How Lesbians and Gay Men Decide to Become Parents or Remain Childfree

tors include personal issues, support networks, work-related issues, and intimate partner relation- ships. Existing research also suggests that these factors are greatly shaped by structures of race, class, gender, and sexuality. In general, those with

greater race and class privilege are more likely to access material resources, receive greater support from family members, and intentionally decide to become parents. This chapter will review past lit- erature on lesbian and gay parenting decisions, suggest new questions for further research, and discuss how studying lesbian and gay men’s par- enting decisions informs our understanding of families in general.

Understanding how lesbians and gay men engage in parent decision-making processes is important if we want to understand why, at this historical moment, lesbians and gay men are creating new families that may or may not include children. As the current American family landscape is in great fl ux (Baca Zinn, Eitzen, & Wells, 2011 ; Dunne, 2000 ) , thinking about how lesbian and gay families shape and fi t into that new landscape is crucial to understanding families today.

Furthermore, understanding how lesbians and gay men decide to become parents or remain childfree allows us to understand the process of family formation from its genesis.

The chapter examines literature across a number of disciplines, particularly within the social and behavioral sciences. Each discipline—

including gender and women studies, psychology, public health, queer studies, social work, and sociology—draws on different theoretical foun- dations. Such foundations include ecological theories (e.g., Chabot & Ames, 2004 ; Goldberg, 2010 ) , identity theories (e.g., Berkowitz &

Marsiglio, 2007 ) , life course perspectives (e.g., Goldberg, 2010 ) , feminist and multiracial feminist

How Lesbians and Gay Men Decide to Become Parents or Remain Childfree

Nancy J. Mezey

N. J. Mezey , Ph.D. (*)

Department of Political Science and Sociology , Monmouth University , 400 Cedar Avenue , West Long Branch , NJ 07764 , USA e-mail: nmezey@monmouth.edu

1 As discussed in earlier works (Mezey, 2008a, 2008b ) , I prefer the term “childfree” over the term “childless”

because “childfree” suggests a positive state where women and men have chosen to be free from the responsibilities of child raising, rather than a negative state of something missing or lacking from a person’s life.

60 N.J. Mezey

perspectives (e.g., Berkowitz & Marsiglio, 2007 ; Mezey, 2008a ) , phenomenology (e.g., Gianino, 2008 ) , social constructionism (e.g., Goldberg, 2010 ; Mezey, 2008a ) , and symbolic interactionism (e.g., Berkowitz & Marsiglio, 2007 ) . All of these perspectives emphasize how parenting is socially, not biologically, constructed; however, each perspective also focuses on a slightly different aspect of the parenting decision-making process.

Perspectives such as phenomenology, identity theory, and symbolic interactionism focus on micro-level interactions and the meaning of par- enthood. The other perspectives focus on more macro-social processes. For example, a life course perspective takes a longitudinal focus, and ecological and multiracial feminist perspectives examine the connections between micro-level interpersonal interactions and meaning, and macro-level social institutions and inequalities.

Multiracial feminism is distinct from the other perspectives in that it speci fi cally examines the interconnections of race, class, and gender (Baca Zinn & Dill, 1996 ) . Across the disciplinary spec- trum, the most promising research incorporates an intersectional approach that encourages researchers to examine how structures of race, class, gender, and sexuality—as well as other factors discussed below—overlap to shape par- enting decision-making processes (Boggis, 2001 ; Mezey, 2008a ) .

What We Know About Lesbian and Gay Parenting Decision-Making Processes

For the past two to three decades lesbians and gay men have been creating families while simultane- ously experiencing positive support for, and neg- ative barriers to prevent, the creation of their families ( Berkowitz & Marsiglio, 2007 ; Hequembourg, 2007 ; Mallon, 2004 ; Stacey, 2006 ) . Positive support comes largely from progressive individuals, organizations, and poli- ticians who support lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) rights. Positive support also comes from medical professionals and adoption agencies that make reproductive technologies and adoption available to available to LGBT people.

