This work is licensed under aCreative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 4.0 International License.
PERSPEKTIF
Available online http://ojs.uma.ac.id/index.php/perspective
Self Disclosure Virtual Communication in Long Distance Relationship (LDR) Couple in Managing Relationships
Martina Piranti
Department of Communication Science, Faculty of Social and Political Sciences, Universitas Indonesia, Indonesia
Received: 4 April 2023; Reviewed: 18 June 2023; Accepted: 24 June 2023
Abstract
Good communication is the key to every relationship. Long distance relationships have many challenges and require a great deal of effort between partners. Couples who, from the start of acquaintance, dating to marriage, are always separated by geographical distance, will need more time to open up. This study aims to examine how couples who are in long-distance relationships from dating to marriage manage relationships and how LDR couples use virtual communication with video calls as a communication medium. Researchers used qualitative research with the theory of Social Penetration put forward by Altman and Taylor to explore how long-distance partners open themselves to their partners. The results of this study show how important the intensity and quality of communication is in a relationship.
Intense and quality communication over time leads to deeper recognition, builds trust, and reduces longing between partners. Whatsapp is a choice of communication media that is considered the most useful in channeling emotions and feelings of longing when communicating.
Keywords: Long Distance Relationship; interpersonal; Social Penetration; virtual; Whatsapp
How to Cite: Piranti, M., (2023). Self Disclosure Virtual Communication of Long Distance Relationship (LDR) Couples in Managing Relationships. PERSPEKTIF, 12 (3): 868-874
*Corresponding author:
E-mail: [email protected]
ISSN2549-1660 (Print) ISSN 2550-1305 (Online)
INTRODUCTION
Husband and wife should live together under one roof. However, various reasons such as work, education and so on make married couples have to have long distance relationships (LDR) for a certain time. The only interaction that can be done is by communicating using various communication media. Communication plays a big role in human relationships where the depth, consistency and honesty of communication can determine the success or failure of a relationship, especially in romantic relationships. Being separated by distance and time will test one's love, challenge the partner's trust and commitment to each other.
Humans are social creatures, where the need for the existence of other people is very essential. Humans need affection, understanding, and support from others which can be obtained through interpersonal communication relationships. Interpersonal communication is the complex process that people go through in producing, interpreting, and coordinating messages to create shared meaning, achieve social goals, manage their personal identities, and carry out relationships.
There are no sources in the current document.
(Devito, 1986) stated that there are five positive attitudes in the aspect of interpersonal communication, namely openness, empathy, supportive attitude, positive attitude, and equality.
Everyone is involved in a relationship. In addition to relationships with family that are obtained automatically, there are other types of relationships that are based on personal desires, namely friendship relationships or love relationships (love) with partners. Fostering a romantic relationship is one of the important stages for individuals because it is the forerunner to the process of selecting a life partner. Albino & Cooper (Florsheim, 2003) expresses a romantic relationship as a serious relationship that will be experienced by every individual where they have strong romantic feelings towards someone. (Stewart, 1993) states that there are two types of romantic relationships, namely courtship and marriage.
Dating involves a deeper recognition process between partners to assess the level of compatibility with each other before moving on to marriage. Meanwhile, marriage is a deeper level that is bound in a legal marriage commitment and agreement. In forming a love relationship, of course, requires strong
interpersonal communication. (Devito, 1986) stated that there are five positive attitudes in the aspect of interpersonal communication, namely openness, empathy, supportive attitude, positive attitude, and equality.
There are many aspects in maintaining a relationship, including the similarity of relationship goals, the similarity of commitment in giving/trying the best for their partners and joint efforts in cultivating a sense of love. The intensity of communication with your partner is an important factor in an effort to openly get to know each other more deeply (self-disclosure) and maintain a relationship both physically (face to face) and verbally.
Communication intensity is the level of depth and breadth of messages that appear in communication activities carried out between individuals (Devito, 1986).
