5.4 PART ONE: Phases of HIV and AIDS 124
5.5.1 Initial Psychological Anxieties after Diagnosis 135
5.5.1.8 Issues of Morality 153
Educators are an important part of the functioning of the school, according to the National Education Policy Act 27 of 1996, educators are expected to uphold and display the seven roles of the educator, one of these being the nurturing and shaping of young minds through education
which includes sound moral values, hence educators are considered to be icons of morality, “in loco parentis” (parents in the classroom/school). They are entrusted with promoting sound, moral values that are acceptable in society. Hence an educator’s words and actions are expected to display moral overtones. Apart from parents, teachers are possibly the most powerful agents of change and growth in a child’s life, teachers possess the power, through their personhood, to transform the lives of learners. Zappulla (1997) says that moral and ethical obligations are placed on teachers to act as quintessential role models through their words, gestures, and actions. They are expected, through personal example, to embody model qualities of character such as respect, dignity, integrity, compassion, and tolerance. Bellah et al (1991) explain that the collective moral character of the classroom is not created and defined once and then permanently fixed for all time, but with each new word, gesture and action, the teacher creates, recreates, and then recreates again the nature and quality of that experience. Bellah et al (1991) contend that educators are one category of people that make up an educational institution and they exist in a dynamic relationship with the larger community which touches many lives. While much has been said about the important role of the educator in the school environment, and the advocacy for empowerment and support via the various education policies on HIV and AIDS, the stigma and discrimination against HIV-positive teachers is still rife, as Delene, Siwina and Thandiwe shared some of their experiences at their schools.
Living with HIV is very difficult, especially for an educator, as Ashwin described. In terms of his experiences in his school on a daily basis, he isolated himself because he was afraid to face his colleagues in case they saw HIV symptoms on him and asked questions. He further added that the stress of living in secrecy made him very ill and he had to be put off work. He even did his shopping during the very early hours of the day so that he did not meet anyone he knew.
Delene, Siwina and Thandiwe also had similar experiences at their schools, as Delene explained:
I was still battling to come to terms with my HIV status, I needed all the love and support I could get and here were my colleagues discriminating against me; school was not the place for me, I had to think seriously about another job
For Siwina, an HIV-positive diagnosis was very difficult to accept, because she was true to her husband and did not stray out of the marriage. She believed that her husband was also true to her,
Chapter Five Indrashnee Devi Appalsamy Analysis: On Analysing Participants Voices and Emotions
D.Ed Thesis: An insight into the experiences of educators living with HIV and AIDS in the context of
schooling and beyond 155
hence her anger, as a victim of circumstances. She was angry that people would judge her as a promiscuous women who deserved what she has got. Siwina shared her experiences:
I cannot explain to you how I felt, I think I just went numb, I was hollow and empty inside. I began thinking about all the people and the stories I heard about HIV- positive people, their isolation, the stigma and discrimination. I now feared that I was going to be put in that group where others referred to me with three fingers (HIV)
Siwina went on to describe what happened at her school:
At school we have a staff member whose sister is HIV-positive and people at school are very unfriendly towards her; this teacher is affected by her sister’s HIV status and the staff are isolating her. I am in a worse position, I am infected with HIV… the staff will throw me out of the school if they know my status
While anxiety is highlighted in this first phase of the infection, this psychological emotion along with fear, shame, stigma and discrimination, is present in all the stages of the virus. In Siwina’s description of the incident at her school, it is evident that the stigmatization of HIV is rife, hence the anxiety suffered by her and the other participants in this study. Siwina’s fear of the staff’s reaction should they find out about her secret made her very anxious, so she had to maintain her secrecy at all cost.
Thandiwe described her unhappiness at her school:
I have stopped going to the staffroom because I often sit by myself and nobody talks to me, I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I ask you, ‘what could I do, I can only pray for strength to see me through the rest of my days
The unfriendly behaviour of her colleagues, her poor state of health and keeping this huge secret from her family caused much anxiety and stress for Thandiwe.
