"Herbie"
The following is a symposium entitled
"Medicine via the Lacy Press". We see here the reporting of medicine in simple, clear, concise language, not necessarily with any reference to the truth, and we feel: if ONLY textbooks were written like THIS!
The following examples are not imaginary and in all cases there is not the slightest
exaggeration. On request the author will demonstrate a "trumped-up" article for comparison.
The author can be contacted in person now, but at the conclusion of the exams this year will, regardless of result, be contactable only in spirit (s?).
Bleeder's Digest
April 1st, 1959 Articles of
DO YOUR BREASTS FEEL FUNNY?
By Dr. Harris B. Queenliegh
The author, an eminent American author- ity on Cancer, particularly in the mammary glands (breasts, or something worse, to you) tells how you can save yourself from this frightful disease.
My article is addressed primarily to ladies, although, as this is a family maga- zine, I daresay there will be some interest to even the males of the family. This is because even males have breasts, which is not as confusing (really) as you might think.
Basically, there are two types of breast:
true and false, and the diseases of the latter are two-fold only. Firstly, a diffuse hyper- trophy, which often has an extremely acute onset and leads occasionally to symptoms of severe embarrasment—and even collapse.
Secondly, an acute sagging is described—
this can have almost catastrophic results, with severe collapse. You may see some- one stricken in this way in the street. To
lasting interest
treat such a patient, especially when col- lapsed, help her to lie down, but on no account loosen the clothing as this could prove an even greater embarrassment to the constitution.
The true breast has only one disease.
Lumps. These come in varying sizes and should always be examined under the light.
By this we mean a surgical examination, not what you were thinking, you cad.
Some lumps are cancers just beginning their death-march. Thousands of tiny little cells all multiply, and next thing you know you've lost weight, you can't eat, you're unable to sleep—bang! you've had it.
But there's no need to worry.
To help you tell if you've got cancer we attach this list. Just put Yes and No against the questions.
(a) One yes only—you're safe.
(b) Three yesses—still benign.
(c) Five yesses—you're spastic.
(d) Seven yesses—definitely neoplastic.
KANCER KWIZ Losing weight?
Get up at night? (You can interpret that as you like)
Do you like mulligatawny soup?
Ever been sick after oysters?
Ever dream at night?
How are your bowels?
Have you a little brother?
Do you love him?
Do you play sport?
Are you a gambler at heart?
Do you drink?
Smoke?
Interested in the opposite sex?
Is your I.Q. above 50?
Are you happy in your job?
Are you married?
Do you drive?
Have you any of the following complaints?
1. Night starvation 2. B.O.
3. Waking up tired 4. Bad breath
5. The "Shakes"
Footnote:
The author, Dr. Harris B. Queenliegh, was born in a water closet. His mother
says, "Harry was always one who wouldn't wait."
He graduated M.D. from the Four Square Christian College of Medicine, Wahoo, Nebraska, in 1931.
Since leaving the A.M.A. he has mostly written for the press, although he runs a clinic for single girls on Saturday after- noons.
He has been married twice. Neither marriage was a success because his wives
"just couldn't get along together."
There was once a young girl who, en- thralled with her first love affair, arranged for her boy-friend's face to be tattooed over her heart. However, the friendship did not last, and within a short time she had found herself a new companion who, she felt, de- served also his imprint—this time tattooed on the right side. This again broke up, but her third venture was more successful, and marriage took place. On the wedding night she explained the significance of her tattoos to her new husband. Instead of showing jealousy he laughed heartily.
"Why do you laugh?" she asked.
"I was just thinking," he replied, "that within a few years what long faces they will have!"
The Soviet Cataract
April 1st, 1959
One reader writes: "I wonder could you tell us something in your excellent magazine of medicine as practiced in the U.S.S.R. I am very interested in this subject.
Yours sincerely,
E.J.W., Ceylon."
In reply, we publish the following article.
Photographs are by E. Bearsky (People's Medallion of Photography).
MEDICINE has been practised in U.S.S.R. since time "in memorium". Since the Revolution, however, great advances have been made.
There are 30,000,000 doctors in U.S.S.R., of which some 500,000 are still alive. There are many nurses and wardsmen. The hos- pitals are huge and thoroughly up to date.
One of Moscow's general hospitals has been the most up-to-date in the world since 1929, when it was built.
Disease is rare in Russia today thanks to the excellent medical service of the third
"five-year plan". This has resulted in some Russians living to the age of 140 and even longer.
This lack of disease threatens unemploy- ment in medical circles. Fortunately, many doctors volunteered as labourers in the highly successful "Virgin Lands" settlement scheme.
Russians have been responsible for many advances in medicine, and their names are now household words all over the world.
Hence, we need not mention them in this article.
SPECULUM 49
Mr. Nikita Kruscheff congratulating Mr. Letcher Poppinoffen before presenting his wife with the Soviet Medal of Heroic Motherhood-10 children.
Our photographs show something of medical teaching in Russia. It is regretted that a poor coverage is being given to this subject in this article. More may be learnt about Russian medicine in the following
Medical students receiving advanced training in temperature taking at the con- verted chapel in one of Moscow's large up- to-date hospitals.
Soon they will get a chance to take a tem- perature themselves. (In Canitalist coun- tries the students don't bother to take the temperature.)
films, where doctors or medicine play a part.
"1917—The Bloody Year", with E. Sol- moy and D. Listokniff.
"Lenin The Great", with P. Petrovich and G. Podsnoppikoff.
"The Birth of Lenin", with L. Pavlov (as Lenin's mother) and several genuine Lenin relics.
THE MOSCOW UNIVERSITY
The Australasian Most
April 1st, 1959