5.2 Findings on content – Silence and HIV/AIDS
5.2.2 Silence in relationships
they neither know how to think for themselves nor do they trust their own opinions.
This system is also very dangerous for boys because as they grow up, they witness the way that their father communicates with their mother and they grow up believing that life is supposed to be that way. Thus when they are in relationships, for example, they are the ones that decide everything, for example, whether they want to use condoms or not.
Furthermore this system projects that they (men) know everything, putting pressure on them not to ask for information even when they do not know.
conversations.
When asked if they persuade their boyfriends to use condoms they girls just looked at each other and laughed and one of the girls exclaimed:
Hee ee a tla re khale o lietsa (No he will say I have been engaged in sexual activities and he will think that you are loose). (Focus group discussion, 11th July 2006)
The above response substantiates the point made earlier on by Holland et al. (1991:19) that girls do not want to initiate condom use because they do not want to be seen by their partners as sexually aggressive even if that puts them at risk of contracting the disease.
The above response also indicates that girls tend not to like talking about sex with their friends, with strangers or with their boyfriends. This is attributed to the fact that sex is a taboo subject and young girls practising it are seen as loose (hence they thought I would judge them). Apart from this is the fact that as young girls grow up they are taught from an early age to keep to themselves. Common phrases used in Lesotho for young women are “u tlaba mosali ea jaong ea ratang litaba,ea senang sefuba” (What type of wife will you be who likes talking too much and doesn’t know how to keep secrets). The culture of secretiveness is further instilled in them when they begin their menstrual cycle, as has been mentioned already.
This problem however of women not confiding in each other is not only observed in young females but it also stretches to the older women. In one of the lunch breaks, as I was talking with some of the villagers, they noted:
Ao ngoaneso this is such a good project; but it is a pity that it is going to end after you people leave. There is just too much gossip here in Malealea and even if people did come it would not work as people would not be honest with each other. They are scared that whatever that they say will be used against them. (Informal conversation, 7th July 2006)
While this response from the women may show the culture of silence as something so pervasive that PPT can make no difference, it instead shows that it cannot immediately get people out of an oppressive situation. Behavioural change is a process and the first step is making people aware that there is a problem that needs attention. Thus in the above response the women have realised that there is a problem that needs to be resolved so that people can begin to use PPT to solve their problems without them feeling like they are being judged.
The finding also illustrates that even if people are aware of their oppressive situations, it is difficult for them to get out of them as they have been submerged in that situation for a long time. Thus even if they want to change their situation it should be understood that change is a process and it takes time and people need to get used to it.
This finding also substantiates the point made by Harding (1988:5) that PPT projects should not be once-off events whereafter the catalysts leave the community. Harding states that the catalysts need to go back to the community for a follow-up and establish the progress of the project. The statement above indicates that more intervention is still needed if the people of Malealea are to carry on with the project on their own – otherwise the project will lead to pointing of fingers and in that way problems will not be addressed.
In the focus group that I had with the boys, when I asked them who they confide in with regard to their relationships, they stated that they confide in their friends and anybody whom they are with, depending on where they are. One respondent noted
If we are all sitting together, maybe at the café (where they sometimes just sit) or we are herding the cattle or drinking beer, if the conversation turns to girls then we will just talk about them. (Focus group discussion, 8th July 2006)
However, some of them mentioned that they do not talk about the girls that they really love.
I tell my friends everything that I do with my girlfriends and if I want to ask a girl out I tell my friends and we talk about it. (Focus group discussions, 8th July 2006)
Most of the boys shared the same sentiments. When asked if they ever discuss using a condom with their girlfriends, the boys stated that they do not.
You know how girls are, first you have to convince her that you should sleep together and she will tell you that she is scared and she will keep saying no without telling you why and in the end she will agree so, sometimes I take condoms but sometimes I don’t because with girls they never make up their mind. (Focus group discussions, 8th July 2006)
I don’t use condoms because I love my girlfriend and I don’t like them. (Focus group discussions, 8th July 2006)
When I’m with my girlfriend if I ask her if we should have sex she will say she does not want to have a baby but if I show her a condom she will not answer and sometimes she does not know that I’m not using it. (Focus group discussions, 8th July 2006)
From the above responses it can be seen that the boys are the ones who decide whether to use condoms or not and many do not use condoms simply because they do not like using them. Another reason why they do not use condoms is that they do not know how to use them, as evidenced in the response below:
The first time I had sex with a girl I did not use a condom as I did not know how to use it.
I did not want to ask my friends how to use it as they would laugh at me. (Focus group discussions, 8th July 2006)
From the above response it can be seen that although boys claim that they talk about everything, when it comes to sex there are things that they would rather not talk about,
presumably because it is embarrassing for them to accept that there are things that they do not know. This is linked to a tendency amongst men/boys to look to other men/boys to affirm their manhood; asking question about certain issues such as sex may make them feel less of a man, so they would rather take chances. As frightening as this may be, it provides a point of departure when carrying out HIV/AIDS campaigns as it presents knowledge as to where people are in terms of both their thinking and their practice.
The findings from the focus group discussions indicate that there is a vast difference in the way that both sexes relate to each other, boys to boys and girls to girls. Although the boys tell each other most things and are far more open, they are also selective in their choice of who they talk to and who and what they speak about. The more meaningful the topic, it seems, the less they communicate. This can be attributed to the fact that as boys grow they are taught that real men don’t show their feelings. Sesotho phrases such as
“monna ke nku ha a lle” (a man is a sheep and is not supposed to cry) reinforce the notion that men are not to show vulnerability – a man is supposed to be strong like a sheep, because even when you slaughter it, it does not make a sound.
The findings also illustrate that there is a lack of trust amongst young women. The females are conscious about who they share their secrets with, as they fear that their friends might let them down and disclose their secrets. They also fear that sometimes if their friends know that they are having sexual relationships, they will be labelled as promiscuous. The fact that they do not talk to each other makes them more susceptible to the epidemic, although at times the fact that they do not know anything seems to be a relief to their parents. This lack of trust can be interpreted as a consequence of oppression since it divides the oppressed and keeps them weak (Freire, 1970).
It can therefore be seen that there is a gap of silence that exists within families, within relationships and friendships. Therefore this silence needs to be broken down as silence is one of the factors that exacerbate the epidemic.