(Fifth Floor)
COLLINS STREET
July, 1915. THE SPECULUM. 185
Viment. The Head Serang bowed again. This bending Process continued till both prinicpals were puffed with exhaustion, when a truce was declared. J—e's face went a crimson hue as one little fellow, with a short, ticklish
mo.," the charms of which are well and favourably known to the opposite sex, made towards the table where she and fair partner were working. Neither raised her head, as each happened (?) to be tracing the path of the femoral nerve. The officer, whose knowledge of our language was insufficient to start a conversation with unintroduced ladies, remained a couple of minutes, and then, as there was nothin' doin', pushed off and rejoined his pals. The visit ended with three British cheers and .a Japanese " Banzai,"
and we commenced work once again.
Ossy's saliva tests went off most successfully ; so well,' in fact, that it has been suggested that competitions in the Production of the Yan Yean-like liquid be held regularly amongst the Second Year.
More Second Year Volunteers..---L. Barnett, C. Buntine,
J.
H. De Ravin, E. G. Dermer, F. J. Grant, R. H. Hardy, G. E. Mackay, L. G. Male, H. D. Mills, J. R. Walker, L. S. Woods, all in the A.A.M.C. and D. D. McCowan, in the artillery. The name of L. R. Marks, First Year, 1914, was inadvertently omitted from list of volunteers in last" Speculum."
Messrs. Cohen, Delprat, Fitchett and G. A. Thompson have received commissions as captains in Lord Berry's New Army.
"We were all very glad to ,see that Dr. Lamble has sufficiently improved in health to enable him to lecture again.
On 2nd July Ossy lectured on " How to Feed a Great Army in the Melba Hall." His statistics were probably Obtained from observations made on the lemonade and bun fight at the Freshers' annual social.
, We take this opportunity of thanking Prof. Berry fot his kindness in lending his own copies of the elusive
i?opoamle.teholz to Second Year students for use in the dissecting Our "Son of the Soil" desires it to he notified that the aPPlause accorded to him the other day on his return to the dissecting room, after twenty minutes' absence, was not It was a case of false alarm. Try Mg SO4,
186 THE SPECULUM. July, 1915- Congratulations to the Stewart Lecturer on his recent engagement ! The inevitable result, according to Mendel's law of heredity, ought to be a second Brookes.
Geoff. and Harry " Sarge " (as Dicky calls him), the gentlemen jocks, are now looking for suitable mounts in the Prosector's Stakes. They are both in excellent form, as they have been training assiduously on the clothes horse at home for some time.
The ladies of Second Year will not be " at home " on
every Wednesday, their time being occupied in sewing saucy, soft, short shirts for soldiers, and knitting keenly for the (k)needs of their kinsmen who are busy krushing the apostles of Kultur,
Mr. Bobna Than, our bloodthirsty boxer, has resumed practise at the old address, and will extend a helping hand (probably a straight left) to anyone seeking assistance in matters pugilistic.
FIRST YEAR.
Nothing of a startling nature has happened to mar the pleasures of First Year. This is the time when those who came up with the determination to get a good start with the work have just begun to feel a bit sick of it ; while those who started their course with the idea of taking it easy are just thinking about starting work.
Lectures are still as dull and uninteresting as ever.
Last term a deputation waited on Prof. Laby, to ask if he would try and make himself clearer in his lectures.
The result is a picture show. Movies three times a week.
We would suggest to Prof. Laby, with the idea of making these entertainments still brighter, that he procure the ser- vices of our sprinting Charlie Chapman with the catching laugh.
One of our number seems to be a very versatile gentle- man, and we are wondering if he has not picked the wrong course to do. He will be remembered at the Bundoora Camp as chief groom, but someone has it that he has lately taken up elephant training. We would all love to meet Mrs. Jumbo.
A collegiate member, with the epiblast socks, has informed us that he intends to get busy on the Turks at the end of the term.. [Anything to escape the rabbit.]
