By ALFRED G. ALMASSY.
Time: 2000 A. D.
DRAMATIS PERSONAE.
Jupiter (the Judge).
Mercury (the Prosecutor).
Venus (Associate Judge).
Cupid (her assistant).
(Jupiter asleep. Enter Mercury.)
.Mercury-Great Jove, awake and sit in judgment on an- other flock of mortals.
Jupiter-What? More tedious mortals to be disposed of?
Me1'cury-But these mortals are not tedious-they are those rare specimens called normal.
.Jupiter-Normal students? No chance for them in Elysian Fields-they prefer Loewenbraeu to nectar. How many are th ere ?
Me1·cury-Thirteen men and eleven of the gentler sex.
Jupiter- I fear I can have no dominion over the gentler sex.
Alas! Venus holds sway over all those who have been struck by Cupid's darts. So call Venus, and to- gether we will settle the fates of these foolish mortals.
(Enter Venus and Cupid.)
Ji1piter-Now, Mercury, my fleet messenger, let us hear of the earthly deeds of each of our visitors, in the order in which they were ferried across by Charon.
Mercury-The first to be a candidate for eternal bliss was George Upps, who jn his tender years plunged him- self deep into the sea of matrimony. But while grop-
Scene: Mt. Olympus.
ing around in the darkness he heard the voice of a classmate, the victim of similar circumstances. To- gether he and Toeppen erected a lighthouse and sang enchanting songs, vying with the sirens for the cap- tivation of humanity. Suffice it to say that they soon beguiled all but four of their brothers to join them. Elated by their early success, they made it their chief business and did little else.
Jupiter--! can hardly reach a fair conclusion as to their disposal, for there jg too much love in this business for me to fathom. Do you take them in hand, my daughter, and with your son dispose of them as you see fit.
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Venus-Great Jove, I am more than glad to hear the reason for the prosperity in my field of activity, and since Hymen has long been groaning under the pressure of excessive labors, I will give him this genius and self- appointed protege as an assistant. What sayest thou, son?
Cupid-I will gladly allow it, mother, if yo~ will ~ive ~e
the services of the other; for my right biceps is already contractured from too much twanging of the bow-strjng. And this Toeppen, I believe, is a pretty good shot at puncturing hearts. There goes another one.
(Aims his bow and exeunt.) Venus-It shall be so, my son.
Ju1Jiter-A wi e deci ion, my children. Now let us hear the next victim.
Mercury-The next to enter our realm, my lord, wa a tall red-headed youth with enormou lung power. It ha::- been hi boa t to ha e bluffed every school board in the United State and to have landed the softe t po i- tion in the country. ut he has al o a big, oft, kind heart and has u ed his wonderful power for the good of hi fellow as \i\rell as himself. It is said his recom- mendation ha carried half of hi cla onward to fame. In addition to thi he re cued the American Aero Club from extinction when the We t Virginia ga field ga e out.
Jupiter-Thi i indeed a remarkable combination of quali- ties, and one can hardly u e one without doing the other an injustice. Warm hearted and windy. Ah!
'ti well he i not cold. I have it! He shall a si t Vulcan one ea on and hall blow hi bellows to make the fire rage; and the next ea on he hall troll the field of Ely ium and direct hi fellow to the tree of the golden apple . Thi will keep intact Billy extraordinary power and will keep hi temper
v eet.
Mercury-Sweet, ay you? Ah. ay not the word until you ha e learned it meaning. There is one in their number who claim to be the be t judge of weet . Sophie Eid organized a candy company, and through her own liberal patronage it grew until it upplied all of the world' demand. Her reputation as a gour- met wa o great that her recommendation alone was enough to create a univer al demand.
be the very one to fill the place and provide for an exquisite appetite.
Jupiter- I will consent to your suggestions on one condi- tion-that Sophie presents to the gods daily the ame number of caramels that she consumes.
Venus-I fear all the gods will suffer of indigestion. But it shall be as you will.
Mercury-But if we do, it will not be for long; for there i another in thi party who has won great fame in driving away just such ills. El a Hein ha been lion- ized by royalty as the greate t of therapeuti t and medical gymnasts, having aved many a king from his di ea ed kidney or liver.
Jupite1·- A sure cure for liver troubles? That remind me that Juno has been quite galled of late and need something to sweeten her temper. If this young lady can restore my spouse to her former good humor, he shall always be a favorite at this court al o. Take her to Juno, then. But we mu"t hasten or we hall not fmi h our ta k before dusk. Who is next?
VI ercury-N one other than the mighty strong man, Pop Harwick. ThL giant compares well with the grea Hercules, and the most difficult work on the appa- ratus was child's play to him. In searching about for a feat of strength worthy of his ability, he hit upon a note and succeeded in carrying a tune frorn the signature to the double bar.
J'Upiter-Mo t remarkable, indeed!. I have been longin for ome good music for a long time. Apollo teed have been giving him more trouble than usual of late; o that he has quite neglected his lyre. I know
Jupiter-Has she done aught of note?
