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The Reality and Philosophy of Parenting
Society has started to liberate ideas from their iron, backward chains: homosexuality is not a disorder, rape is not the victim’s fault, and mental illnesses are authentic diseases that people have to deal with daily. Thankfully, ideas and beliefs regarding families, especially parents, have also progressed. Corporal punishment is not as accepted, parents have the responsibility to care for their children but not the full authority to dictate their children’s lives, and emotional abuse by parents is now a recognized form of maltreatment, which is beyond
physical abuse. However, these liberating ideas may cross the line, just as how some children shout “Abuse!” the moment that their parents do not allow them to go out for the night. On the other hand, some parents have become too lenient at the expense of their child’s development into becoming a socially responsible person; they have totally disregarded to exercise their authority over their children. So where do we draw the line?
This paper will set the clear distinction between valid and invalid forms of exercising authority on children: the line can be drawn between discipline and punishment. Discipline helps the child develop self-control while punishment only operates on the child’s fear and not their internal controls.
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For this reason, this paper will only discuss the authority that parents exercise over their children. In the cases that the child has lost his/her parents, what would be considered as their “parents” (at least for this paper) would be their guardians who have taken them in and have the responsibility to guide the child. Although I acknowledge that a lot of other people have authority over children, such as teachers, uncles, aunts, and grandparents, parents have the most impact on a child’s development, which is the main reason why valid and invalid forms of exercising authority should be identified.
Parenting Styles
All the valid and invalid forms of exercising authority over children cannot be exhausted in this paper, but they can be explained through the varying ways that parents deal with their children, which can be classified into the different parenting styles. For this paper, Baumrind’s Parenting Typology will be utilized. Diana
Baumrind identified the basic elements that contribute to successful or unsuccessful parenting: responsiveness vs. unresponsiveness, demanding vs. undemanding.iii The combination of these elements give us the different parenting styles which are authoritative, permissive, authoritarian, and neglectful.
iv
Authoritative Permissive
Authoritarian Neglectful High Responsiveness
Low Demandingness High
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In authoritative parenting, the parent is demanding and responsive; the parent develops a clear set of rules for the child while remaining affectionate to them. The parent encourages open dialogue; s/he shares the reasoning behind his/her policies and asks the child his/her reasoning behind his/her objections. They nurture their children in a supportive environment tolerant of failure. Mistakes do not go unnoticed, but parents clearly tell the children what mistake they have committed and why this is not acceptable. Most importantly, the parent imposes his/her perspective while acknowledging that his/her child is also an individual with his/her own interests and perspectives. v
Children who have authoritative parents generally have a happy disposition in life. They develop better self-control, are mature, and independent. They are able to handle emotions well and have an easier time relating with their peers.
Furthermore, they do not strictly assign traits to certain genders; they do not call out boys who are sensitive nor girls who are rough. vi
In permissive parenting, the parent is undemanding and responsive.
Permissive parents are very affectionate and acceptant, but they fail to set limits on their children. They believe that what is best for their child is giving what the child wants with little to no reprimand. They often consult with their child regarding family rules and observance of such are not consistent. The parents allow the child to use them as a source to grant their wishes than to act as their role model. Permissive parents avoid exercising authority over their children and they barely encourage their child to follow social norms and standards.
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emotions well, especially with regards to negative emotions. They also have a difficult time sticking to challenging tasks at hand.
In authoritarian parenting, the parent is demanding and unresponsive. They set high standards that are often absolute but fail to respond to the child’s
emotional needs. Mistakes of the children are not tolerated at all and they often fail to tell the children why what they did is unacceptable. Forceful and punitive measures are utilized in order to punish the child who disobeys. The parent
restricts the autonomy given to the child, as an increase of freedom means increase in misbehavior. There is very little open dialogue between parent and child; the parent expects the child not to question the former’s belief but rather to accept it fully as what is objectively right.
Children who have authoritarian parents tend to grow up shy, fearful, and with low self-esteem. They generally have an unhappy disposition in life. Negative emotions, especially frustration, are not handled well; girls generally give up while boys become hostile. Because of the parents’ high standards and constant
monitoring, these children also tend to do well in school.
