BUKU | SAIDNA ZULFIQAR BIN TAHIR (VIKAR)

Introduction to SKIP 2

Introduction to SKIP Modules 3

Conscious Parenting 4

What฀is฀conscious฀parenting?฀ 6

The Five Stages of Change 7

STAGE ONE: Unaware 8

STAGE TWO: Becoming Aware 10

What฀do฀parents฀want฀for฀their฀children?฀ 11

STAGE THREE: Ready to Change 13

Identifying฀parenting฀styles฀ 13

STAGE FOUR: Taking Action 18

STAGE FIVE: Maintaining Change 20

Change฀takes฀time฀ 20

Learning฀is฀a฀cyclical฀process฀ 21

Empathy฀and฀understanding฀ 22

Identifying฀parents’฀strengths฀ 23

Support฀and฀encouragement฀ 24

A Final Word 28

Contacts, Resources and References 29

Contents

SKIP supports parents and caregivers to raise children

in a positive way, using effective non-physical

discipline that includes love and nurture and limits

and boundaries.

SKIP is doing this in three ways.

•฀ It฀is฀supporting฀local฀community฀groups฀to฀promote฀positive฀parenting฀ through฀a฀Local฀Initiatives฀Fund.

•฀ It฀is฀working฀with฀national฀organisations฀to฀build฀capacity฀to฀support฀฀ parents฀and฀caregivers.

•฀ It฀has฀developed฀resources฀for฀parents฀and฀caregivers฀and฀the฀organisations฀ working฀with฀them.

Introduction to SKIP

VISION

All฀children฀in฀New฀Zealand฀are฀raised฀ in฀a฀positive฀way,฀with฀parents฀and฀ caregivers฀who฀feel฀confident฀about฀ managing฀children’s฀behaviour฀as฀part฀฀ of฀a฀loving,฀nurturing฀relationship.฀

VALUES

SKIP฀will:

•฀ be฀positive฀and฀non-judgmental

•฀ affirm฀parents฀and฀caregivers’฀ expertise฀and฀experience

•฀ be฀sensitive฀to฀the฀complexity฀฀ and฀stress฀of฀family฀life

•฀ emphasise฀links฀between฀child฀ development฀and฀behaviour

•฀ focus฀on฀the฀whole฀child,฀including฀ where฀they฀live,฀who฀they฀live฀with฀ and฀their฀environment.

OBJECTIVES

•฀ Increase฀the฀opportunities฀฀ for฀communities฀to฀provide฀฀ positive฀parenting.฀

•฀ Increase฀the฀consistency฀and฀ application฀of฀knowledge฀about฀ effective฀non-physical฀discipline฀ within฀organisations฀working฀with฀ parents,฀caregivers฀and฀children.

Components

Research฀says…

Reflective฀questions

Tips฀for฀exercises

Resources

The SKIP modules have been developed for organisations

supporting parents and caregivers.

The modules have been split into several sections so they

can be used in a number of ways. For example:

•฀ as฀the฀the฀basis฀of฀staff฀training

•฀ to฀inform฀or฀train฀parents฀

•฀ they฀can฀be฀used฀alongside฀the฀SKIP฀parent฀pamphlets,

•฀ sections฀can฀be฀used฀as฀handouts฀in฀existing฀training฀programmes

•฀ they฀can฀be฀used฀to฀develop฀local฀resources.

Conscious Parenting

Parenting is one of the most rewarding and

How many parents will identify with

the following scenario?

฀ You฀are฀in฀the฀supermarket฀and฀your฀five-year-old฀son฀is฀whining฀for฀lollies.฀฀ It’s฀late,฀you฀are฀tired฀and฀hungry฀and฀the฀queue฀is฀long.฀Before฀you฀are฀even฀ aware฀of฀it,฀you฀hear฀yourself฀using฀the฀language฀and฀tone฀that฀you฀had฀hoped฀ you฀would฀never฀resort฀to.฀

฀ “Just฀wait฀till฀we฀get฀home.฀I’m฀sick฀of฀your฀nagging฀and฀whining.฀฀ How฀could฀you฀be฀so฀ungrateful?”

฀ Your฀child฀looks฀defiant฀and฀hurt.฀You฀feel฀bad฀but฀justified฀in฀what฀you฀said.฀฀ The฀part฀you฀dislike฀the฀most฀is฀that฀you฀sounded฀just฀like฀your฀dad.฀You฀never฀ intended฀to฀follow฀suit!

This฀is฀a฀story฀many฀parents฀will฀identify฀with.฀What฀surprises฀us฀is฀that฀we฀find฀฀ ourselves฀doing฀things฀that฀were฀done฀to฀us,฀even฀though฀we฀didn’t฀like฀it฀when฀we฀฀ were฀children.

In฀the฀video฀Parent฀Voices฀one฀mother฀shares฀how฀she฀responded฀to฀the฀cries฀฀ of฀her฀son.฀Understanding฀dawned฀for฀this฀mother฀when฀she฀shared฀with฀her฀own฀ mother฀about฀her฀violent฀reaction฀and฀her฀mother฀replies฀with฀“That’s฀what฀used฀฀ to฀happen฀to฀you.”

What฀happens฀during฀childhood฀has฀฀ a฀lifelong฀effect฀on฀children’s฀happiness฀฀ and฀success.

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Parent฀Voices฀is฀on฀DVD฀and฀video.฀It฀can฀ be฀used฀in฀training,฀for฀personal฀viewing,฀or฀ given฀to฀parents฀and฀caregivers฀to฀help฀ them฀reflect฀on฀their฀own฀parenting.

What฀happened฀in฀parents’฀own฀childhoods฀is฀often฀carried฀through฀into฀their฀own฀ families.฀Sometimes฀this฀is฀fine฀–฀but฀sometimes฀negative฀or฀destructive฀examples฀฀ of฀parenting฀are฀also฀carried฀through,฀and฀parents฀can฀be฀horrified฀and฀ashamed฀฀ that฀they฀are฀behaving฀like฀their฀own฀parents.

What฀matters฀is฀that฀when฀we฀care฀for฀children฀we฀have฀some฀choice฀about฀฀ how฀we฀do฀it.฀

SKIP calls this conscious parenting.

What is conscious parenting?

Conscious฀parenting฀means฀becoming฀deliberate฀and฀intentional฀about฀what฀฀ we฀want฀for฀the฀children฀we฀care฀for.฀

It’s฀making฀choices฀about฀what฀we฀bring฀from฀our฀own฀families฀and฀what฀we฀choose฀ to฀leave฀out.฀This฀pro-active฀style฀is฀essential฀in฀establishing฀healthy฀patterns฀for฀family฀ functioning.฀It฀enables฀parents฀and฀caregivers฀to฀choose฀and฀honour฀what฀was฀good฀ and฀respectful฀in฀their฀own฀childhood.฀It฀helps฀them฀to฀make฀choices฀that฀are฀good฀ for฀them฀and฀the฀children฀for฀whom฀they฀care.

STAGE ONE:

Unaware

STAGE TWO:

Becoming Aware

STAGE THREE:

Ready to Change

STAGE FOUR:

Taking

Action

STAGE FIVE:

Maintaining Change

These฀stages฀form฀spirals฀of฀learning.฀We฀move฀through฀the฀stages฀at฀different฀times,฀ in฀different฀ways,฀on฀different฀matters.฀There฀is฀nothing฀neat฀or฀tidy฀about฀it.฀Ideally,฀ we฀are฀continually฀identifying฀areas฀in฀our฀parenting฀that฀we฀have฀not฀been฀aware฀฀ of฀and฀making฀decisions฀about฀what฀we฀want฀to฀keep฀and฀what฀we฀want฀to฀change.฀

Familiarity฀with฀this฀spiral฀of฀learning฀is฀a฀prompt฀to฀us฀to฀keep฀on฀learning฀and฀ changing฀what฀we฀do฀as฀a฀result฀of฀what฀we฀learn.฀When฀we’ve฀found฀something฀ that฀works,฀we’ll฀add฀it฀to฀our฀practice,฀then฀start฀thinking฀about฀another฀area฀of฀our฀ parenting฀that฀could฀be฀changed.