Mercury-What, you have not heard of the fame of Susan Denny? She has displayed her skill on every stage in the land and all have marvelled at this woman's mastery of both the long and side horse.
Jupiter-Skill in horsemanship? Then let her relieve Apollo and drive for him a certain hour each day his fiery steeds across the skies. Thus Apollo will have opportunity to improve his skill with the lyre under the instruction of the master musician, Father Harwick. But who is she whose step is light and airy as the tripping of a fairy, despite her soldier's appel- lation'! Was Captain Suter a resident of earth?
Mercury-Once she was, but she so delighted in "flying up"
that she became captain of an aeroplane regiment and has never regretted flying up .from any place on earth except the German Seminar.
.Jupiter-Perhaps she thought by sailing so far above the heads of mortals to be mistaken for a star. Let her be severely punished: send her to Cincinnati.
Mercury-There she surely will encounter great difficulties;
for that city has adopted very stringent laws against flying up into the air, on account of the thick clouds of smoke, which caused many aerial accidents.
Mabel Gipe, who started out in life as a nurse, grew tired of the garb of service and became a militant suffragette. Her rise to power was meteoric and, after she became mayor of Cincinnati, she inaug- urated many reforms for her oppressed sisters. 'Tis said she was the only suffragette whose arguments were feared and unrefu.table by mere man.
Ven us-Ah ! then she is just the woman to lead the Ama- zons, whose leader, Hippolyte, has just been killed by Hercules. She will be able to avoid all hostile
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shafts and will have determination enough to con- quer all.
Jupiter-A fitting decision. What have we now?
Mercury-There is a maid called Flora, who says she has so long acted the part that she pleads to continue to sing through eternity with the sirens who captivate the hearts of men.
Jupiter-What has been her occupation in life?
Mercury-There was a certain blind institute where ~o one could hold a position as teacher of gymnastics be- cause their voices wounded the finely trained sense of hearing of the blind. They would have no one till our lithe maid appeared. At last Flora found what she had long sought-those who could hear and appreciate her gentle and melodious tone. Thus Flora Bush seized her chance for fame.
Jupiter- I fear we cannot heed her request. One who. has ensnared a heart so firmly in life cannot be given like opportunity for unlimited centuries. Take her a way from men to the isle of the Amazons and let her be their trumpeter.
Mercury-The next is one who has just give~ me a gre~t
deal of trouble. They call him Hofmeister. He is the speediest mortal I have ever encountered, having won every marathon and armor race he ever entered.
Impatient at Charon's delay, he took a short run, leaped clear across the Styx and started to make a hasty survey of Hades. It required all my s.peed to overtake him and great energy to subdue him.
Venus-What! leaped the Styx? We must have. protection or the mortals will soon invade our domam.
Jupiter-You are right, daughter, ~nd this very Hofmeister will serve the purpose. I will demonstrate my thun-
derbolt to him, equip him with wings, and have him patrol the hores of Hades.
Mercury-The next to enter our realm, great Jove, is one Lillian Hopkin , who ha gained great earthly renown a an interpreter of the Thespian art. After leaving chool he taught gymnastics for some time, but her wonderful powers of expression were so great that she soon specialized in this only. When she finally went on the stage she held her audiences spell-bound. Wealth and fame fell upon her, and today her name i a byword for grace and beauty of expre ion.
Jupiter-The mermaid have been growing quite clumsy of late. It wa only ye terday th9-t one of them tepped on my toe as I was bathing in the Hellespont. Let her descend to the bottom of the sea and there take up the work of instructing the young nymphs and mermaid in the essentials of grace.
Mercury-A famou gymna t now comes before u .
"Larry'' Moli a cended Mt. inai, became in pired and then taught J ewi h gymna tic in all of the country thereabout. But it wa on one of hi fre- quent trip to Germany that he gained world-wide fame.
Jupiter-How did he do that, by gymnastic exhibitions? M ercu1·y-He appeared before the Kai er, who, thinking hi
long sojourn in J eru alem had robbed him of hi ta te, et before him everal different brands of German ~ ine . But to hi great urprise "Larry"
placed each ample exactly right by merely niffing
That will require a great deal of sampling, but I believe he can stand it.
Mercury- Ye , he is quite strong. But, speaking of trong men, there is another giant of soft and tender mien to be dealt with.
Jupiter-Pray, who may he be?
MerCUrJJ-They call him "Little Mueller." I know not why, for his strength is so great he can strangle an ox by squeezing it around the chest. It is said that when his Alma Mater showed signs of tottering he came to the rescue and supported the pillars of that in ti- tution. It is said that the task was so ea y for him that all the time he was working he would smile sweetly and softly sing verses of love.
Jupiter-From your description I think he is the very man to pose as the Colossus of Rhodes, and thus replace the gigantic old statue that fell in the last earthquake.
