The present state of medicine concerns itself with the treatment of disease from the negative results of which, the
future or prophylactic medicine will be evolved.
The club met at the regular hour, as indicated by the time culture clock, when the tubercle bacilli had attained their maturity. After reading the minutes of the last meeting of the Antiseptic Club, Dr. Gluticis Medius presented a very unique case to the society, which proved the great importance of the organic secretions in Therapeutics.
CASE NO. I.
This case, the speaker stated, was brought under his notice by Dr. Gremaster. It was a case of moral obliquity. The exhibit was the most cruel of husbands. He wasted his time in beating his wife, and studying medicine. He was a student of medicine for the purpose of resting his mind. He had been addicted to the use of hypnotics, but being without money to secure sleeping potions, he attended medical and surgical lec- tures as a cheaper, though better, substitute for hypnotics.
PnlY 3 injections of the testicular juice of a dog were used in his case, with the result that was shown to the club. He had doggish look of the mastiff variety, as he crouched on his hands and feet. He now occupied his time in writing dog-
fi
frel, and posing as an advertisement for a tobacco firm, for on back, in prominent letters, were the words, "CHEW THE MASTIFF PLUG." When questioned by one of the mem- b.ers relative to his mode of life he replied, with a snarl sugges- tt" of a Peruvian bark, that he led a dog's life.Dr. Coracobrachialis then arose, and addressed the chair.
tt a voice quivering with outraged dignity and properly modu- lated to suit the time and occasion, he announced that as pre- sideut of the Society for the Suppression of Suggestive Names, he wished
to offer the following resolution:—
t, "That the phrase 'aseptic surgery' should be substituted by the phrase glutial surgery in the protocols of the club."
The resolution was adopted unanimously.
„ At this stage, Dr. Compressor Nasi ventured to suggest that as there had been a sufficient display of laryngeal incontin- t
,nce and mental sterility, which, he stated, resulted in a evenularrhoea of words and constipation of ideas, the paper of the
. ing mig ht be proceeded with , as it mi g thing original.
The president next announced the paper by Dr. Brachialis Anticus on "The exact state of Medicine in the Year 1945."
Dr. Brachialis Anticus, before reading his paper, showed • to the Society a manuscript, too years old, which was written by Dr. Lavaton Meuti, in his time a leading physician of •
At this juncture, he was interrupted by Dr. Compressor Nasi, who observed that the statement "leading physician" was very indefinite. In his opinion, every physician who had ever lived, had had the distinction at some period of his life to be referred to as "a leading physician." In future he wished members to mention the special characteristic which caused the man's prominence.
After this justifiable interruption, Dr. Anticus continued.
He said the manuscript of Dr. Meuti had clearly portrayed the state of medicine in 1915. He therefore, having used the same deductive methods as Dr. Meuti, would give the state of medicine in 5945, and he knew it would be appreciated, since the desire to live was actuated as much by curiosity as to the future, as by a fear of death.
A Synopsis of the Paper of Dr. Anticus.
I have just arrived in Canberra, the metropolis of our country, A.D. 1945. I am visibly impressed by the tranquillity of my surroundings. I find that the passing motor vehicles make no noise ; "Fords" being by now relegated to the limbo of antiquity. I. find the cause of this quietude to be resident in the road and pavement, which is composed of a soft, yielding structure, resembling sponge. I say aloud, "This is indeed remarkable," when I am at once surrounded by a lame crowd.
On inquiring the cause of this large concourse of people, I am informed that my voice sounds like thunder in their ears, for in this city of bibulous pavements, their sense of hearing has become unusually acute. After informing the people that I am a stranger, I am escorted by one of them to a large build- ing called the Stranferium. This is a bureau of information ,
supported by the municipality, where, for an antiseptic tablet (silver and gold being demonetized owing to the scarcity of antiseptics), one could engage the services of a guide or Strangerist. The latter received fifty antiseptic tablets a month for his services, and was so profoundly educated that he carried his head in a sling to support his ponderous brain.
The Strangerist .conducted me about the city. I see no signs indicating the existence of Physicians, and I ask my guide con - cerning the matter. He informs me that owing to an ocular affection known as Poly opia, which had become quite prevalent
2.
5 years ago on account of the great number of signs which Indicated the locations of Physicians, the municipality had decided to restrict the number of signs to one, and this he con- sidered to be quite sufficient. I asked him to conduct me to the office of a prominent physician. He hailed a passing motor, and we reached our destination. On leaving the motor halved the conductor an antiseptic tabloid as fare, and he said Thank you," which so unnerved me that I sought the cause of this unheard of courtesy. The Strangerist informed me that the authorities made it obligatory for all employees of the municipality to exercise this inexpensive respect to its patrons..