The Five Stages of Change

SKIP฀research฀identified฀five฀stages฀฀ of฀becoming฀conscious฀about฀฀ parenting฀practices.

Gravitas

STAGE FOUR

: Taking Action

STAGE TH

REE: Ready to Change

STAGE TWO:

Becoming Aware

STAGE ONE: Unware

STAGE FIVE: Maintaining Change

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STAGE ONE:

Unaware

When฀we’re฀at฀this฀stage฀as฀a฀parent฀or฀caregiver,฀we฀probably฀take฀parenting฀for฀ granted.฀We’ll฀do฀what฀‘comes฀naturally’.฀We’ll฀tend฀to฀be฀instinctive฀which฀often฀ equates฀to฀being฀reactive.฀We฀don’t฀reflect฀on฀our฀behaviour฀towards฀our฀children฀ or฀understand฀our฀reactions฀to฀them.฀We฀tend฀to฀repeat฀our฀own฀experiences฀฀ of฀parenting.฀Another฀name฀for฀this฀stage฀is฀pre-contemplation.

At฀this฀stage,฀we’ll฀often฀be฀resistant฀to฀making฀changes฀in฀our฀practice.฀Readiness฀฀ to฀change฀involves฀becoming฀aware฀of฀a฀particular฀behaviour.

Some฀parents฀and฀caregivers฀will฀have฀pressures฀on฀them฀that฀need฀to฀be฀฀ addressed฀before฀they฀are฀open฀to฀considering฀their฀parenting฀practices.฀

How฀can฀we฀support฀parents฀and฀caregivers฀to฀start฀thinking฀about฀their฀฀ parenting฀practices?

SKIP฀research฀suggests฀the฀following฀methods฀may฀lead฀to฀change:

•฀ education฀(e.g.฀learning฀that฀physical฀discipline฀can฀be฀harmful)

•฀ awareness฀and฀consciousness฀raising฀(learning฀to฀reflect฀on฀how฀they฀฀ were฀disciplined฀and฀how฀this฀affects฀their฀relationships฀with฀their฀children)

•฀ up-to-date฀information฀(learning฀that฀physical฀discipline฀is฀not฀used฀as฀฀ commonly฀as฀they฀thought).฀

Gravitas

Working with parents and caregivers

•฀ Address฀the฀immediate฀concerns฀of฀the฀parent฀or฀caregiver.

•฀ Listen฀and฀observe฀carefully฀watch฀out฀for฀‘windows฀of฀opportunities’฀–฀ moments฀when฀a฀parent฀expresses฀dissatisfaction฀with฀the฀outcome฀฀ of฀a฀particular฀parenting฀strategy฀or฀a฀concern฀about฀their฀own฀behaviour.฀

฀ If฀this฀occurs,฀sympathise฀with฀the฀person฀and฀use฀your฀own฀experience฀฀ to฀suggest฀something฀different.฀Talk฀about฀the฀desired฀outcome.

•฀ Use฀any฀opportunity฀to฀expose฀parents฀to฀discussions฀about฀parenting,฀situations฀ where฀they฀can฀observe฀other฀models฀of฀parenting฀and฀make฀use฀of฀฀TV฀or฀ newspaper฀items฀e.g.฀“Did฀you฀see฀that฀item฀about฀…฀what฀did฀you฀think฀of฀it?”

•฀ Pick฀up฀on฀the฀reults฀of฀any฀positive฀parenting฀actions,฀for฀example,฀the฀฀ parent฀may฀nod฀or฀smile฀at฀a฀child฀who฀comes฀when฀they’re฀called.฀If฀the฀฀ child฀looks฀happy฀to฀have฀received฀the฀smile,฀point฀out฀how฀nice฀it฀is฀to฀see฀฀ the฀child’s฀response.฀

1฀ If฀you฀are฀a฀parent฀think฀about฀times฀when฀you฀reacted฀to฀children฀rather฀ than฀acting฀consciously฀towards฀them.฀What฀helped฀you฀become฀aware฀฀ of฀your฀own฀practice?

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STAGE TWO:

Becoming Aware

The฀second฀step฀towards฀conscious฀parenting฀is฀becoming฀aware฀that฀change฀is฀ possible฀–฀taking฀time฀to฀think฀about฀your฀own฀parenting฀experiences฀and฀how฀฀ you฀care฀for฀children.฀฀Another฀name฀for฀this฀stage฀is฀the฀contemplation฀stage.

Usually฀this฀stage฀begins฀with฀a฀trigger฀–฀watching฀a฀TV฀news฀item฀on฀child฀abuse,฀ overhearing฀a฀discussion฀about฀parenting,฀or฀becoming฀concerned฀about฀your฀ behaviour฀or฀a฀child’s฀behaviour.฀฀The฀trigger฀creates฀an฀opportunity฀for฀us฀to฀think฀ about฀why฀we฀parent฀the฀way฀we฀do.

Reflective฀questions฀for฀parent฀support฀workers:฀Before฀working฀with฀parents฀฀ and฀caregivers,฀do฀these฀exercises฀for฀yourself฀(if฀you฀haven’t฀already).฀It฀is฀difficult฀฀ to฀support฀someone฀to฀become฀conscious฀of฀their฀own฀practices฀if฀you฀have฀not฀ done฀this฀yourself.

Our own parents

We฀can฀assist฀parents฀and฀caregivers฀in฀their฀journey฀by฀asking฀questions฀about฀the฀ families฀they฀came฀from.฀We฀can฀help฀parents฀identify฀and฀categorise฀what฀they฀did฀ and฀didn’t฀like฀and฀why.฀

•฀ What฀did฀you฀appreciate฀about฀what฀your฀parents฀did฀for฀you?

•฀ What฀memories฀do฀you฀have฀from฀your฀family?

•฀ What฀are฀some฀of฀the฀good฀things฀that฀you฀would฀like฀to฀repeat฀ in฀your฀family?

•฀ What฀are฀the฀aspects฀of฀your฀childhood฀that฀you฀don’t฀want฀to฀฀ see฀repeated?

•฀ What฀kind฀of฀parent฀would฀you฀like฀to฀be?฀Why?

•฀ What฀are฀some฀things฀you’d฀like฀to฀do฀differently?

The฀feelings฀that฀parents฀are฀left฀with฀will฀alert฀them฀to฀whether฀they฀want฀฀ to฀follow฀suit฀or฀adopt฀a฀different฀way.฀

For฀some,฀this฀will฀raise฀difficult฀memories,฀but฀they฀can฀be฀used฀positively฀฀ as฀they฀plan฀for฀the฀future.฀Making฀sense฀of฀our฀own฀childhoods฀is฀vital฀in฀the฀ parenting฀journey.฀It฀is฀in฀that฀process฀that฀parenting฀becomes฀more฀conscious.฀

The experiences of your parents

Some฀parents฀have฀found฀it฀helpful฀to฀spend฀time฀with฀their฀own฀parents฀talking฀about฀ what฀it฀was฀like฀for฀them฀when฀they฀were฀growing฀up฀in฀an฀earlier฀generation.฀This฀ offers฀the฀opportunity฀to฀see฀what฀our฀parents฀faced,฀the฀difficulties฀and฀challenges฀ they฀had฀which฀in฀turn฀makes฀it฀easier฀for฀us฀to฀understand฀why฀our฀parents฀ functioned฀the฀way฀they฀did.

