CHAPTER 5: EMPIRICAL MATERIAL AND ANALYSIS
5.1. Establishing Belonging
5.1.3. Insider? Outsider? An Imposition?
An imposition is an unfair or unwelcome demand or burden. Amongst the participants, experiencing oneself as an imposition, being experienced as an imposition, and deliberately behaving as an imposition were all reported responses to living within their mothers’
employers’ households. Romero (2011, 2014), Burkhalter and Manala (2001), and Mange (1995) all found that the acceptance of a domestic worker’s child into an informal fostering arrangement was often contingent upon the child accepting certain house rules, and adopting the behaviours and beliefs of the employers. These findings resonate with Derrida’s (2000)
theories of hospitality and tolerance as a means through which a host-group can exercise social control.
The participants of this study displayed a similar awareness that their acceptance within the employers’ family, and the offers of financial and emotional support, were contingent upon their acceptance of certain ways of being and in respecting certain boundaries set, either knowingly or unconsciously, by the employer. Most importantly, for the relationship to persist comfortably and for the economic and social resources offered by the employers to continue to be made available, the participants needed not to be seen as an imposition. Cultivating an identity that both resonated with and was compatible with the employers’ milieu was a means of passing as a household member and gaining acceptance within the employers’ social circles.
James and Gugu were both included within the employers’ homes in such a way that they did not feel that they themselves were an imposition. However, they did feel it was their responsibility to regulate their behaviour to ensure it would not draw negative attention or cause offence.
There were certain things I wouldn’t impose, you sort of reach an age where you start realising (…) this actually isn’t any of my stuff, I can’t really. Whereas at my godmother’s place, it was basically a free for all! (…) Whatever I want, it was cool. It was a case of help yourself, go mad! (…) You would never find me doing that stuff at Linda and Roy’s place, even now. (James)
Both Zama and Themba experienced themselves as impositions. They dealt with these feelings in different ways. Zama evidenced the most discomfort with the possibility that she might appear to be imposing herself on the Smiths and feared that her presence and her needs might be a burden to the family. This discomfort seems to have arisen within her rather than from overt or even subtle expectations in the employer’s family. The feeling of not belonging, or of imposing, did not have to arise out of large events or obvious exclusions. In Zama’s experience it manifested as a constant feeling of ‘awkwardness’ and uncertainty:
It would be really weird because sometimes I would end up there on like a holiday.
They were like, “Come guys! Now it’s time to go for the Easter egg hunt”. I sort of let them all run off, and I stood for a while thinking, “Am I really part of this? Do I go on the Easter egg hunt?” They were sort of like “No Zama, go!” And then you start doing the Easter egg hunt and you realize that you are doing it quicker than everybody else, that you finding the eggs a whole lot quicker than everybody else, and you know that what you find you keep, and then you are like, “But I wasn’t even supposed to be here, so should I just sort of hold out?” (…) I think I felt like it was my responsibility to hold back because they are just so nice (…) it would always be awkward.
The Smiths seem to have be cognisant of Zama’s discomfort and helped her to overcome these feelings by supporting her to develop a sense of personal capacity and agency:
I always felt bad some times, because everything for Amy and Clare was sort of so easy and when it came to me it was always the extra things happening, that not going through, that going through, (…) They always had to make extra plans for me, because things just weren’t working out right for me (…) But they were still always very supportive and they never made me feel bad. They always said, “You have gotta keep your head up, you have got to work, if you really want this you will work hard. If it’s really meant to be things will all fall into place”. (…) Mary was always good about sorting out funding, like a better option, so, like I wouldn’t feel like I was burdening them. So it feels like I’m doing something good and there’s people out there that want to support what I’m doing.
Unlike Zama, the support Themba received from his ‘informal’ foster family failed to nurture his sense of personal agency and feelings of belonging. Despite describing himself as Helen’s child, from a young age Themba felt he was a burden to the Martins and feared his acceptance into their family would be temporary. He described his childhood as “stressful” because he felt insecure, and he believes these feelings caused him to become a “rebellious” child who behaved as “the complete opposite to everybody else” in the family. Although he felt he belonged within their family he felt different to the Martins and that his differences were ‘bad’. For example he saw his interest in sport within the academically oriented Martin family as “naughty”. His ‘rebelliousness’ was later distressingly expressed when he began stealing at school. He claims this was a means of connecting to his black peers. However, it also seems to have been a way of testing his position in the family.
The responses he elicited only served to confirm his belief that he was a temporary member of the Martin family, as the threat of punishment elicited was far greater than that which would be given to a biological child of the family:
(M)y black family were, sjoe! it’s the whole ungratefulness, not being grateful. They teach me, they buy me clothes. Why do I need to steal? Why do I do all these things? I think it got to a point where Helen she didn’t know what to do. She threatened to send me to a township high school, I didn’t want to go back there. It made me angry. I felt like if Stephen did stuff like that at school he would never be threatened with a school in the township.
A potentially negative aspect of the participants’ passing as an ‘insider’ of their white families was that this was often achieved at the cost of spending time with their biological mother or biological family. While this acceptance was important for the participants’ social mobility and facilitated their assimilation into the middle or upper classes, it required them to distance themselves physically and symbolically from certain aspects of their parents’ lives and their own working class backgrounds. Romero (2011, p.249) describes this assimilation as a
“hidden cost” of social mobility as it can negatively impact the social and cultural connections between working class parents and their middle to upper class children. When younger, the
participants were often unaware of the parental control their mothers had to relinquish in order for the participants to be accepted within the employers’ families. The clearest example of this in this study was Gugu’s description of meal times at the Schmidt’s’ home:
Gugu: The wonderful thing is if it is supper my mother liked to call me, “Come we will eat together” but Dr Schmidt he said, “No, just leave Gugu because she is our child and we must eat together at the supper”. If there was a party we were joining in.
Alice: Your mum would join in as well?
Gugu: No my mother she was working mostly.
Alice: When you had supper with the Schmidts where would your mum be? Would she also be at the table?
Gugu: No, no.
The quote above demonstrates how the nature of domestic work can intrude into the family life of domestic workers and their families but also how, in informal fostering relationships the employer has the power to override the parental authority of the domestic worker. Mange (1995) found that the power relations embedded in the domestic employer – employee relationship had the potential to limit the domestic worker’s ability to express her own needs and desires for her child. While the participants of this study did not explicitly express such sentiments, they did note that their inclusion into the employers’ family activities could force them to choose between spending time with the employers’ family, their mothers, or visiting their biological families. Their inclusion in certain activities or events highlighted the social mobility the relationship had afforded them but also how this was often contingent on excluding their mothers.