THE SPECULUM. 57 On various occasions I have been struck by the horse-sense of honoraries.
One warns you not to marry the girl of your desire if she proves to have visceroptosis. Another advises : "If he is a sailor, take a Wassermann." A third, who is very particular about getting the finer details of a history, carried out the following terse interrogation in my hearing :—
Doctor : "And how are you feeling since the cart ran over you?"
Patient: "Not too good, doctor."
D.: "Not too good ? Why, man, you are looking the picture of health !"
P. (sadly) : "Ah ! but you forget, doctor, that I lost a stone !"
D. (alertly) : "When—at the time of the accident?"
The hockey match, Residents v. Students, played in the vac., resulted in an easy win for the residents who look suspiciously like a practised team, It would be difficult to pick out best players in a so uniformly canny side, but for the Students, Perc. Houghton, full-back, stood out as a prodigy of slogging effi- ciency. The subsequent refreshment was much enjoyed.
The Honoraries' dance in April, and the Residents' in June, are now but pleasant memories. Both were blessed with a success that came early, and a moon that came along later. To those new to A.R. festivities, not the least cap- tivating study was the metamorphosis of the nurse. The familiar figure in low heels and a super-reproachable uniform became a vision in silks and a shingle, floating on high heels with a spirit of joyousness. It was great fun gazing on each butterfly, and seeing if you could pick her chrysalis.
An entertaining feature of both dances were the speeches given by the Resi- dents. On each occasion the giant of oratory was Dr. \Veigall, who spoke bitingly and to the point. Dr. Ball shouldered some of the burden in the last hop, and Dr. Brown in the first beat all records for a speedy delivery--45 seconds.
To the Residents who are leaving us, the very best of luck for the future.
Their successors have something to live up to.
In conclusion, we express our gratitude to those members of the hospital staff who have so generously fortified the soda of our academic existence with the whisky of social intercourse.
St. Vincent's 'Rotes.
A small but select band remain to carry on the great traditions of the past, the paucity of numbers being very noticeable amongst the fourth year men, which is unfortunate, as it is necessary for the senior men to get their own lunches. The fifth year started the year well with a holiday at Reggie's chalet, the pleasures of which palled after the hectic delights of Rosebud. Foley's dis- covery, that a large infant can be delivered in the transverse without a tear, was the discovery of the year, whilst Austin has not yet recovered from his ex- periences on the big dipper. He had to be carried on or off—we forgot which.
However, after several weeks of the Eskimo life—eating, sleeping, f-f-f-ooling, etc.—there were no regrets when we returned to St. V.'s, rather a feeling of satisfaction that we had helped to improve Victoria's vital statistics.
The delight of seeing old faces was particularly felt by Zac, whose heart and spare time are still well in evidence in the corridors of the O.P.D. We have no lack of heart specialists, the mantle of Sir James Mackenzie falling with no loss of splendour on the broad shoulders of Henry Lockington.
We have great pleasure in congratulating the former fifth year on their performances in the finals, especially Jack Eccles, the Rhodes Scholar. Tom
Greening was unfortunate in being in the same year with Dr. Eccles, but was not far behind him in the honour lists. Our former energetic librarian, Alan Keane, is doing gastro-enterostomies in Adelaide, not to mention ingrowing toe- nails. His absence shows the truth of the saying, "While the cat's away the mice will play," is only too evident, as the library is the abode of our best speakers, mainly of the hyper-resonant variety. However, the present librarian proposes
—seconder Chapman—to make drastic changes on his return from the Children's.
The publication of the results of the inspection of last year's history books caused some little excitement. Only four of our number were satisfied. Ap- parently one has to be a favourite with the nurses to have his history books passed. Of course, we know about the other three, but the little snowy-haired boy was a revelation.
trbirb tear Motes.
With us lies the privilege of being the successors of that fine body of students who have graduated to fourth year. Though they set out to set an un- attainable standard of anatomical excellence, they did not succeed so well as one would have expected, seeing that they had advantages over us, in so far as that they always had a "Body" with them. We have no "Body" with us, but we have a Tymms, second only to one.