Mercury- It wa during that very eruption that I di co - ered two more of thi wonderful little band. A I was skipping lightly over the Mediterranean I heard a noise and gibberish, as though a thousand harpie had torn loose. On closer inspection of the desert
isle whence these sounds emanated, I discovered Jennie and Irene. On my questioning them it devel- oped that they had been on their way to "Larry's"
Central In titute of Gymnastics in Jerusalem, there to take the chair of public speaking and voice devel- opment, when the torm and earthquake hit them.
Luckily, they were caught by a suffragette wave and wa hed onto this desert isle, where they were now
Saber-Tooth's wife came through the other end of the cave.
Venus-Poor mortals. I cannot use them, for love needs not the language of words. But I am sure that all suffragettes and good talkers are ever welcome to Minerva. As her assistants I am sure these twins will make good.
Mercury-Make good! That is the trade-mark of the Heck- Evans Theatrical Company. These two youngsters organized a company, were chief actors and stage and business managers, and were the only big success on the Muncie and Lafayette circuit. "Evie" would make you hold your breath in surprise and amaze- ment at his wonderful flying acts; 'tis said that even his temper would fly at times. And Heck made you hold your sides with laughter with his great vocal gymnastics. But off the stage they were seldom seen together. "Evie" was greatly interested in organizing new branches for the Y. M. C. A., while Heck had frequent long-distance calls from Bacchus, who would ask for suggestions for the arrangement of his festivals.
Jupfter-Let them continue here along the same lines in which they gained their earthly renown. And when Bacchus has no festivals to arrange, let them enter- tain us in the Royal Theater of Olympus, where music, players and dancing hold sway.
Mercury-Then you would also include "Bob" Nohr. He was an expert at dancing:__both with and without a foil. But he came into disrepute with the author- ities over the technique of the polka-advance, classy combination, so he broke away from the dancers' league and organized a school of his own. Being a good manager, he guided it to success, and this
period in the history of dancing is known as the
"Rebeilion of Nohr."
Jupiter-In dancing I take great delight, but rebellion can- not be tolerated here. Do you take him through the lowermost pits, where the rebellious Titans lie in chains. After he is sufficiently cowed let him appear before us and dance at the Royal Theater with Heck and Evans.
Mercury-There are two young women who are partic- ularly noted on account of their numerous affinities.
Erna Wuesthoff was a ballet dancer of international fame, having performed before all of the crowned heads of Europe. 'Tis said her sweet smile and gentle laughter were so bewitching that the men who beheld them were held spell-bound as if by Circe's magic wand. But Grace Ho1urook's profes- sion was quite different. When a mere child she became acquainted with Armour and Swift in Chi- cago, and when she grew up her natural inclination was toward surgery. She was an expert and wrote voluminously, but it was her eloquent little speeches in cheering up her convalescents that won them for her forever.
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Venus-If this keeps up, the mortals will soon rival the gods. My artists have long been seeking a model with a natural and reposeful smile, so Erna shall pose in the royal art schools for both statues and paintings. Grace shall each day talk into my phon- ograph for one hour. Then there shall never be any excu e for any of our number to be discontented or moody.
Jupiter- I hope you wi11 allow them to visit Juno occasion- ally, for the old lady is so peevish of late that I hardly dare speak to her.
Mercury-We al o have a man who is gifted with a per- suasive tongue. Hi father built a shoe factory in Cincinnati in an endeavor to beat the tru t . But the ledding wa tough until little Johnny, who had gone on the road for the old man, hit upon a very ingen- iou little cheme. He embarked for the Sandwich I lands and persuaded the natives to buy and wear his shoe . This attracted world-wide attention, and he was quick to turn it into success by the following adverti ement: "Our shoes are the only shoes too durable to be u ed a" round teak by the native of the andwich I land ."
Jupiter-That urely i talking ome. I believe we hould end him to the Fate and let him take the place of the first Parcae and ever after pin the yarn of life.
Mercury-We have now only two more to dispose of : Alt- mann and Heinemann. George gained his fame through a wonderful -feat of urgery. For it was he who operated on Harwick brain, rearranging hi delicate auditory mechani m. Thi made it po -
ible for "Pop" to make uch fine mu ical di tinc- tion , to which hi ub equent earthly and heavenly fame are due.
"Gu " Heinemann is the man who is responsible for the ucce of the new phy ical training system,
which has worked wonders on earth. This was being compiled and computed by the head of hi Alma Mater, whose researches had been so thorough and hi notes so voluminous and specific that the whole threatened to become a jumbled mass. Here
"Hink" came to the rescue. His wonderful insight would have availed him naught if he had not had such great will power. For under the influence of his WILL only did these notes arrange_ themselves in a logical and methodical manner.
Jupiter-It i truly a wonderful mind which can hold inani- mate matter in it sway. We will send these two to join Schwarz-Heinemann to determine where the thread shall be cut, and Altmann to perform the delicate operation of terminating it. In the hands of these three life 'Nill surely be varied in texture, full of force and emphasis in its course and meeting a painless end.
This is indeed a wonderful aggregation and I
· will learn to know them better soon. Let them all appear at the ball tonight to enjoy our hospitality and the good taste of my new cup-bearer. Away and be merry.
(Exeunt.)