Chapter 7
may look through a perfectionisticlife-lens and therefore believe that you must be perfect all the time. Or perhaps you have a vulnerablelife-lens and thus assume that the world is a dan- gerous place. As we explore assumptions (that is, life-lenses) such as these, you can see that they form the foundation of your most distressing emotions, such as depression, anxiety, worry, irritability, apprehension, and even anger.
Life-lenses are the broad themes or assumptions you live by. These themes directly influ- ence the kinds of thoughts you have and, in turn, how you feel about what happens to you.
Each life-lens can be activated by many types of events.
Susanand Dianework as nurses at a local hospital. They both apply for one open manage- ment position. Although Susan and Diane are both well qualified, a nurse from another hospital gets the job. Susan reacts with anger and comments, “I deserved that job; the administration had no right to give that job away. I’ll never cooperate with the creep that stole my job.”
Diane reacts quite differently. She feels gloomy and says, “I’m sure they made the right deci- sion picking someone else. I shouldn’t have let my supervisor talk me into applying. I’m not management material.”
Susan and Diane have different life-lenses. Susan has the life-lens of entitled.She believes that she always deserves the best; Susan feels that the world owes her and that if she wants something, it should be hers. On the other hand, Diane has the life-lens of inadequacy.She thinks that she’s not good enough and that others have more skill and talent than she does.
Diane assumes that she couldn’t do the job even though her supervisor told her she has the appropriate ability and background.
Same event. Different thoughts and different feelings. Susan’s entitledlife-lens makes her prone to tension and anger when her needs aren’t met. Diane’s inadequacylife-lens steers her in the direction of depression when her adequacy is called into question.
Susan and Diane apply their respective life-lenses to many different events in their lives. For example, when they’re both caught in an unexpected traffic jam, they view the event through their own life-lenses and thus experience different thoughts and feelings. Susan’s entitled life-lens leads her to feel rage and have thoughts like, “No one in this town knows how to drive. What idiots!” Diane, who looks through an inadequacylife-lens, scolds herself, “I should have left earlier. Why didn’t I listen to the traffic report this morning? I’m an idiot!”
With some understanding of life-lenses, it’s time to take a look at which lenses may be affecting you and your life. After all, changing the way you feel starts with identifying your problematic life-lenses. If you aren’t aware of your own life-lenses, you’re powerless to do anything about them.
The questionnaire in Worksheet 7-1 is designed to clarify which life-lenses may be causing you trouble. After you identify them, we tell you a little more about how they work, where they come from, and most importantly, what you can do about them. Before you start mark- ing the life-lenses in the worksheet that apply to you, consider the following tips:
Answer as honestly as possible.Sometimes, people respond how they think they
“should” answer rather than responding with honest self-appraisals. Self-deception isn’t useful.
Take your time to reflect on various events and situations that have happened to you that are relevant to each lens.For example, in answering questions about abandonment-fearful versus intimacy-avoidant, ponder the relationships you’ve had and how you feel and react to those close to you. You shouldn’t rush this task.
Base your answer on how you feel and react in situations that relate to each lens.
For example, if you frequently feel inadequate but know in your head that you’re actu- ally not inadequate, answer on the basis of how you feel when your adequacy comes into question, such as when you’re asked to make a speech.
Don’t worry about inconsistencies.As you see in Worksheet 7-1, life-lenses come in opposite pairs. And you very well may find yourself using both lenses from time to time. For example, if you’re a perfectionist, you may also quite often feel inadequate when you make a mistake. Or if you normally feel unworthy and undeserving, you may find yourself feeling quite angry and entitled on occasions when your needs unexpect- edly go unmet. People often flip between opposite lenses, so don’t worry if you seem a little inconsistent.
Answer on the basis of how often each lens describes you.If you see parts of the description that apply and others that don’t, underline the parts that fit and rate your- self on those parts in terms of how often they apply to you.
Use a scale of 1 to 5 for your frequency rating.
1if the lens almost never describes you 2if it occasionally describes you 3if it sometimes describes you 4if it usually describes you 5if it almost always describes you
Worksheet 7-1 Problematic Life-Lenses Questionnaire
Lens Opposite Lens
____ Unworthy ____ Entitled
I don’t feel like I deserve to have good things I deserve the best of everything. I should have happen to me. I feel uncomfortable whenever almost anything I want. If my needs unexpectedly someone does something nice for me. go unmet, I feel threatened, sad, or angry.