Once more the Professor of Anatomy has said that we all should find no difficulty in pass anatomy in third year ; and as he will have retired by the time when we, his present third-year students, have graduated, we all hope to set such a record that he will remember during his hours of ease.
Our thanks are due to Professor Osborne for his efficacious execution of a series of demonstrations on the usefulness of trinitrin as a drug.
It was with tolerant scorn that we read the articles on vivisection in the daily papers. Such controversy was much beneath our dignity to notice, but one morning, when we arrived at lectures, and found that the patient—morphine, 4 grains, chloroform ; curarised, artificial respiration—was conspicuous by his absence, then it was brought home to us that the aforesaid controversy had affected us very materially. Might we suggest that the undergrads. of the new animal breeding degree have practical work at the "Shop," and supply the proceeds, if any, to the Physiology School. No doubt the home-grown article would prove to be equal to the imported, or abducted, one, and would be much more economical.
Commencement this year was a huge success. The medleys did all that could he expected of them ; and what more could anyone ask ? It is a great pity, however, that more enthusiasm is not shown by all students, instead of leaving the burden on the same shoulders each year.
While speaking of past events, it would be fitting to tender our heartful thanks to the proper authorities for the magnificent pathway that has been laid down between the Anatomy School and the clubbus.
Similarly to last year, moving picture performances have been arranged for the second term. Although the subjects are not purely medical, they are of educational value. However, we hear that a large film is being prepared, entitled Cancer, and hope that it will be ready to be screened before the end of the term.
Although self-praise is no praise, we must congratulate Bastow and his pro- sector colleagues, and Farran and his fellow apostles, on their appointment to
THE SPECULUM. 59 their hard-earned positions. It has been rumoured, however, that these said positions are not all they are "cracked up" to be. Also Simmonds, for winning a scholarship for the returned soldier student, having done the most brilliant second year of any faculty. So much for the intellectual side.
In the sporting activities of the "Shop" during the past term, we have had a fair measure of success. At the recent commencement Blues and Half Blues were presented to E. W. Turner, J. B. Turner, Lidgett, MacMillan, Farmer, Searls, Eddy and Donoghue for various sports of last year. This year J. B.
Turner represented Melbourne in the tennis, and was undefeated throughout.
E. W. Turner rowed in the Intervarsity Boat Race, and was also chosen for the Victorian eight, although he did not row in the race.
In the "Shop" championships, O'Brien ran second in the quarter, Lidgett came third in the long jump, Macmillan second in the shot putt, and Eddy won the high jump.
In the Intercollegiate Sports, Lidgett won the long jump, O'Brien won the quarter with a record, and Macmillan the shot putt with another record.
O'Brien, Lidgett and Eddy represented Melbourne in the intervarsity athletics. Each upheld the honour of their year. Lidgett and O'Brien were placed in the long jump and quarter respectively, while Eddy won the high jump.
In conjunction with first and second year, the University Branch easily maintained its hold on the Denyer Cup, Macmillan and Stonham dead-heating for first place, with Mullen third. We afterwards heard a rumour that as "Mac"
was the only one who knew the way, he led the way, and the others had to follow.
first near 'notes.
In spite of the idea that first year members were diminishing rapidly, we commenced this year with a roll of nearly 80, only .12 of whom occupy the front benches.
The excitement of Freshers' Welcome, Commencement, and 'Varsity Sports are o'er, K. Cussen upholding first year traditions by his brilliant performances on sports' day ; and we have now settled down to a daily routine of frogs, frogs, frogs—broken by an ever-welcome vac.
Vac. saw the departure of the Dirty Four, that well-known and carefully- avoided quartette of first year—who, it may be added, have polished the forms of first year theatres for many a long year, and will probably continue to do so until those forms have worn away—from the. "Shop" to a little village in the mountains.
The natives awoke at their arrival—they would have slept on had it been possible, but it was not. An orgy, commenced in Melbourne, was transferred by rail and auto. to the mountain village, and raged furiously for many days.
