Goal Setting and Hard Conversations
Proverbs 27:6 Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy
Matthew 16:23 But he turned and said to Peter, “Get behind me, Satan! You are a hindrance to me. For you are not setting your mind on the things of God, but on the things of man.”
Galatians 2:11–14 But when Cephas came to Antioch, I opposed him to his face, because he stood condemned. 12 For before certain men came from James, he was eating with the Gentiles; but when they came he drew back and separated himself, fearing the circumcision party. 13 And the rest of the Jews acted hypocritically along with him, so that even Barnabas was led astray by their hypocrisy. 14 But when I saw that their conduct was not in step with the truth of the gospel, I said to Cephas before them all, “If you, though a Jew, live like a Gentile and not like a Jew, how can you force the Gentiles to live like Jews?”
Philippians 4:2–3 I entreat Euodia and I entreat Syntyche to agree in the Lord. 3 Yes, I ask you also, true companion, help these women, who have labored side by side
73 Patterson et al., Crucial Conversations, 13.
74 Vital Smarts Research, “Corporate Untouchables,” accessed September 29, 2020, https://www.vitalsmarts.com/resource-center/?fwp_resource_type=position-paper%2Cresearch-study.
with me in the gospel together with Clement and the rest of my fellow workers, whose names are in the book of life.
2 Timothy 4:2 preach the word; be ready in season and out of season; reprove, rebuke, and exhort, with complete patience and teaching.
Jude 3–4 Beloved, although I was very eager to write to you about our common salvation, I found it necessary to write appealing to you to contend for the faith that was once for all delivered to the saints. 4 For certain people have crept in unnoticed who long ago were designated for this condemnation, ungodly people, who pervert the grace of our God into sensuality and deny our only Master and Lord, Jesus Christ.
Ask: What are some conclusions we can draw based on these Scripture texts?
b. Get Yourself Prepared
a. Prepare your mind – get clear in your mind what the issue is, what it is you want, and what you don’t want. Avoid the “fool’s choice.”76 The fools choice says you have to choose
i. between speaking up and maintaining unity,
ii. between addressing problematic behavior and keeping the relationship
iii. between speaking the truth and loving the other person
BUT as Christians, do we really have to choose? Is there a way to do both? That’s the key.
What is the outcome that you want?
What is the outcome that you do not want?77
b. Prepare your heart – “Pray that God will open your eyes more fully to the glory of what Christ has done for you. Learn to delight in reading about, meditating on, and rejoicing in Jesus’ completed work on the cross. When your soul, your thoughts, and your conversation are saturated with the gospel, it will overflow into other areas of your life, bringing hope and encouragement to others, even if you are talking to them about their need for repentance and change.” (Ken Sande)78
c. Prepare your words – think through what you are going to say, especially how you will start the conversation; plan your opening statement by writing out what you will say. Think about what particular words you may use, and anticipate how the other person may respond to what you say.79 d. Prepare your response – what are you going to say in response to
anticipated challenges?
76 Patterson et al., Crucial Conversations, 46.
77 Patterson et al., Crucial Conversations, 46.
78 Ken Sande, The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict, rev. ed.
(Grand Rapids: Baker, 2004), 165.
79 Sande, The Peacemaker, 176-77.
c. Have the Conversation (Adapted from Dr. Tim Cochrell)80:
a. Begin with shared goals and purpose – show that you want to work toward something you both want; show that they can trust your motives
i. Example: “I have some thoughts about how we can involve more volunteers on the welcome team each Sunday, and even be more effective in greeting new people. This might be a bit of a sensitive conversation, but I think it could help us if we can talk it through.”
b. Share your facts, tell your story, and invite a different perspective81 – resist making accusations, don’t assume that you have full knowledge of the
situation. and describe the issue – describe the nature of the problem as you see it, include examples, and ask the other person for their perspective
i. Example: “Ever since I started serving on the street evangelism team, I’ve got the impression that you are reluctant to have me say anything directly to the people we meet. When I joined, I
understood that I would be watching for the first three weeks, and then be given opportunity to participate directly in conversations with people. I have been serving now for six weeks and have not been allowed to proceed beyond observation. In fact, when I went to say something to someone last week, you cut me off and didn’t let me back into the dialogue. As far as I know, this is not how you have handled other new people in the past. I don’t know if this is intentional on your part, but I am beginning to feel like you don’t trust me, or that you maybe think I am not clear enough about what we believe. I have even started to wonder if you are worried that I might embarrass you or our church. Can you help me understand what’s going on?”
c. Talk Tentatively – Don’t talk as though your interpretation of the situation is unassailable; use phrases like, “it appears to me,” “I get the impression,”
“perhaps you weren’t aware,” or “in my opinion.”
