5. Conclusion
1.1. Mainstream education: Experiencing exclusion in inclusion
1.1.1. Failure
A.: I want to sit down with my paper in front of me and everything and then I’m just blank – I just have like a puff of smoke in my head –I don’t know what to say –I don’t know what to write
60 Thatch is a dry grass used for roofing. H. was allergic dust mites which thrive in the
Failure is described in the Encarta Dictionary as “lack in success, the fact of being unable to do or become what is wanted, expected or attempted.” The word “disappointment” is offered as a synonym in the Thesaurus, so the experience of failure can be understood as experiencing disappointment (Levine, 2002, Riddick, 1996). Many children with LD are in a system that perpetuates this disappointment and sense of failure, a system that does not encourage them “to see themselves as victors, [to] capitalize on strengths”
(Sternberg & Grigorenko, 2000:6). For A. this experience of failure was what may be considered the ultimate school failure – he had to repeat a grade, the only informant who did. Although failure is for most of my informants a daily experience, it is not one they dwell on in the interviews.
All but one informant mention experiencing failure in some way, or feeling
“stupid,” which I have chosen to analyze as an experience of failure.
In some instances the perception and experience of failure is only that in relation to the performance of others, for example either high expectations or high achieving friends.
M.: I got my mark and I was really disappointed because -I thought it was a really easy test and I thought I would get at least an A [meaning 80% or above] but I got 75 and even if its not a fail its like a fail because of standards and everything – anything below 70 for me is like a fail – its just like everybody else is getting these really good marks an you’re just like wow 76 or whatever – it’s so disappointing
In any other another context 75 is certainly far from failure! From an objective point of view a mark of 75% is not seen as failure, which in fact in the classroom would be below 40%. It is therefore the context and who and what one is comparing performance to that dictates what failure is. The yardstick therefore changes depending on the context: in a context of high achieving friends, the sense of failure comes at a very different point to in a context where one is comparing oneself to others whose performance is the
Fear of failure was another common experience. Both M. and H. show this quite clearly in the collages submitted as part of the data. S. and A. both expressed this in their audio journals, particularly a fear of failing me as the researcher. This is evident in such frequent comments as I hope you like this. B.’s reticence to open up in the interviews, mentioned above, is perhaps also an indication of his fear of failing me as the researcher, a fear that he may not give a “right” answer. This despite the assurance that this was to be his story and therefore all he had to tell was his experiences. I have dealt elsewhere with my concern about the data that I received from B., and what I suggest here is that this reticence was in itself useful data. B.
did not admit to experiencing failure. However he does acknowledge the move to remedial school was because I had real difficulties. The nature of his responses (discussed in the previous chapter) also suggests that he not only had experienced failure but that he found this too difficult to talk about.
S. describes “problems” rather than failure. She does not describe the experience of failure but rather justifies or rationalizes decisions that by another might be explained as failure:
S.: I stopped doing Zulu – cos we had to do Zulu – but I stopped doing it cos I just found that was too much of a workload on me – and also with remedial I had also a lot of work –cos in std 4 [grade 6] I started with Mrs. P and I went to remedial with her and it just became too much for me and my mom said – OK stop Zulu - that’s one of your baddest subjects – so I stopped
It is significant to note at this point that although the initial experience of failure was on entering school, or in the junior primary grades, for the four informants who left mainstream education for a period to attend remedial facilities these experiences diminished, but did not disappear on their return to mainstream. They carried back with them the sense of inadequacy and difference:
H.: it was kind of difficult—no one would understand what I was going through– like if I battled with something then they wouldn’t understand why I was battling with this because it was so easy to them…and they all seem to understand questions fine- but then I won’t understand what the question is – they’ll find it a very easy questions and I’ll find it a very difficult question
M. describes how her reaction to a poor mark on a maths test colours everything that follows. She had received very positive feedback for a classroom presentation and a history test. However there was no sense of achievement or joy at the good marks because this was overshadowed by her disappointment over a maths test mark Note how she measures her success by comparing her performance to her peers:
M. : I felt so worthless and then I got my history back and I was quite happy until everybody got their tests back and everybody in the class got good marks as well because we had this history thing and I got 100% and I was feeling good about that for about 5 seconds and then everybody else got theirs back and they got the same mark as me and I felt like—it wasn’t an exceptional project because you know some people didn’t actually work at all---and I couldn’t be happy about the good conference which was much more important than one little maths test – it was a stupid thing- its just – my marks have been like- they’ve dropped so much and I ask myself why and I can’t say oh well its because there’s something going on at home or I haven’t been taking my R or anything – I can’t think of any excuse – it ---just makes me feel pretty worthless- there’s no reason why I shouldn’t be getting good marks like everybody else- I’ll get a mark and I’ll be like Ok with it – it’ll be disappointing but I’ll be like OK fine and then everybody else gets much much higher marks – its just so depressing-
M. : it was almost like I felt out of place if I did badly –I just thought why can’t I be like everybody else – why can’t I just listen to
instructions and follow them properly
She refers to an attempt to put a door-stop in place that failed when she put it in the wrong way around:
I just felt like everybody would have known how to put the door stop in
Her sense of isolation and feeling out of place is clear; she expresses her desire to be “like everyone else.”
In addition to experiencing failure, all informants reported experiences of the consequences of failure, sequelae such as humiliation, teasing, and low self esteem (Levine, 2002, Riddick, 1996). M. describes one occasion when she experienced failure and the humiliation that accompanied it. It was during an athletics race and she miscounted the laps she had run and stopped before completing the requisite number of laps:
M.: I enjoy [running] and I overtook the second person so I was coming second and I stopped running- I felt so stupid ( voice starts quavering) and –I dunno I had to run again and I was so incredibly tired (°°)61 – and I just felt like such an idiot – and I spoilt the whole race for myself ( crying ) cos I wasted all my energy – and if I just thought about it – I might have actually stood a chance – it was just so annoying
The experience of failure is frequently linked to the experience of humiliation as the latter is often a consequence of the former. However in the following section I provides examples of humiliating incidents that
reveal the resultant “scars” (Edwards, 1994) in the emotion that accompanied the telling of these stories.