PRESENTATION OF FINDINGS
4.2 Subjective experience of transgender identity
4.3.1 The experience of the body as critical turning point
All the participants experienced that some parts of their anatomical body were foreign to their lived body, that these parts were like foreign objects attached to the body, not belonging to their bodies. They sensed that who they are was not reflected in the body that they were born with. Some of them felt that the reflection in the mirror was not the same as the mental image that they had of themselves, and if they would have drawn a picture of themselves, it would not be the same as what the physical body was presenting. This led all of them on the quest to change their anatomical bodies to become more congruent with their lived bodies, or experiences of themselves as belonging to opposite sex/gender.
Thapelo (FTM) often experienced his body as a problem or obstacle, as he experienced it confronting his dominant identity.
“It [menstruation] gives me the idea that my body is confused and I am the one that is confused, my body knows it has to. I started getting confused with the female body. I started asking myself if I am doing the wrong thing, why is my body not confused, because if I am a boy I actually need to be confused.
That means I will not go through other stages like other guys at school. It was something that made me to think I am just, I am just crazy or something because I am doing the things that every guy do...” (Thapelo, FTM)
4.3.1.1 Non-surgical/non-medical attempts to change
As adolescents and young people, most of the participants attempted to bring their anatomical body in alignment with their lived body - for example, by binding their breasts or “putting some things in my pants”.
“I started binding at a very young age. Some people even asked if I have breasts. I didn’t do what some persons do. Some people bind, others don’t bind, they just leave their body as it is but I started binding and started doing things, I started putting some things in my pants. I started doing things to feel more man. They took me more as a boy rather than a girl.” (Thapelo, FTM)
The MTF participants mainly added artificial breasts.
“That time I was doing the artificial, having breasts, putting in my fake breasts and all that, it was just like simple me; I was just wearing unisex clothes.”
(Thabisile, MTF)
As Felicity (MTF) started understanding the “condition” more, she wanted to do something about it - understanding led to action. She started going out to clubs as a trans woman, wearing women’s clothing and make-up. “I started slowly but surely transitioning, growing my hair out, I had both my ears pierced ehm, I started growing my fingernails longer, I started wearing androgynous clothing ehm and I started buying jewellery ... I am doing this for myself, because I have decided I am a woman trapped in mans body.”
But the participants’ attempts proved to be unsatisfactory and inadequate, and they embarked on a transitioning process that involved medical intervention.
4.3.1.2 Transitioning - medical/surgical intervention
The participants live as people of the opposite gender to their born sex. Only one participant has had a full sex change, one a partial sex change, one is in the mid- phase of transitioning and two participants are in the beginning phase of
transitioning. One is awaiting her first appointment for hormonal treatment; all the others are on hormonal treatment.
For Felicity (MTF) and Bridgette (MTF) their natural sense of their female body was revealed following an orchiectomy (surgical removal of testes). Bridgette felt that her male face required electrolysis to be consistent with her sense of self as female. For her, it was as if these procedures allowed the unknown female person to emerge.
“The orchiectomy got rid of the testosterone allowing the female hormones to have benefit. I am very proud to say what you see is me. That is no implant whatsoever. In fact I got bigger boobs than my sister. (Laughing) It is a huge boost for my self-esteem. It took about 100 hours of electrolyses, painful. I would have it done on a Friday and hope by Monday morning the swelling will be down. Then there was a question mark you know, getting to know
Bridgette.”
It was important for Felicity to have a penal inversion as she wanted to “get rid of the penis” that she experienced as “a foreign object” on her body. Felicity struggled to find a hospital and doctors willing to perform a sex-change operation in South Africa.
This was for her very frustrating and she found the medical world as unsupportive and unfriendly. Although she did find support from a psychologist who wrote a referral to an endocrinologist when she started with hormone replacement therapy at the age of 40, she had to venture overseas for the operation. When Felicity woke up the morning after the operation:
“It was like I am whole now I don’t have to hide anything. I can go to the beach in a bikini and can go and join a gym and go in to the showers not worrying when anybody is going to make a scene and can go anywhere and if I get killed in a motor accident and I am in a hospital they will look at me and as far as they can see there is no difference. Yah, it was one of the most amazing feelings.”
Justin (FTM) started in 1992 with hormone therapy and had his reproductive organs removed in 1994. He struggles to afford the testosterone injections. His pharmacist is very understanding and tries to help him. He feels that the dominant society does not support his transitioning (cannot get free healthcare), but that there are individuals who are supportive and understanding. His experience of the transitioning process has been of frustration as he is still awaiting top surgery but also that every change has brought him “closer to the real me”. As he is getting older, he is finding that the chest surgery “is not so important to me anymore”. When he was in his twenties, it was much more important to have his breasts removed, “it was all I could think about. Now it’s not the most important thing. The most important thing is finding somebody that can live with me as I am, relationships became more important than how I physically look.”
As the participants experienced their anatomical body coming into alignment with their perceived lived body their tasks in the world became more bearable, and their lives were experienced as becoming meaningful.