5.3. Introducing the Women
5.3.5. Linda’s Story
This woman’s story is unique because Linda is the only woman minister with blindness in the MCSA. It is, therefore, also impossible to hide her identity, even though I have also given her a pseudonym. Over and above signing a consent form, Linda has given her full permission for me to use her story in this research. Linda is a single middle-aged White minister, who was raised in the Cape but who is now a part-time minister in Namibia. Her story tells of a double bind – she has blindness and she is female. Linda has a rare tenacity and she is someone who perseveres at something she believes in. Her years of training for the ordained ministry were difficult. She was the only probationer from Namibia, which means she had to travel alone and was cut off from other ministers in training in the Connexion. She overcame all the obstacles in her way even though she confessed that, at times, she questioned the wisdom of her choice to follow her calling. Not only was this probationer minister a woman but she was also a feminist theologian, working towards inclusive language in the MCSA. Linda’s sighted female colleagues drew inspiration from her example. Many heated debates were entered into during her years of training, often between conservative male probationers and some of the more liberal female probationers. The women did not all agree because some of Linda’s female co-students were determined to maintain the status quo and not to rock the boat, lest their ordination be jeopardised. Linda aspired to fulfil her calling as well as to work for gender justice in the Church. Her story makes for amusing reading as she has a keen sense of humour. Most often, she would be the one who makes the ‘blind jokes’ at social gatherings.
As mentioned in chapter one, a highlight in Linda’s childhood was her utmost delight when she received her first Braille Hymn-Book and Bible. She remembers with fondness her joy at being able to read the Gospel according to John by herself.
She highlighted that, in her experience, single people find it difficult to have a place in the Church as it is usually designed for the ‘nuclear family’ (mother, father and two children – preferably first a boy and then a girl).
176 Linda has studied the subject of same-sex sexuality extensively and believes that the MCSA needs to accept people of all sexual orientations – this in itself marginalises her for her outspokenness on the topic. She is a qualified advocate, who is now also an ordained part-time and non-stipendiary minister in a congregation that cannot afford to pay her a stipend. I am reminded of Rakoczy (2004:221) saying that the “church wants women to do the work men will not do” when I think of Linda’s sacrificial ministry in Windhoek.
Although she has had many positive experiences in the Church, her pain arose during the period of her training for the ministry. We now hear Linda’s story in her own words:
Excerpt 1
I was taken to church by my mother. My father was not anti-church, but rarely attended. I never figured out the reason for this, except that I do know that while he was a soldier in World War II, he was once chased out of a Dutch Reformed Church, which he had attended, wearing a uniform. My mother read me Bible Stories. I also went to Sunday School and at ordinary school we were taught about the Bible and about God. I cannot specifically remember my images of God as a child, but I did say my prayers every night and prayed for my parents. I asked God to look after them and me, especially since I went to boarding school at a very young age. I cannot remember that I was scared of God, but I was aware that God seemed to be respected.
One of the key themes that run through all the stories we have heard, is the role mothers and grandmothers play in children’s faith development and religious education. At the same time, we also discovered that not all the men in the participants’ lives were actively involved in the Church. Although none of the fathers seemed ‘anti-church’ they nevertheless did not make any significant imprint on their daughter’s memory regarding God, Church or spirituality. It is helpful, in this research, to recognise that women played the major roles in the spiritual upbringing of those who share their stories with us.
I also discovered, when talking with Linda about her images of God, that for a person with blindness images are very different to what they are for sighted people. An image is more related to feelings, experiences, nuances and sounds, rather than to what it looks like.
In the correspondence between two friends (one blind and the other sighted) recorded in On Blindness – Letters between Bryan Magee and Martin Milligan, Magee (1995:21) responds to Milligan as follows:
You end your letter by asking if I agree with you that blind people can understand the meaning of visual terms to a major extent even if not wholly;
and, if I do, what I would say about that part of the meaning of such terms that blind people cannot share.
177 I have to say that I do not believe that blind people can understand visual
terms to a major extent, though you demonstrate impressively that they can do so to some extent. What is central here is the distinction between ‘knowing’ and
‘knowing about’ or ‘knowing that’.
Linda is a remarkable woman, who loves to engage with others about blindness. As a sighted person, I found it difficult to understand her love for travel and adventure, until I travelled with her and saw the world through her ‘unseeing eyes’. Sighted people rely more on sight and less on their other four senses – Linda constantly reminds me of them.
Linda has gone skiing, she has been a crewmember on a tall ship, she has climbed Table Mountain and she has been on several ocean cruises. She often travels on her own, which is a challenge, even for a sighted person.
Linda’s close relationship with God, which was fostered from childhood, provides her with the strength she needs. Having a sense of humour has always been a priority in Linda’s life and I believe her teachers contributed to this aspect of her personality, as we hear in the next part of her story:
Excerpt 2
I enjoyed Sunday School. I remember asking many questions and found my teachers very helpful. One teacher who stands out, was someone called Maggie Reid. She was a teacher at the school for the deaf in Worcester and also a local preacher. I remember her as having a sense of humour. I also remember Vic Honey, who was principal of the art school. He was lively and full of fun, but also taught me a great deal.