With this in view, he consulted his medical adviser, who
July, 1915. THE SPECULUM. 187 says that he is in perfect health. We would warn him that, if he continues to " do the Block " every night, a lot can happen in two months.
The gambling lawyer has decided to devote his studies to medicine. He is always closely attended by his " guar- dian angel," so it is rumoured that he has not missed a lecture for a week.
Our sporting friend still continues to " lay " his " dead birds " in the Club House. We are pleased to hear that he is standing sponsor to Prof. Masson for the good beha- viour of med. students during lectures, and hope he won't find the task too arduous.
From a budding Nat. Phil. genius comes the definition that " the Dew-point is the tip of Crawk's prominent organ."
It is rumoured, on reliable authority, that O'Halloran was nearly on the point of attending a lecture last term.
We can earnestly and sincerely recommend several Second Year Meds., by whom many of us have been badly stung, to take to secondhand bookselling, for therein lies their genius.
Our Bard, full of faded fantasies and Sunday coffee, languidly flaunted an empty cigarette case. We kindled his effusion with a Capstan. He was relieved ; but the mere mention of certain words and famous, but nameless,
" parks," mingled smoke and amorous plaints. We feared and left. Since, our Bard also has disappeared. One highly distracted clue remains :
HIS RONDEAU.
A dimpling cheek's vermilioned hues, Wandering curls and high-heeled shoes ;
A mincing step, a haunting flutt- Ering of silken—Ssh ! Tut-tut ! Who mentioned wanton parlez-vows?
0 , do your modest thews St. Kilda's blisses now refuse, To seek instead the blushes shut
Up there in six?
Mine could not, for their cultured views Now look on stars with fond adieus, As sweetening those soft, imutt-
Erable nothngs—Blimey ! but
What booteth this, since you, my Muse, Have pinched from six
x88 THE SPECULUM. July, 1915.
Wail of a Fresher.
Oh, it's hard to be a fresher, And forever to look green, And to smile appreciation
On the Prof.'s jokes—never seen.
And it's hard to seem to swank it, And to try to be a " head,"
When the real nuts do not know you, And the sham ones cut you dead.
And it's hard to be an author,
And to write the stuff that's read, But the hardest part of all is,
You're not famous till you're dead!
Liber Epicurus.
The milk that the Buffet sells is not strained, It tasteth as the gentle rain from Heaven,
If it were mixed with chalk : It is twice skimmed, 'Tis skimmed by him that milks and him that sells.
CHAPTER I.
1. The words of Epicurus, the son of Aliah the Arab- iannite.
2. And it came to pass as he sojourned in the city of Var he did sit with the scribes in the halls of his fathers, and did hearken unto the words of the Profet Alabi Theboshtah.
3. And he did behold the full glory of the Profet and did learn that to " er " is the way of all flesh.
4. And the spirit of misunderstanding did come upon the scribes and they did stamp their feet, so that there was as the sound of many waters and the dust as of many chariots.
5. And the Profet waxed wroth and did admonish Lhem, and rendered some desolate, as he did cause them to de'art from out of the light of his presence.
6. And Epicurus crept out down the back staircase.
7. And the time that he fasted in the Wilderness of Brainz was forty minutes and forty seconds.
CHAPTER II.
1. And a voice from Below did call Epicurus.
2. And it was as the winds passing through the tops of the cedars of Lebanon or through the Hospital Tent at Broadmeadows.
3. And the voice spake these words, saying : Rise thee up and leave thy kindred and thy wives and rest not until thou findest food wherewith thou mayest eat.
4. And Epicurus arose and went on his way until he came to the Land of the Meds. and the Persians, a land flowing with tea at* coffee.
5. And as he journeyed he came upon an exceeding great multitude, even as the hosts before the " Age " office.
6. And when he did come nigh he did see two damsels fair to look upon, goodly persons and well favoured.
7. And they did deliver small portions of food up to the people, who did pour gold and silver into their coffers.
8. And the men did perforce tarry long ere the damsels tendered to their wants, and there was a murmuring heard in the camp.
