However, mentors ought not to assume they know the intentions/emotions of the mentee. A consideration of the difficulties that a mentee may be having with others is useful here:
a. Experienced/assumed disagreement: conflicting views translating into a win-lose situation
b. thinks they are right
c. thinks they’re wrong on most things, and their supervisor is always right d. feeling aggrieved
e. believes that their behaviour (even if inappropriate) is justified f. overly sensitive to criticism
g. feels shame
h. shifts blame to someone or something else
i. thinks their position should not be questioned if the role they have one of authority
j. believes they always have the best interests of their organisation or someone else k. doesn’t want to make the same mistake again
It is important for the mentor to check with the mentee to see whether they understand what others may want from the situation they are describing.Are their similar needs or ones different to their own?The mentor needs to work with the mentee on the real aspects of the problem and to work on ameliorating them.
3. What’s the issue?
(a) Where’s the evidence?
(b) Is it relevant?
4. What outcomes are being sought?
(a) Are they relevant?
(b) Are they credible?
5. What actions are required?
(a) What will be the impact?
One useful device employed by mentors is to imagine that they are entertaining a visitor who is new to the current context (without conveying this to the mentee of course). In other words, avoid proffering their conventional and presumed knowl- edge of the situation. It is necessary that the mentor does not assume that they know this situation well, that is, “they’ve seen it before” which can block firstly the mentor listening to new information and secondly and more seriously, the mentee being forthcoming in describing and revealing their observations, assumptions and concerns about it. A mentor needs tofind out how things look to them from their perspective; how certain events affect the mentee, and what the values and priorities they have in regard to this context.
If the mentee was really from another planet, the mentor would be hyper-vigilant, watching for signs including their body language and listening for the unspoken meaning and energy as well. The mentor needs questions themselves at this point:What does the mentee really want? What are they not saying?
The mentor lets the mentee talk spontaneously until they are finished. It is important that the mentor does not replace any restrictions on them nor interrupt them except to acknowledge what is being said. Whatever the mentor hears, they do not jump in too quickly and make assumptions, evaluate the statements or extend advice, yet. The mentor’s task at this point is to learn as much as they can in this phase of the conversation. There is plenty of time for diagnosis and structuring the analysis in due course.
Opening the Inquiry
How does a mentor enter the conversation? Usually by speaking calmly and audibly—never equalling the mentee’s pitch or pace, especially if they raise their voice, converse in an excitable or aggressive way. However, the mentor is mindful of the varying tones and pitches of the conversation of the mentee as this is useful information as well as being observant of their own presence. If the mentee is not readily forthcoming initially, one suggestion for opening the inquiry phase is to state:
“I have something I’d like to raise with you.”
“I’d like to talk about ____________ with you, butfirst I’d like to get your point of view.”
“I need you to explain something to me.”
Or if you have had a misunderstanding or as disagreement with the mentee you can ask:
“I need you to help me understand what just happened. Can we just reflect on that for a moment?”
“I think we differ on _____________________. What do you think?”
“I’d like to discuss ___________________. I think we may think differently about this?
_____________________.”
“I’d like to see if we might reach a better understanding about ___________. I really want to hear your feelings initially about this, and then I will share my perspective as well.” The mentor needs to focus on the mentee’s emotions: Talk about the mentee’s feelings by first; asking them about these, without patronising them. For example, never state:
“I see you are upset about this.”Instead ask:“is this upsetting for you?”
The mentor glides above the context and hovers, helicopter-like, taking the time to judge possible points of entry into the conversation. In the initial phase, the mentor is building an overview, sizing up the situation, andfiguring out what the mentee wants to accomplish overall in this first meeting. Later, the mentor’s overview may change as well as their goals. The mentor then begins to ask questions, focusing on the specific situation. Context matters here.
At this stage, questioning needs to be accurate based on what the mentee has expressed. Questions asked include those most relevant to their current situation based on the mentee’s evidence provided to date. The mentor avoids posing non-specific questions.
Two principles that are important in guiding questioning at this stage are situ- ational relevance and professional or personal significance for the mentee. The mentor chooses to explore some issues more deeply by interspersing gently, probing questions, and all the while ignoring the less relevant or tricky issues. The mentor maintains a circumstantial focus rather than a problem-solving one at this early stage.
Mentors could keep in the mind the following guidance for their questioning.
Some of these questions are more appropriate for later conversations, rather than the opening phase, in the mentoring relationship.
1. Relevance: Do we need to talk about ______________ now or later, if at all?
2. Clarification: What do you mean by _________________________________?
3. Assumptions: What are you assuming _______________________________?
4. Values: What’s important to you in this ______________________________?
5. Evidence: How do you know __________________________________ is true?
6. Contributing factors: What’s affecting __________________________
_____?
7. Action: What are you planning to do next?____________________ And then?
8. Outcomes: What would you like to see happen? ________________________
Outcomes of Step 1: Inquiry
By the end of Step 1, the mentor has learnt something about and from the mentee, their context and some of their reasons for seeking mentoring. These need to be noted if not during the conversation, as soon as the mentee leaves the room.