•฀ Did฀they฀feel฀listened฀to?

•฀ What฀was฀the฀atmosphere฀in฀their฀family฀like?

•฀ How฀did฀they฀know฀what฀the฀rules฀were?฀

•฀ How฀were฀they฀disciplined?

•฀ When฀they฀were฀disciplined,฀did฀they฀understand฀the฀reasons?

•฀ When฀they฀were฀disciplined,฀did฀they฀feel฀their฀dignity฀was฀still฀intact?

•฀ What฀freedoms฀and฀responsibilities฀did฀they฀have?

•฀ What฀did฀they฀do฀for฀fun฀in฀the฀family?

•฀ Were฀there฀any฀special฀traditions฀or฀celebrations?

What do parents want for their children?

Parents฀and฀caregivers฀are฀looking฀for฀practical฀ways฀of฀connecting฀with฀children฀฀ and฀providing฀a฀framework฀of฀good฀memories.฀

Parents฀are฀generally฀united฀in฀their฀desire฀ to฀achieve฀the฀best฀possible฀outcomes฀for฀ their฀children฀through฀their฀parenting.฀

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Hopes and dreams

From฀here,฀encourage฀parents฀to฀look฀to฀the฀future.฀Parents฀have฀dreams฀and฀hopes฀ for฀their฀children฀that฀they฀may฀have฀internalised฀but฀not฀yet฀spoken฀of.฀Most฀parents฀ want฀the฀very฀best฀for฀their฀children฀but฀are฀unsure฀of฀how฀to฀achieve฀it.

Suggest฀that฀parents฀and฀caregivers฀ create฀a฀list฀of฀simple฀and฀pleasurable฀ activities฀that฀encourage฀them฀to฀enjoy฀ their฀children฀and฀do฀things฀together.฀ The฀list฀can฀be฀attached฀to฀the฀fridge฀ with฀a฀SKIP฀magnet฀as฀a฀reminder฀of฀ possibilities.฀You฀could฀write฀each฀one฀ on฀a฀card฀and฀distribute฀them฀as฀group฀ discussion฀starters.

SKIP฀fridge฀magnets฀are฀attractive฀small฀ magnets฀with฀short฀messages฀on฀them.

Working with parents and caregivers

Use฀thought-provoking฀questions฀to฀help฀clarify฀issues฀for฀parents฀and฀caregivers:

•฀ What฀kind฀of฀relationship฀do฀you฀want฀with฀your฀children? •฀ What฀sort฀of฀person฀do฀you฀want฀your฀child฀to฀grow฀into? •฀ What฀type฀of฀vision฀do฀you฀have฀for฀your฀family’s฀future?฀

•฀ What฀picture฀would฀you฀like฀your฀child฀to฀have฀of฀their฀upbringing? •฀ Read฀a฀story

•฀ Play฀a฀game฀on฀the฀floor •฀ Make฀them฀laugh •฀ Have฀some฀cuddles •฀ Share฀a฀family฀meal •฀ Go฀for฀a฀walk

•฀ Have฀an฀ice-cream฀together •฀ Spend฀time฀in฀the฀library •฀ Teach฀them฀something฀new •฀ Do฀some฀cooking฀with฀them •฀ Sing฀a฀song฀with฀them •฀ Plant฀flowers฀together •฀ Have฀a฀silly฀game

•฀ Include฀children฀in฀family฀ outings,฀fono฀and฀hui •฀ Honour฀children฀for฀an฀

achievement

•฀ Display฀one฀of฀their฀pictures •฀ Have฀an฀overnight฀camp฀out฀฀

with฀them

•฀ Praise฀them฀in฀front฀of฀others •฀ Spend฀ten฀minutes฀focused฀฀

on฀their฀activity

•฀ Show฀them฀something฀you฀ treasure

•฀ Go฀through฀a฀photo฀album฀ •฀ Take฀a฀photo฀

STAGE THREE:

Ready for change

We฀can฀use฀the฀analogy฀of฀a฀road฀journey฀to฀demonstrate฀the฀steps฀needed฀to฀bring฀ about฀change.฀The฀first฀requirement฀is฀to฀know฀where฀you฀are.฀Becoming฀aware฀฀ of฀what฀they฀want฀for฀their฀children฀helps฀parents฀determine฀where฀they฀want฀to฀go.฀ The฀broad฀analysis฀of฀parenting฀strengths฀and฀styles฀that฀follows฀can฀really฀help฀parents฀ work฀out฀where฀they฀are฀as฀parents.฀With฀this฀information,฀they฀can฀make฀choices฀ about฀the฀route฀they฀want฀to฀follow.฀For฀example,฀parents฀who฀have฀a฀tendency฀to฀set฀ rigid฀rules฀without฀giving฀reasons฀to฀their฀children,฀may฀use฀this฀insight฀into฀their฀parenting฀ style฀to฀see฀other฀possibilities฀for฀achieving฀the฀best฀for฀children฀in฀their฀care.

Identifying parenting styles

Describe฀the฀three฀main฀styles฀of฀parenting฀and฀explain฀that฀although฀every฀parent/ caregiver฀is฀unique฀(we฀have฀different฀genes,฀backgrounds,฀stresses฀and฀reasons฀for฀ behaving฀the฀way฀we฀do)฀we฀usually฀have฀no฀difficulty฀in฀recognising฀that฀our฀parenting฀ style฀fits฀into฀one฀or฀a฀combination฀of฀the฀following฀three฀broad฀categories:฀

authoritarian,฀permissive,฀or฀authoritative.

Authoritarian

This฀style฀is฀characterised฀by฀strict฀rules฀which฀are฀rigidly฀enforced,฀along฀with฀ unquestioning฀obedience฀and฀respect฀for฀authority.฀Methods฀of฀discipline฀tend฀฀ to฀be฀harsh฀and฀punitive.฀Other฀words฀for฀this฀unbending฀style฀are฀“Sergeant฀Major”฀฀ or฀“brick฀wall”฀parents.฀

Parents฀often฀find฀themselves฀in฀this฀groove฀because฀they฀want฀their฀children฀฀ to฀learn฀important฀family฀values฀and฀to฀succeed฀in฀life.฀Of฀course฀there’s฀nothing฀ wrong฀with฀that!฀The฀important฀thing฀here฀is฀how฀they฀go฀about฀this฀task. There฀is฀no฀one฀model฀which฀is฀the฀best฀

for฀influencing฀all฀parents.฀Models฀which฀ are฀based฀on฀the฀realities฀of฀family฀lives,฀ treat฀parents฀as฀equals฀and฀partners,฀and฀ recognise฀the฀strengths฀and฀skills฀that฀ parents฀have,฀rather฀than฀try฀to฀fix฀up฀ what฀is฀wrong฀with฀them,฀are฀more฀likely฀ to฀be฀effective.฀

CIC฀2004:฀27

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Very฀often฀it฀can฀seem฀that฀the฀parents฀give฀instructions฀and฀orders฀(followed฀฀ by฀lots฀of฀reminders).฀Their฀children฀are฀either฀listening฀or฀ignoring฀them,฀and฀the฀ latter฀is฀likely฀to฀result฀in฀punishment.

Authoritarian฀parents฀usually฀insist฀on฀receiving฀respect฀at฀all฀times฀from฀their฀ children฀–฀but฀it฀may฀be฀optional฀for฀parents฀to฀show฀it฀in฀return!฀Children฀฀ of฀authoritarian฀parents฀tend฀to฀be฀dependent,฀easily฀led,฀have฀low฀self-esteem฀฀ and฀eventually฀are฀more฀likely฀to฀reject฀their฀parents฀and฀their฀values.