Couples who are in a long distance relationship (LDR) will find it difficult to communicate face to face. (Mietzner & Li-Wen, 2005) defines a long-distance romantic relationship as when the individual lives at least 50 miles away from the partner for a period of at least three months because of school, career, or other matters, and keeps in touch with the partner using telephone, e-mail, and other communication technologies.
Spending time together (face to face) can make couples to know and understand each other better, because face to face communication is considered the most significant form of communication. Especially for couples who have known each other from the start, from dating to marriage, are always separated by geographical distance, it will take longer to open up compared to couples who are physically close from the beginning. Every individual needs time and stages in opening himself up.
Social Penetration Theory is used to identify the process of increasing disclosure and intimacy in a relationship (Littlejohn, 2000). The theory introduced by Altman and Taylor likens an individual to an onion that has several layers to protect itself. This theory identifies the process of increasing self- disclosure and intimacy in a relationship. Social penetration is the process of developing deeper intimacy with others through shared self- disclosure and other forms of vulnerability (Griffin et al., 2019). Altman and Taylor (Turner
& West, 2018) also put forward the four stages of interpersonal relations which he discussed in the theory of Social Penetration, namely the
orientation stage which is the initial stage of the relationship where the new individual begins to reveal his own information little by little; the exploratory affective exchange stage where each individual begins to show their personality to each other, the affective exchange stage where friendly and intimate relationships begin to form and commitment has been created between the two individuals and the stable stage) where the relationship that is built is already in a really intimate and stable stage.
Along with the rapid advancement of technology, it helps facilitate all human activities, one of which is to bring those who are far away closer and boost communication productivity (Yanti et al., 2023).
Communicating with your partner can be done virtually. According to (Tamburian, 2018), virtualRelationship is a way of communication where sending and receiving messages is done through cyber space or commonly known as cyberspace. With the existence of internet technology, virtual communication activities are made easy with a variety of media, one of which is the video call feature on the Whatsapp application where LDR couples can communicate face-to-face virtually and build relationships. Whatsapp is a medium of communication for LDR couples to open up to each other and interact intensively.
Several studies on long-distance relationships use Social Penetration Theory.
Research from Denisa Fatraya on Managing Interpersonal Relationships in Couples Dating Long Distance Relationships for the Development of Serious Committed Relationships shows that self-disclosure towards partners is a way of managing communication so that long-distance relationships can develop (Fatraya et al., 2018).
Another study by Annisa Ulfa entitled Conflict Management in Long Distance Relationships Through Whatsapp Communication Media explained that WhatsApp communication media is a bridge that connects couples who are in LDR to communicate intimately (Ulfa &
Adhrianti, 2019). Difference with the two previous studies, which are located on research subjects where the researcher chose two married couples who from the start of acquaintance, dating to marriage for more than 10 years are still undergoing LDR to this day.
Researchers see that LDR couples with a longer age of acquaintance to marriage for more than
10 years will have a significant difference with couples who are still in the dating or newly married stage.
Based on the description above, the researcher wants to examine how couples who are in long-distance relationships from dating to marriage manage relationships and how LDR couples use virtual communication with video calls on the Whatsapp application as a communication medium.
RESEARCH METHODS
This research uses a qualitative research approach with a descriptive study. According to (Creswell, 2019) qualitative method is an approach or search to explore and understand a central symptom. This study uses a qualitative approach because this method allows researchers to explore in depth the answers given by the informants.
Researchers conducted direct observations and in-depth interviews (in-depth interviews) by asking questions to the informants. The interview was conducted in a semi-structured format by first preparing a list of questions. Interviews were conducted with four informants who were two married couples. In-depth interviews were conducted via telephone per pair to build a sense of comfort during the interview process. Another reason for using telephone communication technology is because the informants (husbands) are out of town which does not allow researchers to meet face to face during the study.
The informants in this study were chosen purposively (purposeful). In this technique, researchers will determine informants who are considered to have rich information so that they are able to obtain as much data as possible.
