This is a story of one eighteen-year old young woman. It was one of the very heavy encounters I had with the pregnant young women. She was living in a home with a family that took her in after she was thrown out of her own family home. She was thrown out because her father,when he came home from the South African Mines,learned about her pregnancy. The home where she now stays is within Maseru. I had known about the case
of the girl previously and had been a regular visitor, so both the family and the girl had been in contact with me before.
I am eighteen years old. I left school a year and a halfago because I was pregnant. I was in Form B and that was my second year ofsecondary or high school education.
I had had this boyfriend of mine for some three years and I had come to trust him and relax without thinking one day he could be my enemy the way he has been. You see he has been my enemy and the enemy to my family. How can he make me fall pregnant and not take care of the baby and me by marrying me? This is my first child and I feel I should have had her in marriage instead of out of wedlock. I am a 'Mosotho'girl and I feel sorry for what I have done.
You see I have let my parents down,especially my mother who has been looking after me all the time my father was in the mines. My father is now home and I pity my mother because all the time I hear my father scold her and telling her that she raised me badly.
My mother did not raise me badly I know. Like all mothers she constantly warned me to be careful with boys to avoid pregnancy. I did think I was being careful but I do not know what happened and I gave in to making love with my boyfriend. I get very disturbed by the way people look at me lately, it is like they think I am a bad girl. I know that I am not bad but I think I was just unfortunate.Some girls that I know still have sexual encounters and they do not get pregnant. It is not like I expect people to be happy that I have this baby but also I wish they could not look at me with those eyes, like they think they know how I must have behaved and at times they say cruel things in my presence without directing the words to me. I am not able to answer back and I have learned to swallow my pain and keep quite.
I ran away from school after I discovered that I had missed my period for two months. I had to run away from school because things had started happening to me, like I was uncomfortable and experienced some vomiting at times. The teachers had called me into the staff room to ask about when I last had my periods and I lied about the dates. The
Karabo Mokobocho-Mohlakoana Chapter Seven:Memories Matter
way they looked at me, I could tell they knew I was hiding something. Because I was expecting, my tummy began to swell. I became afraid to wear my uniform. My skirt had been made to fit especially around the waist but by then it did not feel quite comfortable anymore and I hated the way it was getting tight.It would betray me. I did not know that I was surely pregnant, but I felt in my heart that I was.I did not tell anybody at school, I had to go somewhere to hide. I did not know where to go, but I had to go away from school.I thought ofrunning away to a very far place but I did not even know which place to think about.
Oh my poor mother, I thought about her all the time, how much I have let her down. I thought of running to my boyfriend's home and I did though I waited till it was a little late for fear that I might be disappointed ifhe threw me away and people witnessed that.
I asked a neighbour's son whom I met through my boyfriend to help. My boyfriend came and I shared my fears, he told me there and then that the pregnancy was my business and I had to take care ofit myself He could not take me in so I left even more stranded than I came. I had to walk to my home since it was in the same village.
That was the last time we talked about my possible pregnancy up to today. My father is not willing to take the usual steps of court cases because he says he does not want to be ashamed in front ofso many people. "What about ifthe boy will win the case?You girls are at times not trustworthy, who knows how many men you have been having sex with?"
and that hurts even more comingfrom my father.
I ran away from school in that manner. I could not face the people there because I felt sort ofdirty. I had lost my purity. My mother tried her best to comfort me and had to hide money from the family savings to support me with the baby after it was born. But you see it was difficult because my mother was not employed and my father beat her up more after this pregnancy. He said he knew we were stealing his money.
I am now at this home with this family where my baby and I are cared for and we have been here now for a whole year but we still go back to my home to visit. My father's
anger does not seem to subside and I continue to feel bad. While I am here I pray for my mother'ssafety.
I never thought about abortion, though at times because of all the troubles I have gone through I wish I had killed myself I would not live well knowing that I killed my child and the best thing would have been for both ofus to die.
The most painful thing I have experienced in all this is adding to the suffering of my mother and making life so bad between her and my father. I feel if anybody has to be punished it has to be me. It is painful to look at the other girls going to school. I cannot go because the teachers and students will gossip about me the way they have done to the other girls who remained in school till they were discovered. My baby is my happiness, much as he cannot yet properly talk, I confide in him and would share my deepest fears for both ofus.
Throughout this pregnancy I did not go to any clinic. My mother'ssister prepared herbs for me at home and I drank those to make the labour much easier. I have learned not to share about the pregnancy and I think people do not even want to hear your side of things so it does not help. They all think I lie about everything and they do not trust me.
In the home where I stay there is peace,I am here with my baby and the other children of the family and it is peaceful because everybody knows I have this baby and they do not ask questions.
These days I hear a lot about HIV and AIDS but I am not so sure ofexactly what is being said. I have heard that I need to get tested and check my blood for the virus. I do not even know where to get tested and I am afraid to know that I will die soon and leave my baby because I have nothing but him. I do not remember any talks about HIV and AIDS in my school. So even now I do not know whether I have the disease or not.
My church has been very understanding. This is why they allow me to attend normal services so that I realise that God loves us despite of becoming pregnant. I do not have
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any plans to go back to school. I just want to get financial assistance for my mother and my child. Marriage does not come to my mind, who would want to marry a girl like me anyway?
Yes I have heard about rights and going to school but you see I do not know what all that is. We do not talk about that when we are in the family.
My relationship with my friends is just not important, as I am not able to do things with them anymore so I really do not know how they feel about my pregnancy.