2. Nurture allows you to heal your spouse’s story.
a. CareÆ Validation
x It means to give appreciation for or to someone. It is to find something admirable about the person, to give dignity, or to acknowledge the value of their position.
x Looks for truth and grace in every situation
x It means telling someone that what he or she feels, thinks, believes, and
experiences is real logical, and understandable, even if you are not experiencing it yourself.
x Allows you the freedom to quietly reassure yourself that what you feel inside is real, is important, and makes sense to you. (This is self- validation.)
x It does not mean that you fully agree or approve with a person’s behavior, thoughts, or actions.
x Three ways to validate:
-Give encouraging and affirming words to your spouse.
-Write notes, texts, or any other means to lift up your spouse on a daily basis.
-Gentle actions and consistency are keys to a marriage.
b. CommitmentÆ Faithfulness
x Make choices to love someone in the little things. It is the little things that add up to big things.
x I am faithful to serve you, to care for you by living out my vows in front of you for you, and to do so for your benefit. It is the gospel flowing from me and through me for the benefit of you!
x Being faithful to another’s maturity is not just loyalty to him or her but being loyal to his or her growth as a person toward holiness.
“What our spouse needs more than any gift is the promise, the vow, that we will not merely survive as a couple but also grow together. . . . The truth is that one person often needs more focus and care during this process [of healing]. The supportive spouse, however, is not merely there to endure the turmoil. . . . Instead, it is time for both husband and wife to be transformed.” Dan Allender, Healing the Wounded Heart p. 199.
x Endurance in the right direction to love another more than self. It is learning to love as God loves.
c. CommunicationÆ Create an Atmosphere
Dignity is the state of giving value or honor to another person. Honoring another becomes an act of giving them a place to be known without judgment or condemnation even if or when they are different than us.
Integrity is the ability to be consistent in our actions, holding onto our convictions despite adversity. A person with integrity stands strong through humility.
Respect is the ability to respond to others with appreciative regard even if we do not agree with their thoughts, decisions, and/or lifestyle.
Empathy is the capacity to feel the complexities of another’s heart without having experienced his or her circumstances. It is feeling beyond yourself and engaging another person in his or her story right at that very moment
Compassion means to suffer with another. It is engaging in the suffering of another and sometimes at your own personal expense.
Truthfulness operates in truth and truth operates in grace. One cannot operate without the other. Honesty to the truth breaks down the need for us to live in denials.
Intentional is being concise and clarity with our words and our intentions.
This allows people to know where we stand.
Openness is having a heart and mind open to receive a message from another party and to understand their position.
Negotiation involves learning other people’s desires so that you put the other party above yourself.
d. Common Horizon: a vision beyond oneself
“Friendship is deep oneness that comes through a mutual journey to the same horizon.” Dr. Timothy Keller
1. A Kingdom Horizon- To become holy and blameless, without spot or blemish
2. A Vision Horizon- To have a calling, dream, or passion that the two of you move toward that is something bigger and broader than you 3. From me, outside of me, for the benefit of others
All of these attributes are moving us from being self-centered to being other-centered. In doing so we get in touch with what it means to really love like Jesus. There will be pain, a sacrificial pain, because now God is doing a work in us to “love another like Christ loved the church.” It does not come naturally. There will sometimes be pain in doing so, but this is the pain of learning to love as God loves!
“Watch your thoughts, they become your beliefs. Watch your beliefs, they become your words. Watch your words, they become your actions. Watch your actions, they become your habits. Watch your habits, they become your character.” Vince Lombardi
Your Marriage Storms of Life
Marriage becomes a cradle of security, which shields us from the outside storms of life!
“Your spouse becomes a cradle of security for your greatest vulnerability.” Dr. Timothy Keller
Going Deeper:
1. What wounds need to be healed from your story?
2. What does it mean to reprogram someone’s story? How have you been reprogramming your spouse’s story?
3. How well do you communicate with your spouse using D.I.R.E.C.T.I.O.N?
4. What is your “common horizon” in your marriage?
5. What concept have you learned so far which has convicted your heart?