CHAPTER FIVE Findings: Part Two
5.3 Notions of Self
5.3.3 Intimations of Identity: In Pursuit of the Self
In section 1.3,1 proposed that for those who become devotees their earlier lives were characterized by a search for an "enduring" sense of identity, which initially may not have been concretized by the individual, but there existed a feeling, consciousness, or a sense of continuity of self, that gave impetus for such individuals to enter into common dialogue as devotees, irrespective of race, language or culture. With regard to this I questioned my elite informers and resident devotees about their personal thoughts on life and its purpose prior to becoming devotees, and whether it was characterized by a search for identity. Their responses are as follows:
Bhakti Caitanya Swami: It was the in the hippy days. There was the idea that you got to find yourself ...definitely a sense of desire, an idea or intuition that there must be something better although I didn 't know what it was.
He felt that there was a general momentum in the hippy culture of which he was part, that society was mundane, and that work was unnatural and unsatisfactory, an experience he had himself of not being happy in the work situation. Although the ideas of love, and peace and harmony was the hippy motto, and there was great inspiration in finding a
higher awareness and living life by those terms, but the means to find it appeared not to be there.
A personal response was elicited from Jayadavaita Swami:
I had a definite sense that I needed to understand what I was and even I suppose, a sense of despair because there was no good answer to that question forthcoming.
He explained that he experienced a sense of despair as well as frustration because he could not find the answer to his search for identity. He found the scientific, reductionistic answers to the question of identity during his youth as "bleak", unsatisfying and
producing in him a sense of restlessness. Jayadavaita Swami's response may be
juxtaposed with the framework of the modernist period ISKCON took hold in the West.
Denzin and Lincoln (1998) describe the modernist phase as developing after World War II and extending to the 1970s. Within that paradigm, philosophers of science concurred that Reason was the main instrument in scientific progress. Truth, within the modernist paradigm, meant that only scientific knowledge was regarded as useful, and legitimate (Mouton and Joubert, 1990) a condition that Jayadvaita Swami felt frustrating, "bleak"
and unsatisfying.
The personal search for a more "enduring" identity seems to characterize most persons who became devotees as listed in their responses below:
Kadamba Kanana Swami: Frankly speaking, I was seeking. Throughout my life I was questioning things. I was always a thoughtful person, so even when I was young I was wondering about various questions.
He recollected that his life was characterized by a search for identity, benchmarking particular ages at which significant events occurred in relation to this search. He
remembered deeply contemplating the issue of God as young as six years old; at 12 years deeply questioning these issues again; at 15 years rejecting the "identity society was
trying to impose" upon Him, mentioning specifically his reluctance in accepting the role his parents were trying to define for him. He left home at 17 years to pursue a spiritual goal and find his "true self finding himself in India deeply impressed by "such a presence of God consciousness" that it gave him purpose to life. Other devotees in my
sample indicated a similar search for identity:
Devamrita Swami: I was looking for life and its purpose; in the meantime while looking I thought why not enjoy life, as it is commonly known, while searching.
He remembers even as a little child that he did "really not fit" into society. Devotee D who is an artist also recalls:
I was an artist and for artists they normally have a search for something...
He regarded his search occurred through his artwork, where the production of new art indicated that he was always trying to find the "essence of life" through his art. He emphasized that nonetheless he felt unfulfilled spirituality. Devotee B, although initially identifying himself as a "a young black man" explained how he felt:
I felt I was not living out my identity, especially when I had to interact with the white people. I felt that they were people that I loved inside me; I didn 't see that there was a
difference.
Devotee A: When I was smaller I always spoke with God. I had my actual prayers.
Usually I didn't ask him for things... when I was ten or eleven or so ...something happened I forgot God... until I was 21.
Devotee A explained that although she accepted an idea of God when she was a child, she temporarily gave up her practices of religion for a large part of her youth. Although this had happened, and that she became distracted by drug use, her description of her lifestyle in those years indicated she continued to search for an identity that was spiritual.
She was involved in meditation and a practice of "nature religion" she called shamanism, supposedly quite common in her country, by which she had become vegetarian. It was there she was introduced to the idea of a "soul", but her concept of God was an
"impersonal" one. An interesting occurrence, although she did not know its origins at that time, was that she had begun chanting the maha-mantra having heard it on a CD.
The early life of Devotee C was not really characterized by a search for an identity. She indicated that being brought up in a traditional household, and being quite poor, she focused more on daily issues of survival than "for looking for knowledge or studying".
However, the sudden death of her sister and the distress produced by that launched her into a search for answers, and it was a week later that she met the devotees:
So out of distress we also looked, but at the same time after looking we found that there was something more... although looking for something to fill that void, it was something higher in the sense of realising the values of life...
Devotee C regarded her spiritual life as "dormant" until she met the devotees who provided her with a "wake up call" to spiritual life. She felt that the knowledge she obtained from meeting the devotees replaced the lack of understanding that was
prominent in the traditions and customs of her grandparents. This knowledge component was an important milestone in her serious practice of spiritual life which allowed her to understand her identity as a devotee.
Thus for most of the devotees their lives were characterized by a search for an "enduring"
identity, while some devotees do indicate that their spiritual lives were precipitated by a crisis. Nonetheless it does appear that the knowledge component played a significant role in their acceptance of the practices of Krishna consciousness. Another interesting
phenomenon was that most devotees interviewed began a search for spiritual identity early in their lives, which continued throughout their youth, intimating trends of the
"enduring" identity that I proposed.