Chapter 5. Discussion
5.4 Relationships and attitudes towards men
The third question that the researcher aimed to address was about the way that Black South African female students constructed their relationships with men in relation to growing up fatherless. The participants displayed interpersonal resilience and used dominant interactional devices of denying the possible influence that their fathers might have had on their relationships
with men. However there was one participant who acknowledged that her father’s absence had a negative influence on her current relationships with men.
Overall, the participants did not display any strong negative attitudes towards men, and they acknowledged that men were no different from women. Most of the participants also distanced themselves from generalising based on their own personal experiences. There was however a deviant case where one participant made a generalisation based on her experiences, perceiving men as selfish. Interestingly, the findings were contrary to research that suggests that paternal absence may have negative outcomes on a woman’s relationships with men (East et al., 2007).
Literature postulates that specifically women with absent fathers could long for male attention, affection and approval, and may start dating and engaging in sexual activity at an earlier age (Del Russo, 2009; East et al., 2007; Holborn & Eddy, 2011; Krohn & Bogan, 2001; Strauss, 2013).
Some females might end up with older men as they want to appease their yearning for a fatherly male in their lives (East et al., 2007). On the other hand, some fatherless daughters may tend to distance themselves from men, and may struggle to form intimate relationships with men
(Jackson, 2010) as a result of fear of being rejected and/or mistrust in men. The fear and mistrust may be embedded from their fathers abandoning them (East et al., 2007). Women without fathers may therefore have difficulty in accepting love and commitment from a man (East et al., 2007).
Some father absent women may be unsure of the dynamics between men and women within a relationship as they themselves have not witnessed an intimate men and women relationship before (between both their parents) and may thus struggle to handle their own relationships with men (East et al., 2007). For instance Bongi’s stance towards men is consistent with the fact that she struggles to understand what is expected of her when interacting with a man as she utters,
“I’d be kinda like< (.) ya:h submissive ↑and I’d be like ◦y:e:s◦ I get you’ ↑without challenging them=” (Bongi, interview B, lines 621-622). Bongi constructs herself as giving her male friends the upper hand and succumbs to their opinions without disputes, this is illustrated by the quieter (non-challenging) tone that she utters ◦y:e:s◦ in. It is suggested that Bongi might be unsure of how to handle herself when interacting with a man. The high pitch and increased volume emphasises that Bongi acknowledged and took ownership of the fact that she fails to challenges men. Here she was portraying herself as submissive to males.
It is evident that some females suffer in their relationships with men due to being fatherless. The term ‘father’ in Black communities is socially constructed as it is not necessarily limited to the biological father but can also apply to other men from the extended family and community (Kasese-Hara, 2004; Mkhize, 2006; Nduna & Sikweyiya, 2013). Such social fathers may aid in the struggles that women without fathers may encounter within their interpersonal relationships.
The women’s’ interaction with other males from their community may help them to learn how to handle their relationships with men, to be able to trust men and be able to accept love and
commitment from a man which they might otherwise not have been able to. The philosophy of communal child-rearing (Kasese-Hara, 2004; Mkhize, 2006) is in itself demonstrating Black resilience because it allows the fatherless to cope and adapt (through the availability of other community members who are willing to play the fatherly role) even if they do not have a
biological father present. Based on this suggestion, a Black fatherless female from an Africentric context may apply what she has learned from the men from her extended family and community in her relationships with other men. This means that the fatherless females might not necessarily yearn for male attention and affection as they may receive it from the males from their extended families and communities, who act responsively to the ‘fatherly’ term. Black fatherless females may also not show any signs of having any negative attitudes towards men as they have had contacts with other men who have played an appropriate male role that gave the females an apt idea of male dynamics and the dynamics between males and females. For instance Mbali brought forth an argument that men and women ought to be equally treated. She portrayed herself as an independent thinker, resilient to conforming to society. She presented herself as empowered and unwilling to follow the view that is generalised by society which is that men are somewhat superior to women. She uttered “I don’t put i-males in that certain bo:x, I put them as, as, as humans that also deserve love as much as (.) >↑also deserve attention as much as the females deserve <” (Mbali, interview A, lines 432-434). Mbali’s construction of gender equality might have been due to other males in her extended family and community that might have influenced her thinking patterns towards men.
“I’m more closer with men than with females and I think what influences that the most is that… my brother and I are the youngest so when we grew up we grew up togethe:r , you
know we used to play together uh yah, so I guess that’s why I prefer guy company”
(Sphe, Interview D, lines 373-375)
The above utterance from Sphe is another example that men (other than fathers) can have a positive influence on the extent to which fatherless females are resilient to the victimisation commonly associated with being fatherless. In fact, Sphe emphasises that she enjoys male company more so than female company. Theron (2013) asserts that support from social ecology is of importance in attempts to adjust well in life challenges. Adults are able to make their children or younger siblings feel valued and important and thus causing children without fathers not to feel powerless or lacking in any way (Theron, 2012). Community support can have a major influence on Black South African youth’s resilience against difficulties and challenges.
Good neighbours, peers and a school community can be a good platform for Black females to develop healthy relationships with men which are not characterised by fear or obsession.
Community resources such as these are helpful to Black father absent females as they can promote resilience and positive adjustment to being fatherless against the negative outcomes of male relationships that they might otherwise have.