Resource persons will be selected based on certain criteria made by researchers based on research objectives to obtain rich and in-depth information about a number of people or certain cases so as to increase understanding of the cases or phenomena studied (Patton, 2014).
The selected informants were 2 (two) married couples with the following criteria:
1. Long-distance relationship since acquaintance, dating to marriage
2. Separated by more than 50 miles (equivalent to 80 Km) from their partners so they cannot communicate face to face frequently, according to the definition put
forward by (Mietzner & Li-Wen, 2005) regarding long distance relationship 3. Use the video call communication feature to
communicate with your partner
The following is brief data from sources in this study:
1. Partner 1: Wulan and Chandra
Wulan is a 37 year old woman (wife) who works at the Ministry of Public Works and Public Housing (PUPR). Currently he is domiciled in Jakarta.
Chandra is a 44 year old man (husband) who also works at the Ministry of Public Works and Public Housing (PUPR).
Currently he is serving in North Maluku.
Since their initial acquaintance, dating and finally getting married, this couple has always been separated geographically. In other words, since the beginning of the relationship, they have been geographically separated.
2. Couple 2 : Mey and Ben
Mey is a 37 year old woman (wife) who works at PT. Bakrie and currently domiciled in Jakarta.
Ben is a 39 year old man (husband) and works at the Ministry of Finance. Currently he is assigned in North Kalimantan.
Since their initial acquaintance, dating and finally getting married, this couple has always been separated geographically. In other words, since the beginning of the relationship, they have been geographically separated.
RESULTS AND DISCUSSION
The Influence of Interpersonal Communication Intensity on Self Disclosure and Quality of Relationships in Long Distance Relationship (LDR) Couples
The intensity of interpersonal communication is key in maintaining the commitment of a relationship. Since the initial stages of acquaintance, courtship and finally marriage, each individual slowly opens up (Self Disclosure) to his partner. Even at the startAt the orientation stage, the individual carefully and slowly opens himself up.With the comfort that begins to form, there will be confidence to open up and interact more deeply with each other so that they can move on to a more intimate relationship. A relationship requires a joint effort between partners, especially in terms of maintaining intense communication.
In managing long-distance relationships, good, open and honest communication is needed
which will greatly affect maintaining relationships and even conflict resolution. The process of getting to know each other can also be assisted by information provided by people around the couple such as friends, family or co- workers. In the custom of Indonesian society, asking about someone's personal information before having more intimate relationships is commonplace in order to know a person's true nature or background. This information will be a reference whether someone wants to start the introduction to the next stage.
The intensity and quality of good communication were recognized by Wulan and Chandra as conditions that were met in a long- distance relationship, even from the start of their acquaintance because they were already separated. Chandra says:
"Initially, I knew Wulan because of the same office but he was in the center at the East Region Directorate, it was just right for me to be in Ternate so there was bound to be some interaction. So when I want to get close to her intensely, at first I say hello via BBM. After that, I just started to dare to make calls and intense BBM. At first, I called more often so I could hear his voice. Until now, we definitely talk at length in a day, we have to be there so we know how Wulan and the children are doing. But for me, if I've already committed, how should I commit?
What's more, I'm a field person and sometimes it's hard to make phone calls. But I am committed to the relationship.”
Wulan added by saying:
“In the past, there weren't many choices, so it's BBM, yahoo messenger sometimes, now the most frequent call is because you can talk at length. Calls a day can be more than 5 times when they first started dating. Yes, after that, at least 3 times, but talk inside. The rest is fuel. If it's good now, there are lots of options for chatting, let alone being able to video call. It's much better.
I really miss being away like this, so when I call again I'm sure I'm happy and if he's already in the new mess it can take a long time. It feels like changing all the time”
Good quality of communication and intensity when communicating are emphasized by Mey as a must when having long distance relationships:
"Initially, I was introduced to him, saying that his son was good and not adventurous.
