A NAME TO REMEMBER FOR THE TREATMENT OF
APHTHOUS ULCERS Another product of the
GLAXO LABORATORIES
A patrol car came up and flashed a light into the parked car.
"No parking; you can't loaf along here,"
he said.
"Do I look as if I'm loafing?" came the reply.
* * *
Voice on the 'phone: "How do you feel this morning?"
Lady: "Fine, thanks."
Voice: "Must have the wrong number."
* * *
Old Time Mosquito: "And to think when I was young, I could only bite girls on the hands and face."
* * *
She was just a second-hand dealer's daughter, and that's why she wouldn't allow much on the old sofa.
*
Garters, brassieres and highwaymen are all in the same business—but at different places.
* * *
A woman finally found that she could get a divorce from her husband because of flat feet—his feet were in the wrong flat.
* * *
They sat side by side in the moonlight.
She murmured as she smoothed his brow,
"Darling, I know my life's been fast, but I'm on my last lap now."
* * *
He: "Please."
She: "No."
He: "Just this once."
She: "No, I said."
He: "Aw, hell, Mum—all the rest of the kids go barefoot."
* * *
When does a pullet become a hen?
When she loses her first foot race.
* * *
Mrs. H. was granted a divorce when she testified that since she and her husband were married, he had spoken to her but three times. She was awarded the custody of their three children. A BLOKE LIKE THAT SHOULD GET A MEDAL!
SPECULUM 95 Girl's voice heard during a blackout:
"Take your hand off my leg! No, not you . . . YOU."
She: "Do you want to see where I was operated on?"
He (eagerly): "Yes!"
She: "Well, we're just two streets from the Hospital."
* * *
For Sale, Two Alsatian Puppies, Prize winning parents—BOTH MALES.
J. S.: "What actually is a venereal disease, sir?"
Dr. T.: "A disease contracted pursuing the avocations of Venus."
* * *
Dr. T. on the pathology of the female reproductive system: "I'm not at all familiar with this field"— and the man's married!
* * *
Pathology Notes : Penis: Early circum- cision is a good prophylactic.
???
* * * * * *
A girl doesn't need a speedometer to know what her boyfriend is driving at.
The girl who knows all the answers learnt them from going around with the fellows who ask all the questions.
* * *
FROM A DIARY.—Up at 8. Felt a little seasick, so took two pills. Passed an iceberg at 10.
THESE MODERN PURGES!
* * *
Old Lady: "I suppose you and your hus- band worry a lot because you don't have any children after having been married three years."
Young Lady: "Oh, yes. We've spent many a sleepless night because of it."
* * *
A married couple were sleeping peace- fully when the wife suddenly shouted out in her sleep. "Good heavens! My hus- band!"
The husband, waking suddenly, jumped out of the window.
Prof. R. on epidemiology:
"Anti-natal care is an application of pre- vention."
* * *
A medical survey made several years ago in Melbourne set out to determine why men get up in the middle of the night.
ONLY 2.4 per cent. had an evacuation problem.
A MERE 1.6 per cent. prowled the re- frigerator for the midnight snack,
BUT THE OTHER 96 PER CENT.
GOT UP TO GO HOME.
* * *
Little nips of whisky, Little nips of gin, Make the ladies wonder,
WHERE THE HELL THEY'VE BIN.
* * *
She was only a telegraphist's daughters, but how she DIDIT, DIDIT, DIDIT.
* * *
I'm going to have a little one, Said the nurse so gay and frisky, But the med-stude upped and fainted, BEFORE HE KNEW THAT SHE MEANT WHISKY.
* * *
e
y
Heard in a blackout: "These zippers save a lot of time."
* * *
She was only a butcher's daughter, but oh, what calves!
* * *
Parked outside the Women's Hospital:
van with sign on top announcing "Speedy Delivery".
* * *
I like blondes platinum, With fatinum,
For patinum.
* *
A formal old girl called Wisteria, Once fell in a fit of hysteria, When a man in besottage,
Got into her cottage,
And stained her Victorian Interior.
• *
Phthirus pubis infestation: "Crabs", or the patter of little feet over the private parts.
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"What do you do all day?"
"Hunt and drink."
"What do you hunt?"
"Drink."
* *
96 SPECULUM
Then there was the disillusioned nurse at The Women's who decided to do mid- wifery the practical way—find a man and wait nine months.