d. Encourage Two-Way Engagement – this is a conversation not a declaration; let your tone, body language, and explicit invitation for
80 This section, “Have the Conversation,” is adapted from a seminar by Timothy Cochrell,
“Having Hard Conversations in Ministry” (lecture, The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, January 10, 2019).
feedback throughout the conversation convey openness, warmth, and sincerity.
e. Summarize and restate outcomes/conclusions.
f. Learn to Look (Patterson, Crucial Conversations) – “(People) only become defensive when they no longer feel safe. The problem is not the content of your message but the condition of the conversation.”82 Two common responses when people feel unsafe: “silence” or “violence.”83 Watch out for these and be careful not to allow the conversation to devolve when these tactics are present. These are clues that people are being defensive – failure to recognize them can undermine your desired outcomes.
i. Silence tactics include84
1. Masking: sarcasm, sugar-coating; withholding your true opinion
2. Avoiding: discussion avoids sensitive subjects (illustration:
media scrum)
3. Withdrawing: avoiding all conversation, physically leaving ii. Violence tactics include85
1. Controlling: “coercing others to your way of
thinking…done through either forcing your views on others or dominating the conversation”86
2. Labeling: “putting a label on people or ideas so we can dismiss them under a general stereotype.”87
3. Attacking: verbally abusing others, putting them down or attempting to embarrass them, issuing threats.
d. Follow Up After the Conversation – a brief follow-up note, email, etc. soon after the conversation can help to reiterate your conclusions and especially affirm your love in Christ.
82 Patterson et al., Crucial Conversations, 57.
83 Patterson et al., Crucial Conversations, 58-61.
84 Patterson et al., Crucial Conversations, 58-59.
85 Patterson et al., Crucial Conversations, 60-61.
86 Patterson et al., Crucial Conversations, 60.
87 Patterson et al., Crucial Conversations, 60.
The E.N.C.O.U.R.A.G.E. model of confrontation – Paul David Tripp88
E – Examine Your Heart – “Because we struggle with indwelling sin, we must begin with ourselves.”89 We need to be honest about our own shortcomings and humble before the Lord before we can take up a difficult matter with someone else.
N – Note Your Calling – you are there as a representative of the Lord Jesus, and the local church. That doesn’t mean your 100% right, but you want the outcome and how you handle yourself to be honouring to Him.
C – Check Your Attitude – beware of your attitude, and the kinds of words you choose O – Own Your Faults – keep in mind that we need the Lord’s grace just as much as the other person
U – Use Words Wisely – we must plan what we will say; “We need to ask God to help us use words that carry his message, not get in the way of it.”90
R – Reflect on Scripture – “We should enter moments of confrontation with a specific understanding of what Scripture says about the issues at hand.”91 Remember, the Bible is the final authority on all matters of life. Don’t just go looking for a Bible verse that makes your case but be sure to speak and act according the principles of Scripture and approach every issue through a biblical lens.
A – Always be Prepared to Listen – the best kind of confrontation is a two-way conversation where each party hears and understands the other, where questions are asked and answered, where clarification is made, where confession can occur, where the parties involved can perceive each other’s hearts. See James 1:19.
G – Grant Time for a Response – Don’t assume that resolving an issue will happen at once; it often takes time and is a process. How often have you been challenged about your attitude or actions and it took time for the Lord to work in your heart?
E – Encourage the Person with the Gospel – “Scripture says that it is the kindness of God that leads people to repentance (Romans 2:4). The truths of the gospel – both its
challenge and its comfort – must color our confrontation.92
Is there someone with whom you need to have a difficult conversation? Using the guidelines above, begin making specific preparations to do it.
Setting Goals
A goal is simply “a target to be strived for,” and is established for setting a direction to
“focus the energy and efforts of the individual or an organization toward a worthwhile end.”93 Simply put, it is something you intend to do.
88 Paul David Tripp, War of Words: Getting to the Heart of Your Communication Struggles (Phillipsburg, NJ: P & R, 2000), 153-55
89 Tripp, War of Words, 153.
90 Tripp, War of Words, 154.
91 Tripp, War of Words, 154.
92 Tripp, War of Words, 155.
93 Gary Bredfeldt, “Developing Goals and Objectives,” in Management Essentials for Christian Ministries, ed. Michael J. Anthony and James Estep, Jr. (Nashville: Broadman & Holman, 2005), 76.
Goals are specific commitments toward measurable results within a specific period of time.94
When you are setting a goal, you are …
- Making a specific commitment to something that helps carry out your mission/purpose - Aiming at something that is measurable - Determining to accomplish it in a specific
period of time
- Identifying something that needs to happen (priority)
- Going to consider steps that will need to be taken to achieve the goal
Setting Good Goals – Make S.M.A.R.T. Goals
S – specific / stated – write them down, make them clear; it is one thing you are setting out to do
M – measurable – you have to be able to determine that it is accomplished
A – ambitious – goals that are too easily met do not motivate, unify, inspire; it should require “reach”
R – reachable – good goals are not overly ambitious; good goals stretch but are not impossible
T – timely – it is something that needs to happen? Is it a priority? Think about the current needs in your ministry (the people you serve, those you minister with, equipment and resources at your disposal. What needs to happen now? What’s needed next?
