Jogging home from the city the other night I, poor, weary strap-hanger, alternately stood on my own feet and somebody else's, and, in between, "strap- hung." And every time the tram stopped we synchronously swayed forward.
and every time it started we tipsily swung back again. No doubt, had the tram side-stepped—an impossible levity with a Caledonian taskmaster---we should have politely sat us down on the ladies' laps, or where these used to be, bless their little hearts.
How long this would have continued the Lord knows, but suddenly a thought leapt into my mind—the saying of a , great surgeon reported to be seen at the A.H. "Cultivate observation," he said." "Now, how many windows were there in your tram this morning ? What ! don't know ? Where's my little book !"
So, great surgeon, great mind, great thought, I glanced a tthe windows for count- ing purposes.
It was then that I saw the lump—there was a man on the other side of it.
I think he must have owned it, for when he tilted forward the lump came too, and when he retreated it followed him. "A lump, a lump," I cried (to my- self, of course--I had paid my fare). "My kingdom for a lump." Undoubtedly this gentleman had a lump on the right side of his face. A gentleman ? As far as I could see, yes—a swelling, certainty.
The conductor clove us in twain; the man with the lump pushed in on me.
Yes, aged 45—and, by the way he puts his small change in his trousers, i.e..
most inaccessible, pocket—married, and, therefore, probably with a family, altho' this last is a bad deduction either way. No doubt, too, in bed he would be that
"well-nourished man lying easily in bed" that we read such a lot of (they lie just as easily anywhere else tho').
Gone were the fascinations of ladies' laps and where they used to he—the attraction of underclothing advertisements, the zest of counting windows. Win- dows, egad ! No, sir ! Size, shape, position, nature, etc. Size ?—That of an egg (useful thing the egg—beats the walnut hollow because it comes out in so many sizes). Shape—Symmetrically rounded. Therefore, it can't be any of those things that are not symmetrically rounded. Nature ?—A little more difficult still.
Is it hard ?—Looks it. Tender to touch—Perhaps ; for he doesn't touch it him- self, and certainly won't let anybody else touch it. Fluctuate ?---I'd like to know.
Skin move over it ?—God, my fingers were itching to get on to it. Suddenly the tram stopped : out went my hand : but convention forbade me palpating. I was near enough, though, to see hair growing on it—I've seen this grow= on many likely and unlikely places—so I thought, Spine. bifida occult-a? No fool ! Ah!
I saw it move when he yawned—no epithelioma then--and besides, having already scientifically walked on his boots, which were full of feet, I disposed of my idea of secondaries there. To see the inside of his mouth! Let's ask him for a match and see. Don't think I wanted to hold the burning torch of a match aloft and peer into his abysmal oral cavity. I wanted him to say something so that I could eliminate dentiferous cysts, extra dentitions, and all the other things one airily eliminates.
But the trammie pushed through us again—mostly thro' me, I thought—
and I forgot. But my mind, wandering through hidden byways of thought, hit on a great thing. I looked at the lump again, and thought, "Yes, it's a hyper- trophy of that pad of fat lying between the huccinator and masseter muscles, and
THE SPECULUM. 67
called by one R. J. Berry, "the sucking pad." Fool, that I didn't think of my anatomy first.
I had only to ask him a few questions to confirm it. Of course, it is rather hard to obtain the sucking history of an adult. They're either forgotten it or they may even deny it. Anyway, it's a ticklish subject—.I mean the history is.
So I said, "I see by the Herald, some doctor chap reckons we should drink more milk"—some ejaculation from -the man. "Good stuff, milk," I said; "used to drink a lot of it myself once—lived on it for a year once," I said, to make con- versation. "Do you like milk ?" I added. He looked at me (ah, he's rising to the bait). "Drunk much of it in your time?" I inquired. He snapped the bait.
"Well, I dunno," he said, staring at me in a peculiarly suspicious way (I've got it at last, I thought), "I allus try me teeth on this 'ere stuff." Whereupon he delved one finger into the lumpy side of his mouth (horrors, I thought, I don't want to see his sucking pad), and hauled out a thick gummy-looking substance, about the size of an egg. This he deftly stretched to 2 feet, then cleverly whirled it in the air, knotting it in five places, and finally dropped it into the other side of his mouth.
Good Lord, that was the lump. "Good stuff, this Spearmint," he said ;
"don't generally use as much as that."
I felt there was a mistake somewhere, but pulled myself together. My eyes were misty, my feet wembly, but I very cutely covered up my slip by asking how many windows he thought the tram had. "I know a chap that wants to know,"
I said. He looked at me queerly, and smiled at a workman opposite. "Twice the number on each side," he said solemnly. "Thanks," I said, and got off at the next stop.