Two teachers stand out in Linda’s memory of her early school days. It was also during this time of her life that she learnt to play the piano and unlike sighted piano players who read the music as they play it, she had to commit the score to memory before she could play the piece.
Excerpt 3
I do not remember specific things about being a teenage girl in church. Nothing really stands out, other than that I was quite active, participating in Sunday School anniversaries with great enthusiasm, singing solos sometimes and on occasion playing the piano in the Sunday School. I did not attend youth groups and youth camps; there were no such opportunities. I do remember singing in the church choir as a teenager and that was great fun. Our congregation was small and everyone knew everyone else. My biggest thrill as a youngster was when I acquired my first Braille hymnbook and Bible. I could read the latter to my hearts’ content.
178 Literacy meant so much more to Linda than it does to a sighted person. Being able to read opened up the whole world to her. The Bible and the Methodist Hymnbook have a special place in Linda’s heart. As she matured, she also became aware of the gender injustice of the Bible and the exclusive language of many of the hymns but those challenges made the Scriptures even more important to her – it strengthened her commitment to delve into what really is there. Her story continues:
Excerpt 4
I learnt Bible stories at school and Sunday School. My first encounter with a Braille Bible was in standard two when I was a boarder. The hostel had some of the Gospels. They were in Afrikaans, but I remember that the first book I read (without being read to), was John’s Gospel. I did not understand it all, but found it fascinating. Individual books of the Bible were available in Afrikaans from the Printing Press at Worcester and I acquired a few of those. I enjoy reading the Bible still today, especially since I studied theology (I have a BTh from UNISA and an MA in Evangelism Studies from Sheffield University), because I now have access to commentaries and find it a challenge to apply the teachings of the Bible in my own life and that of the people who listen to my sermons.
Linda’s studies have stimulated her thinking and her sharp mind provides her with the skills to preach and teach regularly, over and above her duties as an advocate in a legal NGO.
Her humility is astounding in the face of everything she has accomplished in her life. Yet, even though she is reluctant to talk about it, she is constantly passed over when it comes to promotions or leadership in her secular job. It is difficult to know whether it is because she is a woman or merely because she is a woman with blindness. Linda makes use of the most up-to-date electronic equipment to assist her in her work. She has her own Braille printer, a Braille book-reader, a phone that talks to her and software on her computer, which converts documents into Braille. These documents, including e-mails, can then either be spoken to her by an electronic voice, or converted into Braille, which she can then print. Such equipment, as used by Linda, makes me aware of another kind of marginalisation, that of people with disabilities. Few people with blindness can afford to pay thirty-thousand Rand for electronic equipment and the cell phone, which is compatible with her computer software, costs more than twice the price of an ordinary cell phone in the same range. One of the feminist principles that stands out for me in Linda’s determination, is that of choice.
Linda chooses life, she works towards her dreams and pursues her call from God with an incredible passion. Linda’s spirituality is closely connected to her daily life, as she shares:
179 Excerpt 5
My image of God is one of holiness, power, gentleness, love and caring. God for me is gracious and generous. The names for God, with which I am most familiar at present are: Father, Mother, The Holy One, Creator, Redeemer, Sustainer, Lord. I relate to God quite comfortably, feeling that I can bring the smallest need, e.g. finding transport, etc. to God. I find God very personal, even though I regard God with awe. I find that I meet God in the Church and outside.
I must qualify this by saying that I do not always feel God’s presence in church.
I feel God’s presence during my personal devotions and often when I am in a Bible study of fellowship group. I also sometimes feel God’s presence in other places, e.g. beside the sea, or in the garden.
Like many other feminist theologians, Linda too, experiences times when God seems absent in the Church. Linda finds interaction with people in small groups meaningful and it is there that she often senses God’s presence. Nature also plays an important part in her experience of God. Prayer is part of life for Linda and she openly includes others in her prayers. She is dependent on others for transport and for assisting her with colour coding her wardrobe and this is something she manages quite naturally. Although Linda lives on her own in her own house, with a garden, she regularly needs people to give her rides to work and to church. She has a circle of friends on whom she can call and she does so without feeling guilty. Linda is a fiercely independent person in many respects, so much so that it is comforting to know that she does concede to being dependent in some areas. Next she shares about her feminist awakening:
Excerpt 6
I did not become aware of language until a few years ago. I often found and still find some language old-fashioned and find that I no longer relate well to it. I find hymns and songs meaningful, but must admit that some of the contemporary songs, while they may have good rhythm and tunes, are somewhat superficial. I have recently made more use of liturgy in church and in my quiet time. I find the liturgies in the new Methodist Worship Book from the UK helpful, especially the fact the language is understandable, e.g. the new Covenant Service. I also find the liturgy in the Anglican Prayer Book (Church of the Province 1989) useful in private devotions. I do not always use these liturgies, but I find that it gives some structure and helps me to have a broader focus. I have not been exposed to many other liturgies.