The฀downside฀of฀the฀authoritarian฀style฀is฀that฀children฀may฀be:

•฀ encouraged฀to฀be฀increasingly฀passive฀(the฀parents฀do฀all฀of฀their฀thinking฀฀ for฀them)

•฀ deprived฀of฀the฀opportunity฀(through฀working฀things฀out฀for฀themselves)฀฀ to฀learn฀how฀capable฀they฀really

•฀ slower฀to฀build฀their฀self฀confidence

•฀ deprived฀of฀the฀learning฀that฀comes฀from฀failing฀sometimes,฀and฀thereby฀their฀ resourcefulness฀is฀reduced

•฀ likely฀to฀feel฀conditionally฀loved

•฀ likely฀to฀build฀a฀self-belief฀that฀they฀are฀not฀trustworthy฀or฀capable

•฀ experiencing฀an฀increased฀level฀of฀anxiety

•฀ uncomfortable฀or฀unsure฀in฀their฀independent฀behaviour

•฀ likely฀to฀believe฀that฀the฀smaller฀must฀respect฀the฀bigger,฀but฀not฀necessarily฀฀ the฀other฀way฀around

•฀ frustrated฀in฀striving฀for฀independence฀if฀they฀are฀over-supervised

•฀ rebellious฀and฀ultimately฀contemptuous฀of฀authority฀they฀experience฀฀ as฀harsh฀and฀unfair.

Permissive

This฀style฀is฀characterised฀by฀a฀lack฀of฀boundaries฀and฀limits.฀Permissive฀parents฀often฀ avoid฀conflict฀at฀all฀costs฀and฀will฀back฀down฀if฀it฀looks฀like฀the฀child฀is฀getting฀upset.฀ These฀parents฀prefer฀to฀rescue฀their฀children฀and฀do฀the฀thinking฀for฀them,฀hoping฀ that฀it฀will฀improve฀the฀relationship.฀This฀style฀often฀results฀in฀children฀feeling฀insecure฀ and฀abandoned.

Parents฀may฀find฀themselves฀parenting฀this฀way฀just฀because฀they฀were฀parented฀ with฀the฀authoritarian฀style฀and฀wish฀to฀do฀it฀differently.฀They฀want฀to฀avoid฀the฀ shouting฀and฀the฀aggressive฀atmosphere฀they฀knew,฀and฀they฀love฀their฀kids฀and฀ want฀them฀to฀be฀happy.฀

Permissive฀parents฀are฀trying฀hard฀to฀show฀respect฀for฀their฀children฀–฀but฀it฀seems฀ that฀the฀children฀have฀the฀option฀as฀to฀whether฀or฀not฀they฀will฀return฀the฀respect.฀ Parents฀often฀give฀in฀to฀their฀kids’฀demands,฀just฀to฀keep฀the฀peace.฀

Other฀names฀for฀this฀style฀are฀“jellyfish”฀or฀“helicopter”฀parents.

The฀downside฀of฀the฀permissive฀style฀is฀that฀children฀may฀be:

•฀฀ limited฀in฀their฀learning฀about฀tolerating฀frustration

•฀฀ insecure฀and฀overly฀dependent

•฀฀ slower฀to฀develop฀their฀problem฀solving฀ability฀and฀persistence

•฀ hampered฀in฀their฀decision฀making฀progress

•฀฀ obstructed฀in฀their฀learning฀about฀their฀influence฀on฀the฀behaviour฀of฀others

•฀ slowed฀in฀their฀progress฀of฀learning฀to฀respect฀the฀rights฀of฀others

•฀฀ deprived฀of฀the฀satisfaction฀of฀achieving฀by฀themselves,฀if฀parents฀step฀฀ in฀and฀give฀their฀children฀everything฀they฀want

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Authoritative

This฀style฀is฀characterised฀by฀firm฀setting฀and฀sticking฀to฀limits,฀but฀authoritative฀ parents฀are฀able฀to฀allow฀children฀more฀freedom฀in฀their฀behaviour฀while฀still฀setting฀ clear฀standards฀of฀behaviour.฀Authoritative฀parents฀and฀caregivers฀will฀use฀reason฀and฀ will฀listen฀to฀the฀views฀of฀children;฀they฀are฀sensitive฀to฀children’s฀needs฀and฀views;฀ they฀use฀praise฀and฀are฀clear฀in฀their฀expectations฀of฀children.

This฀style฀of฀parent฀is฀also฀called฀a฀“parent฀coach”฀or฀“backbone฀parent”.฀Children฀฀ of฀authoritative฀parents฀tend฀to฀be฀secure,฀responsible,฀self-disciplined,฀and฀function฀ with฀a฀healthy฀self-esteem.฀

Parents฀using฀this฀style฀are฀guided฀by฀mutual฀respect.฀If฀respect฀is฀flowing฀in฀both฀ directions฀then฀there฀are฀never฀unhelpful฀or฀unhealthy฀side฀effects.

Is฀there฀a฀downside฀to฀authoritative฀parenting?

The฀good฀news฀is฀that฀the฀research฀shows฀that฀this฀set฀of฀tools฀produces฀฀ children฀who:

•฀฀ are฀self฀motivated

•฀฀ have฀developed฀internal฀discipline

•฀฀ can฀communicate฀their฀wants฀and฀needs฀clearly

•฀฀ have฀good฀self฀esteem

•฀฀ know฀what฀they฀want฀and฀how฀to฀get฀it

Find the best fit

Obviously฀it฀is฀too฀simplistic฀to฀think฀that฀we฀only฀fit฀into฀one฀style.฀Many฀parents฀ will฀operate฀in฀more฀than฀one฀style฀depending฀on฀other฀factors฀like฀fatigue,฀the฀ amount฀of฀support฀they฀are฀getting฀and฀the฀level฀of฀stress฀they฀are฀experiencing.฀ However,฀parents฀and฀caregivers,฀with฀a฀little฀assistance,฀readily฀identify฀the฀best฀fit:฀ the฀patterns฀of฀behaviour฀they฀naturally฀lean฀towards฀and฀can฀then฀make฀progress฀ towards฀a฀style฀that฀has฀better฀outcomes฀for฀their฀children.฀

Using฀the฀road฀map฀analogy฀again,฀we฀find฀ourselves฀at฀different฀places฀on฀the฀map,฀ in฀different฀vehicles,฀going฀at฀different฀speeds.฀This฀makes฀it฀impossible฀to฀give฀ prescriptive฀“one-size-fits-all”฀parenting฀advice.฀

If฀a฀parent฀finds฀themselves฀backing฀down฀and฀fearful฀of฀rejection฀from฀their฀children,฀ it฀can฀help฀if฀they฀see฀how฀children฀thrive฀on฀knowing฀there฀are฀appropriate฀ boundaries฀that฀will฀be฀consistently฀upheld.

Barbara฀Coloroso฀has฀defined฀these฀ parenting฀styles฀extensively฀in฀her฀book฀ Kids฀are฀Worth฀it.

Working with parents and caregivers

•฀ Support฀parents฀to฀identify฀their฀parenting฀style.

•฀ Stress฀that฀no฀style฀is฀bad฀but฀the฀authoritative฀or฀democratic฀style.฀฀ has฀been฀shown฀to฀be฀the฀most฀effective.

•฀ Stress฀that฀we฀all฀use฀a฀mixture฀of฀styles฀and฀that฀is฀fine.

