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SIGMA COMPANY LIMITED
llokers of line pharmaceutical products
MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA
A member of A DCA (Associated Drug Companies of Australia Pty. Ltd.)
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PAGE NINETY-FOUR SPECULUM 1
"That young man of yours strikes me as being a little unpolished, daughter."
"Yes, father. He's a little rough around the 'edges."
* * *
He: "Please."
She: "No."
"Just this once."
"No, I said."
"Aw, hell, Mum, all the other kids go barefoot."
* * *
Breeches of Promise are not necessarily Pants of Passion.
* * *
A young man wanted to buy a present for his fiancee, and after much considera- tion, decided to buy a pair of gloves. So he went to a ladies' shop with his sister and bought them.
At the same time his sister bought a pair of scanties, and when the salesgirl packed them she got the parcels mixed, so his sister got the gloves and his fiancee got the scanties.
Sending them to his fiancee, thinking they were gloves, he wrote:
"This is to remind you that I haven't forgotten you; and as you are not in the habit of wearing the enclosed, I send you them.
"If it hadn't been for my sister I would have got a larger pair, buttoned up the back. This makes then easier to get on and off in the train or tram. The salesgirl showed me a pair she had been wearing for months, and in spite of the colour they were hardly soiled.
"I wish I could be there to put them on for you for the first time. You will think of me every time you wear them, won't You?
, "I asked the salesgirl to try them on and they looked very nice. When you put them away blow into them.
They will naturally be a bit damp after You have worn them. After a few times
they will slip on and off easily. I hope you Will accept these in the spirit they are given and will wear them to the dance tonight, as I will look at them.
„ 'My sister says it is the fashion to wear 'item undone and hanging down; lots of People carry them in their hands instead of Plating them on.
"Your beloved
SPECULUM 1961
Patient has been round Collins street, also Bourke street and consulted her friends.
* *
"Breast milk bank"—look a bit silly going to make a deposit.
* * *
Professor T.:
Habitual aborter goes to the specialist who says:
"Between the two of us you will have a child."
* * *
Aetiology of gastric mucosa in the oeso- phagus is the same as that of chronic cervi- citis.
Mr. Donald's Secretary has changed her position.
* * *
Mr. Mc. (on the relationship between paraphimosis and infection): "It is a vicious circle."
* * *
Some of the representatives at the recent Gynaecological and Obstetrical Conference in Melbourne were:
Irish Representative: Luke O'Rea.
English Representative: Sir Vical Erosin.
French Representative: La Cont Racep- tion.
* * *
It happened at Footscray:
Rising Resident (to boy complaining of swallowing a caterpillar): "Come back if you get butterflies in the stomach."
* * *
D.D.: Crutch palsy has nothing to do with the perineal musculature.
* * *
Mr. H.: Become surgeons. Be men.
* * *
Old girl having history taken, was asked if she was bedridden, replied, "Yes, hundreds of times."
* *
Quotable Quote:
Cade (on girl sent to Sunbury): "She was pathologically incapable of saying no . . . her genital tract was no stranger to the Gram negative diplococci . . . she was a veritable Venus fly trap."
* * *
"Pull down, tear up, 15 inches is ample."
—Sorbent.
PAGE NINETY-FIVE
99
A lecturer who is supposed to know all about sex was giving a talk on "The Facts of Life" to a mixed group of teenagers and children whereupon a girl of about sixteen stood up and asked, "Can I have a baby?"
"Yes," was the reply.
Another girl of about fifteen stood up and asked the same question, in which she got the same reply. Then a girl of about five jumped up and asked the same ques- tion again. The lecturer was quite per- plexed at this stage but he assuredly told her that he did not think so. A little boy (about her age) who sat beside her said confidently, "There you are, I told you not to worry."
* * *
One day a little girl went into a candy store and asked the shopkeeper for a piece of chocolate in the shape of a boy. The shopkeeper replied, "Why do you want a chocolate boy and not a chocolate girl?"
The girl replied, "It has more chocolate in a chocolate boy."
* * *
Mr. B—y: I have been told that in order to get the anal sphincter to relax, it is neces- sary to stroke it gently, but I've never been able to bring myself to do it!
* * *
Mr. B. again (to 60-year-old man with 21-year-old daughter):
"Bit young, isn't she?"
"Yeah, but she was a bit of a mistake.
I've always been prone to accidents."
"Your wife younger than you?"
"Actually, I'm on my third now—wore out the other two, and got rid of 'em. But don't you worry. I'm still as good now as I was at 30!"
* *
Mr. D.D.: "Has anyone besides Miss F.
brought their tubes with them?"
* * *
Bugs Bunny has had a writ served for evading Income Tax. Seems he was stuffing his dough up a hollow log.
* * *
Speaker at recent convention (mixed audience):
"I have been asked to give a talk on Sex.
It gives me much pleasure."
He then sat down.
Anon.
* * *
"What is the Lingula Copula?"
"The root of the tongue, I suppose."
A Chinese farm couple named Wong had 14 children but when the fifteenth arrived it was white. The father was very disturbed and went to the village elder to ask advice.
"How come I have fourteen children and the fifteenth is white?" he asked, distraught.
The elder shook his head. "I shall have to consult the sayings of Confucius," he said.
A week later the father returned to find the answer. The elder looked at him slowly and declared: "Confucius say: Two Wongs can't make a white. It must be accidental."
Heard in O.P.D.:
Woman: "I want an out-turn".
Nurse: "No, you mean an intern".
"Oh, well, I want a contamination any- way."
"No, no, you mean an examination."
"Alright, alright, in any case I want to go to the fraternity ward."
"No, no, it's the maternity ward you want.
"What the hell — out-turn, intern; con- tamination, examination; fraternity, maternity. All I know is that I haven't demonstrated for three months and I think I'm stagnant."
* * *
Darling, as Freud is true And God's not up above, I'd swear to heaven that you Were my one and only love, If I wasn't going to bed With Fred.
* * *
Visiting British surgeon, Mr. HedleY Atkins, reports that the French name for peau d'orange is orange skin.
* * *
The fastest moving object, next to a jet plane, is a nudist who has just spilled hot coffee on his lap.
Item from an etiquette book: "A gentle;
man invariably follows a lady upstairs .. • A mother is an invention of necessity.
A woman's looks are as old as a man's feels.
* * *
A little danger is a learning thing.
* * *
Melbourne Herald, May 10, 1961:
CAR BELTS FOR NSW PREMIER.
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