x This conflict reveals our hidden wounds and sinful bents that need to be healed or transformed.
x This leads us to understand our points of transformation.
Promise of the Gospel: But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed. Psalm 53:5
Central Question: How do you view conflict? A battle to be WON or a situation that matures you to be ONE!
2. What is a new way of understanding conflict?
a. Collision: When Two Opposites Meet Webster’s dictionary defines conflict as:
• a: competitive or opposing action of incompatibles: antagonistic state or action (as of divergent ideas, interests, or persons)
• b: mental struggle resulting from incompatible or opposing needs, drives, wishes, or external or internal demands
Conflict happens when two opposing thoughts, expectations, emotions, or behaviors collide with one another in a specific time and place.
b. Complaints: Offering Our Voice
17Evening and morning and at noon I utter my complaint and moan, and he hears my voice.18 He redeems my soul in safety from the battle that I wage, for many are arrayed against me. Psalm 55:17-18
2 How long, Lord, must I call for help, but you do not listen? Or cry out to you,
“Violence!”
but you do not save? 3 Why do you make me look at injustice? Why do you tolerate wrongdoing? Destruction and violence are before me; there is strife, and conflict abounds… Habakkuk 1:2-3
Conflict involves voicing our dissatisfaction with something in the relationship that we feel needs to be changed. It involves situations that need explained, expectations that need to be clarified, or feelings that needs to be expressed.
c. Challenge: An opportunity to be utterly amazed in God’s redemption x Redemption
The first attitude is proclaimed by David when he stated that the Lord “redeems (his) soul in safety.” Psalm 55:18
x Utterly amazing
(The Lord Answers) 5 “Look at the nations and watch—and be utterly amazed. For I am going to do something in your day that you would not believe, even if you were told. Habakkuk 1:5
In context, God used the Babylonians to bring judgement and discipline on his people. This was painful for them.
In our context, God is using painful and difficult things and
circumstances to correct, challenge, and discipline his people so that they might repent and follow him.
Bigger picture… God is still going to pursue and redeem his people A New Definition of Conflict
Conflict involves a complaint from a person or party when they feel that two opposites are continually meeting. This gives both parties the opportunity to learn and grow in becoming mature in character, changes deeper motivation/patterns, and challenges in ways that will leave us utterly amazed at the power of God.
In essence, conflict or adversity is a tool God uses to move us to the end of ourselves and into dependence upon him.
x Each party wrestles with God but is asked to understand the bigger picture and to see something beyond the current conflict or adversity that is happening at the moment.
x Conflict challenges everyone involved to move beyond their patterns (family, personal story, selfishness) to become the people God has called them to be.
x Conflict allows people the opportunity to mature and grow as a person. (James 1:2-4)
“You’re foolish not to take the opportunity to learn and grow from adversity and use it as valued experience. Anytime you can gain experience like that, it’s an investment toward success.” – Mike McCarthy – former Green Bay Packers Head Coach
3. How to resolve and redeem our inner and outer conflicts?
b. Focused time—and on one issue at a time.
x List the issues that are causing the conflict.
(Many times, the two parties have different priorities and different issues that they perceive are important.)
x Set an appointed time that you both agree upon to have this one conversation.
c. Respond to the person instead of reacting to the situation.
x Reaction: “You keep doing this and it makes me mad.”
x Response: “I feel______________ when ____________ happens.
Feelings Behavior FeelingÆ sad, hurt, betrayed, intimidated, frustrated,
x Anger is a secondary emotion. It is fine to say you are angry, but there is a deeper emotion underneath that needs to be revealed.
d. Differentiate between behavior and personhood.
x A person’s specific wrong and hurtful behavior is an extension of who he or she is or his or her struggles, but it is not the totality of the whole person.
x Allow them to see their dignity instead of only their depravity
x Applaud and appreciate their personhood without accepting their behavior.
Example: “Sally, I like/love your perseverance, hard work and your compassion for others. But I don’t like when you yell at me, talk over me or criticize me. This is hurtful behavior because I feel hurt and dismissed.
e. Discover strengths and have appreciation for the opposite points of view.
x Example: “I appreciate the way you are working hard on my behalf, however I feel…”
x Example: “I can see the way you draw that conclusion; however, I am uncomfortable with . . .”
f. Reflect, Repeat, and Rephrase.
x Reflect on what they say. Listening is not just hearing. It is being in tune with another person’s soul.
x Repeat what you have heard and understand their position even if you don’t agree.
x Rephrase their position in your own words or ask them to rephrase it so you understand.
g. Watch your tone.
x Tone of voice is key to communication.
Is your voice high?
Is your voice loud?
Is your voice demanding?
x You can say all the right things but you can say it all wrong and have your message lost in translation.
A. CONFESSION
If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us 9If we confess our sins he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:8-9
Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. James 5:2
x The first step in any conflict resolution is to admit your sins, your mistakes, your tendencies, and your weaknesses.
x Confession shields others from you and provides a walkway toward growth, understanding, and peace.
“I’m Sorry” and “Will you Forgive me?”
I’m sorry is a statement which asks for no answer
Will you forgive me is a question which expects an answer I’m sorry is not taking responsibility-
Will you forgive me is acknowledging your guilt
I’m sorry for the pain is feeling bad that someone is hurting
Will you forgive me is acknowledging the sins that caused the pain I’m sorry never deals with the issues of the heart
Will you forgive me is a confession that there is something wrong with your heart
I’m sorry can’t lead to brokenness because it doesn’t see the need for repentance Will you forgive me is already repentant and is on a pathway to brokenness I am sorry may lead to a dead end without a path toward reconciliation Will you forgive me provides a road and a map toward reconciliation
Summary: Conflict brings you in touch with your sinful bents and your deep wounds. It makes you feel the brokenness of your own heart while at the same time making you reach out to the Savior who can heal your brokenness. Adversity moves you to become mature, complete, and not lacking anything. It brings you into the spirit of repentance.
Going Deeper:
1. Can you name the specific “transformational point” in your life by identifying the following?
i. Wound_________________________________
ii. Spiritual Bent____________________________
iii. Circumstance____________________________
iv. Transformational Point_____________________
2. What was your view of conflict? How did you view it before this lesson?
3. Why is confession necessary for a healthy relationship? What areas do you need to confess to your spouse?
4. How do you deal with adversity? Do you see adversity as a teacher?
5. What have you learned about yourself throughout these last few weeks?