A Result of Review 18th October 2012

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A Result of Review

18th October 2012

HOMETOWN

Bogor. It’s different with Bandung. People used to call it the Rain City because it

was rainy every single time, even everybody always carrying umbrella when they got out. When I had stayed in Bandung, each time I went back to Bogor, it

feels like hell because the temperature is hotter than Bandung. Even though the rain comes, it stills hot. On the contrary, when the rain comes in Bandung, the temperature is getting colder than it isn’t. However, I don’t think Bandung is

better than Bogor because back in my town I can get along with my friends and families.

Adhi Prabowo 63711005

Terms of Grading

Organization and Content 1.Topic Sentene: is there a clear

topic sentence? Does it have a controlling idea?

Actually, the topic has already stated and it can be considered a good one “comparison: the difference between Bogor’s and Bandung temperature. However you do not have controlling idea that can guide you to developing idea. An example of controlling idea for this paragraph is: It is different from Bandung in temperature.

2. Supporting Sentence: is the main idea clear? Does the writer need to add more details to explain it?

Supporting sentences are written to develop the idea. However, there is missed perception because of

inappropriate tenses. Different tenses have different intentions.

3. Concluding Sentence: is there a concluding sentence? Does it begin with an appropriate

end-of-paragraph signal?

There is concluding sentence

“However, I don’t like...” but it seems that it leads you in the middle of nowhere. You are talking about temperature but then you are talking about your feeling. Something missing here.

Sentence Structure 4.Are there any unclear sentences?

Can you suggest a way to improve them?

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Grammar and Mechanics 5. Are there any errors in grammar and

mechanics (spelling, punctuation, and capitalization)

See comments

HOMETOWN

Makassar is the place to be with family and almost every month in my house is very crowded situation, as far relatives come to meet, so I can get together and share with them, they look very happy because the days are beautiful as always awaited moment, my hometown feels like heaven to us, because a lot of

happiness that can be seen there, but now I can not feel the situation again. Because I was away from home, but I always remember my homeland, because since I was little I could feel the happiness was very much with them, and when I grow up I understand that there is nothing beautiful than beautiful when it is there.

“I’m sorry mom I send the task very late”

Terms of Grading

Organization and Content 1.Topic Sentene: is there a clear

Unclear topic and controlling idea. You had better to make it one. Actually your ideas are brilliant. There are a lot of ideas that you can improve from your paragraph.

Moving without controlling.

There is no concluding sentence.

Please see comments

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My hometown

My hometown is Medan, a metropolis and capitol of North Sumatra. The people that lived there came from many races such as Batak, Jawa, Nias, Melayu, Padang, Chinese and India. The mixing of all this races create a unique languange of Medan itself. One of the unique word in Medan is the word “kereta” to say motorcycle where people from other place such as Java use “motor” for motor cycle and “kereta” for kereta api. So when people from Java came to Medan and he or her friend and relative use the word “kereta” they think that it means kereta api but that’s not it . I love my hometown .

Terms of Grading

Organization and Content 1. Topic Sentene: is there a clear

Actually, may I know what is the urgency of a metropolis and capitol of North Sumatra in your paragraph? What is your controll idea anyway? 2. Supporting Sentence: is the main

idea clear? Does the writer need to add more details to explain it?

Since there is unclear main idea, the supporting sentences seem unclear too

There is a concluding sentence but it doesn’t match with the rest of

paragraph.

See the comment

Grammar and Mechanics 5.Are there any errors in grammar and

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MY HOMETOWN

My hometown was a small village before it turned into a big modern city. There was a

large field in front of my grandparents’ house where I used to play football with my friends.

Now the field has gone. It has been replaced by highway where many vehicles are always

passing especially intercity large trucks that are transporting goods. We were not able to

breathe clean air anymore because the air has been contaminated by vehicles fumes. The

change is so fast. I can only feel the fun and wonderful days in my childhood till I was ten

years.

Terms of Grading

Clear topic and controlling idea, “the change”.

The main idea is clear and is supported with appropriate facts.

There is concluding sentence

eventhough end-of-paragraph signal exists. However it is not too important here since the controlling idea is mentioned again “the change “ Sentence Structure

4.Are there any unclear sentences? Can you suggest a way to improve them?

The improvement is only conducted in changing past tense into present tense “We are not able to breathe clean air anymore...”