Isolation
When a person is diagnosed HIV-positive, the fear, anxiety and stress caused them to go through various stages in order to handle the virus. Some of these stages are isolation, rejection, loneliness and frustration. At times the infected individual brings about their own isolation by retreating into themselves; they may go about their normal routine, but psychologically retreat
into themselves. Annaline described her feelings of isolation and rejection after people learnt that she was HIV positive:
After giving that talk at the bank and how cruel people were towards an HIV- positive person, people still behave in that hurtful fashion - I felt like a leper, isolated by society
Some HIV-positive people can remain healthy for many years, without showing any symptoms, while others may deteriorate rapidly, develop AIDS and die in a few months. Thandiwe in this study found it very difficult to come to terms with this virus, and her problem was compounded by her secrecy and isolation. All the participants in this study suffered isolation, which came about as a result of fear, stigma and discrimination: HIV positive people suffer in silence.
Silence, because of their decision not to disclose for fear of being caught up in the vicious cycle of stigma and discrimination
Loneliness and Frustration
From the data, it is evident that loneliness and frustration is experienced by HIV-positive people when they isolate themselves, because of the secrecy around disclosure, and the perception by the HIV infected person that people are suspicious about their loneliness and frustration. Loneliness during this first phase of the virus is mainly self-inflicted. Ashwin is of the opinion that isolation causes loneliness and this is related to secrecy. He said:
Now that I am living alone, this loneliness just about kills me, I try to immerse myself inmy school work, my preparation and marking are all up-to-date because I try to keep myself occupied. I do not go out much, I don’t have many friends and my relatives shun me because of my HIV status
Siwina spoke of her loneliness which also caused her frustration. In her case, she was infected by her husband, but she was too afraid to talk about her status to him and since the questions she asked went unanswered, this caused her much frustration:
At this stage I did not know whether I was more angry or more afraid of what was happening to me. I heard about pre-and post-HIV test counseling but I did not have any and I was too upset to ask. How did I become infected?
Siwina was a single parent, and spoke of her loneliness and the anxiety about looking after her children. At times she was very angry because she was infected. Both Ashwin and Siwina spoke about loneliness and frustration. In Ashwin’s case he became a victim of secrecy, as he was
Chapter Five Indrashnee Devi Appalsamy Analysis: On Analysing Participants Voices and Emotions
D.Ed Thesis: An insight into the experiences of educators living with HIV and AIDS in the context of
schooling and beyond 157
shocked into silence after his immediate family disowned him. His perceived solace came out of immersing himself in his school work, which kept him busy. Although Siwina had her family, she too was lonely. Her little children needed her, and she had to see to their every need. Her parents were old and she did not want to stress them, so she carried the burden of her infection alone. She did not have anyone to converse with at her level. Weiner, Perry & Magnusson (1998) argue that people allocate more blame to those who contract stigmatised diseases that are perceived as controllable and stable than those who have supposedly less controllable and less stable stigmatised diseases.
A sense of loss and loneliness was a common thread that ran through the emotions of the participants in this study, and especially for people living alone. It was clearly seen when Delene expressed her feelings:
I wanted a shoulder to cry on, I wanted to feel the comfort of the family home, I do not want to die.
For Delene, loss and loneliness was exacerbated because she lived alone; she wanted her family around her, she was afraid of death. In Thandiwe’s case, loneliness meant not having anyone to share her secret with. Her daughter is her only child, and her concern was that her daughter will not have a sibling for comfort when she is alone.
Whilst loneliness and frustration has been experienced by all the participants, the issue of self- imposed loneliness must also be taken into consideration. Thandiwe said that she stopped going to the staffroom and Ashwin chose to keep to himself by immersing himself in school work.
Data evidence showed that in addition to the above discussed emotional issues, other psychological anxieties prevailed.