The complete planned food
• Quickly prepared
• Easily digested
• Contains all the essential vita- ruins and minerals in addition to bal- anced proportions of protein, carbo- hydrat and fat.
A GLAXO PRODUCT
Hula dancer—a snake in grass.
*
From the front page of The Lancet of some years ago: "Our book of the month—
Contraceptive Technique—A Handbook for Senior Students."
* * *
From a woman's magazine:
"James Mason does not approve of make- up in his parts."
SPECULUM 97
Seventeen-year-old patient: "Doctor, I have a rheumatic heart with a mitral dias- tolic murmur."
* * *
Doctor: "Any thrills?"
Patient: "No, I don't go out with boys."
* * *
For once the doctor was on the receiving end of a proctoscope. After standing the procedure as long as he could he remarked:
"I think you have gone far enough—I have a metallic taste in my mouth."
* * *
Dr. M.: Condylomata are common around the external genitalia—especially the anus."
—Queer bods they let lecture these days.
* * *
Press report: "The young man was astounded to find himself facing an angry parent instead of the sweet young thing he had expected to meat."
* *
Herald: Senator wants sit-down of women probed.
* * *
His loves, his hates, his hopes, his tears that fell,
The joys of heaven, the bitter pains of hell;
His smiles, his signs, the whole preposterous issue—
A gland or so and some erectile tissue.
—Middlesex Hosp. Journal.
* * *
He who goes not and knows that he goes not, has retention.
He who goes and knows not that he goes, is comatose.
He who goes not and knows not that he goes not, is B.N.D. from anuria.
* * *
The earliest gynaecologists, judging from their writings, were in their leisure moments poets and romantics of no mean order.
One is almost tempted to suspect that the Poets of their time were, in their leisure moments, no mean gynaecologists.
She was only a farmer's daughter, but she couldn't keep her calves together.
* *
Waiting room at the Post-natal clinic:
"Congratulations on your triplets, dear!"
"Thanks, love. Doctor says it only hap- pens once in 50,000 times."
"Lor! When do you find time to do the housework?"
* *
Gynaecologist, talking about dysmenor- rhoea: "Bathing and swimming have no harmful effect during menstruation as nothing ever goes up the vagina."
* * *
Headline: "Four die in manhole."
—It serves them right.
* * *
Then there was the dwarf who married—
someone put him up to it.
* * *
Hear of the curate who never got married because his stipend was too small?
*
Student looking at X-ray: "The cavity seems to be well circumcised."
* * *
Nurse's Exam Paper: "The perineum is on the outside of the stomach."
* * *
Surgeon (speaking of maggots in sur- gery): "How would you sterilize maggots?"
Student: "Remove their ovaries, sir?"
* * *
From a history: "Malaena stools, worse on walking."
* * *
Ambulance driver's exam. paper: "There are three sorts of bleeding—arterial, capil- lary and venereal."
There's many a girl today who would agree that emotional drive is a motor phe- nomenon.
* * *
"You should see my new girl. She's as beautiful as a mirage."
"That's the wrong simile. A mirage is something you can see but can't get your hands on."
"That's my girl."
Stu.: "Is it possible to have intercourse with a pessary?"
Hon. Obstetrician (inspecting same): "I should think not."
* * *
Letter to the Editor: Mr. or Mrs. Con- fucius of no fixed commode, writes: He who burns candle both ends will soon be spend- ing all his nights in the dark.
* * *
Quote from a lecture: "Steel for naval purposes is made by Sieman's process."
* * *
And then there was the woman who named her children, Innocence, Accidence and Negligence.
* * *
Film posters seen in the city:
"MOTHER DIDN'T TELL ME."
"AND BABY MAKES THREE."
"IRON MISTRESS."
"NIGHT WITHOUT SLEEP."
* * *
Did you hear about the cautious surgeon who built his house on piles?
Also:
The statistician whose wife had twins; he baptised one and kept the other as a control.
* * *
Midnight Edition:
THE WEAK END Net Sales:
2 Copies per Anus.
*
It should be pointed out that some women miss everything and the rest drive cars.
One 3rd year girl is slowly learning—she now knows the difference between fraternity and maternity.
Heard in lecture:
"Now this experiment can be finished in one day if you don't congregate in groups and talk about the weather."
Remark from front bench: "Whether she will or whether she won't!"
Broadcast of a scene from the Melbourne Cup:
The jockey is now being introduced to the mayoress.
* * *
As finals approach, R.Q. says he likes his women weakly.
* * *
Stu.: "How often do you get up at night?"
Senex (testily): "Let me ask you that when you're 70, sonny!"
* * *
S.F.A. stands for saturated fatty acid.
* * *
Forensic lecture: "A man who hides a dead woman's body is guilty of frustrating the Coroner."
Demonstrator in clinical pathology:
"After the practical period, put your stools under the bench."