Initially, the intention was not the intention of acquaintance. But when we meet several times, we click and connect. From the very first match, Ben was no longer in Jakarta. He often calls but I
don't have any feelings yet. So chatting here and there, asking how I was doing, what did I like, right, the acquaintance stage. 6 months after dating. So I'm sad too. From the beginning we were committed to definitely giving news to each other. Usually a new evening can call the old one.
In line with what Mey said, Ben added:
"Yes, I used to know my best friend. He said he was a friend of his church, cute. Yes, I met and went together at first. Well, from the past, if I always have to call. From before before dating until now I'm the one who often calls first. That's why he's sad too. I'll be sure to ask him what's going on. In fact, if he's not answering the phone, I'll usually look for his friend or someone at home. And if it's late at night, it's definitely time to chat casually for a long time while also chatting with the children, right?
From the explanations of the sources, it can be seen that the intensity of communication is indeed needed in long-distance relationships as a substitute for the togetherness that they cannot get from the orientation stage to the stable relationship stage. Intense communication results in deep introductions from time to time. Information from people around the couple helped each other decide to open up more. The results of Self Disclosure made the resource persons, who had been far apart from the start, decide to take the next step, namely dating and then getting married.
The sources tried to maintain the quality of communication. For more than 10 years of marriage, they have a routine of communication.
The Effect of Using Video Calls in the Whatsapp application on Long Distance Partner Communication
Long-distance couples need communication technology as a medium for interacting. The rapid and increasingly sophisticated development of communication technology has made long-distance partners have many choices. Video calls provide a facility to communicate by voice and virtual face-to- face simultaneously.Communication with video calls helps couples who are far away feel closer.
The existence of increasingly sophisticated communication technology can be a solution to the problem of long distance relationships(Enggiashakeh, 2013).
Wulan stated as follows:
"Now it's better because you can make video calls. You can see the person, you can see where he is and what he is doing. It's more
exciting and the more things you can talk about.
The feeling of missing you is really relieved when you talk while looking at him. I'm so grateful that there's a model like this now. We sometimes use Zoom, use video calls such as WA, Facetime. But yes, it's easy to pass through Wa. The children love to see their father's face. In fact, sometimes I can show you the condition of the house when you need a guy's hand to clean it up. Finally, but yes, I can only show you that there is a leak or something like that."
Chandra added:
"If I make a video call, it's a medicine I really miss. I'm here alone, not accompanied by Wulan and the children. Especially when you're already at the Mess, it feels really lonely, right?
So video calls make you happy, you can see them smiling, laughing, the children are playing and running, just be happy, that's it. Moreover, children rarely see me face to face, so it's sad too.
But this really helps. His longing has been relieved a little.”
The use of video calls is even felt to have very significant benefits compared to other communication technologies for the couple Mey and Ben, especially now that they have just had their third child who is 6 months old.
Mayexpress as follows:
"In the past, when the merit started, it was only a week since Ben left. He has to go back to work right. So sad. Well, especially now that I was born like this. My job is just to cry when I call, especially when it's already a video call. The hormones aren't right yet, I'm tired of breastfeeding but I really have to be alone, right?
I'm tired of crying all the time. He just saw me crying and calming down. But yeah, I'm already a bit happy to see his face. The children and grandpa can also see their father. Look at him, my heart is calm, he can see me too while taking care of the children.
In line with Mey's confession regarding the use of video calls, Ben added:
"Because I'm far away from them, I'm the one who tells them how I'm doing more often. So May don't worry. I really prefer video calls. I can see his face, see his emotions again, and his gestures. When you're angry, you look sad too.
Feels more real, not just sound. It's more interactive.
Explanations from the sources emphasized that the use of video call technology as a medium of communication for long-distance relationships is very effective and useful. The advantages of the video call feature
of being able to meet face to face virtually are felt to be effective in reducing homesickness because it can channel emotions even more.