Rustics crowded around their domicile at night—they slept by day—and listened in wonder to strange words with which some of the revellers showed such skill in alliteration, and to weird phrases, and saw many novel methods of card stacking.
Another member of the faculty was present, a fair-haired, blue-eyed fresher, whose rare gift of silence and child-like self-consciousness rendered him incon- spicuous, until one night one of them, with whom the boy in ignorance had chosen to sleep, betrayed a tendency which filled the boy with a vague fear—this broke up the party.
We must protest ! This sort of thing is a maculation on our fair name ! These men are allowed to remain in first year, year after year, and no attempt is made to force them out, although it is commonly known that they remain solely for the purpose of befriending lonely freshers, seducing them to their evil haunts, pluck the soft down from them, then cast them forth--broken.
The situation is terrible ! But what can one expect under the rule of King Cavernosa ?
My Dear Nettie,
You will no doubt be interested to hear that some of us negotiated finals successfully last March—others did not ! Have you ever been struck by the diversity of methods which people employ to cheer themselves up after dropping a subject or so ? Laura, after a hectic week's shopping, dashes off to Colombo ; Kath. gets married (to a doctor, too, no less !) ; while the more prosaic of us buy a new hat, and return to the M.H. to hear residents talk of when they were students.
Male opinion in the matter seems to vacillate between a totally unnecessary moustache and a "beer-walk." For the benefit of your unsophisticated mind, I may mention that a beer-walk is an excursion from one of the colleges to Flin- ders Street, embarked upon by a number of men. The rule is that competitors must walk down one side of Elizabeth Street, imbibing adulterated alcohol at each hostelry they pass, and return along the other side, repeating the process.
The man who completes the walk and returns unsupported to his domicile is voted the winner. As there are some 28 hotels in Elizabeth Street (no, dear, I did not count them), this achievement points to possibilities of endurance in our colleagues hitherto quite unsuspected.
Would you care to hear about my clinical medicine exam. ? I crept into the ward, all tottery at the knees, and the honoraries pointed out a red-nosed old
THE SPECULUM. 61 derelict, whose heart I was told to examine. As I approached the bed he grinned at me with a perfectly horrible leer.
"I remember yer," he cried. "Yer was in Dr. —'s out-patients last year.
'Yer ignorance is castrophic,' he says to yer. I kep' that in mind, and tries it on the missus when she gets fresh."
"Please proceed with your investigation," requested the examiner, treat- ing the garrulous one to a frigid glare which was quite lost on him.
"Yus, castrophic," he proceeded, while I fumbled with his shirt. "And you went puice to the roots of yer 'air. Yer had 'air then—wumman's crowning glory, they calls it. Looking at yer now I can well believe it."
Here the examiner took part in the conversation, which gradually died down to incoherent mutterings.
I collected my frazzled wits, and remembered with a glow of satisfaction that "Inspection" came first. So I stared earnestly at the chest from which the most ardent efforts of the nursing staff had been unable to remove the grime, and there, lurking beside a tuft of hair, I espied something that cramped my style for the rest of the morning. Supposing, when I started to percuss, it should leap, either at me or at the examiner ? I could only gape at the thing, fascinated.
"Come, come," remarked the powers that were, "you are just wasting time."
So I went on to "Palpation"; but as my object was to avoid disturbing the peaceful slumbers of that wretched insect, I didn't find any apex beats.
"Dear me," said the examiner (meaning D. you!), "have you ever examined a heart before?"
That, in vulgar parlance, "put the lid on."
And so it goes on. It's the unforeseen factor in life that tips the balance every time. A perfectly simple exam. can be ruined by a puler Communis; an easy subject to learn is a hard one to pass in ; also, rusty sputum may be but an aftermath of "Old Gold."
By the bye, did you hear of the bit of excitement in one of the hospitals the other. night ? A delirious patient got out on the road, closely pursued by the nurse in charge. She called to one of the residents who was returning from a night's revelry, and he joined in the chase. And then a policeman set about ar- resting the resident for chasing the nurse !—Yours, affectionately,
FLUFFETTE.
iRabc I6rancb.--36.(11).A.