Thought I, "Well, I'll just tell McC that when I see him."
—H.A.P.
0
,t:,,,,: 'elm.RHYMED RUGOSITIES.
She frowned on him and called him Mr.
Because in merry sport he kr ; And so in spite
That very night This horrid Mr. kr. sr.
—Women's Mirror.
There was a sweet maid of J unee, Whom 1 once took to afternoon tea.
Her rumblings abdominal Were something phenomenal, And everyone thought it was me.
0
There was a young man of Lake Chad.
Whose second'ry symptoms looked bad:
With Tr6pol they filled him, Which --- near killed him, And Scabies was all that he had!
A medicine man of high renown Was carrying some sausages;
He stepped on one, and, sitting down.
Luxated his Os-occigis.
" —, Chinese Herbalist, treats all complaints of both sexes—internal and external--successfully."—Argus.
A little confused with Bilharzia ffiematobia, apparently.
Chinese Herbalist. Piles and all other complaints."--Argus.
The White Man's burden is nothing to this !
El El 0 1:3 El
Obstetrics Made Easy.—Honorary : "What would you do in a case of breech presentation ?"
Bright Student : "Put on a poultice and bring it to a head."
Obstetrical Sister (after labour) : "Would you sooner have a little boy or a little girl, mother?"
Weary Mother: "Neither."
Bright Onlooker :' "All prizes, no blanks, in this establishment, Madam!"
0
The Bride: "Did I look very anxious in church, darling?"
The Cat : "Not after he said '1 !"
—Women's
0 0 0 0
A.: "I hear your wife fell over a banana-skin yesterday ?"
B.: "Yes, just my luck—outside a hatshop—and they carried her in."
0 0
We learn from a contemporary that "trousers are being worn longer this year " We know, but the question that troubles us is : How much longer they can be worn before hernia of the shirt becomes a complication?
THE SPECULUM. 69
"A contemporary states that wild cats are still to he found in many parts of Scotland. Driven wild, we presume, by the ceaseless skirling of the bagpipes."
—London Punch..
Another reason has been assigned to account for a similar phenomenon in the African species.
O 0 0 0 0
The Chemist (glancing at a Hst. O. et E c Strych. 'scrip.) : "Is this for a
`mis'?"
The Man : "No; it's for the wife."
O 0 0 0
Frost : "What's the female of mail cart ?"
Soph : "Miscarriage, of course."
O 0 0 0
Student (approaching patient wearing headphones) : "Have you got K.D.K.A.?"
Patient : - "Oh, no; "I think they call it cystitis !"
O 0 0 0 0
"You swim well," he said. "Yes," she answered ; "I was once on the streets of Venice."
O 0 0
Lady : "V\Thy have they let all the monkeys out of their cages ?"
Zoo Attendant : "Holiday, mum. This is Darwin's birthday."
—Stanford IT hi
O 0 0 0 0
BRIGHT SPOTS FROM A RECENT PATHOLOGY EXAMINATION.
"The cirrhotic liver may weigh 110 lbs."
"Pneumococci are differentiated from gonococci by the fact that the former, on injection into the urethra, do not produce a discharge." (A clear case for the Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.)
"Blood was then damned back." (So, incidentally was the candidate.)
"To test the agglutination of different types of pneumococci, take four tall glass jars, put a suspension of each type in each glass jar, etc." (And listen for the bump on the bottom. A chance for Mr. Heath Robinson.)
"The injection of the duodenal contents of a pernicious anemia patient into a normal patient causes anaemia."
"The heads of scolices can be observed in life popping in and out as the mood seizes them." (High jinks in a cyst.)
"Rupture of a cyst into the intestine causes galena." (Hence that leaden- hued appearance.)
"Enlarged prostate occurs in males."
"This form of cirrhotic liver is known as the spiritual type" (and leads to a heavenly end.)
What every student knows : "Opposite the second molar tooth," "bold columnar fashion," "like wind-marks on sand."
A. B. Hewitt.—Doing well. G.P., Koo-wee-rup. Married.
Bill Borland.—Engaged.
Harold Charlton.—Married. Fixing them up at Horsham.
Frank May.—Married. G.P. at Blackburn.
Jock Anderson.—Senior M.O. Duff House, Wales. Very exclusive.
Adrian Farmer.—Two male offspring.
Tom Hoggarth.—Son. G.P., Surrey Hills.
Frank Ross Women's.
Tom Neale
Tom Cowling Homcepathic.
Alf. Jacobs Cliff Craig Margaret Ashton
Resident at Kid's.
