Think Twice. Breakdowns and mistakes happen. When the damage is already done, you need to recover fast. By focusing on recovery, not perfection, you send a positive message about learning from mistakes.
More importantly, you send a message that you are not perfect and you are willing to take accountability for your impact.
Action. The next time you make a mistake, drop the ball, or push a person’s hot button, take accountability immediately. When appro- priate, use the cleanup process and practice saying those two impor- tant words: “I apologize.”
Section III
Your Words and How They
Inspire or Derail
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7
Talking Straight Responsibly
How to Be Direct and Handle People Who Are Not
171
Your Purpose
To steer the conversation where you want it to go by insisting on directand straightforward communication.
When you get right down to it, one of the most important tasks of a leader is to eliminate his people’s excuse for failure.
Robert Townsend The lack of straight talk in organizations today is astounding.
Employees do not speak up for fear of repercussions and conse- quences. Politically aware leaders are careful and cautious about what they say for the same reason—repercussions. Unless there is a crisis
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or something that catalyzes people and pushes emotions to the sur- face, straight talk is absent. As a result, productivity and efficiency are directly impacted. People dance around issues and do not ask for what they want and need. Grievances build, and in the end there is con- frontation instead of collaboration.
However, talking straight responsibly is an essential skill in busi- ness today. Without it, employees are disgruntled and unhappy, and leaders are frustrated. The phrase, “If only you had told me” is com- monly spoken afterleaders are finally direct and straightforward. Talk- ing straight is not easy, but it is necessary. If you want to get the job done, ask for what you want and get it, and eliminate the unneces- sary drain on your time and energy. Straight talk is especially needed if you work with people who are indirect, noncommittal, evasive, or who withhold information or avoid closure.
Instead of being direct, many people stay stuck in the familiar rut of being nice and indirect until a crisis comes along that forces them to speak up. During a crisis, buried concerns, issues, feelings, and sen- timents come spilling out. How many times have you watched this happen? A crisis becomes the motivator for action. This is what hap- pened to the poor little frog.
There was a sad little frog who was mired in a deep, muddy wagon track. All his frog friends came by every day and tried every- thing they could to encourage him to get out. But the poor little frog was stuck deep in the mud, and he couldn’t do anything to get out.
Finally, after several days, the other frogs gave up hope and left.
The next day they found the little frog sitting by the pond bathing in the sun. He was chipper, joyful, and very pleased with himself. His friends asked, “How did you get here? We thought you
couldn’t get out of that rut.” The little frog replied, “I couldn’t, but when a wagon came toward me, I had to!”
The story about the little frog could be applied to anyone who works in an organization. It often takes something or someone to wake people up out of comfortable patterns and cause action. Why wait until a crisis? You can demand and achieve outstanding results by talking straight on a daily basis. When a leader is direct and holds people accountable for high expectations, people pay attention. No longer can they hide behind “no one told me.”
Responsible straight talk inspires people. They experience a sense of freedom when they know there is honest and direct communica- tion. It is important to be able to talk about expectations, disap- pointments, and execution. Without straight talk, behaviors do not change. Only when a leader is honest and communicates responsibly is there an opportunity for people to work together to correct a situ- ation or performance issue.
A leader must be direct and straightforward to get action and results. In this chapter you will learn how to be direct and steer the conversation where you want it to go.
Straight Talk Defined
Most people do one of two things: They either speak their mind or withhold their point of view. Talking straight does not fit in either category. It requires using accountable language that fosters safety and collaboration while demanding action.
Talking straight responsibly is the willingness to be emotionally honest and accountable at the same time. Most people only do the
former. They express genuine feelings by dumping their opinions on others without being accountable for the effect they have on oth- ers. Then there are those who have difficultly being emotionally honest so they withhold thoughts and feelings while leaving others guessing.
Speaking your mind is NOT straight talk.
Talking straight responsibly is the willingness to be emotionally honest andaccountable at the same time.
Communication dumping and withholding are not talking straight.
Both paths lead to communication problems too numerous to count with distrust, doubt, and suspicion topping the list. Leaders pay a high price by not talking straight, including low morale, mediocre results, and the loss of talented people. When leaders dance around issues, withhold information, or fail to provide clear expectations and closure, they lose points with employees. A determining factor in how others assess your trustworthiness and integrity is how straight and honest you are with them. People want straight talk and honesty from their leaders. Not surprisingly, most people handle the truth better than uncertainty, ambiguity, or dishonesty.
Straight-Talk Checklist
Emotional honesty is easier for some people than for others. It requires being in touch with what you want before attempting to communicate. The straight-talk checklist assists you in being emo- tionally honest with yourself. Complete this checklist before having an important conversation with your boss, peers, or subordinates.
