The final step is to ratify and consolidate the therapeutic changes brought about by the client. “How can you and I help dolly make those changes?” or “How can you start to put those changes into prac-tice?”
In sum, it is a process of listening to children’s language, listening to their level of experience, lis-tening to their style of thinking, and joining them on their journey, much as you might fall into the style and pace of a friend while out walking together. Once you have this step-by-step process for at-tuning yourself to a child’s self-generated metaphors, you have a simple and effective tool that helps validate the child’s experience, builds the therapeutic bond, and provides the basis for the child to de-velop empowering strategies for change.
COLLABORATIVE TALES
When tales are developed collaboratively with a child they have more therapeutic impact than if they are seen to be imposed by the therapist, because the child is an active participant in the creation of the story, the resolution of the problem, and the attainment of the outcome. Collaboration in story-telling can be gained by some simple strategies.
Involve the Child in the Telling
Once you have commenced the story with a problem that may parallel that faced by the child, it is possible to ask, “What do you think happens next?” Keep the child exploring possible solutions with questions that presuppose a satisfactory outcome, such as “What does the character need to do to fix
EXERCISE 3.7
■ Listen to the child’s own story.
■ What is the language he or she uses?
■ Join the language or metaphor of the child and start to shape the story toward the de-sired outcome, perhaps using the steps described by Kopp (1995).
this problem?” “How do you think he or she wants to think, feel or behave?” or “What would he or she have to do to get out of this trouble and be happy again?”
Set a Homework Assignment
If you know a child has enjoyed a recent Harry Potter movie and is currently facing a problem of feel-ing socially ostracized at school, you may set up a homework assignment by talkfeel-ing about Harry Pot-ter’s returning to school. Did he feel different because of who he is? Was he picked on by some of the students (being specific)? Were there others who liked and appreciated him (finding exceptions to the problem)?
The child can be asked to go home and complete the story before the next session, exploring questions like “Who do you think can help him solve this problem?” “What will he/they need to do to overcome it?” and “What will be the outcome and how do you think they are going to feel when they get there?” If the child is old enough, and has the appropriate literary skills, he or she may be asked to write about the story. If the child has good verbal skills you may ask him or her to come back and tell you the completion of the story at the next session. If the child’s talents are more in the artis-tic area, he or she might be asked to draw a story of the characters and processes that take the story through to completion. You do not need to specify which medium a child uses, but allow the choice of each child’s own mode of expression.
TO DISCUSS OR NOT TO DISCUSS?
That is the question. Do you talk with children about the story after you have told it or not? In the literature you will find some different opinions about whether it should be discussed afterward, with perhaps the majority opting to “let the story tell its own tale.” Berg and Steiner (2003, p. 82), for ex-ample, state emphatically, “After you finish reading the story, make sure there is no discussion about it—just read the story and then end the session. There should be no discussion about what the story meant to the child; trust their intuitive ways to understand the meaning and to find useful ways to incorporate this story to their life situations.” This is indeed the type of directive I was given in my early metaphor training.
Such metaphor practitioners consider that discussing the steps for resolution may tend to impose
TOOLS & TECHNIQUES
EXERCISE 3.8
■ Invite the child to join you as an active creator of the story.
■ Rather than have a fixed direction for the story in your own mind, ask the child ques-tions.
■ Seek his or her solutions.
■ Incorporate the child’s ideas. Test them out in the story.
■ Be flexible and adaptive in your approach.
the storyteller’s ideas rather than allow the listener to search for his or her own meaning—and this is a real concern about which we need to be cognizant. Obviously, if the child is contemplating the meaning of the story or appears reluctant to discuss it, that response needs to be respected. Some-times it may be better to allow listeners to engage in their own search for meaning than to interrupt what might be a useful time of processing.