* * *
Med. student (explaining to his friend how it is done in the front seat of a car with a floor gear change):
"Put the stick in third."
Puzzled friend: "What do you put in first and second?"
SPECULUM 99
* * *
* * *
* * *
* *
She was only a bootmaker's daughter but she knew how to make a naughty last.
* * *
Then there was the iceman's daughter who gave all the men icey-poles.
* * *
Advertisement in "THE SUN":
WHEN THE KNOCK COMES (and it could be tomorrow)
will you have your P.V. LICENCE?
If not, you risk a heavy fine!
TRETH: ". . . then micturate for 20 minutes . . . sorry; I mean at 20 minute intervals."
TRETH again: ". . . the Anglo-Saxons' only contribution to hygiene was the dunny."
RED (on double optic foramina): ". . . so keep an eye out when dissecting the orbit."
One R.M.H. student's treatment for trigeminal neuralgia: Inject the Neisserian ganglion.
Dr. H-y-s (in lecture) on inheritance:
"What are my chances of doing as my mother did?"
Rod B. (R.M.H—after at least three min- utes of rectal examination): "It doesn't hurt, does it?"
Patient: "Cripes, I didn't even know you were in!"
Treth: "Banting had an unfortunate end."
Treth again: "Churchill is in his second youth."
We hear tell that a famous penist's latest T.V. show is called, "Have Bum, Will Travel." *
The same bloke's get a new car; the door doesn't bang but the chauffeur does!
*
Lines to be hummed from the supine position,
To the hummer's osteopathic physician:
For him who botches That delicate neck trick, There waits, my friend, The fauteuil electric.
—Ogden Nash.
From the nurses' examinations:
"There are four symptoms of a cold. Two I forget and the other two are too well known to mention."
"Hypnotism is now used for producing children. Some mothers recommend it from experience."
Dentist's Epitaph:
Stranger, approach these bones with gravity, Doc. Brown is filling his last cavity.
B. Serf—"Reflex".
*
It was a neat, modern villa with a spa- cious porch off the kitchen.
Girl: "Would you rather play in the dining room or the lounge?"
Boy: "Neither, thanks—I would prefer the vestibule!"
She had a figure like an old bag. It bulged in places, but didn't give.
* Infant Feeding:
"Aldrich states: 'The rooting reflex is the first one to come into play'."
"Sayings of the Great" from King's College Hospital Gazette:
1. Lady B—rt: "If you come across a woman thirty-eight weeks pregnant who is not engaged, you must think something is wrong."
2. Mr. F-r-z: "Unless you are careful you will lose your breeches."
* * *
3. Dr. D-nn-ss H-11: "He applied to the Home Secretary for castration but the Home Secretary was in no position to operate."
* * *
4. Pr-f-ss-r M-gn-s: "Neurologists always have syphilis very much in their minds."
* * *
5. A. J. Yates Bell (filling out a psychol- ogy questionnaire): "I was a primip."
* * *
6. Overheard in Antenatal Clinic: "But I thought homozygais men never married."
* * *
7. Dr. C-tf-rth: "Death is a prolonged Stokes-Adams attack."
* *
8. Dr. C-tf-rth: "If you take out six or seven yards of gut and join the oesophagus to the rectum, you would probably get diarrhoea."
* * *
9. Dr. McD-n-ld: "This woman was hav- ing delusions; she thought all the doctors were being secretive."
* * *
10. Dr. T-Ib-t (refulminating pneumonia):
. and in these cases death is irrevers- ible."
* * *
There was a young man from Lancashire Who swallowed two blades of grass;
One grew out from his ear-hole The other grew out from his nose.
"Don't worry," says the sly physician,
"It's just a cardiac condition."
The patient isn't fooled—she's smart, And talks about her cardiac heart.
OVER THE HILL
It's not the grey hairs that make a man old, Or the far-away look in his eyes, I am told;
But when the mind makes a contact the body can't fill—
Then, you're over the hill, brother, you're over the hill!
You may fool the young wife with the cleverest of lies,
You can shear the young lamb and pull wool o'er its eyes;
But if she calls for an encore and you say you are ill—
Then, you're over the hill, brother, you're over the hill!
When you gaze on a Venus and just heave a sigh,
When you hear a weak joke and laugh till you die;
When it's all in your head and you've lost all the thrill,
Then, you're over the hill, brother, you're over the hill!
Life is a conflict, the battle is keen,
There's so many shots in the old magazine;
When you've lost the last shell and just can't refill,
Then, you're over the hill, brother, you're over the hill!
Salvage the engine, old boy, if you can, For testosterone can't help a man;
You can't make a man from a little pink pill If you're over the hill, brother, you're over
the hill!
This is my story, alas and alack,
When you've drained the bottle you can't put it back;
If you want to make whoopee, don't wait until
You're over the hill, brother, you're over the hill!
P.A.S.