Examples: The mission of the church is to glorify God by being disciples of Jesus who make disciple-makers. With this in view, let’s consider some possible goals ministry leaders might set out to make…
• Goal: To worship the Lord in fervently
• Goal: To teach my class better
• Goal: To make coffee time more enjoyable
What do you think of these goals? To what extend are they SMART? What would make them better?
More Examples:
• Goal: To recruit 2 new members to our team
o Step: I/we will review and update the current job description o Step: I/we will compile a list of potential candidates
o Step: I/we will draft an announcement for the newsletter
94 Bredfeldt, “Developing Goals and Objectives,” 77.
What do you think about this goal? Is it SMART? How might we improve it?
• Goal: To provide practical training for my team members o Step: I will identify specific topics to address o Step: I will contact a trainer/ find relevant material o Step: I will coordinate a date and facilities
What do you think about this goal? Is it SMART? How might we improve it?
• Goal: To improve our scheduling system for volunteers in my area of ministry o Step: I will survey the team for feedback on the current system
o Step: I will appoint someone to research options and pricing o Step: I will arrange for training
What do you think about this goal? Is it SMART? How might we improve it?
Think about your ministry – draft 3 goals for this next season of ministry.
Conclusion:
Having hard conversations and setting goals are very different skillsets but both are important to leading ministries well. Taking a disciplined, strategic and courageous approach will enable ministry leaders to handle these tasks well. When done wisely and lovingly, the Lord is honored, and people have the opportunity to be more fruitful to the glory of God.
APPENDIX 7
EXPERT PANEL CURRICULUM EVALUATIONS Curriculum Evaluation Rubric: Dr. John Brown Ministry Leadership Curriculum Evaluation Tool 1= insufficient 2=requires attention 3= sufficient 4=exemplary
Criteria 1 2 3 4 Comments
The content of the lessons is biblically and theologically sound.
4 Each lesson was well introduced from Scripture with subpoints clearly
supported/illustrated by different passages.
The writer foresees and answers objects from Scripture (in lesson & footnotes).
The outcomes and goals of each
lesson are clearly stated. 4 Desired outcomes & goals are clearly stated in the course intro and highlighted at the beginning of each lesson. Subtitles reinforce the goals. Conclusion &
Reflection at the end of each lesson nail down the desired outcomes.
The lessons are well organized
and have a logical flow. 4 The direction of each lesson is laid out at the beginning, and key points/ milestones are emphasized in the headings. Lesson conclusions pull together the points that have been developed.
The content of each lesson is consisted with the stated outcomes and goals.
4 The content definitely supports and moves toward the stated goals.
Instruction accommodates various learning styles by utilizing a variety of teaching methods.
3 The course includes teaching/lecture, Scripture reading by participants, time for personal reflection—including getting students to put parts of the teaching in her/his own words, and discussion. Case study/role playing (Lesson 3).
The lessons are relevant to the
leadership of ministries. 4 As stated at the beginning of Lesson 1, every person in Christian/church ministry periodically asks, Why am I doing this?
Directly and indirectly the course answers this question from different angles.
Outstanding chapter (2) on creating and implementing a plan for personal spiritual growth—perhaps the most crucial area of
“relevance”. Good quotes/references on leadership, incl Kouzes & Posner, Collins, Liborius, Strauch, LaFasto/Larson. Very useful for participants to evaluate their own strengths and areas for growth (lesson 3).
The lessons include clear points
of practical application. 4 Yes, participants are asked to identify at least one practical response to the teaching of each lesson. The challenge at the end of Lesson 2 to write a plan for personal spiritual growth is outstanding (as well as the fact it will be shared one week later).
Very good reminder to create appropriate job descriptions (Lesson 4).
The curriculum is sufficiently thorough in its coverage of the material to equip ministry leaders.
3 This is an excellent introductory course for church ministry volunteers. It well
addresses the biblical call and some key spiritual disciplines of ministry leaders.
Church work is now so specialized, however, with such high expectations &
rigorous reporting required by church members/seekers and
denominational/government overseers, that many course participants would require additional practical training in their departments; e.g. children & youth work, treasurer, counseling, home & hospital visitation, etc. In an introductory course for all your church leaders, there is no way all aspects of ministry leadership can be handled. Follow-up training could include more on the Cost of Leadership, the need for flexibility (“this isn’t what I signed up for”), and how to get to really know the people you minister to. Goal-setting is addressed in Lesson 5, but fairly quickly.
This could be expanded in follow-up sessions or leaders’ retreats.