4.10 Summary 87
5.3.5 Theme 5: What makes participants stay in abusive marriages/relationships 123
123 killing myself…but then I think of my mother, and I don‟t want to
leave her…but one day it might happen.” (Participant 10)
In reference to Afrocentric theory (Asante, 1990;2017) and Reverie‟s (2001) notions this relates to the particpants „Truths‟ or „Ukweli.‟ They have learnt to live with the abuse and understand it as their reality. They feel badly for themselves and their children. This is underpinned by how they perceive „Ujamaa,‟ Family-hood. Fundamentally, they expect IPV from their spouse as it is inherent to their experience of family. Some of the participants referred to lobola and their perception is that they have to „put up,‟ with the abuse because of this. This is their „Ukweli,‟ or „Truth however, I would state that this is a misunderstanding or misinterpretation of the real concept of lobola which is meant to bring a family together to create the spirit of „Ujamaa‟ (Family-Hood). This has happened because Eurocentric concepts (such as toxic-patriarchy) have become negatively intertwined with African traditions. These traditions and rituals are then interpreted outside a valid frame of reference such as Afrocentricity (Asante, 2017).
to grow up without a father which is supported in findings by Pain (2014) and Swadley (2017).
The following responses by participants underpin this theme.
“I stay with him and put up with his abuse because I had no money at first, I wasn‟t working; it isn‟t long since I started working…about five years or so. Another thing, I want my children to grow up with a father. It isn‟t easy when you have children to decide to leave your marriage because your partner does not treat you well. Also, your family will also tell you that‟s how life is; every marriage has problems, so you must persevere. I mean I can‟t go home as lobola was paid and the community would see my shame.‟‟ (Participant 1)
“He paid lobola for me. And I feel like I will lose everything I have worked for if I break up with him.‟‟ (Participant 2)
“The fear of starting a new life. I have been with him since I was 21[ years old]. So, starting life from scratch would be difficult and my family told me that I can never come back home [because lobola was paid].” (Participant 3)
“Our culture suggests that when you have a marriage problem, you don‟t return to your parents [lobola was paid] but you stay with your husband and solve the matter. If you return home, you are regarded as a failure. I can‟t even report the case to the police because it will look like I am spreading my family affairs to the whole nation. That is why I stay in my marriage.” (Participant 4)
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“I stay because my husband supports me and my children, he pays everything for us. My family and siblings they don‟t work, my husband sometimes helps them. Where would I go? What would I do? No, I must stay and just live with it [the abuse].” (Participant 5)
“My children make me stay. I can‟t leave they say it would be too much shame and they love their father. I no longer have a future, I‟m too old, leaving would be a waste of time. It‟s hard. I‟m not sure whether I would be able to manage alone.” (Participant 6).
“It‟s terrible [the abuse], but I cannot leave. I also think of my child.
I can‟t find a better man; all men are the same.” (Participant 7)
“[I stay] because I have children with him, if leave my children would suffer. They need to grow up next to their parents, there is no choice in this.‟‟ (Participant 8)
“I can‟t leave him although he didn‟t contribute [money or labour]
to developing my house on the stand that my parents gave me. No, he would take it from me and culturally that is right [facilitator asks and legally]. I don‟t know about that but where would legal help come from? The police? No, no one would help me.” (Participant 9)
“When I was young, I thought he loved me but after we married, I realised he was abusive. He threated to kill my mother if ever left
him. I think he would do this, so I stay. He also said he would beat her if I didn‟t do what he said. I ended up seeking help from the police and asked if they could help me find a place to stay. They weren‟t all that helpful, so I stayed because I was [and still am]
scared he‟d kill my mother. My neighbours do come and help me when they hear my screams when he is beating me, but they also say I must stay because marriage is pain.” (Participant 10)
In terms of Afrocentric culture (Asante, 1990) this theme is linked to participants cultural understandings of „Ujamaa‟ or „Family-Hood.‟ In this regard, it is associated with research findings that indicate that African women do not leave abusive marriages because they feel culturally bound to stay in them because lobola has been paid (Khomari et al., 2012; Shivambu, 2015). Fundamentally, I found that it is their „Truth‟ or „Ukweli.‟ Their truth is that an African woman who has had lobola paid to her family cannot leave unless the monies or goods are given back to the husband‟s family. According to Shivambu (2015), as well as the economic cost to her family the community she lives in is likely to shun her. The author states that this happens because African women are expected to put up with bad times in a marriage. Additionally, black South African families do not encourage divorce and generally motivate their female children to stay in a marriage even if it means enduring physical and emotional violence. This underpins the notion that the meanings of symbols and rituals in African culture have been distorted as they have been usurped by Eurocentricity (Chawane, 2016). The participants were threatened with death, beaten, and felt they had nowhere to go. I observed how defeated they felt and how their eyes welled up with tears when they discussed their truth with me. I remained sensitive to their perceptions of Tsonga culture and did not bring my own understandings of the history of the country and its devastating effects on all African cultures, as it may have been a barrier to our
127 relationship.