5.3 RESEARCH RESULTS
5.4.2 Second Participant
5.4.2.2 Description of the participant’s experiences relating to questions posed
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“….because our trainers are not the same, the other one is still empathic you know, I feel like Ja I can actually express myself more freely, say whatever even if it‟s wrong at least I will be corrected in sort of gentle way but with the other one, I don‟t say as much you know because I‟m thinking well he is super super intelligent, super super whatever, his gonna be like mmh mmh… gonna like humiliate me like the whole humiliation thing like that I carry from primary school even now in this context is still present, so Ja I don‟t know how to get over that like really…….I‟m too scared of him.
I also think he‟s a racist, the way he would treat black students from whites its completely different you know. I still do my work though as I‟m suppose to because now with the intimidation and racism thing you are supposed to work hard, then it‟s sort of pushes me anyway, so it sort of pushes me to work hard”
135 therapist as a result. She was pushing herself to display unconditional regard, empathy and congruency. She had been taught that therapy was a way of life and she had to apply these core principles in every context.
In the beginning, she experienced the checking in to be an uncomfortable, irritating process as they were expected to share information and punctuate from a clinical frame of reference and to share information that has had an impact in their lives. She wished it could be optional.
She was extremely uncomfortable doing this in a group setting in the presence of her colleagues and lecturers. She was skeptical of being judged and felt that some information was confidential. She was and still guarded during the check-in and discloses information on a superficial level and did not disclose anything significant. She worried that other people will know everything about her life and anticipated that her lectures will give her feedback on her superficial interaction. She is not used to sharing information with other people and this stems from her upbringing as she worries about what people will think.
The first block training required them to do interviews and make observations. She was scared, clueless, felt out of place and completely stupid. It came to a point where she withdrew from participating in class. They used to discuss certain topics and they were introduced to terms such as clinical view, clinical judgment which left her feeling confused and questioning her competency. She further experienced the training context to be anxiety provoking. She felt incompetent and inadequate as she compared herself to others who seemed to be knowledgeable and experienced. She started doubting herself and questioning how she was selected into the programme. The knowledge that seems to be required led her to the perception that they selected older people with some clinical experience. She therefore felt unfit for the programme.
136 In addition, she felt some people did not understand how come she was not grasping the information at the same pace as them and that made her feel stupid as others seemed to have the answers. However, with each passing day she was gradually grasping the information and became more confident to speak in class.
She felt she had improved; during the checking in she was able to punctuate from a clinical frame of reference and had acquired awareness on the importance of checking in. She further experienced the effectiveness of person-entered interview as it got her speaking about her problems on a deeper emotional level during practice and got to understand better how come some people in class were emotional.
She experienced the training context to be different from other contexts as she described it as a cult; like a little religion; it is innovative. She was constantly impressed as she learnt something new every day. It was a safe environment that allowed her to express herself, she learnt to communicate on a higher logical level and that made her feel smart.
On the contrary, coming out of the class context and engaging with the world leaves her feeling isolated. She was not able to engage with other people on the same level as she did with her classmates as a result she distanced herself from the social contexts. She believed that some people had misconceptions about psychologists and got irritated when they voiced out their opinions as they had limited and inadequate knowledge and lacked empathy for people in the field. She also felt that because her interaction style is changing, she will not engage on the same judgmental level as her friends and this will further distance herself from her environment. She felt content with the distance as she has never been a social person. She further anticipated changes in her interaction with her family. Her family often took a judgmental stance and she was not willing to engage with them on that level. She was aware
137 that she will recognize the maneuvers in her family system, which will be challenging for her and she will have to prepare herself when meeting with them.
She expressed uncertainty on how she dealt with her experiences and elaborated that she felt understood in the class context but not outside the class context. She received empathy and support from her colleagues in which they were developing a close relationship and there was sense of cohesion.
In the context of training, they applied the concepts of congruency in communication which sometimes felt mechanical as she is constantly thinking about unconditional positive regard and being non-judgmental. She would like to reach a stage where it comes natural and she will not have to consciously and constantly think about it. However, she felt she was in the process of becoming a therapist.
She enjoyed being different from other people based on the experience she received in class and described it as glamorous and fun. For the first few weeks it was uncomfortable as the trainers were communicating non-verbally and they appeared to be having fun at their expense. They however presented differently everyday as they at times displayed concern.
She felt the manner in which feedback was given tended to be hostile but they took it as a constructive criticism. She perceived her trainers differently; one is empathic and the other one as super intelligent and racist as he treated black and white students differently. She intended not to humiliate herself in his presence and that gave her more courage to push herself to work harder.
138 5.4.3 Third Participant
5.4.3.1 Summary of the biographical information and identification of natural meaning