9. And as he did wait until it was the pleasure of the damsels that he be served or that the handmaiden might wash a cup that he might drink, slumber fell upon his eyes, and he dreamed a dream.
CHAPTER III.
1. And it was as though there stood before him a figure of twenty cubits, and a span carrying a staff of shitem wood.
2. And it spake unto him saying: Hearken unto my words, oh ; Epicurus.
3. Take up thy bed and get thee hence, lest the Philis- tines he upon thee and despoil thee of thine hard-earned shekels.
4. Take not heed of the eyes of woman nor of her words, and be not desirous of her dainties, for they be deceitful wares.
5. And her cream cakes an abomination to all the earth.
6. For is it not written : To be taken in everywhere is to see the inside of everything.
7. Yet do I say it is a most unjust thing.
8. For if thou he taken in by a pie, thou seest not the inside thereof, as there be none.
THE SPECULUM. 189
July, 1915.
190 THE SPECULUM. July, 1915.
CHAPTER IV.
1. And be it not a saying of the Profits that one ball of margerine is better than no butter.
2. Verily, verily, I say unto you, the frogs in Prac. Bi.
goeth a long way, but the butter at the Buffet goeth further yet.
3. And some have fed the multitude on two loaves and five fishes, but who hitherto has fed them on two pounds of butter and got paid for it.
4. Verily the age of miracles is not yet passed.
5. And Epicurus awoke, and behOd it was a dream.
CHAPTER V.
1. And he did commune with himself, saying : Must I take heed unto the words of the Spirit and get me hence whilst yet mine abdo. is an aching void.
2. And the woman did smile upon him with soulful eyes, and his brain was afire as though he had drunken of wine.
3. And she did tempt him to eat of the forbidden fruit, and his heart was deceived, and he did buy thereof, so that he was broke as if he had been playing Crawk billiards for dollars.
4. And he took the food to a table and did eat, and was not satisfied.
5. For was not the tea as weak as the jokes of the Profs.
6. And the butter as the waters of the Dead Sea.
7. Now it came to pass that as he sate there a man, a follower of Bill Yids, did buy a pie and eat thereof so that he died.
8. And Epicurus did take twelve scones and built them together, so that they might be a memorial• to future generations.
9. And Epicurus had eaten of napoleons, sandwiches and divers other things.
10. So that it happened in the twenty-first year of his life he was stricken with grievous pain in the Club House.
1 1. And Epicurus slept with his fathers.
12. And so did his sisters and his cousins and his aunts.
" CIRE NOSLETTE."
July, 1915. TI-TE SPECl - 1.1. 191
Don Juan.
A New Canto.
Then Juan wandered round the mud-filled lake, Whose glory, famed in Bob's wild peroration, Made Juan sniffle for its beauty's sake,
Until he sniffed the smell of its stagnation.
He swore there's no shop course he'd ever take Were lakes essential to an education;
So, cursing softly, on its charms he pondered,
And over toward the Chem. and Med. School wandered.
" Ali, me!" sighed Juan, " would my mind were stored With wondrous knowledge such as students love, What joy this priceless wisdom must afford!
The gifts of learning like a heavenly dove Descend on them ; into their minds are poured
The thoughts of Genius, rained from world's above "- For Juan never dreamed that students stomach all Kinds of queer things which are not anatomical.
Just then arrived two students, clad in spectacles, And other garments we need hardly mention ; And Juan, gazing, thought their brains receptacles
Of wondrous knowledge and all new invention.
Can you me on my way direct," he calls,
" To see this learned place is my intention."
Oh! come with us," they said ; " but all we're able To show you are some corpses on a table.
." This room here is reserved for the prosectors, Who bluffed Prof. Berry once in an exam.;
Their job's like that of company directors—
Well paid for doing little else but sham.
They also play of keen inspectors,
And down a mic. tube their long noses ram ; But some prosectors, such as R. and W., Monopolise the girls, and do not trouble you."
