Subordinate:“I wasn’t sure what you wanted and hopefully this discussion will help me.”
You:“That’s my intention. I want to make sure I’m clear about what is needed from you.”
Why it works:Accountable language is non-blameful. The state- ment “I want to make sure I’m clear . . .” is an example of tak- ing accountability and using the word Iinstead of you. On the other hand, if you said, “You need to be clear . . . ,” this state- ment places responsibility on the other party, points the finger, and damages the relationship.
Marking Out Key Points
You already know that the mind wanders, and people do not listen to every word you say. Auditory and visual distractions, competing information, and other interruptions vie for attention. The mind treats all this information equally unless the critical message is marked out or highlighted. In verbal communication, we do this with voice intonation, inflection, and body language. In written messages, we use different fonts, layouts, or print techniques. In conversations, we can use sentence starters, which are phrases at the beginning of a sen- tence that allow the mind to transition to what you are about to say and remember and mark out your critical points.
The mind takes in an enormous amount of information but what gets saved and stored depends a great deal on how you say it. Because the mind wanders in and out, sentence starters—specific words at the beginning of a sentence—cue the listener about the importance of what is coming next. Without starters the mind does not have time to transition. Additionally, when everything is presented as having the same importance, the mind of the listener chooses when to check in and check out. You don’t get to choose. Nobody attends 100 percent to a conversation, meeting, or presentation.
It only takes a second or two for the mind to adjust and listen in a directed way. Sentence starters provide structure and direction for the conscious mind. While you are talking to people, they are trying to make sense out of what you are saying. Then halfway through your message, they understand. But in the process, they missed half of what you said.
Marking out or highlighting your key points, theme, requests, or message is invaluable. In the absence of marking out crucial points, the mind will either treat everything as equal or “make up” what is important. It is a lot easier to be clear on the front end about what you want than to engage in rework on the back end because others did not understand.
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Marking Out Key Points
Speaking Accountably
• “The key point is . . .”
• “The key feature is . . .”
• “What is most important to recognize is . . .”
• “The real challenge is . . .”
• “We have only one focus. It is . . .”
• “You should anticipate one critical change . . .”
• “If you remember one point, remember this . . .”
• “Here is the most important thing for you to remember . . .”
• “Listen carefully to what I am about to say.”
• “The next thing I am going to say will surprise you, but it is my main point . . .”
• “Of everything I have said to you, there are two things I want you to act on.”
Why it works:When you mark out or highlight key statements, people remember them. The mind does not stay focused all the time; it wanders. When introducing or stating your primary or key point, use a sentence starter to give the mind time to tran- sition and refocus.
A word of caution:If you overuse sentence starters, you will be treating everything with the same level of importance. If everything is critical, nothing is critical. Pick and choose when to use sentence starters. More is not better.
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Focus Attention on the Critical Message
Speaking Accountably
Peer:“We have several options. We can make a decision today or take our chances and wait. What are your thoughts?”
You:“That’s true, we could wait, but there is one thing that stands out for me (pause): Our competitors are already moving on this.”
Why it works:The key point is presented with a sentence starter:
“There is one thing that stands out for me.” The mind notes it is about to hear critical information. When you add a starter, you verbally underline the important facts.
Bringing It All Together
The problem with summarizing is that you do it. Stop. Do not sum- marize what you have said. Ask others to do this. How else are you going to determine if you both have the same meaning? Falling into the trap of repeating your main points in a summary is just another opportunity for the mind to wander.
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Ask Others to Summarize Your Message
Speaking Accountably
• “Would you take a moment and summarize our actions?”
• “Help me make sure I’ve been clear. What are the key points you heard?”
• “What main points stand out for you in the discussion we’ve just had?”
• “What message are you walking away with today?”
• “I’ve been talking too much. Would you summarize our agreements and next steps?”
• “Let’s see if I’ve communicated well. How about summariz- ing our actions.”
• “Let’s check my thinking. What are the key points? Have I missed anything?”
Why it works:By asking others to summarize, you make them an active, rather than passive, participant in the conversation.
Being active increases the likelihood for positive impact and retention. Additionally, it allows you to listen and make sure that what you said is what they heard.
When the situation does not allow for others to summarize, by all means, summarize your key points. By using sentence starters, you cue the mind to listen for the important message in your discussion or presentation.
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Summarizing Your Own Message
Speaking Accountably
• “What all this means is . . .”
• “Taken together, what I am saying is . . .”
• “Ultimately . . .”
• “Finally . . .”
• “In short . . .”
• “My message is . . .”
• “In effect . . .”
• “Collectively . . .”
Why it works:By using a brief phrase immediately prior to your summary, people know they are about to hear important infor- mation. This provides the mind with structure, organization, and direction.
You may be in a meeting with your boss or a peer. Perhaps his or her real message or key points is not clear. This is a place where you can intervene during the discussion to assist in marking out the pri- mary message.
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Summarizing Another’s Message
Speaking Accountably
• “One theme you keep coming back to seems to be . . .”
• “Let’s review what we’ve discussed so far.”
• “I’ve been thinking about what you’ve said. I see something that I’d like to ask about. Did you mean . . . ?”
• “As I’ve been listening to you, your main concern seems to be . . .”
• “Let’s recap what we’ve said so far.”
Why it works:When you summarize another’s message, you not only demonstrate you are carefully listening but you also assist the individual in articulating his or her key message. Most peo- ple appreciate an active discussion partner who helps them process information out loud.