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STAGE FOUR:

Taking Action

Parents฀and฀caregivers฀function฀better฀when฀they฀have฀a฀clear฀idea฀of฀what฀฀ to฀do฀to฀achieve฀their฀aims.฀Here฀is฀a฀job฀description฀for฀authoritative฀parenting.฀

Authoritative฀parents฀and฀caregivers฀show฀the฀following฀skills฀and฀abilities:

•฀ Parents฀guide฀children.฀They฀show฀children฀how฀to฀do฀things฀and฀if฀a฀child฀gets฀฀ it฀wrong,฀they฀are฀happy฀to฀show฀them฀again.

•฀ Parents฀are฀role฀models.฀Children฀take฀more฀note฀of฀what฀we฀do฀than฀what฀฀ we฀say.฀An฀instruction฀like,฀“Talk฀to฀your฀brother฀nicely”,฀will฀be฀evaluated฀against฀ how฀we฀talk฀to฀them.฀

•฀ Parents฀encourage฀their฀children.฀When฀a฀task฀is฀hard฀for฀a฀child,฀they฀use฀ encouraging฀words฀like฀“You฀have฀made฀a฀good฀start.฀Well฀done.”

•฀ Parents฀inspire฀their฀children.฀“You฀can฀do฀it!”฀“You’ve฀got฀what฀it฀takes.”฀฀ This฀helps฀children฀feel฀capable.

฀•฀ Parents฀love฀unconditionally.฀They฀love฀their฀children฀for฀who฀they฀are,฀not฀for฀ what฀they฀want฀them฀to฀be.฀If฀their฀child฀doesn’t฀do฀something฀well,฀they฀are฀not฀ shamed฀or฀blamed฀for฀it.

•฀ Parents฀have฀fun฀with฀their฀children.฀They฀know฀fun฀is฀the฀secret฀ingredient฀฀ in฀families฀who฀enjoy฀each฀other.฀They฀have฀time฀to฀get฀down฀on฀the฀floor฀with฀ them,฀go฀to฀the฀park฀with฀them฀and฀read฀stories฀to฀them.

฀•฀ Parents฀know฀they฀get฀it฀wrong฀sometimes฀and฀can฀say฀sorry.฀This฀models฀ responsibility฀and฀empathy,฀and฀helps฀children฀learn฀to฀say฀sorry฀themselves.

If฀parents฀are฀helped฀to฀see฀that฀these฀qualities฀in฀a฀parent฀produce฀good฀outcomes฀ in฀children,฀they฀are฀more฀likely฀to฀consciously฀journey฀towards฀becoming฀more฀฀ of฀an฀authoritative฀parent฀–฀more฀of฀the฀time.

1฀ How฀can฀you฀use฀this฀job฀description฀with฀parents฀you฀work฀with?

2฀ What฀are฀examples฀of฀authoritative฀parenting฀that฀you฀can฀think฀of฀–฀฀ in฀your฀own฀parenting฀experience฀if฀you฀are฀a฀parent?฀In฀the฀parenting฀฀ of฀those฀you฀work฀with?฀Make฀a฀list฀so฀you฀become฀more฀aware฀of฀the฀ positive฀parenting฀that฀is฀happening฀even฀in฀quite฀negative฀environments.

3฀ In฀what฀ways฀is฀your฀work฀environment฀authoritative฀rather฀than฀ authoritarian฀or฀permissive?

Working with parents and caregivers

•฀฀ Acknowledge฀that฀parents฀may฀have฀unmet฀needs฀and฀that฀these฀will฀affect฀their฀ ability฀to฀meet฀their฀children’s฀needs.฀Caring฀for฀children฀often฀brings฀our฀unmet฀ needs฀to฀the฀surface฀and฀this฀can฀be฀a฀catalyst฀to฀getting฀help฀–฀it฀can฀be฀a฀great฀ opportunity฀for฀growth฀and฀healing.฀It฀would฀be฀more฀appropriate฀to฀suggest฀ that฀these฀be฀explored฀in฀another฀setting.

•฀฀ Encourage฀parents฀to฀identify฀one฀practice฀they฀want฀to฀change.฀Help฀them฀฀ to฀work฀out฀how฀they฀are฀going฀to฀change฀it฀and฀then฀set฀targets.฀For฀example,฀ they฀may฀want฀to฀stop฀yelling฀at฀their฀child.฀They฀will฀need฀to฀plan฀to฀try฀and฀ stop฀before฀they฀yell,฀take฀three฀breaths฀and฀work฀out฀a฀different฀response.฀ Work฀out฀typical฀situations฀and฀how฀they฀could฀respond฀differently.฀

•฀฀ Encourage฀parents฀to฀identify฀things฀they฀are฀doing฀well.฀They฀could฀record฀these฀ in฀a฀notebook,฀discuss฀them฀with฀a฀friend,฀or฀simply฀give฀themselves฀a฀positive฀ message:฀“Didn’t฀I฀handle฀that฀well!฀Now฀I฀know฀what฀to฀do฀next฀time.”฀Some฀ parents฀might฀like฀to฀give฀themselves฀stars฀every฀time฀they฀remember฀to฀praise฀ or฀encourage฀their฀child,฀where฀they฀explain฀the฀reason฀for฀a฀disciplinary฀action฀ or฀where฀they฀apologise฀to฀a฀child.฀When฀they฀collect฀20฀stars฀they฀could฀give฀ themselves฀a฀treat.

•฀฀ Encourage฀parents฀and฀caregivers฀to฀say฀more฀positive฀things฀than฀negative฀ things฀to฀their฀children฀each฀day.฀Try฀putting฀10฀coins฀in฀one฀pocket฀at฀the฀start฀฀ of฀the฀day฀and฀transferring฀one฀to฀an฀opposite฀pocket฀every฀time฀you฀say฀ something฀positive฀to฀a฀child.฀All฀coins฀need฀to฀be฀in฀the฀opposite฀pocket฀by฀฀ the฀end฀of฀the฀day.

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STAGE FIVE:

Maintaining Change

Parenting฀practices฀seldom฀change฀overnight.฀Most฀things฀take฀time฀and฀go฀back฀฀ and฀forward.฀We฀need฀to฀be฀practical฀about฀this฀and฀not฀try฀to฀make฀changes฀we฀ cannot฀maintain฀–฀or฀think฀we’ve฀failed฀because฀we฀didn’t฀manage฀to฀apply฀our฀฀ new฀plan฀immediately.

Change takes time

Let฀parents฀know฀that฀change฀takes฀time.฀It฀usually฀takes฀a฀series฀of฀steps.

First,฀parents฀and฀caregivers฀need฀to: •฀ decide฀on฀a฀change

•฀ practise •฀ assess฀effects.

Next,฀encourage฀parents฀and฀caregivers฀to:

•฀ reflect฀on฀the฀changed฀practice฀or฀a฀failure฀to฀change฀the฀practice •฀ make฀further฀attempts

•฀ see฀the฀big฀picture฀and฀not฀be฀distracted฀or฀put฀off฀by฀small฀failures.

Ensure฀that฀parents฀have฀the฀support฀to฀be฀successful฀in฀their฀attempts฀to฀change.฀ Check฀there฀are฀adequate฀support฀systems฀in฀place,฀adequate฀knowledge฀of฀ alternative฀ways฀of฀doing฀something,฀and฀a฀realistic฀picture฀of฀how฀much฀time฀and฀ effort฀will฀be฀required.฀Help฀them฀to฀work฀out฀ways฀to฀overcome฀any฀resistance฀฀ or฀opposition฀to฀change฀they฀may฀have฀from฀other฀adults฀in฀the฀family.