In neglectful parenting, the parent is undemanding and unresponsive. Parents with this parenting style fail to set any standards or expectation for their children, and do not respond to any of the child’s emotional needs. Neglectful parents do not take the responsibility of caring for their child as they often put themselves first and therefore lack care for their child. Neglectful parenting may be the most harmful style to a child’s development as the parents put themselves first before their child’s wellbeing.vii
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attention also leads the child to have academic problems. Finally, they have difficulty in dealing with emotions especially because of the likely anger that they feel as a result of neglect and they were not guided by their parents on how to do so.viii
Of all 4 styles, authoritative parenting produces the most parental actions that fall under valid forms of exercising authority over children. Permissive,
neglectful, and authoritarian parenting styles all fail to balance the parent demands and their children’s wants and needs. In the remaining parenting styles, the parent either enforces authority over their children at the cost of the child’s development (authoritarian) or they enforce very little (permissive) to no authority at all (neglectful).
Child Abuse and Neglect
Another parenting style resulting to invalid forms of exercising authority over children is abusive parenting. The maltreatment takes on different forms: physical abuse, sexual abuse, neglect, and emotional maltreatment. The Canadian Incidence Study of Reported Child Abuse and Neglectix is a study that identifies child abuse and neglect cases reported to the different child welfare services in Canada; child abuse cases that do not involve parents or relatives in the home are not included as they are investigated by the police and not the welfare services. Even though the study covers only abuse cases in Canada, what I will be utilizing in the study are the definitions of the categories of maltreatment as well as its respective effects on the children, which I believe are applicable to child abuse cases outside that country.
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Physical abuse is divided into three subcategories: Shaken Baby Syndrome (where the infant suffers from neck and brain injuries, resulting for him/her to be shaken), Inappropriate Punishment, and Other Physical Abuse.
For sexual abuse, the maltreatment can range from sexual activity to sexual harassment. These are: sexual activity completed, sexual activity attempted, touching/fondling genitals, adult exposing genitals to child, sexual exploitation (prostitution or pornography), sexual harassment, and voyeurism.
Neglect here is not the same as was described in neglectful parenting. It is
more extreme, taking on different forms: failure to supervise or protect leading to physical harm, failure to supervise or protect leading to sexual abuse, physical neglect (food, clothing, hygiene), medical neglect, failure to provide treatment for mental, emotional, or development problem, permitting maladaptive/criminal behavior, abandonment/refusal of custody, and educational neglect.
Emotional Maltreatment is the most difficult category to identify because it
does not involve one specific event nor any physical injuries or evidence.
Furthermore, its effects are not seen immediately but become apparent only over time. The study identified the different subcategories for emotional maltreatment and these are: emotional abuse (overly hostile, punitive treatment or extreme verbal abuse), non-organic failure to thrive (child under 3 suffers from retardation where no biological reason can be identified), emotional neglect (lack of
nurturance/affection), and exposed to family violence.
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attendance problem. Victims of neglect have general behavior problems, irregular school attendance, negative peer involvement, developmental delay, resort to substance abuse, and run away from home. Those who have experienced emotional maltreatment generally have depression, anxiety, and behavior problems.
Parents must be aware of their actions towards their children as abusive parenting stems from authoritative, permissive, and neglectful parenting. As one can see, the extreme effects of bad parenting can harm the child for life, and possibly pass it on to their own children.
Discipline and Punishment
Although the parenting styles give a general view regarding the valid and invalid forms of exercising authority over their children, I believe that a clear distinction should be made between the two. I believe that authority is best seen when a parent deals with a child’s mistakes. Going back to Oxford’s definition of authority, how does the parent enforce obedience upon the child? What orders do they give their child? What decisions do they make and what are the reasoning behind them? When a child makes a mistake, the parents will either punish or discipline the child.
Punishment Discipline
Purpose To inflict penalty for
an offense
To train for correction and maturity
Focus Past misdeeds Future correct acts
Attitude Hostility and
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The premise of punishment is that the authority of the parent is imposed over the child through fear. The child develops the mindset that other people should determine whether what s/he is doing is right or wrong, instead of the child being able to determine the difference on his/her own. Punishment is geared to control the child instead of making him/her understand why what s/he did was wrong. They become conditioned to avoid certain actions because of the
punishment that they will receive rather than doing what is good because they understand that it is socially and morally the right thing to do. They fail to develop internal controls and therefore would be okay in doing what is wrong as long as they do not get caught. Studies also show that children who are constantly punished by their parents experience less guilt, are more irresponsible and easily give in to temptation. Finally, children will find fear, control, and violence as acceptable solutions to conflict.xii
Discipline, on the other hand, is marked by open and respectful dialogue between parent and child. With discipline, the child understands that a certain act is wrong because it violates a certain social order and would therefore avoid doing this whether or not the parents are aware of the child’s actions. Children also develop an understanding that all their actions have consequences not just on them but also on society; such consequences are not determined by other people but by the choices the child makes. They also realize the connection between their choices, their actions, and the consequences of such actions, and the impact it has on other people.
