Discovering the Beginnings
Worksheet 2-1 Tyler’s Emotional Origins
Questions About Mother (or other caregiver) 1. What was my mother’s personality like?
She was self-centered and rarely thought much about what my sister and I needed. When things didn’t go her way, she exploded. She was domineering and incredibly uptight. She was a perfectionist who talked about the “right way”
or the “wrong way” to do things. I also remember that she always acted like a martyr.
2. How did my mother discipline me?
She mostly just yelled at us. Sometimes she’d ground us, but we’d talk our way out of it. I didn’t get in a lot of trouble because she didn’t catch me breaking the rules.
3. Was my mother warm or cold?
It’s funny; she could be very warm sometimes. But in other ways, it felt like she couldn’t care less about me.
4. Was she overly critical or supportive?
Again, she was inconsistent. She could be both. Sometimes, she’d encourage me to do things, and other times, she’d rip me to shreds. I never knew what to expect.
5. How did she spend time with me?
This seems odd, but I just don’t remember doing much of anything with her. She was a den mother for my Cub Scout group, though. In retrospect, the things she did always seemed to be more about her than about me.
6. Were there special circumstances (for example, illness, death, divorce, military service, etc.)?
She had a miscarriage when I was about 6 years old. She was really depressed for several years after that.
7. Does anything else important about her come to mind, whether positive or negative?
She never seemed especially happy or satisfied with her life. I remember her getting furious with my father a number of times.
Questions About Father (or other important caregiver) 1. What was my father’s personality like?
Everybody liked him. He could be very funny. But I can’t say that I really knew
him very well.
2. How did my father discipline me?
He mostly stayed out of the discipline area. But sometimes he’d explode over nothing.
3. Was my father warm or cold?
I guess he was warm, but looking back, it feels like it was pretty superficial. He never said, “I love you.”
4. Was he overly critical or supportive?
Neither really. He didn’t pay a lot of attention to me. He paid more attention to my sister than to me. I always felt I wasn’t good enough to warrant his attention.
5. How did he spend time with me?
When I was little, he’d wrestle and roughhouse with me. He worked really long hours and just wasn’t around that much.
6. Were there special circumstances (for example, illness, death, divorce, military service, etc.)?
Nothing really. To the outside world, we seemed like a pretty typical family with no particular problems.
7. Does anything else important about him come to mind, whether positive or negative?
When he tried to teach me to do things, he’d explode if I didn’t get the hang of it right away.
Other Questions About Childhood 1. What are my earliest memories?
I don’t remember much from when I was a little kid. My grandfather used to take us horseback riding. That was fun. I remember my father and my grand- parents having a big fight over money. That was scary.
2. Did I have siblings or other people in the home who influenced me, and how?
I looked up to my older sister, but she didn’t want anything to do with me after she went to junior high school. I think my parents favored her — at least my Dad did. I never felt like I measured up to her.
3. What do I remember about grade school? (Was I happy; what did I think about myself; how did I do in school; what were my friendships like; were there any important events?)
I remember being really shy. But I was a good student. I had a few good friends,
but they were sort of nerds like me.
4. What do I remember about middle school or junior high school? (Was I happy; what did I think about myself; how did I do in school; what were my friendships like;
were there any important events?)
I was even shyer then. I felt clumsy and awkward all the time. I didn’t get invited to parties much. I wasn’t very happy. If I got upset, my mother sometimes would do some of my homework for me. Then she’d make me feel guilty about it.
5. What do I remember about high school? (Was I happy; what did I think about myself; how did I do in school; what were my friendships like; were there any important events?)
I had a few more friends then and started dating some. I got pretty down when a girl jilted me. I remember staying in my room for hours at a time. I realize now that I didn’t know how to handle my emotions very well — when I didn’t know what else to do, I’d just withdraw. I worked just hard enough to get Bs, but I know I could have done much better in school.
6. What are the major events of my adulthood, such as trauma or winning the lottery?
I graduated from college, got married, and had a couple of kids. My divorce after 14 years of marriage came as a shock, but I got through it okay.
7. What did this exercise teach me about the origins of my anxiety or depression?
When I think back on my childhood, I realize it wasn’t very happy. My dad didn’t seem to care much about me. My mother cared more, but she was like an emotional roller coaster. I just shut down, and I think I’ve had that tendency my whole life. Maybe I’m shutting down now, too; it’s what I do when I’m unhappy. I guess I realize that I’m not totally to blame for my problems. It sort of makes sense that I shut down whenever I face possible rejection, criticism, or when someone gets angry with me.
After completing the Emotional Origins form, Tyler has a better understanding of why he copes with stress the way he does. He sees that there’s a reason he shuts down when facing certain types of situations. The exercise isn’t about blame and faultfinding; rather, it helps Tyler forgive himself for being the way he is. These insights start him on the path toward a new beginning.
Now, complete your Emotional Origins form in Worksheet 2-2. This is an important exercise;
take as much time as you need. If you happen to be receiving counseling or psychotherapy, your therapist will no doubt find this information useful and informative.
Start by reflecting on your childhood. You may jump-start your memory by talking with rela- tives or by looking through old photo albums. Then move on to answer the questions about your parents or caregivers as well as the questions about your childhood and adolescence.
Don’t worry about getting all the details right — just do the best you can. Memories aren’t always completely accurate, but, in a powerful way, they impact the way you feel today.
Please realize that the intent of this exercise is not to place blame on your parents or other important people in your life. These people indeed may have made significant contributions to your problems, and that’s useful to know. But they came by their own problems as hon- estly as you did. Understanding helps; blame and faultfinding do not.