Learning is a cyclical process

Simply฀understanding฀that฀there฀is฀a฀progression฀is฀very฀helpful฀to฀parents.฀Though฀ the฀length฀of฀time฀to฀achieve฀real฀change฀may฀seem฀daunting,฀understanding฀the฀ reality฀of฀the฀process฀prevents฀disappointment฀when฀results฀are฀not฀instantaneous.฀

New฀ideas,฀new฀ways฀of฀talking฀to฀our฀children,฀and฀a฀new฀focus฀on฀supporting฀ children฀rather฀than฀punishing฀them฀can฀all฀meet฀with฀resistance,฀not฀only฀from฀the฀ parent฀but฀also฀from฀members฀of฀the฀close฀and฀wider฀family.฀The฀new฀ideas฀may฀ conflict฀with฀cultural฀standards฀and฀society฀in฀general.฀This฀resistance฀to฀change฀ usually฀subsides฀in฀the฀face฀of฀the฀undeniable฀benefits.

However,฀making฀changes฀in฀parenting฀practices฀takes฀time฀and฀effort.฀฀ You฀need฀to฀be฀aware฀of:

•฀ the฀range฀of฀parenting฀contexts฀and฀experiences฀that฀exist

•฀ the฀likely฀difficulties฀of฀effecting฀change฀in฀these฀contexts

•฀ the฀time฀and฀energy฀to฀implement฀positive฀parenting฀strategies

•฀ the฀stress฀that฀making฀changes฀can฀bring

•฀ the฀time฀parents฀and฀caregivers฀will฀need฀to฀absorb฀and฀integrate฀positive฀ parenting฀practices฀into฀their฀lives.

Parents฀wanting฀to฀make฀changes฀will฀benefit฀from฀being฀aware฀of฀these฀factors.

1฀ A฀parent฀wants฀to฀find฀a฀way฀of฀managing฀a฀two-year-old’s฀tantrums.฀฀ Think฀about฀the฀difficulties฀a฀parent฀may฀face฀in฀changing฀their฀reactions฀฀ to฀a฀child’s฀tantrums.฀Consider฀the฀environment,฀the฀reactions฀of฀the฀child,฀ the฀pressures฀the฀parent฀may฀be฀under฀and฀the฀possibility฀of฀failures.

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Empathy and understanding

For฀all฀those฀working฀with฀parents฀to฀support฀and฀strengthen฀their฀role,฀฀ it฀is฀important฀to฀acknowledge฀the฀challenges฀and฀complexities฀of฀parenting.฀฀ An฀understanding,฀non-judgemental฀and฀empathetic฀approach฀is฀vital฀to฀secure฀฀ trust฀and฀to฀help฀a฀parent฀make฀change.฀The฀research฀describes฀the฀state฀of฀฀ “self฀efficacy”฀that฀is฀essential฀to฀progress:฀

“Self฀efficacy฀is฀about฀parents฀and฀caregivers฀having฀the฀confidence฀and฀belief฀฀ that฀they฀can฀successfully฀undertake฀desired฀actions฀and฀behaviour.฀Self฀efficacy฀฀ may฀be฀enhanced฀through฀persuasion,฀modelling฀and฀successfully฀experiencing฀฀ new฀behaviours.

Strategies฀that฀will฀build฀self฀efficacy฀include:฀

•฀ working฀from฀existing฀strengths/competencies

•฀ using฀persuasion฀and฀encouragement

•฀ using฀role฀models

•฀ encouraging฀observational฀learning

•฀ giving฀high฀levels฀of฀feedback฀and฀acknowledging฀changes฀achieved

•฀ working฀at฀establishing฀the฀desired฀behaviour฀as฀the฀accepted฀social฀norm.”

Adapted฀from฀Gravitas

Identifying parents’ strengths

Parents฀need฀to฀know฀what฀they฀are฀doing฀well฀and฀this฀should฀be฀acknowledged฀฀ so฀that฀they฀are฀able฀to฀believe฀in฀themselves฀as฀their฀child’s฀first฀and฀most฀ important฀teacher.

Support฀systems฀can฀help฀transition฀parents฀through฀these฀phases฀in฀order฀for฀ change฀to฀become฀lasting฀and฀effective.

One฀tactic฀is฀to฀suggest฀to฀parents฀they฀make฀themselves฀a฀variety฀of฀cards฀that฀ identify฀their฀current฀strengths฀and฀give฀them฀options฀for฀new฀areas฀that฀they฀฀ would฀like฀to฀incorporate฀into฀their฀family.฀

These฀cards฀could฀be฀called฀“Our฀Family’s฀Strengths”฀or฀“Characteristics฀฀ of฀Strong฀Families”.฀Examples฀are฀listed฀below:

•฀ We฀celebrate฀each฀other’s฀successes.

•฀ Home฀is฀a฀safe฀place.

•฀ We฀accept฀that฀each฀person฀is฀different.

•฀ We฀play฀together.

•฀ We฀eat฀our฀meals฀together.

•฀ We฀have฀fun฀in฀this฀family.

•฀ We฀speak฀to฀each฀respectfully.

•฀ We฀communicate฀our฀love฀to฀each฀other.

•฀ We฀can฀say฀sorry.

•฀ We฀take฀care฀of฀our฀bodies.

•฀ We฀keep฀trying฀even฀when฀it฀is฀hard.

•฀ We฀give฀each฀other฀hugs.

•฀ We฀support฀each฀other฀in฀the฀good฀and฀the฀bad฀times.

•฀ We฀speak฀positively฀to฀each฀other.

•฀ We฀share฀our฀problems. Rather฀than฀presenting฀‘don’t฀do’฀

messages,฀…฀[add]฀to฀the฀existing฀skills,฀ knowledge฀and฀appropriate฀practices฀ already฀undertaken฀by฀parents.

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These฀cards฀could฀also฀be฀used฀to฀help฀parents฀explore฀their฀past฀and฀their฀plans฀฀ for฀the฀future.฀The฀following฀questions฀could฀be฀asked฀individually฀or฀in฀group฀sessions.

•฀ Which฀cards฀most฀represent฀what฀you฀experienced฀as฀a฀child?

•฀ Which฀cards฀express฀your฀family฀now?

•฀ Which฀cards฀would฀you฀like฀to฀express฀your฀family฀in฀the฀next฀year?

•฀ Are฀there฀times฀when฀your฀family฀faces฀strife?฀Which฀strengths฀are฀most฀฀ useful฀then?

•฀ Which฀cards฀would฀you฀like฀to฀learn฀more฀about?

•฀ Is฀there฀a฀card฀that฀reminds฀you฀of฀something฀that฀happened฀in฀your฀family?

Support and Encouragement

Simply฀providing฀information฀about฀ alternatives฀without฀attending฀to฀฀ the฀wider฀factors฀likely฀to฀support฀ successful฀implementation฀(e.g.฀skill฀ enhancement,฀creating฀a฀supportive฀฀ social฀environment,฀reducing฀parental฀ stressors)฀will฀be฀unlikely฀to฀lead฀to฀ significant฀and฀lasting฀behaviour฀change.

Gravitas

Everyone฀needs฀support฀and฀encouragement฀when฀making฀changes.฀Anyone฀ working฀with฀parents฀who฀are฀making฀changes฀needs฀to฀watch฀carefully฀for฀any฀฀ sign฀of฀change฀and฀encourage฀parents฀to฀do฀the฀same.