On the other hand, there are metaphor therapists who consider that discussing the story helps make it practical and relevant for the child. I do not know that there is any hard or fast rule on this issue. It is not about having a rule that you always follow, as suggested by Berg and Steiner, but more a matter of listening to the needs of the child. If the child wants to talk about the story, not doing so seems to devalue his or her needs. If the child says something like, “It was funny when the little li-oness found she could roar as loud as the other lions,” or “I liked it when the lonely, lost little bear found his way out of the forest,” the child may be opening the way to talk about his or her own ex-perience of the tale. This gives a therapeutic opportunity to follow up with some outcome-directed questions like, “What was the most helpful thing the lioness or little bear did to help fix the prob-lem?” or “If those characters were in a similar situation in the future what do you think would work best for them then?” This is not interpreting the story for the child but helping listeners find means for applying their own important learning from the story.
I think part of the confusion here arises out of the fact that two issues are involved and often get lumped together without being clearly differentiated. The first is the meaning the child attributes to the story. It is important to bear in mind that there is no one necessary conclusion or outcome, and that the intent that you had in telling the story may not be the message that the child derives from it.
Healing stories are likely to have their greatest impact when you assist listeners to seek, and find, their own meaning—and that may be by quietly letting them discover it for themselves.
The second consideration has to do with how the child incorporates that learning in a useful and practical manner. Here some discussion and guidance may help the child take a valuable learning or insight and apply it usefully for the resolution of his or her problem.
Healing Stories, Teaching Stories
M
ilton Erickson claimed that every child has a driving need to learn and discover, that every stim-ulus constitutes for the child a possible opportunity to respond in some new way (1980), from which we may conclude that pediatric psychotherapy’s goal is appropriately directed at facilitating and enriching such learning opportunities. Learning how to learn is one of life’s essential skills, equip-ping the child with knowledge, shared experiences, strategies for coequip-ping, meaning, enjoyment, and well-being in life. My definition of learning, thus, goes beyond the three R’s that are the basis of our educational systems to include building on and utilizing the child’s natural curiosity and desire to learn as a foundation for the acquisition of values, prosocial behaviors, problem-solving strategies, and other necessary attributes that are incorporated—or not—during childhood.In this chapter I have provided stories about empowering children to make a difference, about developing positive attitudes toward life circumstances, and about learning to be self-reliant. There are stories about learning to use the skills, resources, and abilities a child has available, as well as about how to take a realistic approach to being happy (Burns & Street, 2003; Seligman, 2002).
STORY 2
KIDS CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE: A KID STORY Therapeutic Characteristics
Problems Addressed
■ Feeling helpless
■ Feeling powerless
■ Seeing what you can’t do
Enriching Learning
Resources Developed
■ Caring for others
■ Acting with kindness
■ Believing you can help
■ Taking the first step Outcomes Offered
■ The joy of caring
■ Discovery of your own abilities
■ The rewards of kindness
I am sure you have heard the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears—but have you heard of Grandpa and the Four Bears? When Goldilocks visited, a long time ago, there were only three bears.
Now there are four—Little Bear, Big Brother Bear, Mama Bear, and Papa Bear. Since Goldilocks’
visit, Grandpa Bear had come to stay with the Bear family, too. He was a frail old bear whose coat had turned gray, whose paws shook when he tried to eat, and whose shoulders bent forward as if he was tired of standing.
Little Bear loved Grandpa Bear. Grandpa Bear always listened to Little Bear when everyone else was too busy rushing off to gather honey or something. Grandpa Bear would never say “No” when Little Bear wanted to sit quietly on his lap and be told a story . . . and Grandpa Bear had some great stories.
Little Bear also felt sorry for Grandpa Bear, whose paws shook so much at times that his spoon might miss his mouth and spill porridge all over his fur. Sometimes he would drop his bowl on the hard floor, smashing the bowl and making a big mess.
Mama Bear and Papa Bear would get annoyed with him. Apart from the fact that he was break-ing the all bowls Goldilocks had made famous in her story, they had to clean up after him. “As if there isn’t enough for us to do already,” they would complain.