Negative barriers come largely from conservatives who view LGBT people and their families as a threat to the moral fabric of society (Bernstein &

Reimann, 2001 ) . Negative barriers manifest themselves through legislation such as the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) both on federal and state levels, as well as amendments to state constitutions which prevent same-sex couples from marrying, that together have been instituted in 42 states in the USA (Alliance Defense Fund, 2008 ) . Negative barriers also come in the form of heterosexism and homopho- bia within adoption and foster care systems (Mallon, 2004 ; Stacey, 2006 ) . Furthermore, bar- riers exist on a psychological level, whereby some individuals believe that both “lesbian mother” and “gay father” are oxymorons, largely based on the assumptions that only “real” women (i.e., heterosexual women) can be nurturing par- ents (Berkowitz & Marsiglio, 2007 ; Lewin, 1993 ; Mallon, 2004 ; Stacey, 2006 ) .

In the context of this mixed climate, several key factors—personal issues, access to support networks, work-related issues, and relationships with intimate partners—shape parenting deci- sions among lesbians and gay men. These fac- tors, which are also shaped by structures of race, class, and gender, are discussed in the following sections.

Personal Issues

Three personal issues—that is, issues that occur within the individual experiences and thinking of lesbians or gay men—shape parenting decisions.

These issues include (a) the desire to become a parent or remain childfree, (b) internalized homophobia, and (c) the ability and need to come out (i.e., reveal one’s sexual identity to oneself and others) to negotiate multiple identities.

Although personal in nature, these factors are shaped by outside forces, including one’s posi- tion within hierarchies of race, class, gender, and sexuality. Thus, when examining the reasons why lesbians and gay men make particular parenting decisions, it is important to understand how macro-level social structural and institutional factors shape micro-level personal issues.

61 4 How Lesbians and Gay Men Decide to Become Parents or Remain Childfree

The Desire to Become a Parent or Remain Childfree

When lesbians or gay men want to become parents, or to remain childfree, they often work to turn those desires into a reality. In her study of 50 racially diverse gay men in Los Angeles, whom she interviewed between 1999 and 2003, Stacey ( 2006 ) identi fi ed a “passion-for-parenthood continuum” (p. 33) among the men. On one extreme of the continuum are what Stacey called

“predestined parents”; these men were “com- pelled by a potent, irrepressible longing” (p. 33) to become parents. On the other extreme were

“‘parental refuseniks’ for whom parenthood holds less than no appeal” (Stacey, 2006 , p. 33).

In general, the desire that these men had led them to pursue or not pursue fatherhood.

Similar fi ndings were obtained by Gianino ( 2008 ) and Mallon ( 2004 ) . Gianino ( 2008 ) con- ducted in-depth qualitative interviews with eight gay male parents to study how gay male couples transition from being childfree to becoming par- ents through adoption. He found that participants who became fathers recalled a strong desire to have children. Likewise, Mallon ( 2004 ) inter- viewed 20 gay men who had become fathers as

“out” gay men during the 1980s. He concluded that the men whom he interviewed “felt such a compelling urge to become dads that they were willing to pursue their dream despite the lack of precedent, the lack of support, and the lack of opportunity” (p. 28). However, it is important to note that these studies only included gay men who had already become parents, and the gay men interviewed were mostly White and middle- class. Thus, this research does not provide insight into how some gay men who really want to become fathers are unable to because of eco- nomic and social barriers.

Other research does provide insight into how such barriers can alter people’s parenting deci- sions despite what they may have originally desired (Berkowitz & Marsiglio, 2007 ; Mezey, 2008a ) . For example, Mezey ( 2008a ) conducted a series of eight qualitative focus groups with a total of 17 lesbian mothers and 18 childfree lesbians of diverse race and class backgrounds in the Midwest. Five of the 35 women interviewed

who desired motherhood ultimately remained childfree. Similarly, four of the women inter- viewed who wanted to remain childfree ulti- mately became mothers. These outcomes were shaped largely by lesbians’ different positions within race and class structures. In particular, lesbians privileged by race and class (i.e., White middle-class lesbians) were more likely to turn their parenting desires into realities because they had greater access than those less privileged to all of the factors discussed below: personal pride in their sexual identities, supportive family mem- bers, lesbian mother support networks, support- ive partners, fl exible jobs, fi nancial stability, and access to physicians and adoption agencies.