Using other discipline methods

Because฀of฀the฀huge฀variety฀of฀personalities,฀family฀dynamics฀and฀scenarios฀it฀is฀important฀ to฀offer฀parents฀a฀range฀of฀solutions฀that฀can฀be฀used฀in฀a฀variety฀of฀whänau,฀families฀ and฀situations.฀With฀a฀“smorgasbord”฀of฀strategies฀available,฀whänau,฀parents฀and฀ caregivers฀can฀choose฀a฀technique฀which฀suits฀the฀temperament฀of฀children,฀the฀ culture฀of฀their฀whänau฀or฀family฀and฀the฀style฀in฀which฀the฀parent฀or฀caregiver฀฀ is฀keen฀to฀function.

Key฀providers฀and฀parents฀should฀know฀some฀of฀the฀proven,฀effective฀strategies฀฀ such฀as฀Time฀Out฀or฀The฀Thinking฀Chair.฀Note฀that฀these฀and฀other฀strategies฀need฀฀ to฀be฀used฀very฀carefully:฀it’s฀easy฀for฀a฀stressed฀parent฀or฀caregiver฀to฀overdo฀฀ a฀strategy฀(for฀example,฀using฀time฀out฀too฀often฀or฀for฀too฀long)฀and฀lose฀any฀ benefits฀it฀may฀have฀had.

When฀parents฀say฀that฀they฀have฀tried฀a฀particular฀strategy฀and฀that฀it฀has฀not฀ worked,฀what฀has฀often฀happened฀is฀that฀they฀have฀lacked฀the฀support฀or฀the฀ stamina฀they฀needed฀to฀be฀consistent,฀or฀they฀have฀not฀fully฀understood฀how฀to฀use฀ that฀particular฀strategy.฀These฀parents฀can฀be฀greatly฀helped฀to฀use฀a฀strategy฀more฀ effectively฀by฀learning฀in฀a฀group฀situation,฀or฀one฀on฀one,฀where฀support฀to฀try฀new฀ techniques฀is฀given฀and฀the฀outcomes฀are฀subsequently฀shared฀and฀reflected฀on.

Working with parents and caregivers

Introduce the idea that everyone needs to become aware

of parenting possibilities

Many฀parents฀find฀it฀difficult฀to฀acknowledge฀that฀all฀is฀not฀well฀within฀their฀family.฀ Many฀have฀the฀notion฀that฀everyone฀should฀innately฀possess฀all฀the฀parenting฀skills฀ they฀need฀and฀believe฀there฀is฀a฀stigma฀associated฀with฀asking฀for฀help.฀It฀is฀very฀ encouraging฀for฀these฀people฀to฀learn฀that฀parenting฀is฀a฀challenge฀for฀all฀parents,฀ and฀every฀parent฀grapples฀with฀a฀sense฀of฀inadequacy฀at฀times.฀

Parents฀are฀likely฀to฀let฀go฀of฀a฀belief฀or฀ way฀of฀doing฀something฀only฀when฀they฀ are฀convinced฀they฀have฀a฀better฀alternative.

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Offer options for support

Encourage฀parents฀to฀seek฀help,฀get฀good฀resources,฀go฀to฀courses,฀talk฀to฀friends฀ and฀generally฀bring฀parenting฀out฀into฀the฀arena฀where฀it฀is฀more฀widely฀accepted฀ that฀all฀parents฀need฀encouragement,฀upskilling,฀ongoing฀follow-up฀and฀support.฀

Other฀sources฀of฀support฀are฀mentors,฀whänau,฀churches,฀family฀and฀social฀networks,฀ role฀models฀from฀television,฀ideas฀from฀books฀and฀magazines฀as฀well฀as฀courses฀that฀ parents฀can฀attend.฀

Support the valuing of parenting

The฀role฀of฀a฀parent฀is฀a฀valuable฀and฀challenging฀one.฀It฀deserves฀focus,฀time฀and฀ energy.฀As฀we฀are฀able฀to฀lift฀the฀profile฀of฀the฀incredibly฀important฀role฀parents฀play,฀ we฀help฀to฀shift฀parents’฀and฀societies’฀concept฀of฀this฀vital฀role.

Connect parents

Parenting฀in฀isolation฀is฀very฀hard฀work.฀When฀parents฀formally฀or฀informally฀฀ get฀together,฀they฀are฀able฀to฀discuss฀the฀challenges฀and฀issues฀they฀face.฀This฀is฀ enormously฀helpful฀in฀allowing฀parents฀to฀see฀that฀other฀parents฀face฀difficulties฀฀ as฀well.฀It฀also฀helps฀parents฀problem฀solve฀and฀share฀strategies฀that฀have฀worked฀฀ for฀them.

Suggest opportunities through early childhood education

Attending฀an฀early฀childhood฀learning฀environment฀can฀offer฀significant฀support฀to฀a฀ parent.฀As฀one฀mother฀says,฀“I฀found฀Playcentre฀just฀became฀so฀important฀to฀me฀–฀ learning฀how฀to฀deal฀with฀things฀in฀a฀different฀way.”

Identify parent resources

Making฀available฀a฀range฀of฀parenting฀resources฀can฀give฀parents฀information฀that฀ supports฀and฀strengthens฀them,฀and฀can฀even฀give฀them฀specialist฀advice฀for฀difficult฀ problems฀that฀might฀not฀be฀available฀from฀their฀normal฀networks.฀

Parents฀can฀feel฀reluctant฀to฀seek฀parenting฀ assistance฀so฀it฀will฀be฀important฀that฀any฀ stigma฀attached฀to฀doing฀this฀is฀reduced.฀ Reluctance฀to฀seek฀support฀may฀in฀part฀ reflect฀the฀extent฀to฀which฀society฀assumes฀ parents฀have฀sufficient฀parenting฀skills฀ and฀the฀extent฀to฀which฀parenting฀can฀฀ be฀an฀‘unconscious’฀activity.

Identify parenting courses

Parenting฀courses฀assist฀parents฀in฀a฀number฀of฀ways.฀They฀offer฀opportunities฀for฀ parents฀to฀form฀relationships฀and฀connections฀with฀others.฀Courses฀also฀฀ give฀a฀platform฀for฀discussions฀that฀many฀parents฀find฀invaluable฀for฀gaining฀new฀ insights฀into฀their฀own฀parenting.

One฀parent฀reported฀on฀the฀six฀week฀course฀she฀attended:

฀ I฀believe฀this฀course฀is฀especially฀useful฀for฀empowering฀adults฀without฀disempowering฀ children฀by฀encouraging฀healthy,฀fun฀relationships฀within฀families฀so฀the฀need฀to฀ misbehave฀disappears.฀It฀also฀provides฀various฀practical฀strategies฀that฀may฀be฀ employed฀in฀difficult฀situations.฀The฀course฀will฀have฀positive฀effects฀wherever฀its฀ principles฀are฀taken฀on฀board.

฀ Courses฀also฀offer฀an฀understanding฀of฀developmental฀stages฀in฀children,฀what฀needs฀ children฀have฀and฀how฀they฀can฀be฀met,฀how฀to฀discipline฀effectively฀and฀with฀dignity฀ and฀how฀to฀create฀a฀childhood฀of฀good฀memories.

Different฀parenting฀courses฀are฀available฀ in฀different฀areas.฀Examples฀are฀Toolbox฀ Parenting฀Groups,฀new฀mothers฀support฀ groups,฀Barnardos฀and฀Parent฀Centre฀ courses฀and฀Playcentre.