." They come and sit beside a fair-haired charmer, And watch her try in vain to shut one eye, Hoping to gain a smile they hold her arm, or
To view the slide along with her they try ;
192 THE SPECULUM. July, 1915.
Each girl responds, she knows they would not harm her, Besides they reassure her if she's shy.
For this hard toil they're paid an honorarium,
The strain's so great that once a year they vary 'em."
Next, on the large dissecting room he gazed In wonder and in horror at the sight ;
Then from the dreadful scene his eyes he raised, Hoping such things he did not view aright.
To see these sights his simple mind, amazed, He cried out in alarm, as well he might, Our worthy friend, disgustedly, in wonder pants,
"Why don't they clothe the wretched things in underpants!"
July, 1915. THE SPECULUM. 193
" Alas !" he thought, " how serious they must be These students, working in the midst of death."
" Oh, just you wait," his comrades said, " and, see, They're all so dismal they can scarce draw breath."
Just then he heard loud laughts from Table Three.
Hark, reader, and you'll hear the thing he saith,
Our sense of humor we must quickly check—you'll hum- Bly pardon—it's not fitting for the Speculum."
And then he noticed, at the left-hand end, A vision—half a dozen visions quite, Whose golden hair and raven tresses blend,
And dressed in charming pinafores of white.
More dainty girls you'll never see, my friend, No harem could compare with yonder sight, Their graceful forms all visitors midst scan, They even charmed the Admirals from old Japan.
" But, surely, they are not like other girls,"
Said Juan, and his two companions smiled.
" Just look behind that screen," they said. " Their curls Take quite as long to fix, and there are piled
Cosmetics, powders ; each one twists and twirls Before a full length mirror," we beguiled.
Gaze wondering at the lovely creatures ; no men Can give their whole attention to th' abdomen.
Just then a noise was heard from Table Four, And Juan saw the Father of the throng Insulted by the infant. What a roar!
They bustled round—one went to fetch the gong, Another rope to make the ring, and more
Two sponges and some towel's. How very wrong, Thought Juan, for that small child, Charlie 0.,
To contemplate so dastardly a blow.
And next he saw a dark-haired chap advance, Of motor cycles was his conversation.
He told them, as one tells a bright romance, How his bike worked, his hope and expectation.
He put the thing to bed at night, and pants
He clothed the wheels in ; and the British nation, The world-wide war, the Empire's life at stake, Dwindled beside his patent hack wheel brake.
19.4 THE SPECULUM. J u ly , 19r5'.
So Juan turned, and slowly went his way,
Pondering deeply what these sights should mean ; Looking at his companions, then did say,
" I never thought such fooling could have been."
" Why not," his comrades answered. " Tell us, pray, These idiotic things that you have seen.
We've 'always done, and so will our successors;
We do not lead, but follow—our professors."
• " Observer."
Residents and Their Salaries.
In these very strenuous times of national strife one is naturally disinclined to cavil at the conditions under which we labour, or to unduly criticise the governing bodies who guard our interests. But forgetting the fact, or even remembering it, that our nation is fighting for its very existence, and that our national life is being sorely tried,.
one cannot help feeling that it is surely high time that Residents at our hospitals were paid a reasonable wage.
A short review of the facts of the case, and a study of the salaries paid to Residents, leads one to the inevitable conclusion that these men are positively underpaid, and that the yearly stipend is in no way indicative of the ser- vices they render the institution in which they are em- ployed. It scarcely seems probable or believable that the Committees of Management of these great public hospitals realise the changes which have taken place in the medical course during the last twenty years.
It is an incontrovertible fact that, years ago, the medi- cal course was reserved for the sons of rich and well-to-do men, and the number of poor and almost penniless students formed a very small percentage of the total number. So that, once these men received their degrees, they were in a position to take Residentships for a paltry yearly salary, by virtue of their private means. And the hospital authorities were cute enough, on this account, to make the salary very mic-roscopic.
But nowadays it is no uncommon thing for a man to work his way through the medical course, and we all of us know many instances in which men who graduate imme- diately set out to earn a living, because their meagre allow- ance cannot carry them any further. Some do not sit