The poor nurse wasn't very bright. She always got things back to front. Sister gave out her orders and returned later to find the patient writhing in agony.
"Please, Nurse, I said to prick the patient's boil."
* * *
Newly wed honeymooning in Katoomba wired his boss: "Please grant extension on holiday. It is wonderful here."
Boss wired back: "Return at once. It's wonderful anywhere."
Confucius he say:
(1) Boy and girl go camping together sure to have naughty intent.
(2) Girl sit on jockey's knee and get hot tip.
(3) Girl runs faster with pants up than man with pants down.
Some men are bachelors because they failed to clutch their opportunity.
* * *
Overheard at Royal Park:
"I feel so bad I often think of killing my- self."
"Now, now, you leave that to us."
* * *
Patient: "I'm thirsty."
Nurse: "I'll bring you a glass of water."
Patient: "I said thirsty—not dirty."
*
"Changing a tyre?"
"No, I just get out every few miles and jack up the car to give it a rest."
* * *
Nurse: "Do you know what they're saying about me?"
R.Q.: "Yeah, that's why I came over."
Visitor: "Where are the monkeys?"
Zoo Keeper: "In the back making love."
Visitor: "Would they come out for pea- nuts?"
Zoo Keeper: "Would you?"
The father of a student in Casualty paid his son a surprise visit at 1 a.m. He banged on the Students' Quarters' door. A voice from the window above yelled: "What d'ya want?"
"Does Will Carter live here?"
A tired voice answered: "Yeah, dump him on the porch."
Mark Antony: "I want to see Cleopatra."
Servant: "She's in bed with laryngitis."
Mark Antony: "Damn those Greeks."
* * *
Jack be nimble, Jack be quick,
Jack jumped over the .. . Jack walks differently now.
* * *
"But that's not our baby."
"Shut up; it's a better pram, isn't it?"
* * *
Doc.: "Do you dribble at all?"
Patient: "Half and half."
Doc.: "Oh! Half on one shoe and half on the other."
From a Case History at The Women's:
"Not particularly bright—quite likes it."
* * *
In the days of good Queen Bess 'tis said some of the ladies liked to curl up with a good book, whereas others used to prefer to curl up with one of the pages.
* * *
Parked car, moonlight night, AND ABDUL.
"Goodness, it's three o'clock. I should have been in hours ago!"
"So should I," he said disgustedly.
SPECULUM 97
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Is it true that storks bring babies, or is it just poppycock?
The weatherman's wife says he's not hitting it as often as he used to!
* * *
Petting Polly says it's fun to fight about a kiss—but it's much more fun to take it lying down.
* * *
The newlywed wanted to fly UNITED, but the hostess objected.
There once was a man from France, Who waited ten years for the chance,
HE MUFFED IT.
Falsies: The bust that money can buy.
Prof. W.: "I'm not feeling like contracep- tion right now."
Prof. T.: "After the end of each men- strual cycle, we begin again with a clean sheet."
"What is a lingula copula?"
"The root of the tongue, I suppose."
A girl can be very sweet when she wants.
* * *
Girls with hiccoughs, Seldom are piccoughs.
Sign in Nudist Colony: Gentlemen play- ing leapfrog—please complete your leaps.
* *
Prof. R.: Then you get someone that's not sterile—like a nurse
Mr. Newlywed: "How are we going to kiss goodbye over the telephone?"
Mrs. Newlywed: "You kiss your end and I'll kiss mine."
* * *
Dr. P-t-r: "Old fellows that work a lot get hyperkeratotic lesions."
* * *
Highball: An undescended testis.
* * *
In a discussion on Sex: I'll tell you when I've got a bit more nymphomation.
* * *
46. • .and you find that if you go through a bunch of women . . . in an ante-natal clinic . . ."—Lance.
D. Mac.: "Periods can be very erratic.
They may be anything from 20 to 40 days
—or more."
Bill Morcom: "I know—I haven't had one for 22 years!"
He took his girl out into the night air and mist.
Have you heard of the lawyer who sat up all night trying to break the widow's will?
* * *
"Swell party tonight."
"Yeah, I'd ask you for the next dance, but all the cars are taken."
*
She got her fur coat on time, and boy, what a time.
*
Then there was the sculptor who put his model to bed and chiselled on his wife.
