Chapter Six
6.3 I had to wait until I got smarter! Saras - an experienced academic (UDW)
women researchers of colour as a group. The women were placed at the centre of the analysis, participating fully in the interpretative process through the act of confessions and in so doing, defined their own identities, realities and truth.
I returned the transcripts to the women as promised, requesting feedback. They read through them, editing and deleting information that they, in retrospect did not feel comfortable about revealing. All six of them expressed concern that even though names and places had been changed, they could still be identified. I then went through a process of reviewing the transcripts together with each of them allowing them the freedom to withdraw information that they felt would be compromising to their positions in any way.
Based on that I present, in this chapter, the edited transcriptions of their narratives. The lack of continuity at some points is due to the editing by the women themselves in order to maintain confidentiality or retractions of some of their earlier statements.
I was not able to create a more comprehensive portraiture as I had initially intended, since the women had decided that it did not in fact conceal their identities but clearly pointed to who they were. What I present here is, therefore, their partial research portraitures.
The following voices tell their own stories and highlight the ways in which the intimate and therefore the very personal nature of the research process impacted on the emotional as well as the professional life of these women.
beginning, at this age, would you believe, to find my identity as a researcher and academic. I panic and shudder at the thought of retiring - retire from what? For me this is just the beginning. In many ways I envy you - you still have your whole life ahead of you. You, fortunately, have been surrounded by a critical mass of people that have brought you to the point I am at, in a much shorter period of time.
I saw others come after me and launch into research with success. I was still hung-up on teaching standards and quality assurance. Because of this more and more of my work became administrative. Some of my colleagues teased me about this. They saw teaching as a drudgery and a penalty they had to pay. I enjoyed my teaching but had to do more and more administration. I was appointed acting head from time to time - this meant even more admin and less teaching and research. After several years of admin and teaching and very few publications, I applied for promotion. My teaching was regarded as excellent, the committee noted my administrative contributions but chose to focus on my research track record. Why was your publication track record so dismal? Were you not interested in doing research? You have hardly supervised research? I did not get the promotion.
I tried desperately to study and improve myself but I just never seemed to have enough time to do all the things that needed to be done. My studies were always an uphill battle for me. I used to really feel that there was something wrong with me - everyone else just came in, began their studies and moved on with apparent ease. Mine was never the case. I had problems with my supervisor and things became so tense that I decided to quit. There were so many things that I didn't know about the politics of the research game and academia. I learnt my lesson and since then I have built up a research track record and had publications to my credit - but in my opinion it is too little too late. I ask myself where did those years go? I feel cheated. I was never one to shirk my responsibilities, I always dedicated my life to this institution but was exploited instead. I realise that nobody really cares. They take what they want from you and discard you. Moving up the ladder was never my priority. I always place importance on the quality of my life.
And my family situation was no different. Although I have a kind and loving husband and very supportive children, that is where it stops. I had and still have to constantly deal with the criticism from my own mother and my in-laws and well basically everyone else who
look down their noses at me for what they believe me to be. There were many times when I was called an incompetent mother or neglectful wife because I tried to do the things that gave me fulfiLment.
I am very much a human rights person. I have a lot of experience in this. I feel it is important for us to explore and enhance some of the subtle and covert power we hold as academics. At times we have this power to influence decisions. At times what we think are decision-makers are not decision-makers, in essence. Decisions are made eLsewhere, either in the consultants reports, or the notes by boards and the much talked about golf course. The other power which we have is the power of numbers. We are there, present, visible and maybe in not so profiled positions. But the power Lies in the capacity to claim that space that we occupy such that those in power cannot afford to ignore the gender issues or the gender agenda, or the voice of the women. Yes, agreed, we have to be there also where the decisions are made or endorsed, but lets not underestimate what we can enhance with what we have. We have to continue advocacy, to get more and to improve on what we have. This is the challenge.
I must say that we have to combine the two issues of research and the general problems of women academics. Because they walk hand in hand. For me, all issues are politicaL since it is always male dominated with the rules that have put women in the roles we play today.
My role is more of activist, a role I don't find desirable but it is absolutely necessary. I have spoken often at conferences, meetings and basically wherever women gather. We have to pLace our energies on relevant issues but at the same time become poLitically involved in order to have our crusade improve. Otherwise, it moves forward at a snail's pace. We have to understand where and who is impeding our issues and organise to overcome the barrier by lobbying and campaigning for the peopLe that support us. But compLacency is our main enemy. Life is too good sometimes so it is difficult to inspire women to invoLve themselves in the political mainstream. Many of us still have a probLem ... with our mentality and will onLy go so far before we condescend to the men.
With more women now in higher education who have climbed the ladder, one would think that we have a more dynamic group aware of women's issues and what battles we are fighting here. But that is not the case. In speaking to some of them over last weekend,
none of them knew about any of the issues that are troubling us. I did tell them that they
are partly responsible because they don't keep abreast of what's happening. We desperately need a more informed group of people on campus... and a more active one.
Women academics have to effect the team mentality that all young boys grow up with, that carry them through life both academically and career wise. I hope I see the effects of what you are doing with your research. One can only win when one commits to being a team player. Proportional representation has not led to a critical mass of women in power, no.
Our female representation was affected quantitatively but not qualitatively, since the women lack a gender perspective.
Being an Indian women in academia has also had its pitfalls. My early years at this institution brought me into direct contact with racism like you would never believe. It scares me to think how normal it was all made to look. How we Indian women academics tried so hard to succeed and in retrospect I believe we inadvertently tried to emulate the white women academics. I certainly had such an inferiority complex that I honestly believed that I had to try to be more like the white women academics. I had no idea about identity politics at the time. I certainly did not realise that I was trying to be something other than my true self. I remember thinking about these issues in terms of role models. I felt ashamed of allowing my Indianess to seep through. It would not be acceptable. Deep down I really did associate my Indian identity with being inferior, unrefined, even uncivilised. Apartheid had succeeded very well in its mission. I know I mentioned earlier that I had published very little in my years here. Yet, ironically I enjoyed writing. But somehow writing for academia and research seemed to me to be separate from the kind of writing that I was engaged in. Now I realise that it was not that I had nothing to say. It was just that I didn't feel that it was worthy of publishing. Who would want to read about my thoughts andfeelings on issues? Who would care about my opinions? I almost erased my Indian identity in my bid to be accepted and yes, also respected as an academic and researcher. I understand now about identity, the self and other - I understand now what it means to be at the margins, to be other. I have the courage now to stand up and be proud of who I am, where I come from, my roots. I really must say that it has been some of the strong writings that have emanated from women of colour, third world women, women that have had the courage to stand up and be counted for who they are. Women who have not fallen into the traps of colonialism. Women who challenge the dominant views - they are the shoulders that I stand on. Like I said earlier I did not have the confidence to really stand up for what I believed deep down.
Your comments are quite encouraging Sue, however, I'd like to know what mechanisms exist? Especially to encourage women to participate in research? What support are women given when they try to do research? Nothing
Our discussions of the past week were very interesting and gave me food for thought. But whose interests are women in positions of power accountable to? This for me is very interesting because women have to address this issue.