However, communicating with video calls still cannot display full emotions. The emotions shown in the video call capture screen do not necessarily represent true feelings and emotions. Sometimes even emotions can be deliberately 'created'. Likewise with the reality of events that are shown around the virtual person communicating. The events seen on the screen may be very different from the actual conditions. The situation of the husband who video calls against a white wall as if he were in the office, but the reality is actually elsewhere.
Things like this are often a problem in communicating virtually which can eventually lead to conflict, including in LDR couples.
Management of Love Relationships in Long Distance Relationship (LDR) Couples
It cannot be denied that long-distance relationships, especially for married couples, have greater constraints and demands than couples who are physically together. For this reason, greater effort is needed so that the relationship remains harmonious and lasting.
Trying to always be open to each other and minimize conflict was recognized by the interviewees as the key in managing relationships, especially after marriage where the problems faced are more varied. In undergoing a long-distance relationship, Chandra stated that he held fast to his commitment as Wulan's partner (as previously said) and said that:
"From the beginning of my marriage, I told Wulan, we must commit as much as we can not fight. Yes, even though there's no way there's no fighting, but we're working on each other.
Because if you fight, you will think about it all the time. If you explain via telephone or video call, it will be different. Enjoy meeting. Once, I finally bought a ticket to Jakarta to make it better. But that can't go on like that. Because you can't leave work often. If it's me, if you're fighting, just say it, we'll figure it out later. Including when talking about children's problems. What's the best, don't make up your mind. So everyone is happy and calm, that's far away. “
"I like communicating, everything is discussed. I miss being discussed, I'm feeling bored too. So both are delicious. Even though I miss you passionately, you can still enjoy it.
Usually, when we meet, it sticks even more. Once a month I have to go back to Jakarta, and when
we're together, we watch together, go to concerts, etc."
Agreeing with Chandra's words, Wulan added:
"If you're far away like this, sometimes you feel less safe at home, because there aren't any grown men. There's no him. But so I'm independent. I try not to be demanding of him. I usually tell him various stories about my days at the office and at home, including about the children. So that he also knows the conditions here. I try not to think about negative things, so I bring prayers, bring prayers so that my heart will be calm. And we are committed to returning to Jakarta once a month, but sometimes we also come here when there is an impromptu job that has to come here. When we're here, we usually find time alone. Hand in hand with chili sauce, watching movies, eating. Sometimes with children too. When we meet, I miss everything spilling over and all going out together."
In managing long distance relationships, Mey said:
"In the beginning, I often called because it was a habit, right from the approach. But in the end, especially now, telephone and video calls have become a necessity. If suddenly the intensity of communication is lacking, we must think what's wrong. In fact, it's an indicator of something. Is he busy, tired or angry? So, we will definitely discuss it. If you end up having a fight, discuss it and then apologize. We are models who are not proud to apologize. Do not admit if there is something wrong. To be honest, we really appreciate all of our time, so it's really valuable.
I miss you, yes, when we meet again, we feel quality when we make sense of it. More love, very grateful. Because you know the taste is not good.
Ben is also very diligent in making things like that for example on an anniversary, what kind of surprise is that? Although often caught,
Ben, who is in a relatively remote area, feels that longing and loneliness are often things that make him troubled, especially when he thinks of Mey, who is taking care of the baby herself. But in line with Mey, he also tries to manage a long-distance relationship:
"If I'm alone here, even though it's quiet, yes, I'm still happy. I often call Mey and the children, chat and laugh. Also, when I see that Mey is different, I ask slowly why. Sometimes he still likes to suddenly cry, because he's too tired.
Yes, I'm not good. If you've talked, we'll discuss what's going on. As for the children's affairs, we will also discuss how they want to go to school.
Instead of getting dizzy myself, Mey is impossible.
Until now, we still call affectionate names, hold hands when we are together. Oh yes, when we talk, we always give kisses that are voiced like that, so that we feel kissing him. I always schedule 3 months to return to Jakarta, and 2 weeks to stay. There we definitely go together where we stay with the children.”