There฀are฀specific฀courses฀for฀parents฀in฀need฀of฀help฀with฀anger฀management,฀lone฀ parenting฀etc.฀As฀well฀as฀interactive฀small฀group฀courses,฀larger฀seminars฀such฀as฀Parents฀ Inc.฀Hot฀Tips฀seminars฀can฀give฀parents฀a฀wide฀range฀of฀new฀ideas฀and฀encouragement.฀ Some฀men฀especially฀would฀be฀unlikely฀to฀seek฀one-on-one฀help฀or฀attend฀a฀‘touchy฀ feely’฀small฀group฀course฀but฀can฀cope฀with฀the฀anonymity฀of฀being฀in฀a฀‘crowd’.฀ Large฀seminars฀can฀often฀be฀the฀first฀step฀to฀change,฀by฀making฀parents฀aware฀that฀ there฀are฀other฀options฀and฀that฀change฀is฀possible.

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A Final Word…

Conscious฀parenting฀is฀about฀making฀thoughtful฀and฀intentional฀decisions฀on฀what฀ outcomes฀we฀want฀for฀children฀and฀we฀can฀do฀to฀support฀them฀to฀achieve฀these฀ outcomes.฀It฀is฀about฀the฀atmosphere฀and฀feeling฀we฀want฀to฀create.฀

Conscious฀parenting฀is฀about฀choosing฀what฀we฀do฀and฀don’t฀want฀to฀do฀and฀what฀ we฀will฀do฀instead.฀It฀is฀having฀an฀awareness฀of฀our฀family฀of฀origin฀and฀the฀imprint฀ that฀it฀has฀had฀on฀us.฀Then฀it฀is฀about฀creating฀a฀new฀imprint฀that฀is฀unique฀to฀our฀ family,฀our฀culture฀and฀what฀we฀want฀for฀our฀family.฀It฀uses฀the฀positives฀from฀the฀ past,฀it’s฀free฀from฀the฀negative฀things฀that฀have฀not฀worked฀in฀the฀past฀and฀it’s฀฀ full฀of฀ideas,฀ideals,฀choices฀and฀practical฀solutions฀that฀are฀positive,฀empowering฀฀ and฀achievable!

There฀are฀some฀key฀questions฀that฀will฀empower฀parents฀and฀caregivers฀on฀this฀ journey.

•฀ What฀do฀you฀remember฀about฀your฀own฀childhood?

•฀ What฀do฀you฀intend฀to฀repeat฀or฀delete฀from฀your฀family฀of฀origin?

•฀ What฀experiences฀do฀you฀want฀your฀children฀to฀have?

•฀ What฀do฀you฀want฀your฀children฀to฀say฀about฀you฀when฀they฀grow฀฀ up฀and฀leave฀home?

•฀ Who฀are฀your฀role฀models?

•฀ Who฀are฀the฀role฀models฀of฀your฀children?

•฀ What฀kind฀of฀parent฀do฀you฀want฀to฀be?

•฀ What฀can฀you฀use฀to฀help฀you฀progress฀towards฀your฀goals?

Contacts

SKIP฀has฀a฀range฀of฀pamphlets฀for฀ parents฀and฀resources฀for฀trainers.฀฀ For฀more฀information฀email฀ skipinfo@msd.govt.nz

Resources

•฀ SKIP฀resources฀–฀for฀example,฀SKIP฀pamphlets,฀badges฀and฀fridge฀magnets. •฀ Parenting฀magazines฀e.g.฀Parents฀Inc,฀Treasures.

•฀ ‘Kids฀are฀worth฀it’฀by฀Barbara฀Coloroso.

•฀ ‘Of฀course฀I฀love฀you,฀NOW฀GO฀TO฀YOUR฀ROOM!’฀by฀Diane฀Levy. •฀ ‘Toddler฀Taming’฀by฀Dr฀Christopher฀Green.

Different฀parenting฀courses฀are฀available฀in฀different฀areas.฀Examples฀are฀Toolbox฀ Parenting฀Groups,฀New฀Mothers฀Support฀Groups,฀Barnardos฀and฀Parent฀Centre฀฀ courses฀and฀Playcentre.

References

The฀Discipline฀and฀Guidance฀of฀Children:฀A฀Summary฀1฀Research,฀Children’s฀Issues฀ Centre,฀University฀of฀Otago฀and฀the฀Office฀of฀the฀Children’s฀Commissioner.

SKIP฀Research฀Report,฀Gravitas฀Research฀and฀Strategy฀and฀Ministry฀of฀Social฀ Development.

Kids฀Are฀Worth฀It,฀Barbara฀Coloroso,฀Somerville฀House.

STAGE TWO: Contemplation

The฀second฀step฀towards฀conscious฀parenting฀is฀contemplation฀–฀taking฀time฀฀ to฀think฀about฀your฀own฀parenting฀experiences฀and฀how฀you฀care฀for฀children.฀ Another฀name฀for฀this฀stage฀is฀the฀‘thinking’฀stage.

Usually฀this฀stage฀begins฀with฀a฀trigger฀–฀watching฀a฀TV฀news฀item฀on฀child฀abuse,฀ overhearing฀a฀discussion฀about฀parenting,฀or฀becoming฀concerned฀about฀your฀ behaviour฀or฀a฀child’s฀behaviour.฀The฀trigger฀creates฀an฀opportunity฀for฀us฀to฀think฀ about฀why฀we฀parent฀the฀way฀we฀do.฀ ฀ ฀

One’s own parents

We฀can฀assist฀parents฀and฀caregivers฀in฀the฀caring฀journey฀by฀asking฀questions฀about฀ their฀own฀families฀of฀origin.฀We฀can฀help฀parents฀identify฀and฀categorise฀what฀they฀ did฀and฀didn’t฀like฀and฀why.฀

1฀ ‘What฀did฀you฀appreciate฀about฀what฀your฀parents฀did฀for฀you?’

2฀ ‘What฀memories฀do฀you฀have฀from฀your฀family?’

3฀ ‘What฀are฀some฀of฀the฀good฀things฀that฀you฀would฀like฀to฀repeat฀in฀your฀family?’

4฀ ‘What฀are฀the฀aspects฀of฀your฀childhood฀that฀you฀don’t฀want฀to฀see฀repeated?’

It฀is฀the฀feelings฀that฀parents฀are฀left฀with฀that฀alert฀them฀to฀whether฀they฀want฀฀ to฀follow฀suit฀or฀adopt฀a฀different฀way.฀

For฀some,฀this฀will฀raise฀difficult฀memories,฀but฀they฀can฀be฀used฀positively฀as฀they฀ plan฀for฀the฀future.฀Making฀sense฀of฀our฀own฀childhoods฀is฀vital฀in฀the฀parenting฀ journey.฀It฀is฀in฀that฀process฀that฀parenting฀becomes฀more฀conscious.฀

The experiences of your parents

Some฀parents฀have฀found฀it฀helpful฀to฀spend฀time฀with฀their฀own฀parents฀talking฀ about฀what฀it฀was฀like฀for฀them฀when฀they฀were฀growing฀up฀in฀an฀earlier฀generation.฀ This฀offers฀the฀opportunity฀to฀see฀what฀our฀parents฀faced,฀the฀difficulties฀and฀ challenges฀they฀had฀which฀in฀turn฀makes฀it฀easier฀for฀us฀to฀understand฀why฀our฀ parents฀functioned฀the฀way฀they฀did.

1฀ Did฀they฀feel฀listened฀to?

2฀ What฀was฀the฀atmosphere฀in฀their฀family฀like?

3฀ How฀were฀they฀disciplined?

4฀ When฀they฀were฀disciplined,฀did฀they฀understand฀the฀reasons?

5฀ When฀they฀were฀disciplined,฀did฀they฀feel฀their฀dignity฀was฀still฀intact?

6฀ What฀freedoms฀and฀responsibilities฀did฀they฀have?

7฀ What฀did฀they฀do฀for฀fun฀in฀the฀family?

8฀ Were฀there฀any฀special฀traditions฀or฀celebrations?