Big Brother Bear would say things like, “Grandpa Bear’s got CRAFT’s disease—He Can’t Re-member A Flaming Thing,” and laugh out loud. Little Bear knew Big Brother Bear was teasing her, but still it hurt and she hated him for it. She wanted to help Grandpa Bear, but what could she do?
One day when Grandpa Bear had dropped his bowl yet again, Little Bear got down on the floor and picked up all the pieces. She then asked Papa Bear if he had any glue.
“Why do you want glue?” asked Papa Bear.
“So I can stick Grandpa Bear’s bowl back together and keep it for you and Mama when I have grown up,” answered Little Bear.
Papa Bear quietly sat back in his Papa-Bear chair and looked at Mama Bear in her Mama-Bear chair. For a moment they just looked at each other. After that Little Bear noticed they were kinder to Grandpa Bear. They bought him a special grandpa plastic bowl that wouldn’t slip off the table so easily and wouldn’t break if he did drop it. They didn’t seem to care so much if he spilled porridge down his fur or made a mess on the tablecloth. They talked to him more and listened to his stories, even if they had heard them before.
So our story has a happy ending. With thanks to Little Bear, Mama Bear and Papa Bear were happier. Big Brother Bear . . . well, he was much the same as he always was. Grandpa Bear was cer-tainly happier. And Little Bear was happier, too.
STORY 3
KIDS CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE: A TEEN STORY Therapeutic Characteristics
Problems Addressed
■ Feeling helpless
■ Feeling powerless
■ Seeing what you can’t do
■ Having goals too high or too distant Resources Developed
■ Appreciating what you have
■ Caring for others
■ Looking for solutions
■ Sharing what you have
■ Believing in your abilities
■ Building resources step-by-step Outcomes Offered
■ The joy of caring
■ Discovery of your own abilities
■ The values of community
■ The rewards of kindness
You know, sometimes when you are a kid, it is easy to feel pretty helpless or powerless. Indeed, if you stop and think about it, there are so many things that you can’t do. You can’t stay up as late as your bigger brother or sister. You can’t play sports as well as your football or basketball heroes. You can’t do some of the stunts that other kids do at the skate park. You can’t get the results at school that your parents seem to expect that you should. Sometimes it is hard to see that you even have the po-tential to develop any of these abilities. How could you ever get to be a league football player when you fumble every time you try to pick up the ball? What you want to achieve may seem such a long way in the future that it feels you will never reach it.
Well, I once heard an inspiring story—a true story, I believe—about a boy named Trevor. It shows there are little things kids can do that make a big difference. One night Trevor was doing what a lot of other 13-year-old kids would be doing: He was watching TV. On the news he saw a story about some homeless people sleeping out in the cold on the streets, in a downtown area of Philadel-phia where he lived. Trevor had never really stopped to think how fortunate he was to live in a fairly well-to-do suburb of the same city. The story of the homeless people touched his heart and he be-gan to wonder what he could do to help these people.
It might have been easy for Trevor to forget about it. There are so many sad stories that you see on TV at times. This could have been just another that he ignored.
Trevor also might have thought, Well, what can I do about it? I’m just a kid, but he didn’t. Instead
ENRICHING LEARNING
he began to wonder how he might help and that led him to remember there were some spare, un-used blankets in their garage. So he went to his father and asked if he could take them to the people downtown who had no homes to go to for the night.
Trevor’s father might have thought the request a bit strange. It is easy for us to want to hang on to the things that we have, easy for adults to think that they’ve worked hard to get what they own, so why should they give it away? I guess it is much the same as a kid thinking, It took a long time to save up my pocket money to help buy this new bike, so why should I lend it to a friend who needs to get home in a hurry?
Now, Trevor’s dad was a kind-hearted guy. He drove Trevor downtown to hand out their few surplus blankets to some of the people on the streets. I guess when it came time to curl up and sleep that night the people were pretty happy for the added warmth of the new blankets.
