And they are forced to just be quiet and just go with the flow and it's sad. I can kind of get it to work, it's just now getting it to work with... no help. The suffocating feeling sometimes, as lovely as this is...there is always someone on top of you..requests for needs must be met all the time..it's easy to.
With the whole pandemic going on, everything is at a standstill, which means you're at home with your twenty-four-seven-year-old kids, and it's like you don't take a break, it's just too much. I still haven't really taken them as my kids to the park or let them play with any of the neighborhood kids...I don't want my kids - my other kids - to get anything for it brought that they could bring home. the baby” (007, photo below). I guess I feel guilty that we like, we can't share it the way we want to, um, like human contact with human contact.”
I just feel like that kind of captures the fever of the cabin that we're in, you know, like you're desperate for interaction, but it's really like subliminal interaction and like, we're just so into it." (010). And then , you find out you're pregnant, and it's like okay, what's going to happen, like, you just don't know what's next, but going to therapy and doing the work on myself is like, you can't look that far forward." (064). I really believe that mental health is also very important in all of this and obviously COVID is also scary, but as for me ... it's worth a little risk to have some of the people of my closest, because like I need this, you know?” (044).
My hours were reduced due to work due to COVID... I didn't have set hours - so it wasn't like keeping the kids at home one day or sending them in because you always have to pay for your place at daycare.. ... and now the prices of our kindergartens are increasing.
SUPPORT: SELF-CARE & COPING
But when it all happened, it was like... kind of a similar grieving process for like, all [of] your favorite places are closed, you can't go anywhere, you can't see your family or friends or anything not and it was very isolating, but we were all isolated at the same time (laughs). And it was just like hundreds of women talking about it, so like I didn't feel alone. Um, and getting other people's ideas about how it was for them and tricks they did... so that was really helpful, I love that app. (016).
I feel like there's a lot of things that are really hard to do right now and it's hard to make time for... But before this, I felt like, okay, I'll take the time to do this, but it's not just for fun...I'm doing something for myself to help my baby...it's become something really fun that I can do for myself now.”. I tried to take a Christmas photo myself at home... get him in this outfit... oh just. There were two days in a row where I didn't leave the house and could just feel my mood.
SUPPORT: INTERPERSONAL
Um, sometimes when you just get into that head space where you just feel like what you're doing isn't enough for your child, it's nice to have a partner... just have a voice of reason, um, reassuring that you are doing well, as if the child is not starving, not injured, not neglected, not in any kind of trouble, that you are doing your job, you are doing your best and it is- and it is enough, you do enough, you are-you are enough.' (049). My husband is just very involved, and... I often think about it like I'm a single parent... and it feels like that would be impossible... On days when I feel super overwhelmed... I can do something like that like tap out and say like 'Hey, I need your help..'” (041, photo right). I'm... medical stuff is not my forte, so [the doctors] told me about all this stuff and it kind of went one ear over the other because I was just trying to wrap my head around it and it's like one time, one time, where I really wish my husband could come in because he understands all this stuff better and asks the right questions, while I'm like, I'm getting exhausted, I'm like oh my God, there's something wrong with her, like um.
They only want themselves, um, like for [my baby] for her appointment was one, a healthy parent and the patient. She ended up being admitted that Thursday from her appointment, so I had to call her dad that he was at work and be like, oh, you know, she was admitted for seizures and still remained calm and not anxious, you know, we need blood work, we need an MRI like the one that shows activity, this could go either way. He spends time with her and it's a danger… I mean, no, you can't come in here or not, you can't go to work for two.
But you know, even having her a phone call away, we FaceTime like every day, like even all morning, she'll be on FaceTime with us while we're playing and stuff, even if it's in the background, um, and you know , I think that for me to have my mother or, you know, and my sister, or my sister-in-law, who has - has children, I ask her advice all the time, like reaching out to people, I'm not shy to do it you know. Are you … you know, 'How's the nursing going?' And like them - again - we all have children. And uh... and then, you know, asking about those things, but then also giving advice and suggestions, you know, 'Here's what worked for me' or 'here's what I did when I went through it' or whatever."
Like for a while I was struggling with breastfeeding and, you know, explaining the situation to them and, you know, asking them for advice, like I felt very comfortable doing that, whereas, like on a Zoom call, it's a kind of. It was another support system that I needed that I got, so it was like, it meant a lot." (088). Uh, and I'm like, uh, like navigating those conversations really stinks because my husband and i both like like we both have a, you know, our-our friend group is so supportive and our family is so .
You know, like, you know, you're worried if they're going to respect my wish to wear a mask. Will they respect my wishes when I say, you know, I don't get along with x, y and z... I've had a couple of instances where some family members have come to me and they, you know, don't wear a. Yeah, I mean, um... just like... we know that not all the people we want are necessarily around [child] and with [child] or... - looks like she's smiling right now .
Um, so we finish in a sense of like, when there's a milestone… we try to capture it, we'll take pictures or FaceTime as much as possible, so like the- to do is like to find ways to connect it the way we want to — like I don't think I would normally FaceTime my mom every day of my life (laughter). We have some family members who can't come home to visit my baby so the only way they can see him or talk to him is via FaceTime...it's sad because I really want them to be here with him and you know carry him , to get to know him, and the only way they can do that is through FaceTime... It was hard because for example when we did a baby shower it was.. .practically FaceTiming, you know, seeing.
SUPPORT: STRUCTURAL
That's another support I can honestly say I have, the two kids' teachers... [my son's] attention span is so short. So his teacher, she sends me- like six in the morning, she knows I'm nursing, so she actually sends me the schedule for the day..[my son] will be like,. I had no source of income, but they would not give me any cash assistance.
I'm like, geez, you can't get a job, everything is shut down, or if it's not shut down, it's not hiring...it's harder for moms and new moms during the pandemic because we don't have enough resources ." (017). Ugh, luckily I'm on paid maternity leave and like I said I have the support of my partner who still works, but I can see how it would be really hard for other women who don't.