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My Hometown

My hometown is Cimahi. It takes about one hours to go there if you use

highway. However, if you use public transportation it takes about two hours. Cimahi

is a big town, it is contain of several area, like North Cimahi, Center Cimahi and

South Cimahi. I live in North Cimahi, near a privillage called Lembang. Lembang has

a fresh and comfortable air. People who live in Lembang usually grow vegetables,

fruits, and rice field. Cimahi also has another area which is an industry area. Many

factory built in there, like a matches factory, medicine factory, and textile factory.

Cimahi is a rich town, but still there are a lot of homeless and poor people in there. I

don’t know how the government of Cimahi manage what they earn from taxes and

sources in Cimahi.

Terms of Grading

There is a topic sentence but unclear controlling idea. As a result, the idea is jumping in Lembang.

Some of them false in arguments

None

Unclear ideas in lembang

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HOMETOWN

Dili is a smaller hometown in East Timor that locate between two districts. Although

East Timor just independent for 10 years, but the structure of building is not developing

completely, the building is mostly branching out in Dili, that’s way Dili was a center of the

city. In spite of this, peoples in the village come to look for a job in order to surviving their

life and their basic necessities. However people in the village are moving to the city, and

cause densed in Dili. Now that, Dili become hot and dusty that acute-health effect.

Terms of Grading

Organization and Content 1. Topic Sentene: is there a clear topic

sentence? Does it have a controlling idea?

There is no clear topic sentence, so no wonder if you develop the idea

randomly. Basically your idea is a specific enough. This is a good

example of hometown. However, you need topic sentence including

controlling idea. For example: Dili, a small town that is located between two districts in East Timor, has not been developed as expected.

2. Supporting Sentence: is the main idea clear? Does the writer need to add more details to explain it?

The main idea is not clear enough. It needs to be mentioned explicitly to controll the supporting sentences. 3. Concluding Sentence: is there a

concluding sentence? Does it begin with an appropriate

Since there is no end-of-paragraph signal here, the concluding sentece is not marked.

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See comments

My Hometown

I was born in Bandung. Bandung is my beloved hometown and i thought that Bandung is interesting city for me and for many people who was visited Bandung.

I can do a lot of activities in Bandung. Studied , work , ate , searched for a new things and got a lot of kind friends. Although , Bandung was not like today but I still and always loved this city, because I was grown in Bandung and I wish I’m going to be old in Bandung also.

Organization and Content 1. Topic Sentene: is there a clear topic

sentence? Does it have a controlling idea?

There is no clear topic sentence and controlling idea.

2. Supporting Sentence: is the main idea clear? Does the writer need to add more details to explain it?

Supporting ideas do not support anything.

3. Concluding Sentence: is there a concluding sentence? Does it begin with an appropriate

Sentence Structure 4. Are there any unclear sentences?

See comments

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My Home Town

My home town is Cianjur city. It is a name of a city district in the province of West

Java, Indonesian. This city is district capital it.

It first foundered by Kanjeng Dalem Aria Wirata Nudatar in the legend Cianjur, it is

first Dalem (regent) and all at once as spreader of islam in it. Grave of the founder of it

currently often be visited by people from local or surrounding it. It cold air in the north and

temperate in the south. It has limitation area as bogor, ocean, Sukabumi, Bandung and Garut,

and Purwakarta. It has a place recreation which can be visited by people and many people

from Jakarta resident, such as Flower City/Garden Flower, Jangari, Cibodas Garden, and etc.

Besides that, it has the presidential palace which located in Cipanas area. It only

functioned to presidential formal event and also when there are presidential visitor. It also has

several district, as Cikadu,Sukaresmi,pagelaran, Cilaku, Warungkondang, Mande, Karang

Tengah, Pacet, Cikalong Kulon, Cidaun, Sindang Barang, Naringgul, Cibeber, Campaka,

Ciranjang, Bojongpicung, Sukanagara, dan Tanggeung.

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See comment on topic sentence.

See comments

MY HOMETOWN

My hometown is a place where I was born. My hometown is a beautiful place like a heaven. When I was child, I spent full of my time in that place. Played with my friends, laughed and laughed together, and spent all childless in my hometown. My hometown is a place that I can express my inspiration. It has a beautiful scenery with many of trees and the fresh air. That is the place where I can be a successful girl and that place also make my personality. I love my hometown much.