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The Philosophy in Parenting
In pointing out the best parenting style, authoritative, and clearly identifying the valid form of exercising authority over children, discipline, one strong element is evident in the two: prioritization of the child’s development and individuality. Authoritative parents value the child’s perspective because they understand that the child is an individual who has his/her own interests and perspectives. Discipline develops the child’s understanding of how his/her actions impact other people; they also understand that the mistakes they have done violate social standards/norms and therefore would avoid doing these whether or not they are under the supervision of their parents.
It is important for the child to develop well in order to go through the stages of forming his/her own individuality, which Jürgen Habermas points out to be the following: radical self-choice, realization of the gaze, and ethical self-realization.xiii
Authoritative parents who discipline instead of punish create an intersubjective environment around their child, who realizes that s/he is an individual within a society that s/he constantly affects. Furthermore, the child realizes that s/he needs society in order for his/her identity as an individual to be constantly validated. Having said this, the child becomes responsible of his/her actions because society gazes back at him/her, making him/her accountable. An understanding of society, its norms, and standards, gives the child a gentle pressure to continue becoming his/her responsible self.
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therefore do not realize the gaze that would have given them gentle pressure to continue becoming his/her responsible self.
More than just a developing individuality, a child also develops moral respect. In Asymmetrical Reciprocity by Iris Young, she argues that those involved in a moral discourse should not have replaceable standpoints because it obscures differences between the individuals, it is actually impossible to reverse standpoints, and it is politically suspect of siding with the privileged. To understand each other across differences, the individuals must first acknowledge reciprocity: that I am a subject and you are a subject as well (and vice versa). Second, to acknowledge that this reciprocity is asymmetrical because of our temporality and specificity of position in society. Third, we must become open to understanding because of this reciprocity where we transcend beyond our experiences because of what we learn from others. Finally, we get to understand that we will never fully understand the other. xiv
Children who have authoritative parents and experience discipline than punishment do not have much experience in open, moral dialogue. They either accept what is given, whether morally right or wrong, or force on other people what they think is right. They close off any dialogue precisely because they do not
understand that, even if we are talking about someone continents away, that person is still a subject.
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Endnotes
i Authority. (2016). In Oxford Dictionaries. Retrieved April 16, 2016 from http://www.oxforddictionaries.com/.
ii Kendrick, M. (n.d.) The Natural Authority of Families. Retrieved April 16, 2016 from http://www.mfofc.org/pdf/natural-authority-of-families-kendrick.pdf iii Baumrind, D. (1967). Child care practices anteceding three patterns of preschool behavior. Genetic Psychology Monographs, 75(1), 43-88.
iv Directly lifted from http://www.positive-parenting-ally.com/four-basic-parenting-styles.html
v Mgbemere, B., Telles, R. (2013, December 10). Types of Parenting Styles and How to Identify Yours. Retrieved April 16, 2016 from https://my.vanderbilt.edu/.
vi http://www.devpsy.org/teaching/parent/baumrind_styles.html
vii http://everydaylife.globalpost.com/bad-parenting-vs-irresponsible-parents-2660.html
viii http://cccrd.publishpath.com/Websites/cccrd/images/NParenting.pdf
ix Trocme, N., MacLaurin, B., Fallon, B., Daciuk, J., Billingsley, D., Tourigny, M., et al. (2001). Canadian Incidence Study of Reported Child Abuse and Neglect. Retrieved from National Clearinghouse on Family Violence.
x Directly lifted from http://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/effective-biblical-discipline/effective-child-discipline/punishment-versus-discipline
xi http://msue.anr.msu.edu/news/positive_discipline_punishment_vs_discipline xii http://positiveparenting.com/discipline-punishment/
xiii Habermas, Jürgen. An Intersubjectivist Concept of Individuality. In Journal of Chinese Philosophy (133-141).
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