Being accountable for their impact on others—the source of real power, not symbolic authority. Speaking to connect with people and gain their trust by using the language of inclusion and cooperation.
The first response, the denial of power, is fueled by the need to be liked and accepted. Frequently, this response occurs with people new to leadership positions who find it awkward to take charge, especially if they are managing someone who was previously their peer or boss.
To downplay their newly acquired position and demonstrate to others that they have not changed, they often defer decisions to others, allow- ing consensus to dominate decision-making. Although a fine leader- ship skill, consensus used to the exclusion of taking a stand and making unpopular decisions erodes both the credibility and results of leaders.
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Avoiding Making Decisions
Speaking That Derails
• “It’s your decision. I’m just here to provide information.”
• “What do you think? I’ll just go along with the group.”
• “Whatever you decide is fine with me. I’m just here to sup- port you.”
• “I’d rather not decide. It’s up to the team.”
Why it doesn’t work:Using questions exclusively minimizes power and defers decision making to others. On the surface, this looks good. The problem is that the leader avoids taking unpopular
stands. The word justin this context says, “I’m not important here.”
It diminishes the value of the person speaking and reduces power.
Those who love power tend to use directives and exclusionary and parental language. This type of speaking can unconsciously trigger emo- tional reactions of defiance. Since the earliest association with power is by and large the parent-child relationship, it is understandable why peo- ple revert to language learned in the home. Parental, directive language is appropriate and necessary for the safety and well-being of children.
As a child grows into an adult, this language is typically replaced with words that provide choice rather than command statements.
Speaking in a commanding “I want, I need, I will have” manner turns people off. Let’s take the example of the leader who says, “You should know what to do. I’ve told you what I want more than once!”
This type of message shuts people down and causes them to clam up.
Adults do not like being told what they should and should not do. One of the most pressing problems revealed in employee surveys is that peo- ple do not feel safe to speak up. When managers and leaders send a mes- sage telling others their input is not needed or valued, people become resigned and shrink the game. Say good-bye to discretionary effort.
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Shutting People Down
Speaking That Derails
• “I’ve made my decision. Now let’s move on.”
• “I want this handled immediately and this is what I want done. . . .”
• “I will not tolerate this. Change it now.”
• “You’ve got to be kidding! This is not what I asked for.”
Why it doesn’t work:The predominance of the word I(instead of we, our, or us) is an example of exclusionary language. Lead- ers who fall in love with power speak as if they are the center of the universe with everyone else revolving around them.
The third and most effective response to having status and author- ity is a “respect for power.” This balanced response is what gives lead- ers real power rather than symbolic authority. It takes into account how power impacts people. When a leader respects power—rather than minimizing power or resorting to control—people feel included, valued, and personally connected to the leader. People respond by giv- ing trust, experiencing authentic alignment, and acting as owners.
Collaborating and working together is fun and easy. Morale goes up as people feel that they are a valued part of the team, group, or organ- ization. Leaders who have a healthy respect for power create an envi- ronment of collaboration and trust.
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Collaborating and Including People
Speaking Accountably
• “We face a number of challenges such as . . .”
• “We had a tough first quarter but I’m optimistic about what we can do. . . .”
• “We can’t ignore the problem but together we can resolve it.”
• “We need everyone on board.”
Why it works:The use of the word we is an example of inclu- sionary language. People feel connected, included, and valued.
They are not alone; they are part of a larger group, and the leader is right in there with them.
Bear in mind that people want to contribute and make a differ- ence. It is up to the leader to foster an environment of cooperation and partnership. The language of inclusion extends to words and phrases that elicit the feeling of being valued and included as part of a winning team.
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Collaborating and Working Together
Speaking Accountably
• Our team, our group, • Together our future
• Collaborate • All of us
• Cooperate • With your support
• Commit to the success • Trust the commitment
of one another of people
• Work together • Partner
• Team player • Side-by-side
• Helpful • Unbeatable team
• Support one another • Collectively
• Relationships • Join forces
The difference between symbolic power and real power is the common thread that runs through this discussion. Real power is both respecting your power and being accountable for how it affects oth- ers. The shift from symbolic authority to real power unlocks the abil- ity of people to be extraordinary leaders.
Compliance Is Not Alignment
You cannot use authority, control, or power to manipulate or control people without grave consequences. Leaders who consciously or unconsciously use their power forcefully face serious repercussions.
People will comply only to protect their jobs and careers.
But compliance is not alignment. Compliance is a temporary accommodation to meet the requirements of the person in charge.
On the surface, compliance appears to be agreement. Below the sur- face, it frequently erupts into passive-aggressive behavior: people doing and saying things that are in direct contradiction with what you think they agreed to. When people say “yes” to something or someone, they do not authentically agree with, they resent it—big time. Compliance leads to hallway conspiracies, people privately con- ferring and disagreeing with you while publicly complying with what you want. Compliance is the furthest thing from ownership and
accountability. It is temporary, fleeting, and does not represent gen- uine leadership support.
Alignment, on the other hand, is when people set aside their per- sonal preferences and own the decision or direction as if they were the authors of it. Because alignment is an authentic choice, people talk and behave as owners. There is no blame, finger-pointing, or resentment in their speaking. When leaders use their power as force they get compliance; when leaders are accountable for their use of power they get alignment.
The way in which you speak creates a reaction in others. The most frequent misuse of power is speaking in a parental, “command-and- control” manner. Language that generates alignment acknowledges your authority while simultaneously including others. This language produces authentic alignment where words and behavior are consis- tent, makes people feel safe to speak up, and inspires people to make things happen.
Phrases that result in compliance are, in effect, control statements.
These types of statements shut people down so they do not speak up;
produce compliance, a false sense of alignment, and hallway con- spiracies; and create negative reactions.
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Phrases That Phrases That Produce Compliance Generate Alignment
Avoid: Replace with:
• Don’t question me. • Ask any question you have:
There is no such thing as an
unimportant question. Your thoughts are valuable to me.
• Do it because I said it. • My opinion is one point of view. This has to be a deci- sion we make together.
• I’m in charge here, • Although I have the final not you. responsibility, I sincerely
want your input.
• I make the decisions. • You can always count on me to listen. I may not always agree, but I will always listen.
• You heard me. • When you do not under- stand something I say, it means I did not explain it well. So please ask me to clarify whatever is on your mind.
When you have compliance instead of alignment, people give min- imum effort and do only what they need to do. A command-and-con- trol leader, one who amplifies power, is viewed as a bully rather than a credible and inspiring leader. Under the reign (or terror) of com- mand and control, morale and performance suffer. Additionally, peo- ple do not feel connected with a leader who is exclusionary and directive. The need for an authentic relationship with a leader is strong.
People want to feel included, inspired, and connected to their leaders.