the Old House in the Same Old Place." It was a popular music hall ditty some years ago.
Now that I have commenced to write, I could name hundreds , of verses and many well known old boys connected' with them, but as I have been asked by you to give an account of any old boys in my vicinity, I must not digress. Frank (Tommy) Burns, is my friend and support in time of trouble. He is at Ganmain, 10 miles to the west of this town. We often have an evening talk over the phone, and say lots of things (especially when a new Speculum happens to arrive along). 0. E. Field is at Junee, 25 miles to the east. He has just returned from Europe, and is a very busy man. Frank (Tut) Looney is at Finlay, about 120 miles to the south-west. He was one of our brightest stars in the music line as a student, and no University Night was worth twopence without "Tut." He could use his hands, too: but now we are students no longer, but gentlemen of our honorable profession. Toi. , Roberts is another Riverina pracitioner ; he is at Berrigan. "Pip" Watkins is at Griffith, on the Yanco Irrigation Settlement. Vern. ,Bowman is at Henty, and his brother Mos. is, I think, at Holbrook. The latter has, I believe, just returned from England. "Jerry"
Maloney is north of us at Wyalong. Paul Florence and his wife are practising at Cootamundra. Mrs. (Dr.) Florence was Miss Henry during her student days. I would like to say quite a lot about old medical pals, but time will not permit.
If you will kindly let me know how much I am in your debt regarding arrears for the Speculum, I shall be pleased to for- ward the amount per return post. I would dearly like to have the old paper sent to me regularly, for it comes, as I harm said, as a great refresher to us who dwell removed from the haunts of men and learning. I may add that a few years ago I had quite a lot to do in the editing of the sturdy little journal.
Oct., 1919. THE SPECULUM. 95
•
and if you will accept an offer of £2 2s. I shall be pleased to post same along to your editor as a prize for the best surgical or medical commentary set by one of vour resident staff. Might I suggest that instead of having a -"Back-to-Bendigo," or a
"Back-to-Geelong," we inaugurate a "Back-to-Dissecting" - again. Such a meeting would be, I am sure, welcomed by all OM Boys. It might be a yearly or bi-annual function. Dr.
Gus. Green, of Albert Park, mentioned the idea when I was last in Melbourne. It would be a happy re-union, and would tend to keep the OW toys—younger.
With 'best wishes for the welfare of the Melbourne medical students generally, and the Speculum especially,
Believe me,
Yours sincerely,
DUNCAN BUCHANAN.
Eric Guttridge—The catch of the season.
Harry Little—Bendigo General, the matron's dilemma.
Bill Harrison--Bendigo.
Les. Kidd—Castlemaine.
Billy Wilson—Charlton.
J. G. Sleeman—Left Bendigo Hospital with thoughts inclined'.
to a life-long partner.
Morris Jacobs—Super. Bendigo General, branch office at golf links.
111.111—H eathcote.
Elcoate--Echuca, punter anu Rhode Island Red expert.
Dick E:bsworth—Echuca.
Bill Tulloh—Elmore.
Nankivell—Kerang.
George . Foster and Frank Legge—Swan Hill.
Prichard—Pyramid Hill, some punter and motor expert.
Jelbart—Wedderburn.
G
arnet 'Deravin—Inglewood, carrying some a.Jumny Rowan—Ultima.
Clande GieerSea Lake.
F
illy Rail—Wycheproof.• J. Burns—Ganmain, N.S.W., very keen on an Old Boys' . Reunion; life member M.S.S.
,n1) Watkins— ffi Grith, N.S.W.
rookston—Camden, N.S.W.
r., '-
‘' r°8s---iMoree, N.S.W.
'96 THE SPECULUM. Oct., 1919.
Bluey Wickens, M.C.—Married ; still the same.
HarbisonMarried.
Julie Hickford—Ditto.; both doing well.
Arthur Day—Gone to Rotterdam, medical adviser to 12,000 Huns.
F. Donovan—Private, Murrumbeena ; has not been using his car as a "tank" lately.
Lin. Craig—Private, Yarram.
De Lacy—Base.
Doug. Thomas—Caulfield.
Bert Shugg—Caulfield.
Dave Yoffa, Bert Cohen, Paddy Moran, Jim Bell, Bob Shaw.
"Monk." Harley, "Snokker" Graham, S. Hills, Dick Saltau, Chas. Osborne, Geo. Brandis, Portly Robinson, Colin Mc- Donald, Bill Fitchett—Residents M.H.
Jack Whittaker, Mervyn Stewart, W. Forster, H. Moore—Re- gistrars M.H.
Ben Richards—Private, Box Hill ; hale and stout.
Stewart Cowan—Beaney; scholarship pathology.
Rupert Downes—Out-patient surgeon M.H.
"Puss" Cave—Also 0.P., M.H.
Teddy White—Honorary, W.H.
Turnbull—Medical 0.P., M.H. ; his clinics are worth while.
Ellis Gillespie—Private, Malvern.
Dick Manly—Doing well; Werribee.
Jack Jackson—With his father ; Brisbane champion amateur athlete of Queensland.
"Snakes" Morrissey—Brisbane Gen.
Jack Crawford—Milis, Queensland.
France, 14/3/19.
Dear Spec.—In these days of movement, whereabouts are hard to locate, and will probably be out of date when you re - ceive them. But you'll probably find some returned M.O. in the tavern who will correct them and add to them and drink your beer in the same breath. Keep one down for me.
Met in London early in February, on leave from France.
with heavy casualties from the resultant barrage :-
Downes (30th Bn.), Baldwin (5th Field), Cato, M.C. (1s t Bn.), Robertson, J. R. (13th Field), McCallum (3rd
M.C1•
Tin.).
Seen in Piccadilly, and very nice, too, Hutsey Jacobs (1st Field) ; also caught in the undertow, and last seen drifting towards the rocks in Leicester Square:—
!(1 1919. THE ‘,--, 1'hICULl \I. 9 .7 Crawcour—on the pure (so he said).
Gandevia—a Hercules disguised in a Sam Brown.
Harold Brown, Aitcheson and Donaldson.
Seen drifting round France:—
Noel Maclure-11th Field.
Benny Lewers—C.O. 11th Field, at present touring Rhine- land.
Andy Luke-44th Bn., and a virtuous family man.
O'Sullivan-43rd Bn.
Frank Miller-41st Bn.
Pod Watson, M.C.-34th Bn., and on draft awaiting demob..
Roy Bartram—D.A.D.M.S., 3rd Div.
Graves—Major, 9th Field.
Crawley-7th Field.
Ivan Connor—On the road to fame in pursuit of the 'flu bug..
Dave Bodycomb-1st Artillery.
Britten-8th Field.
Ron. le 'Souef-3rd 'Funnelling Coy.
Conk. Hayes-3rd Field.
Bob Shaw—En route home after 'flue and pleurisy.
Hack Jolley—Lieut.-Col., en route home.
Germon—In London with an eye towards a F.R.C.S.
Mailer—Post graduate work in London.
Hoppe Webster—Ditto., having acquired a wife.
Post graduate, work is being arranged as a three months' Course with the run of most of the London medical schools and' special hospitals—Bart's, St. George's, Guy's, King's College, London, Middlesex. St. Thomas's, University College, West- Minster, and so on. As most of us are still floundering along in the M..and 1). and No. 9 rut, and couldn't tell rhonchia from scybala, the Lord knows we need it. Cheerioh!
F. McCALLUM.