X
Straight-Talk Checklist
1. What is the current situation?
2. What is the desired situation?
3. What, specifically, is the concern, problem, or issue?
4. Who is the appropriate person with whom to speak?
5. What relationship outcome do you want from the conversation?
6. What requests do you have? What actions do you want?
Using the questions from the straight-talk checklist makes it eas- ier to prepare for tough conversations. It may help to look at each question a little closer.
What is the current situation? The first step is to identify what is hap- pening that has you concerned. Be honest with yourself about how you feel—are you disappointed, upset, or concerned? Do you feel let down? You can’t communicate accountably if you don’t understand what is bothering you. Make sure you can articulate it to yourself before you try to communicate it to someone else.
What is the desired situation? If you could wave a magic wand and make the situation exactly the way you want it, what would you see happening? What would you hear others saying? How would people feel? Once you can answer these questions, you will have a clearer pic-
ture of what you want. The three sensory channels—seeing, hearing, and feeling—can help you examine the situation from all angles.
What, specifically, is the concern, problem, or issue? State your con- cern in one sentence, such as, “I am concerned about the drop in morale of your group during the past quarter.” If you can’t express your concerns in one sentence, you’re not ready to have the conver- sation. It’s important to fully solidify your concern and reduce it down to the core issue before you communicate.
Who is the appropriate person with whom to speak? Once you have identified the problem or issue, the next step is to determine the per- son you should speak to who will produce the most powerful results.
Make sure you are talking to the right person. If it’s a performance issue, that’s easy—you’ll be talking directly to the person. But if it is more complicated and involves multiple parties, determine whom you need to speak to first, second, and so on.
What relationship outcome do you want from the conversation?
Before you speak, determine how you want the individual to feel at the end of the conversation. How will you reinforce a relationship message? For example, you could say, “Our relationship is important to me. I want the resolution of this issue to strengthen how we work together.” Identifying and expressing an outcome for the relationship allows the partnership to grow.
What requests do you have? What actions do you want? Once you know the outcome you want, make a request in order to get it. A request moves the conversation into action. Make sure you know
exactly what request you want to make and be prepared to specify action, times, and follow-up. For example: “Would you join me at 8 a.m. tomorrow to meet with the head of Corporate Development to follow up on our report?” A request can also establish specific per- formance expectations such as, “I want you to turn this situation around by the end of the quarter. Can I count on you to do this?”
Use the straight-talk checklist to prepare for difficult conversa- tions. It will help you clear your mind and state specifically what you want. If you cannot answer all six questions clearly, you may want to talk with a colleague, friend, or professional who will keep your confidences. Talking out loud and having someone ask ques- tions can clarify your thinking by bringing unconscious thoughts to the surface.
Asking for What You Want
Learning how to ask for what you want is a critical leadership skill.
Requests move the action forward. Learning how to make a request and manage the response you get are key.
X
Asking for What You Want
Speaking Accountably
• “My request is . . . by [state time].”
• “What I want from you is . . . by [state time].”
• “What I am asking you to do is . . . by [state time].”
• “The action I want from you is . . . by [state time].”
• “The results I want from you are . . . by [state time].”
Why it works: Most requests are ambiguous such as “I’d like to have . . .” Make your requests direct and clear. Be precise, stat- ing what you want and always include “by when” so you have closure. Fixing a deadline or due date makes the acceptance real.
Without it, someone may accept your request but not act on it for an extended time.
A request for action is only useful if you manage the response and get a clear-cut answer. There are three acceptable responses to a request: (1) Yes, (2) No, or (3) a counteroffer. Make sure you know what the response is before you end the discussion. If the individual responds, “I need to think about this,” then you have a “no” response.
Ask the person what it will take for him or her to say “yes.” Is there something more you need to provide? Establish a time to follow up and obtain closure. Don’t let your request float out there in never- never land.
If you receive a “yes, but” response, this is also a “no.” This is an extremely important point: A qualified “yes” is always a “no.”A “yes”
response means “I accept your request and I will go into action.” Any conditions on this response place the answer in the “no” category.
Your life will be considerably easier, with fewer disappointments, if you remember the distinction between a true “yes” and “no”
response.
X
Managing the Response to Your Requests
Speaking Accountably
After your request, ask for closure in one of the following categories:
1. Yes. I accept your request.
“Yes, I’m ready to commit and take action. Where do we begin?”
Confirm who, when, what, and where. Tie down details to make action real.
2. No, I do not accept your request.
This includes “yes, but”; “I need to think about this”; “Sounds good, give me a little time”; “Yes, but with one condition”; “Yes, perhaps down the road”; “I’d like to do this, let me see how things work out”; and “I’ll let you know.”
3. No, I do not accept your request and I have a counteroffer.
“I like your idea. I propose a different approach . . .” “You have my buy-in on the concept. I suggest another implementation approach.”