You have unclear topic and your controlling idea is not mentioned explicitly. As a result, you do not have a specific idea about your hometown. Indeed, you love your hometown, but what you love seems still vague. You also write unsupported statements (see comments) that may lead your reader to no where. I suggest you to make your controlling idea mention

appropriately to control your abundant ideas.

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You have concluding sentence,

eventhough without end-of-paragraph signal.

See comments

MY HOMETOWN

My hometown is so complicated. Every morning in my hometown there’s traffic jam and

every rainy season comes, it can be flood and in front of my house it so many garbage. It

makes me don’t want stay there. If you live in my hometown, you can feel as bad as I feel,

and I want to move out to the better place.

Terms of Grading

Your clear idea is “my hometown is so complicated” or “my hometown is a such complicated town”. The

controlling idea is complicated.

You need to add more details to explain the word “complicated”. Your supporting sentences are not enough to support the idea of complicated. Some cities have the problems of traffic jam, flood, and garbage, but the supported details are needed to

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You have concluding sentence,

eventhough without end-of-paragraph signal.

See comments

My Hometown

The first thing I always remember when I am away from home is

beloved hometown atmosphere. It is cool weather, beautiful scenery and

people mostly go to the garden every morning for planting.

Usually, when the holidays arrive most parents bring their children for a

vacation to the beach, which is not far from home. I think it is very

interesting but it's not the thing that amazed or surprised. Because every

holiday arrives, a vacation to the beach with the family has become a

regular activity performed in my hometown.

Terms of Grading

Your topic sentence is “I always remember my beloved hometown atmosphere”. Your controlling idea is “atmosphere”.

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hometown, 3. The daily activity of the people, and 4. The common activity on holiday. However, you should generate them more to present those ideas. I suggest you to keep your feeling about the common activity on holliday “I think ....but it is not the thing....” aside. You are talking about the atmosphere, not your feeling. To make your writing specific, you may choose a specific idea from four.

You do not have it.

See comments

MY HOMETOWN

My hometown named is Indramayu, the location of my hometown Indramayu that

stretches along the northern coast of Java Island makes the air temperature in the area is high,

the climate is about 28 ° to 18 ° Celsius. while the rainfall average throughout the year 2006

was 61.06 mm. The highest rainfall in the district of Kertasemaya approximately equal to 70

mm of rain was recorded by 2491 rainy days, while the lowest rainfall occurs in the District

Pasekan approximately equal to 55 mm of rain and was recorded by 683 rainy days. When

viewed from geographically, Indramayu is located at 107 ° 52 ° - 108 ° 36 ° East longitude

and 6 ° 15 ° - 6 ° 40 ° South latitude. While based on the topography is mostly a plateau or a

gently sloping area of land with an average slope of 0-2%. This situation affects the drainage,

when rainfall is high enough, then in certain areas will be a lot of puddles. Indramayu is

located on the north coast of Java island and has 10 districts with 35 villages directly adjacent

to the sea with a long coastline of 114.1 km.

Terms of Grading

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1. Topic Sentene: is there a clear topic sentence? Does it have a controlling idea?

The topic sentence is geograpical location of Indramayu. The word “geography” controls the idea of paragraph.

Given by giving facts

No concluding sentence

Using inappropriate conjunction “while” makes the sentence unclear

See the comments.

My hometown

My hometown have many civil with the different

religion,ethnic. My hometown is far from the crowed.It

has fresh air eventhogh the weather so hot,many trees

and also many large field.The job in my hometown are

farmer.

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The topic sentence is not mentioned clearly and your controlling idea is not mentioned too. You present different ideas. The first you mentioned different religious and ethnics, then situation then activity. You had better to have a controlling idea to control supporting sentences. So the idea can develop well.

You need to add more details to explain your ideas.

See the comments

See the comments.

My hometown

In my hometown, there’s my family’s old house that’s leaving by my family, and in my

hometown , there are my old friends too. In my hometown there’s a big river that’s flowing to

the rice field. When summer came, my himetown never get dryness and there’s always water,

and in my hometown there are many rice fields are very board.

Terms of Grading

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controlling idea? it, you are rumbling one idea to

another. You had better to have a topic sentence and controlling idea to

control supporting sentences. So the idea can develop well.

You need to add more details to explain your ideas.

See comments