____ Abandonment-fearful ____ Intimacy-avoidant
I need lots of reassurance to feel loved. I feel I don’t like to get close to anyone. I’d just as soon lost without someone in my life, and I worry stay away from any emotional involvement; I don’t about losing those I care about. I feel jealous really want anybody in my life.
and cling to my loved ones because of my fear.
____ Inadequate ____ Perfectionistic
I feel like I’m not as talented or skillful as most I feel like I must do everything perfectly. I feel like other people. I just don’t measure up. I don’t there’s a right way and a wrong way to do things, like taking on things I’ve never done before if and I want to do things the right way.
they look difficult.
____ Guilty and blameworthy ____ Guiltless
I feel like everything that goes wrong is my I don’t let stupid things like morality and fault. I worry about whether I’ve done the conscience stand in my way if I want something wrong thing. I can’t stand hurting anyone else. bad enough. I never care about what other people
think.
____ Vulnerable ____ Invulnerable
Bad things happen all the time. I worry a lot I’m invincible — nothing can ever hurt me. The about the future. I’m scared; the world feels world treats me extremely well. I always have
very dangerous. great luck, and I never worry about taking
precautions.
(continued)
Worksheet 7-1 (continued)
Lens Opposite Lens
____ Help-seeking ____ Help-avoidant
I depend on others a lot, and I feel better I hate asking for favors, and I don’t like it when when other people take care of me. I can’t other people try to help me.
handle life by myself.
____ Under-control ____ Over-control
If I want to do something, I follow my impulses. Nothing is worse than losing control. I never let It’s hard for me to set limits with people, so I anyone see how I feel. I like to keep my hand in tend to get walked on. I’d rather express my everything. I don’t like working for someone else, emotions than control them. and I can’t stand leaving my fate in the control of
others.
Any life-lens that you rate as 3or above probably gives you trouble now and then. If you dis- cover that you have many life-lenses that you rate as 3or above, don’t worry. Many people have a range of these problematic assumptions. Change takes time, but you can do it — one lens at a time.
Take a few minutes now to reflect on the results of your Problematic Life-Lenses Questionnaire. In Worksheet 7-2, jot down thoughts about how these life-lenses may be causing you to have troubling emotions. Don’t worry if you’re not quite sure of the connec- tions; we give you more ways of seeing the lenses’ influence on your life in the next few sections of this chapter.
Worksheet 7-2 My Reflections
How life-lenses work
You may wonder just how much trouble life-lenses create and why we say they’re the root cause of most emotional turmoil. The examples in this section give you an idea about how they work their mischief. The exercise in this section is likely to convince you of just how much life-lenses affect your vision and your emotional life.
After you identify your life-lenses, it’s a good idea to consider more examples of how the lenses lead to problematic thoughts and feelings. Notice how the life-lenses are a broad theme and the thoughts are specific to a given event.
Jim, Paul,and Wayneare friends and neighbors. All three have teenage daughters who are the same age and also best friends. One evening, the girls are late coming home. Jim, Paul, and Wayne have very different reactions. See how life-lenses influence how the fathers inter- pret this identical event and respond to their daughters.
Jim has a guilty and blameworthylife-lens. He feels like he’s done something wrong, even when it’s not his fault (see Worksheet 7-3).
Worksheet 7-3 Jim’s Influence of Life-Lenses
Event:
My daughter is 30 minutes late getting home.
Life-Lens & Definition Thoughts Feelings
Guilty and blameworthy: I worry I must be a terrible father; Sad and about whether I’ve done the otherwise, my daughter depressed
wrong thing. would be home on time.
Paul has an over-controllife-lens. He likes to be in charge and feels uncomfortable when others challenge his authority (see Worksheet 7-4).
Worksheet 7-4 Paul’s Influence of Life-Lenses
Event:
My daughter is 30 minutes late getting home.
Life-Lens & Definition Thoughts Feelings
Over-control: I like to be in How dare she be late? Anger charge of everyone and I’m her father; she had
everything. better respect me and do
what I say.