* * *
"I bet that man was embarrased when you caught him looking over the trousseau."
"Gosh, yes. I thought he'd never get over it."
* * *
Hotel Manager: "Did you find any of our towels in that man's suitcase?"
Hotel Detective: "No, but I found a chambermaid in his grip!"
* * *
SUGGESTIVE:
A clever hotel manager had the bridal suite done in wallpaper with an interlocking design.
98 SPECULUM
TOUGHE!
A young medical student about town ap- proached a news stall counter, behind which stood a cute young thing, and said: "Do you keep stationery?"
Replied the cute young thing: "Yes, up to a certain point—then I go all to pieces."
* * *
Some men believe, That Eve
Didn't need such a big leaf As a fig leaf.
* * *
There is some co-operation between wild creatures; the stork and the wolf usually work in the same neighborhood.
*
Familiarity may breed contempt, but as the old maid said, a certain amount of familiarity is necessary to breed anything.
A. Wall: "In one man I had two fingers in his ring."
Mr. Webb: "That would have been an ex- ceptional experience for both of you, I should imagine."
Nads: "Did she blush when her shoulder strap broke?"
Trey.: "I didn't notice."
* * *
One psychoanalyst to another: "You feel fine; how do I feel?"
You hesitate if you should take a wife, Do as your father did, stay single.
* * *
An old maid is a YES girl who never had chance to talk.
* * * Birth control—something you wish for on
a ship when you are seasick.
Mary had a little drink, It looked as pure as water, But Oh, the things that Mary did, She shouldn't really oughter!
* * *
Then there was the golfer who used to keep golf tees in his glovebox to rest his balls on whilst driving.
* * * * * *
I smoked my first cigarette and kissed my first woman on the same day. I have never had time for tobacco since.
—Toscanini.
* * *
National News:
. . . In the Legislative Assembly today, the leader of the State Opposition, Mr. S., moved a motion. The Premier, Mr. B., said he was amazed at Mr. S's. action!
There was a young man named McLeod, Was caressing his girl in a crowd,
When a man up in front
Said, "Take your hand off the fence,"
Just like that—right out loud.
Heard about the girl who preferred men to liquor?
* * *
Jack Legge in biochem lecture:
"People with diabetes are unable to handle their fats in the manner to which they are accustomed."
*
Tony Sahhar, Div. II, claims:
"The striate arteries are the most common site of cerebral haemorrhoids!"
Undoubtedly he also thinks the perineal body is his third eye.
• Frustrated husband — his wife had gonorrhoea, diarrhoea and pyorrhoea.
SPECULUM 99
What would you do if a girl came up and kissed you?
Kiss her back.
What if she was a tall girl?
Mirandy: "Silas, tomorrow is our 50th wedding anniversary. What shall we do?"
Silas: "Let's celibate."
*
What is the difference between egg and beetroot?
You can beat an egg.
*
1st Physio: I was out with a member of the football team last night.
2nd Physio: In what position does he play?
1st Physio: Think I'd tell?
* * *
Her will was strong—but her won't was weak.
SPINSTER: A woman who remains single for the same reason that most men remain single.
Women's desires in every age and coun- try are an eternal struggle between admitted desire to dress and the unadmitted desire to undress.
—Chinese Proverb.
* Once upon a girl I had a time-
*
Anatomy Tutor: "What do you know about the fillet?"
Student: "It commences in the medulla.
and runs up to the third ventricle, where it defaecates."
If all the students who go to sleep in lec- tures were put end to end, they would be so much more comfortable.
* * * * * *
Meteorologist: Someone who can look into a girl's eyes and tell weather.
* * *
"What does your husband think of UNO?"
"He thinks of nothing else."
*
Patient c/o pain on passing a motion down the back of his legs.
*
She's descended from 'a long line her mother listened to.
* * *
PASSION: A feeling you feel when you are about to feel a feeling you have never felt before.
Treatment for a peptic ulcer:
Sack boss, double salary, divorce wife, drown kids.
Pathology Report on a completely tapped pleural effusion: Specimen inadvertently dropped—please repeat.
* * *
House Detective: He who strikes when the eye'ins hot.
* *
One of the reasons for the decreasing severity of syphilis these days is that the world's population is becoming more syphilised.
100
MEDICINE
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