The sources explained that building a relationship so that it is always harmonious is the cooperation of both partners. Efforts to reduce conflict by not prolonging the problem or apologizing first are considered one of the most effective ways for resource persons. Even though this does not necessarily completely solve the core of the problem, the interviewees who have been married for more than 10 years in this study emphasize humility and commitment to love each other under any circumstances. Maturity in the relationship that is intertwined with the lengthening of the marriage relationship, of course, is one of the important supporting elements. This makes the informants able to manage romantic relationships in LDR situations.
CONCLUSION
Every long-distance couple, both at the dating stage and at the married stage, has various challenges. At each of these stages, each individual has his own process of opening himself up. The more comfortable a person is in opening up with their partner, the more confident they will be to take the next step, regardless of the conditions they face, even though they are in a long-distance relationship.
The results of this study indicate thatin managing long-distance relationships, the speakers pointed out how important the intensity and quality of communication is.
Intense and quality communication over time leads to deeper acquaintance, builds trust, and reduces longing for one another. Another important thing that is really needed is the commitment of partners to each other.
Commitment to try to love each other, be open to each other, try to give the best, try to understand and try to resolve conflicts properly. This of course can be managed with good communication.
The choice of video calls as a medium of long-distance communication is due to the effectiveness in using its features, which are considered very helpful in undergoing long- distance relationships. Video call technology,
which provides virtual face-to-face conversation facilities, is considered to be able to convey the emotions felt when communicating and can reduce the feeling of longing for married couples who are in a long- distance relationship. The use of this media is considered to improve the quality of the communication carried out.
REFERENCES
Creswell, J. W. (2019). Research Design : Pendekatan Metode Kualitatif, Kuantitatif, dan Campuran.
Pustaka Pelajar.
Devito, J. (1986). The Interpersonal Communication Book (fourth edition). Harper & Row Publisher.
Fatraya, D., Rakhmad, W. N., & KOm, M. I. (2018).
Pengelolaan Hubungan Antarpribadi Pada Pasangan Berpacaran Long Distance Relationship (LDR) Untuk Pengembangan Hubungan Berkomitmen Serius. Interaksi Online, 6(3), 35–44.
Florsheim, P. (2003). Adolescent romantic relations and sexual behavior: Theory, research, and practical implications. Psychology Press.
Griffin, E., Ledbetter, A., & Sparks, G. (2019). A First Look at Communication Theory.
Littlejohn, S. (2000). Theories of Human Communication. Wadsworth.
Mietzner, S., & Li-Wen, L. (2005). Would you do it again? Relationship skills gained in a long- distance relationship. College Student Journal, 39(1), 192–201.
Patton, M. Q. (2014). Qualitative research &
evaluation methods: Integrating theory and practice. Sage publications.
Stewart, S. (1993). On longing: Narratives of the miniature, the gigantic, the souvenir, the collection. Duke University Press.
Tamburian, H. H. D. (2018). Komunikasi Lintas Budaya Masyarakat Dayak Dalam Menjaga Kerukunan Hidup Umat Beragama. Jurnal Komunikasi, 10(1), 77–86.
Turner, L. H., & West, R. (2018). An Introduction to Communication. An Introduction to Communication.
https://doi.org/10.1017/9781316596852 Ulfa, A. F., & Adhrianti, L. (2019). Pengelolaan
Konflik Pada Hubungan Long Distance Relationship (LDR) Melalui Media Komunikasi Whatsapp (Studi Pada Pasangan Long Distance Relationship (LDR) Pada Mahasiswa Ilmu Komunikasi Universitas Muhammadiyah Bengkulu). Jurnal Kaganga:
Jurnal Ilmiah Sosial Dan Humaniora,3(2), 1–9.
Yanti, Y., Irmaya, H., Aslihah, A., & Bage, L. (2023).
Effective Communication Implementation in Online Learning During the Covid-19 Pandemic at Alarobi Rancailat Vocational.