Wayne’s major life-lens is abandonment-fearful.He worries that the people he cares about will leave him and needs frequent reassurance that he’s loved (see Worksheet 7-5).
Worksheet 7-5 Wayne’s Influence of Life-Lenses
Event:
My daughter is 30 minutes late getting home.
Life-Lens & Definition Thoughts Feelings
Abandonment-fearful: I worry Oh no, she’s probability Fear and about losing people I care had an accident. She anxiety about; I don’t think I could stand might be hurt. I couldn’t
it if I lost someone close to me. go on if I lost her.
These three examples show you how life-lenses affect people’s thoughts and feelings. Guess what? It’s your turn to complete an Influence of Life-Lenses worksheet (see Worksheet 7-6).
Filling out these exercises works a whole lot better than just reading about them, so don’t forget to do the work.
1. When events happen and you notice distressing feelings, write the event down.The event can be something happening in your world or something that runs through your mind. Whatever it is, be specific.
2. In the middle column, write down the thoughts or interpretations you have about the event.In other words, describe how you perceive or think about the event. If you have difficulty with this step, flip to Chapter 6 for more information about events and thoughts.
3. In the right-hand column, write down any feelings you have about the event.Check out the Daily Unpleasant Emotions Checklist in Chapter 4 for a list of feelings.
4. Review the Problematic Life-Lenses Questionnaire in Worksheet 7-1 (you did do it, didn’t you?). Think about which life-lens fits your thoughts and feelings best and write that in the left-hand column.You may discover that more than one lens applies.
Also, include a brief definition of the life-lens based on the reflections you recorded in Worksheet 7-2. Feel free to shorten and/or tailor the definition so that it fits you better.
5. In Worksheet 7-7, reflect on what this exercise tells you about your problematic emotions and where they come from.
Worksheet 7-6 The Influence of My Life-Lenses
Event:____________________________________________________________________________
Life-Lens & Definition Thoughts Feelings
Event:____________________________________________________________________________
Life-Lens & Definition Thoughts Feelings
Event:____________________________________________________________________________
Life-Lens & Definition Thoughts Feelings
For more copies of this form, visit www.dummies.com/go/adwbfd. The more forms you fill out, the more you’ll understand how life-lenses impact your life.
Worksheet 7-7 My Reflections
The origins of life-lenses
Usually, the prescription for your life-lenses is established in your childhood. People don’t come into the world seeing themselves as inadequate, undeserving, entitled,or perfectionis- tic.Rather, they learn these patterns through repeated experiences. Life-lenses emerge from abuse, abandonment, betrayal, criticism, natural disasters, loss, rejection, and other emo- tionally powerful events.
Some life-lenses even develop from well-meaning parents who unwittingly go overboard (probably because of their own life-lenses). For example, some parents worry so much that they overprotect their children, who subsequently feel vulnerable. Other parents overindulge their children in the name of love and caring, and their kids may end up feeling entitled.
On the road to understanding and changing your life-lenses, it helps to reflect on what caused you to acquire the lenses you look through in the first place. When you understand these origins, you can release the notion that you’re crazy, weird, or messed up. Self-forgiveness releases energy that you can use for grinding new lenses for better vision.
Hannah struggles with depression and anxiety. She takes the Problematic Life-Lenses Questionnaire shown in Worksheet 7-1 and identifies the life-lenses of intimacy-avoidantand entitled.She also realizes that she’s perfectionisticbut flips to feeling inadequatewhen she makes a mistake. Hannah reflects on her childhood for possible causes of her life-lenses.
She then completes the Childhood Origins of Life-Lenses exercise shown in Worksheet 7-8 and reflects on her findings in Worksheet 7-9.
Worksheet 7-8 Hannah’s Childhood Origins of Life-Lenses
Lens Opposite Lens
Unworthy: Entitled:
This life-lens doesn’t My mother always made me feel like our family was apply to me. better than others. I have to admit she spoiled me, too.
Abandonment-fearful: Intimacy-avoidant:
This life-lens doesn’t Although I was told I was special, I never felt anyone really fit. listened to me. Whenever I was sad or lonely, my
parents told me how lucky I was to have all the toys, clothes, and luxuries I did. I decided it was better to never need anyone.
(continued)
Worksheet 7-8 (continued)
Lens Opposite Lens