However, there are some instances where prosocial silence can miscarry especially in regard to not understanding the moral and ethical purpose of the context (Knoll and van Dick2013; Umphress and Bingham2011) where people put the reputation of the institution or themselves ahead of what is the morally right and ethical thing to do such as not exercising a duty of care, not reporting wrongful or criminal behaviour. Mentors need to understand this could occur in some institutional contexts more than others where the culture is purportedly cohesive and there are attempts to protect the repu- tations of management or their institutions. If the pro-social behaviour is used in this way, it will rebound with negative publicity for all.
Being silent when people know it is not in any one’s interest to do so is another form of silence whereby people sometimes withhold information to gain an advantage. The withholding of or providing insufficient or distorted information, with the purpose to mislead, disguise, or confuse is negative. Silence could also be used as a form of unvoiced protest (Van Dyne and Ellis2004) Information with- holding based on opportunism is seen as an action that depletes a productive workplace (Gruys and Sackett 2003). While it is a form of opportunism, it also differs from the accepted standards of action especially in a group context (Brinsfield2013). It also depletes social capital.
7.1.1.2 Inadvertent Silence
This form of silence is unintended and occurs without purpose. It is largely due to communicative incompetence brought on by anxiety over a situation, cultural shock or an unexpected turn of events. It is a silence that is dreaded by both speaker and audience when a person fails to articulate their views as expected.
(f) Awkward silence as the mentor or mentee has lost direction or following a disclosure and feeling embarrassed
(g) ‘No response’silence which may be used to take control of the dialogue or by one to resist the relationship developing or block the content.
(h) Compassionate silence similar to meditative silence to give acceptance and understanding of another’s situation which is different to (c) above.
Silence is a typical and valuable element of mentoring (based on Knapp2008).
Accommodating, comfortable silence gives the mentee time for reflection or gathering their contemplations and feelings. It provides the time and stillness for deeper feelings to emerge and be considered by them (Knapp 2008). A mentor needs to understand and use it strategically for this purpose.
Silence is also demonstrated by a mentor’s unflappability, especially when being told something about which the mentee feels embarrassment. Silence is used to facilitate the inpouring of additional information, or encourage a further response from the mentee (Knapp2008). When used with concentration and eye contact, it solicits a further response and conveys the mentor’s genuine interest (Levitt2001).
For example, when mentees self-disclose, they may experience hesitation, appre- hension, or difficulty confiding their concerns suitably and coherently. The mentor can acknowledge by gesturing and remaining silent, in effect, encouraging mentees to proceed slowly, reflecting and assembling their thoughts as they go. Throughout this phase, the mentor maintains appropriate eye contact and focus. This demon- strates the mentor’s openness not only for receiving further information but also as an expectation that the mentee will say more. In that sense, silence can be instru- mental in not only encouraging self-reflection but also self-direction (Duba2004).
This is achieved by the mentor using silence as an“open question”to the mentee to take a risk in disclosing something that is sensitive or embarrassing. Without silence, mentees will not interpose to convey an important piece of information.
Silence, as in pausing, encourages mentees to take their time and think as well as understand how they feel about things. It permits the mentee to organise and prioritise their ideas—a sorting out process (Knapp 2008). Most of all, silence facilitates the generative process for reflection from both the mentee and mentor strengthening their rapport and ultimately their relationship (Ladany et al. 2005). For example, as the mentee feels more relaxed with the mentor, silence becomes a normal part of the process and is not perceived as awkward or undermining (Ladany et al.2005).
Mentors learn to accommodate silence as part of the ebb andflow of the con- versation. When it is adapted in this way, the mentor is attentive, allowing silence to take its natural course. If silence is contrived, the mentor needs to use it purposively e.g. allow the mentee space to collect their thoughts, feelings or both. There are conversational circumstances that are highly appropriate for its effective practice in mentoring (Ladany et al.2004). Only through authentic focus is the mentor able to call how and when to introduce it. Too early in the mentoring relationship could mean that it is off-putting for the mentee.