He said, furthermore, that "courtesy" was no longer looked uPon as an expression of inferiority. I front of me I saw a curiously constructed building, which the Strangerist informed me was a hospital. It was built of iron sheeting, and in Winter t„yerw as covered with felt. It could be readily taken the removal of a few bolts. In fact, the hospital Was taken down monthly, and cleansed by means of heat, Many openings could be seen in the facade of the building.
,eovered by a frame-work of cotton wool. The latter was, so.
!il e guide informed me, for the purpose of filtering the air.
e assured me that by this means, which was only a mild re- tr
actable of the nutritive value of air, disease had become more Factable, and convalesence was curtailed. Disease, continued was now only recognised as a symptom. We finally arrived at the office of the prominent physician. I was sur- Prised to find a young man, without any hair on his face, who
tl
dressed me in the most familiar manner without any sem- ance of dignity. "Surely," I said, turning to the Strangerist,j
Iou must be mistaken. This cannot be a prominent physi- an ? Where is his dignity f"
si. The physician overheard. He told me that now phy- a clans attained their position of prominence not by virtue of
,1137. assumed dignity, but by competitive examination.
ale referred to his habiliments, which I observed were made of p„11.1Thitium. Said he, "Even the clothes I wear do not distin-
V
sh me from a layman." He conveyed to me the following ia °rmation. The number of physicians was now limited by each Only a definite number of matriculates were admitted' The Year to the University, which was supported by the State.coue. matriculates were recruited from the honormen of the nu,ueges• Physicians were not in demand now for the treat-
W llt
of disease, because the laity now realised that the could ' cure curable diseases. They employed physiciansychiefly en alarmed by impending death, for their relations had the
satisfaction of saying that the physician connived with death to cheat the patient out of his life. Physicians were now di- vided into—
(1) Prophylactitians.
(2) Consultants.
(3) Orchotomists.
(4) Lethalists.
The Prophylactitians were appointed by the Government.
Their essential duty was to prevent disease. They eliminated all useless bacteriological sophistry, and treated microbes merely as the fruit of a weakened soil. They preached the gospel of soap and water, and had rendered most of the in- fectious diseases obsolete.
They supplied "thermoregulators" to all and sundry.
These instruments maintained the body heat at its normal tem - perature in spite of all atmospheric changes. Respiratory dis - eases were therefore unknown, and such was the dearth of morbid anatomy that pathologists would soon be obsolete.
Without them permit marriages could not take place. This resulted not only in happy and permanent marriages, but the progeny received health as a heritage, the most sublime gift which parents can bequeath to their children. Mentally or physically perverse individuals were not allowed to propagate their species.
The Consultants were independent practitioners whose counsel was sought in grave maladies. They did not visit the patients owing to the great improvement in the phonograph and telephone. By means of the former the respiratory and heart sounds were registered and the borders of organs defined BY means of the cinematograph fits and important appearance s were observed. The Orchotomists castrated all persons guilty of serious crimes, the death penalty having been long since abolished.
The duty of the Lethalists was to secure euthanasia in all cases of incurable disease. All incurables were lethalise"
in a building called the Euthanasium, according to the law.
He then expressed his willingness to show me round the main societies of medical interest. (To be continued.)
Litany
Prom war, famine, pestilence, slow horses and short odds—
Prom the allurements of pretty probationers—
Prom the barber who smokes Capstans and eats onions—
„Prom the man who "will pay it back next week"—
Prom the girl who tells Mother about it—
Join the onslaughts of pediculi—
Prom anatomy orals—
',Min collecting M.S.S. subs.—
From forensic lectures—
From
a positive Wasserman—
Prom lecture theatres with no back stairs—
Prom gram-negative intracellular diplococci—
the morning after the night before—
From the yearnings inspired by corset advertisements—
prom the lady who "doesn't love her husband much"—
From six o'clock closing—
pr'pril strikng a rotin flush whi holding four ces-- Prom the i inroadsu
ofe
fibroblastsle
T all all theira
works and Prom be being on casualty while the third year are still enthu- From
p rcml practical pharmacy—
prOm old ladies who know we are medical students—
F
FFrom a positive. Babinski—
rom temperance drinks purporting to resemble beer—
r
°rn an inconvenient conscience—°Tri the girl with a large appetite—
From going to a pantomime without opera glasses—
From "hooking" our aunt's new housemaid—
prc°rri' electric lights in the park— in
; a nervous primipara—
;°rn the clutches of our examiners—
;°rn rain on her night off—
1,1"1,°M these and the multitudes. of other evils besetting
"Y noblest work on earth, Good Lord deliver US.
192 THE SPECULUM. October, 0 16'