Research by Stacey ( 2006 ) , however, suggests that geographic location may intersect with race and class such that gay men of color and gay men from working-class backgrounds who live in areas with large and active lesbian and gay com- munities may be able to overcome economic and social barriers to become fathers. Despite coming from economically disadvantaged backgrounds and/or being racial-ethnic minorities, some of the gay men in Los Angeles whom she interviewed and who really wanted to become parents ulti- mately were able to ful fi ll that desire. As Stacey ( 2006 ) writes, af fl uent White couples

Can literally purchase the means to eugenically reproduce White infants in their own idealized image …. In contrast, for gay men who are less privileged and/or uncoupled, public agencies provide a grab-bag of displaced children who are generally older, darker, and less healthy. (p. 39)

Thus, while Stacey ( 2006 ) found that race and class matter, how they matter may be different for different groups of lesbians and gay men depend- ing on where in the USA they live.

It is also true that not all lesbians and gay men have a strong desire to parent or to remain child- free; some lesbians and gay men are quite ambivalent (Mezey, 2008a ; Stacey, 2006 ) . Stacey ( 2006 ) found that approximately half of the men she interviewed fell into the “ambivalent” category and therefore could be swayed toward, or away from, fatherhood depending on a variety of factors, most notably having a persistent partner. Mezey ( 2008a ) also found that more ambivalent lesbians could be swayed by a number of factors either

62 N.J. Mezey

to become parents or to remain childfree. These factors included many of the issues that are addressed next.

Internalized Homophobia

A second personal issue that shapes lesbians’ and gay men’s parenting decisions is internalized homophobia. Because we live in a heterosexist and homophobic society (Stacey, 1996 ) , many lesbians and gay men internalize societal mes- sages that communicate that homosexuality is wrong or immoral; that lesbians and gay men make un fi t parents; and that children will be harmed if they are raised by lesbians and gay men, particularly because children need both a mother and a father (Brown, Smalling, Groza,

& Ryan, 2009 ; Gianino, 2008 ; Goldberg, 2010 ; Mallon, 2004 ). Because of internalized homopho- bia, lesbians and gay men may question their own right and ability to become parents. Such ques- tioning often leads to personal doubt that presents a real barrier to becoming a parent (Brown et al., 2009 ; Gianino, 2008 ; Mallon, 2004 ) .

In Berkowitz and Marsiglio’s ( 2007 ) qualita- tive study of 19 childfree gay men and 20 gay fathers from Florida and New York, many of the childfree men displayed their internalized homophobia by voicing concerns about how peo- ple might treat or tease their potential children, particularly because of heterosexist norms, homophobic attitudes, and sexist understandings of men not being able to nurture children. Potential fathers also worried about how their family struc- ture might negatively in fl uence their children’s experiences and life chances. Thus, internalized homophobia may have kept some of these ambiv- alent men from pursuing parenthood.

The Ability and Need to Come Out Connected to internalized homophobia is the abil- ity of lesbians and gay men to safely and comfort- ably come out. The coming out process is greatly shaped by one’s social location determined by race and class (Espín, 1997 ; Goldberg, 2010 ;

Mezey, 2008b ; Smith, 1998 ) . Partially due to the long history of oppression in which White people have sexualized African-Americans in a variety of ways, many Black communities have developed a homophobic response to their gay and lesbian members (Greene, 1998 ) . In addition, Latino cul- ture places a high value on family honor, which is closely connected to the sexual purity of women (Espín, 1997 ) . Furthermore, both Black and Latino communities are often closely tied with larger church communities. Thus, when lesbians and gay men of color come out, they may risk los- ing both their family and their community ties (Espín, 1997 ; Roberts, 2004 ) .

Working-class, White lesbians also face dif fi culties coming out. Because working-class, White families might not want to overtly acknowl- edge their child’s sexual identity, they may, similar to families of color, be willing to adopt a “don’t ask, don’t tell” practice whereby their lesbian or gay family member can remain part of the family unit as long as there is no open display or men- tion of one’s sexual identity in front of the family (Mezey, 2008b ) .