It is important that mentors and the like learn how to navigate the relaxed as well as the challenging aspects of the practice of silence in mentoring (based on Duba (2004). When it is mostly uncomfortable, the mentor should desist and use open
questions until the mentee feels more relaxed. Silence has an important place in mentoring and mentors need to be able to accommodate it comfortably.
As previously discussed, silence can be beneficial or stressful. Understanding how to use silence effectively to engage and sustain relationships as well as those silences which hamper it. The most important aspect of using silence is for the mentor to be at ease with it even if this defies the mentee in the early stages. Once there is trust between the mentor and mentee, employing silence for whatever purpose is likely to be understood and accepted but more importantly, used to facilitate the mentoring outcomes both within the relationship and beyond it.
The other issue in considering silence is the behaviour during a period of silence which is influenced by how the mentees understand silence i.e. not speaking, refusing to speak or quietness.
Some mentees will present as disinclined to dialogue and prefer to listen. This may be one of the reasons for seeking a mentor as they realise they need to become a more active contributor professionally, in the work place or socially.
One of the traps in any conversation especially in mentoring is not permitting the silence to go its full length and rushing tofill a perceived void, thereby not giving the mentee a chance to toy with it (Mearns and Thorne2000). This does not mean that a mentor should let it go on to the point where the mentee is discomforted by it.
When a mentee falls silent, there are a number of explanations. There may be some confusion about the content of the conversation or the relationship itself or they are using it for reflection. Or the content may lead to a feeling of guilt or despondency and if so, they are likely to be more passive during the silence. If frustrated and even angry, they may be more active which can be detected by their posture and non-verbal behaviour.
Another trap is for the mentor to become distracted; look at phone or watch, nod off or lose the thread of the conversation. Remaining actively present with the mentee is vital during silence.
Interpersonally, silence in a mentoring relationship may imply withdrawal and withholding positions that allow the individual to step out of the ‘moment’ or the mentoring relationship. However rather than viewing this negatively, it could be one of positive solitude for reflection and a more thorough critique of the discussion. Often in our busy lives, there are not enough periods of quietness or retreat for reflection.
Quietude usually involves the absence of words. It is far from solitary and engages the mentee to exist“in-the-moment”so as to focus without using words.
Engagement between the mentor and mentee may occur:
(a) through gentle eye contact rather than through direct gaze (b) by averting their gaze from each other or avoiding eye contact (c) by focusing on an object in the room
(d) using gesture to show that an issue is
i. under consideration e.g. putting a hand under chin, ii. gathering thoughts,
iii. reflecting back.
This form of silence facilitates the mentee becoming calm for reflection.
A mentor needs to understand how to use this—speaking quietly, allowing a mentee time to reflect, a restful meeting space. For example in responding to a question, the mentee should be encouraged to continue through quietness in reflecting on the circumstances of the issue they are discussing. Not expressing them here is meaningful and needs to be further explored. See Fig.7.1.
SILENCE NATURE CLARIFICATION
Inexpressible Tacit knowing
(inexpressible)
be ‘spelled-out’ (cf. explicit: the knowledge that can be spelled out and formalised)
Intuitive knowing
(emotional realisation)
Subjective, emotionally recalled based on symbols or cues (e.g. purposive questions; associations)
Expressible Perception
(nascent)
Ah- ah moment (preceded by a ‘feeling of knowing’ or ‘tip-of- the-tongue’ experience)
Knowing (dormant) Suddenly remembered after prompting
Silenced and will not be shared
Silenced voice By self or other’s actions
Acquiescent silence Purposively withheld by self for the purposes of (a) personal power; (b) submission; or (c) concern for others. Under these circumstances, silence is influential.
Intimidated silence Enforce silence in response to an assertive other or norms perceived in context.
Information associated with skills or ‘know how’ that cannot
Fig. 7.1 Based on Blackman and Sadler-Smith (2009, pp. 572–577)