Mona Blanche Eric Bailhache Jack Spalding
Don Pryde.—Married. Now practising at Warragul.
Kath. Daley Gone the way of all flesh.
Alan Waterhouse To practise at Bright. Hoping for dangerous tobog- ganing this season.
Doug. McKenzie.—Ship's surgeon--off to China and Japan.
George Berham.—R.M.O., Eye and Ear. Dead nuts with the intra-tracheal.
Jean Littlejohn.—Brass plate at top of Collins Street. Also clinical assistant at Eye and Ear.
Jean MacNamara.—Curing kids in Collins Street. Reports 25 per cent. of cases with erythreedema.
Shirley Francis.—Still at Belgrave.
Hedley Summons.—Helping Vic. Hurley in Melbourne O.P. Large placard at Mont Albert.
Tom Millar.—Still married. Ivanhoe and Eye and Ear. Punishes an Amilcar.
Bob Bladen —Mitigating measles as R.M.O. at Fairfield.
HE SPECULUM. 71 Henry haling.—Filling in time at Austin. Reputed to be living on the fat of
the land,
Pat Fitzpatrick.—Also still married. Collecting the currency somewhere in Tassv.
Otto Hirchfield.—Brisbane, Queensland.
Jim Buchanan.—Coaches "Shop" eights in spare time.
Jack Eccles.—Victorian pole jump champion, and shining light of the Medical School. Off to .the cold country with a perfectly good Rhodes Schol.
Heartiest congrats.
Dick Saltau.—Super, at Women's.
Andy McKenna.—R.M.O., Melbourne Hospital. In hot pursuit of an M.D.
Dave Neville.—Married. Doctoring 'em at Heywood.
Jimmy Barrett.—Still corresponds with the morning dailies.
W. G. D. Upjohn.—Takes over surgical wards at the Children's. Still showing students how in Melbourne Hospital O.P.
Byron Stanton.—Off to England.
Jock Grieve.—Also indoors at Kid's.
Tommy Sinclair.—Back from Blighty. Putting the boot into fourth year public health.
J. S Green.—Honorary at Women's. Demonstrates the how and wherefore to students.
Ron Davidson.—Last heard of somewhere in W.A.
K. H. Hadley.—Married Tuesday. Sailed Thursday homeward for a honey- moon and F.R.C.S.
Paul Hopkins.—Married. Super., Mackay Hospital, Queensland.
John Barnaby.—R.M 0., Warrnambool D.H.
Henry Judkins.—New Guinea.
Geoff. Penington.—Private, Hawthorn.
George • Simpson.—Deserts his Ford and the babies for a trip to Central Aus- tralia, Thereafter to England.
Bea. Warner.—Brisbane, Q.
Dr. Wright-Smith is reported to be still seeing interesting cases at the Melbourne.
Ian Cameron.—G.P., Mornington.
Len Ball.—Austin.
K. T. McLeod.—Setting them right at Beaufort.
"Beetle" Burwood.—Private, Maryborough.
"Lofty" Sharland.—Married. Mitiamo.
Brian Woods.—Married. Wedderburn.
Bert Coates.—Stewart lecturer in anatomy, also private practice, Camberwell.
Marion Wanliss ) Last heard of at Heidelberg, Germany. On way to Eng- Lucy Bryce . land, via India, Egypt, Palestine, etc.
Jack Cockerill.—Helping with Wassermans at "Shop" bacteriology lab.
Les. Freemantle.—Trip round N.W. Australia. Returning to kid's dept., Perth Hospital.
Cyril Cook.—Ipswich, Q. Doing well.
John Blair.—Married a doctor.
Dave Neville.—G.P , S.A. border.
R. Davidson—Left Perth. Practise c uncle, Castlemaine.
Sid Swanton.—Year at Perth General. Fiancée.
John Barnaby.—Warrnambool D.H.
Brie Birtand.—Wangaratta D.H.
Ian Hart.—Geelong.
Col. Colquhoun.—Heard of somewhere between Ararat and Maryborough.
Doing well.
Leo Tighe.—Elwood. Assistant Jock Grieve St. V.H.
Laurier Lemon.—West Brunswick.
Jim Shelton.—Carnegie. Jim's yarns are missed at St. V.'s.
Bill Henrichsen.—Northcote. Married.
Boo O'Donnell.—Back from Adelaide Hospital.
jack Kieran.—Gone to China for a trip.
Val. Podger.—Cranbourne. Married.
"Bucko." Bourke.—Outback, Queensland.
Norm. O'Connor.—Insurance work, Queensland.
Frank Loughnan.—Engaged.