Charon, the ferryman of renown, had been promoted from his monotonous task of transporting the shades of departed spirits across the River Styx. This great river, which separates Earth from Hades, was now adorned by a most lavishly-constructed house-boat, which was the club house of the Associated
Shades, the most select club in Hades. Charon was the first superintendent of the club house.
The customs of the club were very similar to those of men's clubs on Earth.
Thus, after dinner, the members resorted to the smoking room, and spoke on divers topics over their coffee and liqueurs.
"Gentlemen," said Hippocrates, flicking the drops of coffee from off his copious heard, "was it not I who first impressed upon mankind that the power to heal is not supernatural, but is capable of being controlled by man ? In spite of the recent advances in medical knowledge, the world is not as healthy now as it was in my day. Still do I maintain that there are four humours in the body—blood, phlegm, yellow bile and black bile.
"These humours are present in very delicately-balanced proportions during health. Any disturbance in the equilibrium will cause changes in the body, which you call disease. I might also add—"
At this stage a sallow, dapper little man sprang to his feet, exclaiming in a hoarse voice, "Neurones ! Neurones !! Neurones !!! Neurones are the basis of life ! Without neurones, gentlemen, I might tell you that—" "Excuse me, pro- fessor," said Charon meekly, poking his head through the door ; "gentleman to see you downstairs ; Philopias is the name." "Damn," muttered the professor.
"But," said Noah, continuing the interrupted prattle, "I must admit that hygienic conditions have improved since the flood. My dear Dr. Sinklear, you would have cringed at the sight of our crude methods on the ark fo.r the disposal of waste material. Such filth was a perfect Paradise for our two bacteria to live in. They were by far the two most contented occupants of the ark." "Were the two bacteria Gram positive or negative ?" queried Pasteur, who always took
EARLY BRITISH SURGERY.—LAPAROTOMY.
THE SPECULUM. 63 a keen interest in bugs. "Gram positive," replied Noah. "Are you positive?"
lisped Dr. Thlanglands, who dearly loved his little jokes.
Methuselah, as was his usual custom of late, might have been observed making a series of pilgrimages from the room, an expression of grim determina- tion adorning his countenance. Being a very keen observer, Dr. Kurry Korton explained that he had made a spot. diagnosis on Methuselah, and advocated that a supra pubic incision be made. Dr. Gallan Gnewton, a man of deeds, not words, sent the waiter for a glove and glycerine. He dearly loved his little joke, too.
"Talking of operations and razor blades," quoth Dr. Tinker nonchalantly,
"I believe Mary Stakes is issuing a special edition of her book for the exclusive use of the Siamese twins." "Umph !" retorted Job, glancing up from his cross- word puzzle. job was a past master at cross-words, but he had as yet always failed to equal bogey time.
At this moment the door opened, and the oldest member sauntered up to the group—a grand old man, with a negative Wasserman and a bald head. At his advent every member rose to his feet. This procedure was one of the un- written laws of the club, for all the members greatly revered Adam as being the prime mover in providing the club with members.
"What about a game of housey-housey, boys ?" cried Adam. "To be or not to be ?" drawled Hamlet mournfully. A most extraordinary gentleman was Hamlet. Dr. Spilpott classed him as a dement, but he always took all the chocolates at housey-housey.
Thus did the shades of departed souls converse in Hades.
Thus do men talk on this Earth.
Our beliefs may change, our methods may change, but always shall men talk thus Petty, perhaps, but strictly human.
Women call it gossip.
CorrewnOence.
The Editor, The Speculum.
Dear Sir,—A case came into this hospital recently, which I thought might prove of general interest.
A young man was brought in one morning, giving a history which seemed to point to gastric ulcer, which had ruptured the previous night at about 10 o'clock as he was sitting quietly at home. There was the usual history of sudden, violent pain, followed by shock. When seensome 12 hours—after this catas- trophe the patient looked ill, but not nearly so ill as one would expect him to be