While not always an easy process, coming out for middle-class, White lesbians and gay men holds fewer risks than for lesbians and gay men of color and/or working-class lesbians and gay men, because White, middle-class people in gen- eral hold greater economic and social power. ² Furthermore, because White, middle-class lesbi- ans and gay men come from families that are not necessarily strongly intertwined with larger communities, middle-class, White lesbians and gay men tend not to risk losing connection to communities outside their families if they come out (Brinamen & Mitchell, 2008 ) .

Whether or not lesbians or gay men can come out to their family is important to their self-esteem and ability to feel comfortable within multiple identities. The necessity of negotiating multiple

2 Middle-class includes those with at least a college degree, hold management-level positions, and earn a comfortable wage in which they can save some of their earnings.

Working-class includes those with an associate’s degree or less, who work at “blue collar” jobs and whose wages do not allow them to save much or any of their earnings (Mezey, 2008a ) .

63 4 How Lesbians and Gay Men Decide to Become Parents or Remain Childfree

identities becomes even stronger for lesbians and gay men who want to become parents. Regarding parenting decisions, the fear that lesbians and gay men have of coming out to their own parents can deter their decisions to become parents themselves (Brown et al., 2009 ; Mezey, 2008a, 2008b ) . The more accepting people’s families are of their sex- ual identity, the easier it is for them to turn their parenting desires into a parenting reality. Drawing on qualitative responses that were part of a larger survey study of 182 mostly White, well-educated lesbian and gay adoptive parents across the coun- try, Brown et al. ( 2009 ) found that a major barrier to becoming a parent was the negative response of their family. Ultimately, however, these respondents became parents, despite their parents’ resistance.

Similarly, Mezey ( 2008b ) found that middle-class, White lesbians had the least struggle in terms of coming out and divulging their plans to become parents. While coming out for this group was stress- ful, on the whole middle-class, White lesbians found their families to be supportive of both their sexual identities and their desires to become mothers, leav- ing intact a supportive family network.

For lesbians and gay men of color, and for working-class lesbians and gay men, divulging a desire to parent is more dif fi cult (Brinamen &

Mitchell, 2008 ; Mezey, 2008b ) . In Mezey’s ( 2008a, 2008b ) study, lesbians of color, regardless of class, found coming out to their families stress- ful, particularly if they added the news that they wanted to become mothers. Lesbians of color who found that coming out and sharing their desire to parent might mean losing extended family sup- port often delayed or abandoned their desires to become mothers. Working-class, White lesbians found that their families were often neutral, not fully embracing their lesbian parenting identities, but not rejecting them either (Mezey, 2008b ) . Given the race and class differences in how par- ents respond to lesbians and gay men coming out, and particularly coming out through the announce- ment of their desire to parent, it is not surprising that in Berkowitz and Marsiglio’s ( 2007 ) study most of the fathers they studied were White and middle class. The childfree fathers, on the other hand, came from more diverse racial and class backgrounds than the fathers.

Despite similarities between the struggles or ease of coming out among lesbians and gay men, one difference by gender may be that while many lesbians appear to be coming out as a necessary step to becoming mothers, gay men seem to regard coming out as closing the door on becoming a par- ent (Brinamen & Mitchell, 2008 ; Mallon, 2004 ) . Although there has been a large increase in the number of out gay men who have become parents, many gay men still perceive “gay father” to be an oxymoron. Therefore, for some gay men, coming out means deciding between being gay and being a father (Bergman, Rubio, Green, & Padron, 2010 ) .

Historically, lesbian motherhood has also tended to be regarded as an oxymoron (Lewin, 1993 ) . Yet the visibility of lesbian motherhood over the past several decades, along with the cul- tural expectation that women in general will become mothers (Hicks, 2006 ) , may make com- ing out for lesbians seem more like a necessary step, rather than a closed door, to becoming a parent (Brinamen & Mitchell, 2008 ) .