Jack Hough.—Outback, Westralia.
Jack O'Sullivan.—X-ray, England.
"Scotch" Fulton.—Geelong. Still plays golf.
Harry Furnell.—Abbotsford. Married.
Billy Flynn.—North Melbourne. To he married shortly.
Ted. Prendergast.—Ripponlea. M.S. in sight.
Ern Burston.—Eye and Ear. Who said he was engaged?
Ray Smith.—Married W.A.
Don Nance.—Colac. Caravan tour for honeymoon.
Keith Doig.—Colac. Still tennis enthuSiast.
Leo. Doyle.—Collins Street. Back after 12 months in Europe.
Jerry Doyle.—St. Arnaud.
Doug. Greenham. Corryong. Just had six weeks' holiday.
Tommy Burns.—Wandering about N.S.W.
Andy Brennan.—Collins Street. Picked all the winners Sydney Easter.
"Choom" Hanley.—Watchem.
Bill Flanagan.—Donald. Married.
Arthur Crowley.—Down from Queensland. Starting in I elbourne.
Dick Ebsworth.—Left Echuca, Now Murrumbeena.
Jack Kennedy.—Shepparton.
Jack Daly.--Northcote. Picked the card Sydney, Easter.
Jack Horgan.—Preston.
Jock Grieve.—Indoors, Children's ; 0.P., St. V.'s ; Collins Street.
Lux Meagher.—Doing the Continent.
Frank Benson.—Locums.
Jack Cahill:—North Fitzroy.
Ben Quinn.—With Tom Noonan, Caulfield.
Dan McSweeney.—Queensland.
Frank BlaCkall.—South Melbourne. Married.
Vin. O'Grady.—Windsor. Still has time to go to Sydney races.
Bill O'Shaughnessy.—Kew. All the latest theories.
Eddie Mahon.—Camberwell.
J. Grantley Shelton.--Malvern. Scarcely room for all the family in the Buick.
Bill Newing.—Clifton Hill.
Les. Freemantle, Arthur Hill, Alf. Johnstone, Geo. Gibb-Maitland, Percy White, Fred Vincent.—All residents at Perth Public.
Albert Danis.—Yarloop. Private.
Harry Thorne, Guido Mayerhoper.—Residents, Perth Kid's.
THE SPECULLAI. 73
Tom Nihill.—Ouyen. Why buy a house ? Tom Tighe.—With Tom Ryan. Nhill.
Frank Grant.—Wodonga. Married. Family.
Dick Ley, Len. Johnson.—Partnership, Wagga.
Olaf De Lacy.—Finley.
George Brew.—Essendon.
Phil. Commons.—Doncaster.
Frank Matthews.—Locums.
Jack Little.—Mater., Brisbane.
Jim Mulcahy.—Mater., Brisbane.
Charlie Byrne.—Married. Culgoa.
Kevin O'Day.—England.
Frank D'Arcy.—Married. South Yarra.
Jack O'Keefe.—Brunswick.
Harry Williams.—Brunswick. Back from Europe.
Vin. Parer.—North Fitzroy.
Bill Collopy.—Married. Merino.
Harry Mortensen, Lorna Bray.—Married. Yarrawonga.
Harrie Lee.—Chasing flies in South Africa.
Jack Gorman.—Kyneton Hospital.
Pat Gorman.—Oaklands, N.S.W. Married.
Kevin Bush.—British Phosphate Company, Ocean Island.
Johnny Byrne.—Yarraville. Still plays poker.
Kevin McCarthy.—Footscray. Married.
Mick Healy.—Footscray. Too busy to go to Sydney at Easter.
Tom King.—St. Kilda. Recuperating after tonsillectomy.
Colin Macdonald..--Doing diplomas in X-ray. Home shortly.
Henry Searby.—Doing FJZ.C.S., England.
Charles Osborne.—F.R.C.S. Returning via America.
Ray Hennessy.—Finishing up his surgical activities in London.
Cliff. Ellingsworth.—Declares that he is married to the West London.
Gillies Wynne.—Doing bronchoscopies in Vienna.
Les. Diggle.—Going for English Fellowship.
"Bunny" Cato.—Somewhere in France with wife and family.
Vic Wallace.—Super. at East London Children's Hospital.
Barney Yoffa.—Doing the Dublin rotunda stunt.
Guy Springthorpe, Lawrence Stokes.—In Glasgow. Playing golf when not doing kids.
txthanges.
The University of Toronto Medical Journal, January and March, 1924, Feb- ruary, 1925. Mouth Mirror, flay, 1925. Hermes (Sydney), Lent, 1925. The Alfred, March and June, 1925.