Trevor was happy, too. He felt good about giving out the blankets. He felt an inner warmth, al-most like he had been wrapped up in an emotional blanket himself. But he realized there was a risk—
it might feel so good that you’d want to do it again.
The next day Trevor went to his local grocery store and other public places in his neighborhood where there were notice boards. He put up signs asking for people to donate any spare blankets or food they didn’t need. The result was surprising. Kindness was contagious. Trevor found so many people were willing to help that within a week he had filled his dad’s garage with food and blankets.
What Trevor had started with his kindness grew and spread throughout the community. It wasn’t long before people’s generosity overflowed from his dad’s garage and Trevor and his dad had to look for a bigger building to house all the gifts being donated. Would you believe there are now a number of special warehouses throughout Philadelphia that stock food and blankets to feed and warm the home-less? They are all called “Trevor’s Place.”
STORY 4
FEED WHAT YOU WANT TO GROW Therapeutic Characteristics
Problems Addressed
■ Feelings of inner conflict
■ Struggling between others and self
■ Kindness versus greed
■ Love versus hatred Resources Developed
■ Developing awareness of the conflict
■ Separating out the struggle
■ Nurturing what you want to grow
■ Building responsibility
Outcomes Offered
■ Nurturing yourself
■ Nurturing positive values
■ Finding resolutions for inner conflict
A grandfather sat down on a rock in the sunshine beside a babbling stream with his grandson.
“Tell me a story,” asked the grandson.
“This is a story about two wolves,” said the grandfather. “As we grow up it sometimes feels like there are two wolves inside us struggling to take control. You might imagine the first wolf with soft gray hair, a kindly look in its eyes, and maybe even a gentle smile on its mouth. It is a wolf that hardly ever bares its teeth and is willing to stand back to let the little ones feed. We might call this the wolf of peace, love, and kindness, for the wolf thinks that, if we all live peacefully with each other, every animal and every human will be a lot happier.
“For this wolf, love is what matters more than anything else. You see, it knows that without love our world of animals and humans would cease to exist. It is because a mother loves her baby that she cares for it, feeds it, clothes it, shelters it, and protects it from danger. We arrive in the world as an act of love and we grow through the love that parents show us. We long to be loved and our lives are nurtured and enriched when we love and are loved in return.
“The wolf, too, seems to know that kindness is part of that love. When we are kind to others they are likely—though not always—to show kindness back to us. Smile at someone and there is a good chance they will smile back. Go out of your way to be helpful and the one you help is more likely to help you when you need it. Wolves are a bit like humans and live in groups. They mix with each other and, generally, feel better when they are mixing in a warm, harmonious way.
“But,” continued the grandfather, “let’s imagine that there is another wolf in the pack who doesn’t think the same way. This wolf has a really mean, nasty face. It pulls back its lips at times to bare its teeth threateningly toward other animals. When it does they usually feel fear rather than love and respect, for this is the wolf of fear, greed, and hatred. Maybe it is frightened or afraid, and that’s why it’s always on guard. Unfortunately, it hasn’t learned that by being so angry or aggressive to oth-ers, by thinking of who or what it hates rather than who or what it loves, it builds a lot of bad feel-ings in itself and among the other wolves. This wolf is out for number one, whereas the wolf of peace, love, and kindness is looking out for others’ happiness and well-being as well as its own.
“As you can imagine, two such wolves in a pack might be in a struggle to see which one gets its way. The wolf of peace, love, and kindness wants to share those values with everyone, but the wolf of fear, greed, and hatred cares only for itself. It feels bad in itself and leaves the others around it feel-ing bad.
“Let us continue to imagine,” said the grandfather, “that two such wolves are in a struggle inside you.”
The little boy looked up at his grandfather, wide-eyed. “Which one will win?” he asked eagerly.
The grandfather looked down, kindness in his eyes, softness in his voice, and answered,
“Whichever one you feed.”
ENRICHING LEARNING