Clearly the above personal issues are experi- enced as just that—very personal. However, it is important to understand how the larger social con- text external to lesbians and gay men shape those personal issues. Berkowitz and Marsiglio ( 2007 ) found that the personal way in which gay men experienced the process of becoming fathers or remaining childfree was mediated by larger social factors including interactions with other people’s children, as well as with lesbian mothers and gay fathers. For example, the death of a partner or family member and exposure to adoption or sur- rogacy organizations often sparked a “procreative consciousness” in gay men, leading them to want to become parents. In addition, gay potential par- ents needed to have substantial fi nancial resources, resources that in general are reserved for those privileged by class.

Access to Support Networks, Information, and Resources

The second main factor that shapes lesbian and gay men’s parenting decisions is access to sup- port networks, information, and resources. Such

64 N.J. Mezey

support comes from accessing two major resources (a) lesbian and gay parent networks and (b) legal and medical information and ser- vices (Brown et al., 2009 ; Henehan, Rothblum, Solomon, & Balsam, 2007 ; Mezey, 2008a ) .

Lesbian and Gay Parent Networks Support from other lesbians and gay men shapes lesbian and gay men’s parenting decision-making processes. For lesbians and gay men—regardless of race or class—proximity to, and knowledge about and from other gay and lesbian parents, is very important to those who decide to become parents (Berkowitz & Marsiglio, 2007 ; Brown et al., 2009 ; Mallon, 2004 ; Mezey, 2008a ) . According to Brown et al. ( 2009 ) , 21 (11.5%) of the 182 adoptive lesbian and gay parents in their study stated that the lack of knowledge that lesbi- ans and gay men can adopt children was one of the biggest challenges to overcome in making the decision to become a parent. Other participants noted that had they known about gay friendly adoption agencies sooner, they would have had become parents earlier. Lesbians and gay men in places with larger lesbian and gay parent com- munities such as Los Angeles (Stacey, 2006 ) and New York City (Mallon, 2004 ) appear to have greater access to knowledge, role models, and support groups than those living in less urban areas (Goldberg, 2010 ) .

In addition to geographic location, Mezey ( 2008a ) also found that when making mothering decisions, race and class positions shape lesbi- ans’ access to lesbian support networks. She found that White, middle-class lesbians have greater access to lesbian-parent role models and support networks than do working-class lesbians and lesbians of color, particularly because lesbian

“communities” are divided by race and class (Kennedy & Davis, 1993 ) , as well as by mother- ing decisions (i.e., those who chose to become mothers and those who chose to remain child- free). For example, working-class, White lesbi- ans in Mezey’s ( 2008a ) study reported that their communities were divided along lines of mother- ing decisions. In making parenting decisions,

therefore, they needed to decide if alienating lesbians with (or without) children was worth the risk of either becoming a parent or remaining childfree. Once they decided to become mothers, however, working-class, White lesbians were able—often with considerable effort on their part—to fi nd and gain access into middle-class, White lesbian mother communities.

Working-class lesbians of color in this study, on the other hand, found their communities to be less divided by mothering decisions. However, those who wanted to become mothers could not always fi nd or access other lesbians who had become mothers. Because they were not well integrated into lesbian parent networks, and therefore had limited knowledge about where to fi nd or how to access necessary resources such as gay-friendly physicians, working-class lesbians of color often deferred or delayed their decisions to become mothers (Mezey, 2008a ) .

Middle-class lesbians, regardless of race, also had an easier time than their working-class counterparts in accessing other lesbians who were either childfree or mothers. Meeting other lesbians who were mothers gave them the con fi dence that they could make whatever choice they wanted, but also that they could access the resources they needed to become mothers (Mezey, 2008a ) . Some of the gay men in Berkowitz and Marsiglio’s ( 2007 ) study also bene fi ted from lesbian mother networks in that such networks helped them decide to become fathers.

Access to Legal and Medical Information and Services

An important question for lesbians and gay men who want to become parents is how to logisti- cally achieve that goal (Agigian, 2004 ; Goldberg, 2010 ; Hequembourg, 2007 ; Mallon, 2004 ) . Although there is evidence that some lesbians use heterosexual intercourse (Hequembourg, 2007 ; Mezey, 2008a ) , most lesbians become mothers through adoption, foster care, or donor (i.e., alter- native) insemination (Agigian, 2004 ; Goldberg, 2010 ) . If choosing the latter, lesbians generally purchase sperm through a sperm bank, many of