During our training for the ministry – our training overlapped for two years – we wrestled with the exclusive language used by lecturers and colleagues. We created opportunities to talk about feminist theological perspectives but we were not popular. Like Linda, I too enjoy working with the new ‘Methodist Worship Book from the UK’ but the new liturgies
180 are not yet accepted by all the people in local congregations. Linda also struggles with singing inane ‘love songs’ to Jesus. Worship needs to be more than that. Social justice and a deepened spirituality are important aspects of worship. Her story continues:
Excerpt 7
The fact that the Bible is patriarchal never really occurred to me until I heard a talk by an American professor who visited Central Methodist Church in Cape Town in the early 1990s. He gave me a new perspective and I have since become more aware to this. I do not understand everything that I read in the Bible and consult commentaries if I do not. One of the stories in the Bible to which I relate is that of Esther, the power of one person to change the course of history. I also find the story of the woman who touched Jesus’ cloak particularly meaningful. This may sound strange, but having suffered for many years with menstrual problems and haemorrhage, I can relate to what she must have been going through and how desperate she must have been. The main purpose of the Bible is for God to reveal Godself to human beings.
Linda’s feminist awakening was a breakthrough for her. She immediately started studying and working towards a change in her own approach to God and ministry. This journey continues as Linda is beginning to explore the possibilities of studying for her PhD. When Linda identifies with this particular biblical character I sense a much deeper connection there than merely her physical challenges, related to her own menstrual cycle. Linda’s blindness has kept her ‘outside’ the ‘ordinary community’ and Jesus also says to her ‘be healed of your ‘isolation’. Linda’s views, on the role the Church plays in family life, is explored in this next part of her story:
Excerpt 8
The Church’s roles in family life is to promote good family values but not in the sense of wives submitting to husbands, etc. Moreover, the Church needs to broaden its understanding of family life by recognising different kinds of families: single parent, same-sex relationships, etc. I cannot think of any particular joys and sorrows of my family in the Church, except that I sometimes felt “out” because of being single. I receive good pastoral care in the Church before I became a minister. I have no felt specific expectations of me as a woman in the Church. I have not been involved in “women’s work” as such and have fortunately not been expected to work in the kitchen or look after children.
Linda particularly raises the ‘family values’ concern. She is deeply aware of the pain lesbian and gay people experience in the MCSA and she promotes the conversation that the Church has committed itself to being a part of. Although a good cook, Linda has not been expected to fulfil the tasks, usually assigned to women, which indirectly excluded her from their group. Being a woman with blindness has caused Linda much marginalisation and
181 isolation and, even though she does not mention it in the next excerpt of her story, she has in fact been overlooked for leadership positions.
Excerpt 9
I have been fortunate in not having experienced rejection as a woman in leadership. The only pain I have suffered in the church has been as a probationer minister; I guess being a woman has not helped. I have felt not listened to or taken seriously. This has been at the hands of clergy colleagues and not the laity.
Linda acknowledges her struggles during the years of training for the ministry. Being placed in a group with conservative evangelicals as well as feminist liberals was bound to cause problems for everyone. I recall an occasion when our groups visited a Buddhist Retreat Centre as an interfaith exposure. Linda and I were excited and delighted at what we learnt and experienced there. On reflection afterwards some of our co-student ministers were angry at being taken to ‘an evil’ place. Other difficulties Linda experienced were the handouts we received during lectures. The sighted student ministers could read and prepare for tests and exams easily. Linda, however, could not bring her scanning equipment with her so seminars and retreats – she had to wait until she got home and only then could the laborious process of scanning her notes, books, lectures and handouts begin so that she could convert them all to Braille. She needed more than twice as much time to prepare for exams than any of her sighted colleagues did. In spite of all these challenges, Linda excelled at tests, examinations and assignments. However, she concludes her story by relating her introduction into MCSA leadership in 1988:
Excerpt 10
My first encounter with leadership in the Church was in 1988 when our minister asked me to be a Society Steward (in Cape Town). I continued in this position until I relocated to Namibia in 1994. I then became a Circuit Steward and a lay representative to the Connexional Executive, as well as a local preacher. Bishop Ivan Abrahams has provided and still provides encouragement. I am still a Methodist because I believe in its basic tenets and doctrines. I dream of a day when church leaders will stop being high and mighty and decide to climb off their pedestals. I dream of a day when all will be regarded as equals: men, women, gays, etc. It is obviously necessary to have leaders but I find the abuse of power in some quarters in our church unacceptable. Moreover, we need the Laws and Discipline as our guide, but then we need to follow the spirit and not the letter of the law. Ultimately, our main guide is God and the Bible.
Furthermore, I hope that we would stop creating talkshops and structures and get down to more action. The structures ought to be much more a means to an end and not an end in itself.