Why it works:People are indirect about accepting requests and committing to a specific action. By managing the response to your requests, you will obtain a clear “yes,” “no,” or “coun- teroffer.” Tie down all “yes” responses with a “by when” date.
Being Direct
When you speak, people listen for what you expect and what you have decided. An easy trap to fall into is failing to communicate when a decision has not been made. Instead of being direct, leaders hedge when it comes to closure because they are not ready to commit. There are many times when committing to a specific action is inappropriate.
However, for these times you need to give people closure about not having closure. This may sound strange, but certainty about uncer- tainty works. It provides definition, boundaries, and a reality check on expectations. Being direct keeps people from feeling anxious.
X
Be Direct When You Have Not Made a Decision
Speaking Accountably
• “I’m not convinced one way or the other.I am going to wait until the announcement on ‘X’ before making a decision.”
• “I’m undecided.I need more input on ‘X’ before I’m willing to go to the next step.”
• “I do not have a decision today.During the next couple of weeks, I want all of us to look at options before we make a decision.”
• “I am not announcing a decision or advocating a particular approach.What I do have are recommendations for . . .”
• “I have not concluded anything. My plan is to gather more information and revisit this next week.”
• “No decision has been made.And there are no plans to make the decision to move forward on ‘X’ this year.”
• “I am not ready to make a decision.The topic is open for dis- cussion and I want your input.”
Why it works: Closure is crucial. The fact that you have not made a decision is important information. Leaders often think it is essential only to announce decisions that have been made.
Wrong. It is critical to let people know when a decision (1) has notbeen made, (2) will not be made, or (3) will bemade by (fill in the time frame). Minds function best with certainty.
You are the leader. You have authority. Unless you explicitly tell people you have notmade a decision, they will assume you have and will decide what decision you have made. They will infer you have a fixed position and have made a decision even when you haven’t. It is your job to clarify this up front, not at the end when their opinions have already formed.
Separating Facts from Conclusions
The ability to separate facts from interpretation or conclusions is a critical skill for leaders. Too often people confuse the facts and what actually happened is not clear to anyone. When you speak, divide the facts and conclusions into two separate pieces of information. Lead-
ers who are descriptive and factual have higher credibility because lis- teners trust they are hearing an unbiased, factual point of view that is distinct and separate from conclusions.
X
State the Facts before Conclusions
Speaking Accountably
Facts lead to Conclusions
What I heard was . . . What I concluded is . . . What I saw was . . . What I decided is . . . What I observed was . . . The action I want to take
is . . .
What I noticed was . . . What I propose we do is . . . What I learned was . . . I suggest that we . . .
What I discovered was . . . This leads me to believe . . . My research revealed that . . . Based on this, I think we
should . . .
Why it works: Disconnecting what you saw and heard from what you concluded keeps your communication straightforward and direct. Start with the facts and tell people what you heard, saw, noticed, and observed. Only after you have presented the facts should conclusions and/or recommendations be intro-
duced. Use clear and direct language when you present your thoughts, such as “What I have concluded is . . .”
When you speak, decouple facts from your conclusions and inter- pretation of what happened. This will significantly enhance your cred- ibility and believability.
Communicating in a Timely Manner
Ignoring something that concerns or bothers you is not a good idea.
Often it raises your anxiety and builds distrust in the other person when you finally decide to communicate. Once you realize something is bothering you, sort it out so you can express your concern in an accountable and timely manner.
If you are someone who dislikes conflict and confronting others, you may allow an issue to build until it is emotionally impossible to ignore. By this point your concern has reached monumental propor- tions and may erupt into an overly intense communication or even a verbal assault. Waiting too long significantly reduces the option of using accountable communication. You may be so distraught that just saying what is on your mind is more important than how you say it.
Your words may come out with too much force, leaving you in the position of needing to repair the relationship.
What if you have delayed communicating? First, examine why you have postponed talking with your boss or someone else about a sensitive issue. Second, communicate and take accountability for your delay and the impact this may have on the other person.
X
Owning Up to Delaying Communicating
Speaking Accountably
You:“I have been thinking about ‘X’ for a while but I have not talked with you. I want to apologize for not communicating sooner.”
Boss:“Why did you wait so long? Why didn’t you bring this up sooner?”
You: “I was concerned if I should say anything at all. I didn’t want to upset you.”
Boss: “Well, it upsets me that you waited to talk to me.”
You: “Yes, I understand. It is my responsibility to keep you informed. We’ve always had a good relationship, and I want to keep it that way by communicating in a more timely manner.
Are you open to having a conversation about ‘X’ now?”
Why it works: You immediately take accountability for not communicating. Additionally, you send a message about valu- ing the relationship when you promise to communicate in a more timely manner in the future. Accountability and correct- ing the behavior are two important aspects of this message.
When Others Don’t Talk Straight
Identifying when others are not talking straight gives you access to speed and power. When you recognize something is absent, you can